I was reminded this week about King Benjamin's address in the Book of Mormon as his final "General Conference" The people came to hear him speak, gathering as families they set their tents up facing King Benjamin, so they could hear him and to avoid any possible distractions. I love the gentle reminder this gives me every time I read it, and every time I think of it, and especially as General Conference starts tomorrow. Which way am I facing? Am I facing towards God's Prophets and Jesus Christ?
While this week seemed to be heading the right direction as we got started, Monday quickly lured me in to a false sense of peace. Bryce asked me to take him to the Doctor so he could get his medications re-started. I was stunned at the clarity of thought that request represented. Clark and I scrambled to get him in to his Doctor, even though he had no openings. Then Clark had to pay off Bryce's delinquent account there to be seen.
During the course of the visit the Doctor asked Bryce if he had thoughts of hurting himself....the silence was deafening as we waited for Bryce to regain his composure enough to articulate his answer.
"Yes every single day....but I am not going to."
Doctor then asked, "Where do you feel safe?"
Bryce said, "Upstairs with my parents. That is the only place I feel safe. Downstairs in my room it holds too many bad memories" He goes through phases where he literally lives on my couch upstairs. Prior to this appointment I had summoned specific prayers from my Spirit Squad, that Bryce's medications (which usually take weeks to have an affect) would work immediately.
By later that afternoon Bryce told us he was feeling so much better. While I am sure there is some relief in his mind that 'help' is on it's way, I cannot discount the faith-filled prayers and love from those who were aware of our struggles in that moment. I am so grateful for each of you, who in one way or another strengthen and support us here.
My delight in this right direction was shattered by Tuesday. My spiritual gift of discernment doesn't allow for his lies to go undetected. He also knows while I may not react to his lies, he knows I know when he is lying. And lie he did, multiple times. And as the afternoon wore on, and I was continuing to attempt to keep it all together while I worked....suddenly everything inside me began to quickly unravel. I got off work and sat at my desk and cried. I asked the Lord what I should do and He quickly responded, "Call Sheron." She is my neighbor and has unfortunately had some similar life experiences, so I knew she would empathize completely.
After texting her I needed a hug, I stepped outside to meet here so my conversation wouldn't be overheard by Bryce. Sheron took one look at me from across the street, and bolted through her gate and sprinted to meet me. I fell into her tight hug sobbing. She just held on and gradually I felt I could keep breathing. We talked for awhile and suddenly the garage door opened and Bryce walked outside and put a bag into the garbage can, then went back inside without a word. What I discovered in that bag broke my heart even further. Suddenly I was contemplating calling the police....
Clark came home and we began to talk and I began to rage at all the unfairness, all the sacrifices we were making for a son who seemed not to care. The thought kept running through the chaos of my mind...I just can't take any more...
Then Clark lovingly and quietly said, "Sharon who's side are you on? Because it looks to me like your Momma Bear attitude is in full swing, and I thought you were supposed to be focusing on Christ." I sat perfectly still as the realization washed over me. Somewhere between- being the mouthpiece for Christ, an instrument in His hands as instructed on Sunday-and this raving, angry Mom who's heart was filleted and bleeding and hurting, somewhere, I had witnessed the very miracle the Lord had promised me and somehow, drew the conclusion that His directive was now over. And my focus shifted back to Bryce.
I apologized to Clark and then climbed the stairs and humbly knelt at my bedside to beg for forgiveness from the Lord. I had not lived up to my part of the directive...and He needed me to turn and face Him again. So my thoughts of not being able to take any more, were indeed exactly how I felt, when I wasn't facing the Savior! He hadn't let me down, He was still there, patiently waiting for me to turn back around and face Him again.
So I have learned another great lesson, His directive is as much for my happiness as it is for His Perfect Plan to unfold, in His Perfect Timing, for Bryce- and us. How grateful I am for a strong, loving husband who knew when to say the exact thing I needed to hear. And while we still don't know much about the next chapter of our lives, I can look up and forward in faith and peace. I have been dreading the anniversary of Bryce's attempt, I had so hoped he would have been in a much better place, however, we will take it as it comes. Facing the Savior, I am excited to have General Conference all weekend long, to strengthen me, to lift me, to bind up my aching heart and to help me understand what the Lord needs for me to do now.
As always, God is Good!
Friday, April 5, 2019
Sunday, March 31, 2019
Car keys and Priesthood keys.
These last two days I have been able to sleep-in until the sunshine has poured into my bedroom as it crests the majestic mountains and fills our valley with light and warmth. And because it was Saturday and now Sunday I could just relax, enjoy it and thank Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for the blessing of it in my life. Saturday, Sunday, sleep-in, sunshine for Sharon. The God's are good!
With both our sweet grand-daughters here for a girls sleepover (much to Tayden's dismay) we had a fun-filled Friday evening and Saturday morning. However somewhere in all that fun I lost my car keys. I never lose my car keys. At first I wasn't overly concerned, we have a spare, and teaching the girls no-bake cookies that their parents loved as children, picking newly bloomed daffodils and the first trampoline jump of the year consumed my attention. After the girls left and the hours wore on my frustration at not finding them mounted. And then Clark reminded me I had the Stake building's fob on my key-chain, and my concern raised to another level. I had been praying for hours, I even resorted to telling Heavenly Father I knew that He knew where they were, and I was really ready for him to divulge their secret location to me. Silence. Silence. I swear Heavenly Silence is the absolute worst!
After digging through two bags of garbage moving every object in my office and asking each granddaughter...and then their Mothers I was feeling defeated. I returned to my office and silently stood in the middle of the room, just using my eyes to continue the search this time.
And then in the silence , I heard it. Sobbing, sobbing from Bryce's room. We knew he was detoxing again from Meth.
I hesitated for only a second, and raced downstairs. I didn't even knock, just went inside and leaned down and held him. He was lying in his bed crying his heart out. I just held him, and then he said, "Mom it is sooo hard!" My Mother's Heart resonated with the defeat he was feeling, while not to the level he was feeling but I too had just identified with that same feeling....defeat. Suddenly I felt the Spirit of the Lord moving over us both and filling my mouth with His words. I instantly knew this was one of the moments He had been preparing me for, where His promise that if I did what He asked of me -focusing on Him, not Bryce- that I would be an instrument in His Hands-when the time was right.
It's interesting how earthly time seems to slow and expand in a heartbeat when the Lord is revealing His Plan and performing His Miracles. I quietly responded "That's because you are trying to do this alone, you can't. You need help. Maybe we should take you to the Hospital."
With tears still streaming down his face he shook his head, "I don't want to go to the hospital." Then I heard myself say, "Then we're going to do it my way. Let's go upstairs and have a shake and a priesthood blessing." Apparently he also heard the Power of the Lord in my voice as I did for he immediately threw off his blanket and stood up. I felt like I had just witnessed a miracle, and since Christ's miracles during His mortal ministry have been what I have been studying, I recalled how often Christ raised the lame to walk, and the dead to life...I was honestly stunned. I led him upstairs and asked Clark to call our friend and go-to -guy Gary to assist in an oil blessing. Clark was stunned in to inactivity for a moment as he also realized the magnitude of what was happening. Bryce has refused Priesthood blessings for the last 7 weeks.
Gary arrived quickly and brought his and his family's love and concern as he stepped in to our home and embraced us. Clark gave a beautiful blessing. Bryce went downstairs still crying immediately after. Gary stumbled into a chair and said, "Oh my, what a miracle, the rush of Power that went through me to him...I could feel it. That was such a powerful blessing." We continued to talk and share with him some of our own personal miracles, as we have watched this incredible son of ours fight his demons.
After he left I realized I had wasted so many hours looking for my dumb keys, I needed to meet with the Lord over the 5th Sunday class Clark and I are teaching today. Quietly I sat down and finished my preparations. Finally it was time for bed. I was surprised to see Bryce come walking upstairs with a smile on his face. He said "I feel sooo much better!" I responded, "Yeah for Priesthood blessings." He said "Yes."
As I prepared for bed I noticed Clark's jeans in our room and almost without a thought reached for his pockets and looking down there lay my car keys in my hand. I stood there stunned, I had stepped over those very jeans three times in my search for my keys. Then I finally remembered he had gone to pick up Brigan Friday night while I finished dinner preparations.
As I lay in the sunshine this morning I began to reflect on the events of yesterday.
If I had not lost my keys, I would not have been standing quietly in that very moment in my office which was the only room where I could hear Bryce sobbing. If not for my lost keys, we would have missed the miracles, in the Lord's timing, that followed. I am still in awe of the sequence of events. I am in awe of the Lord's plan for Bryce. This particular miracle I can now see was at least 7 weeks in the making...from my perspective now.
And so today I came downstairs and Bryce was sitting on the couch and greeted me with a somewhat sleepy two-dimple smile. Oh how I love this child.
Amidst the raging storms of our lives the Lord reveals His Perfect Plan for each of us and continues to lighten our load with joy and miracles. Car keys....Priesthood keys...I am thankful for both and the pure knowledge that each of us matter to Him. He does have a beautiful, perfect plan for each of us. Let the sun shine on I know the Son of God lives and loves me.
As I also know He loves each of us...perfectly!
With both our sweet grand-daughters here for a girls sleepover (much to Tayden's dismay) we had a fun-filled Friday evening and Saturday morning. However somewhere in all that fun I lost my car keys. I never lose my car keys. At first I wasn't overly concerned, we have a spare, and teaching the girls no-bake cookies that their parents loved as children, picking newly bloomed daffodils and the first trampoline jump of the year consumed my attention. After the girls left and the hours wore on my frustration at not finding them mounted. And then Clark reminded me I had the Stake building's fob on my key-chain, and my concern raised to another level. I had been praying for hours, I even resorted to telling Heavenly Father I knew that He knew where they were, and I was really ready for him to divulge their secret location to me. Silence. Silence. I swear Heavenly Silence is the absolute worst!
After digging through two bags of garbage moving every object in my office and asking each granddaughter...and then their Mothers I was feeling defeated. I returned to my office and silently stood in the middle of the room, just using my eyes to continue the search this time.
And then in the silence , I heard it. Sobbing, sobbing from Bryce's room. We knew he was detoxing again from Meth.
I hesitated for only a second, and raced downstairs. I didn't even knock, just went inside and leaned down and held him. He was lying in his bed crying his heart out. I just held him, and then he said, "Mom it is sooo hard!" My Mother's Heart resonated with the defeat he was feeling, while not to the level he was feeling but I too had just identified with that same feeling....defeat. Suddenly I felt the Spirit of the Lord moving over us both and filling my mouth with His words. I instantly knew this was one of the moments He had been preparing me for, where His promise that if I did what He asked of me -focusing on Him, not Bryce- that I would be an instrument in His Hands-when the time was right.
It's interesting how earthly time seems to slow and expand in a heartbeat when the Lord is revealing His Plan and performing His Miracles. I quietly responded "That's because you are trying to do this alone, you can't. You need help. Maybe we should take you to the Hospital."
With tears still streaming down his face he shook his head, "I don't want to go to the hospital." Then I heard myself say, "Then we're going to do it my way. Let's go upstairs and have a shake and a priesthood blessing." Apparently he also heard the Power of the Lord in my voice as I did for he immediately threw off his blanket and stood up. I felt like I had just witnessed a miracle, and since Christ's miracles during His mortal ministry have been what I have been studying, I recalled how often Christ raised the lame to walk, and the dead to life...I was honestly stunned. I led him upstairs and asked Clark to call our friend and go-to -guy Gary to assist in an oil blessing. Clark was stunned in to inactivity for a moment as he also realized the magnitude of what was happening. Bryce has refused Priesthood blessings for the last 7 weeks.
Gary arrived quickly and brought his and his family's love and concern as he stepped in to our home and embraced us. Clark gave a beautiful blessing. Bryce went downstairs still crying immediately after. Gary stumbled into a chair and said, "Oh my, what a miracle, the rush of Power that went through me to him...I could feel it. That was such a powerful blessing." We continued to talk and share with him some of our own personal miracles, as we have watched this incredible son of ours fight his demons.
After he left I realized I had wasted so many hours looking for my dumb keys, I needed to meet with the Lord over the 5th Sunday class Clark and I are teaching today. Quietly I sat down and finished my preparations. Finally it was time for bed. I was surprised to see Bryce come walking upstairs with a smile on his face. He said "I feel sooo much better!" I responded, "Yeah for Priesthood blessings." He said "Yes."
As I prepared for bed I noticed Clark's jeans in our room and almost without a thought reached for his pockets and looking down there lay my car keys in my hand. I stood there stunned, I had stepped over those very jeans three times in my search for my keys. Then I finally remembered he had gone to pick up Brigan Friday night while I finished dinner preparations.
As I lay in the sunshine this morning I began to reflect on the events of yesterday.
If I had not lost my keys, I would not have been standing quietly in that very moment in my office which was the only room where I could hear Bryce sobbing. If not for my lost keys, we would have missed the miracles, in the Lord's timing, that followed. I am still in awe of the sequence of events. I am in awe of the Lord's plan for Bryce. This particular miracle I can now see was at least 7 weeks in the making...from my perspective now.
And so today I came downstairs and Bryce was sitting on the couch and greeted me with a somewhat sleepy two-dimple smile. Oh how I love this child.
Amidst the raging storms of our lives the Lord reveals His Perfect Plan for each of us and continues to lighten our load with joy and miracles. Car keys....Priesthood keys...I am thankful for both and the pure knowledge that each of us matter to Him. He does have a beautiful, perfect plan for each of us. Let the sun shine on I know the Son of God lives and loves me.
As I also know He loves each of us...perfectly!
Friday, March 8, 2019
Virtue, Power and a clean kitchen. **sigh**
As a family we accepted Pres Jones challenge to pray for other Stake members who are struggling, and to "let virtue garnish our thoughts unceasingly."
"If there is anything virtuous, lovely or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things." 13th Article of Faith
He admonished us to use our collective monthly fast towards this end, and as we sought to keep our minds and lives virtuous this week, he promised we would see the Lords blessings and power manifest in our lives.
To our delight Bryce accompanied us to church last week on our fast Sunday. However after the Sacrament he leaned over to me and said, "My blood sugar is crashing can you please take me home." I'll admit initially that snarky little voice in my head said..."yeah right!"
But drawing upon my promise to the Lord, we headed to the car. I didn't say anything. Then Bryce quietly said, "I tried to fast this morning...." I gripped the steering wheel tighter as this truth entered my heart. He tried to fast. I responded quietly, "Maybe it's a little premature for that just yet, until you get your diabetes under control. However I am confident the Lord will bless you for your effort."
And so our days have passed, as Lehi said, "like unto a dream." I often feel drained from the emotional roller coaster that my life seems to be. But taking one moment at a time, leaning into the love and strength of the Lord and those who continue to pray with us, I am amazed at the blessings and power that has come into our lives this week.
We continued to give Bryce his space, and I focused on the Lord. Bryce seemed to really be struggling still and very non-emotional about everything. On Monday about noon he mentioned he was really struggling with his dark thoughts. Again my prayer was "Lord what would Thou have me to do?" His answer filtered gently into my mind,
"Ask your Spirit Squad to pray specifically that Bryce can have relief from his dark thoughts and know- and do- what he can to feel the love around him, and My Spirit."
So between work calls I shot off a text to my "Spirit Squad" (now before anyone takes offense- in the heat of the moment and under the guidance of the Spirit I may or may not invite each of you every time. I love that so many of you tell me you continue to pray for us. Believe me please when I say there is no way we'd be where we are today without your prayers!)
A little while later I came out of my office to check on Bryce...he was gone. So with a nearly constant prayer in my head I went back to work. Almost an hour later (about two hours after the text went out) he opened my office door and smiled at me. Stunned I just basked in the light of his smile, then he said, "Were you looking for me?" I nodded and he went on, "I went downstairs and was reading my scriptures, and I feel so much better."
And with another smile he walked out of my office. I was stunned, but so grateful!
Cheers for my Spirit Squad.
A day later I was feeling pretty bugged at how messy my kitchen was, and how he never cleaned up after himself....my stove was a mess, I could track him through the house by the messes he left. So that snarky voice in my head (I think we may actually be related...) began to whine to the Lord...."What would Thou have me to do?" Let's just say...in a tone me and my snarky voice would recognize I heard.."If you are this bugged about your kitchen...clean it yourself, silently." So I accepted His will, and began to plan on spending the evening cleaning...silently of course. And then after work I came out of my office to an immaculate kitchen, dishwasher running and all! Stunned I glanced at Bryce, and he grinned sheepishly.
Yet another miracle that would never have happened without that directive from the Lord.
And slowly over these last few days we have literally watched the Spirit surround him. He told us he had been very conscious of all he thought, watched and listened to in obedience to Pres Jones challenge. He began to smile more, he became so much more helpful. Often anticipating my needs before I had a chance to verbalize them. We talked and laughed. We prayed and shared and cried. At one point I said to him, "Who are you and whatever you have done with my son...I am totally ok with." He laughed out loud at that one!
We had a really long talk last night and he shared how he's noticed such a difference as we had backed off (I confessed that was not my idea...it was a clear directive from the Lord.)
He said there were days when he was very afraid of us coming downstairs to force him to get out and find a job.Or he had worried that we'd be mad he really wasn't doing anything all day. And then this week he slowly realized that the Spirit was more abundant around him, and that it was totally his decision that it was time to get back to work. He wasn't doing it to please us, he totally owned his changes. He says this whole new way of parenting has helped him make some very important decisions. Today he wanted to actively participate in some family things, he has amazed me at how helpful he is being. He has even cooked dinner twice this week.
Finally this evening I caught myself thinking it was Saturday today...and then it hit me...I had enjoyed these last few days so much because nearly all of my normal Bryce-stress was gone! And I still had another two days of weekend with him! My heart soared. When he came upstairs I took him in a hug, and told him some of the joy he'd brought me, and how proud of him I was. He's such a delight, I feel drawn to be with him- like a moth to the porch light on a summers eve.
And so I have seen exactly as Pres Jones had promised...blessings and power in our lives as we have prayed for others and sought virtue! Our little piece of Heaven here under the guiding influence of His Spirit feels just like the haven we wanted it to become. And now as the evening shadows fall please know I will continue to pray for each of us, a prayer of gratitude for your goodness and love, a prayer of comfort and peace as we each navigate these treacherous waters of mortality. May we each lift one another and be gentle and kind to those around us. And continue to be a light to the world as we follow our Savior.
God is good!
"If there is anything virtuous, lovely or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things." 13th Article of Faith
He admonished us to use our collective monthly fast towards this end, and as we sought to keep our minds and lives virtuous this week, he promised we would see the Lords blessings and power manifest in our lives.
To our delight Bryce accompanied us to church last week on our fast Sunday. However after the Sacrament he leaned over to me and said, "My blood sugar is crashing can you please take me home." I'll admit initially that snarky little voice in my head said..."yeah right!"
But drawing upon my promise to the Lord, we headed to the car. I didn't say anything. Then Bryce quietly said, "I tried to fast this morning...." I gripped the steering wheel tighter as this truth entered my heart. He tried to fast. I responded quietly, "Maybe it's a little premature for that just yet, until you get your diabetes under control. However I am confident the Lord will bless you for your effort."
And so our days have passed, as Lehi said, "like unto a dream." I often feel drained from the emotional roller coaster that my life seems to be. But taking one moment at a time, leaning into the love and strength of the Lord and those who continue to pray with us, I am amazed at the blessings and power that has come into our lives this week.
We continued to give Bryce his space, and I focused on the Lord. Bryce seemed to really be struggling still and very non-emotional about everything. On Monday about noon he mentioned he was really struggling with his dark thoughts. Again my prayer was "Lord what would Thou have me to do?" His answer filtered gently into my mind,
"Ask your Spirit Squad to pray specifically that Bryce can have relief from his dark thoughts and know- and do- what he can to feel the love around him, and My Spirit."
So between work calls I shot off a text to my "Spirit Squad" (now before anyone takes offense- in the heat of the moment and under the guidance of the Spirit I may or may not invite each of you every time. I love that so many of you tell me you continue to pray for us. Believe me please when I say there is no way we'd be where we are today without your prayers!)
A little while later I came out of my office to check on Bryce...he was gone. So with a nearly constant prayer in my head I went back to work. Almost an hour later (about two hours after the text went out) he opened my office door and smiled at me. Stunned I just basked in the light of his smile, then he said, "Were you looking for me?" I nodded and he went on, "I went downstairs and was reading my scriptures, and I feel so much better."
And with another smile he walked out of my office. I was stunned, but so grateful!
Cheers for my Spirit Squad.
A day later I was feeling pretty bugged at how messy my kitchen was, and how he never cleaned up after himself....my stove was a mess, I could track him through the house by the messes he left. So that snarky voice in my head (I think we may actually be related...) began to whine to the Lord...."What would Thou have me to do?" Let's just say...in a tone me and my snarky voice would recognize I heard.."If you are this bugged about your kitchen...clean it yourself, silently." So I accepted His will, and began to plan on spending the evening cleaning...silently of course. And then after work I came out of my office to an immaculate kitchen, dishwasher running and all! Stunned I glanced at Bryce, and he grinned sheepishly.
Yet another miracle that would never have happened without that directive from the Lord.
And slowly over these last few days we have literally watched the Spirit surround him. He told us he had been very conscious of all he thought, watched and listened to in obedience to Pres Jones challenge. He began to smile more, he became so much more helpful. Often anticipating my needs before I had a chance to verbalize them. We talked and laughed. We prayed and shared and cried. At one point I said to him, "Who are you and whatever you have done with my son...I am totally ok with." He laughed out loud at that one!
We had a really long talk last night and he shared how he's noticed such a difference as we had backed off (I confessed that was not my idea...it was a clear directive from the Lord.)
He said there were days when he was very afraid of us coming downstairs to force him to get out and find a job.Or he had worried that we'd be mad he really wasn't doing anything all day. And then this week he slowly realized that the Spirit was more abundant around him, and that it was totally his decision that it was time to get back to work. He wasn't doing it to please us, he totally owned his changes. He says this whole new way of parenting has helped him make some very important decisions. Today he wanted to actively participate in some family things, he has amazed me at how helpful he is being. He has even cooked dinner twice this week.
Finally this evening I caught myself thinking it was Saturday today...and then it hit me...I had enjoyed these last few days so much because nearly all of my normal Bryce-stress was gone! And I still had another two days of weekend with him! My heart soared. When he came upstairs I took him in a hug, and told him some of the joy he'd brought me, and how proud of him I was. He's such a delight, I feel drawn to be with him- like a moth to the porch light on a summers eve.
And so I have seen exactly as Pres Jones had promised...blessings and power in our lives as we have prayed for others and sought virtue! Our little piece of Heaven here under the guiding influence of His Spirit feels just like the haven we wanted it to become. And now as the evening shadows fall please know I will continue to pray for each of us, a prayer of gratitude for your goodness and love, a prayer of comfort and peace as we each navigate these treacherous waters of mortality. May we each lift one another and be gentle and kind to those around us. And continue to be a light to the world as we follow our Savior.
God is good!
Thursday, February 28, 2019
Trials and blessings
Oh where to begin? These last few weeks have been difficult to focus on the Lord rather than on Bryce. I felt Bryce was really struggling, we haven't seen him this quiet and withdrawn in a long time, and we were worried. But I clung to the assurance that I was trying to accept the Lord's directive, and He knew all that was going on with Bryce. Looking back I have been able to see how His plan is perfect. I can see how I would likely have derailed His perfect plan, if I had not been focused on the Lord. I can see how my testimony has been strengthened, and I can see tremendous value in recording the Lord's Tender Mercies each night before bed.
As the days rolled along I was getting a bit worried, but remained firm in my resolve, to the point that there were a couple of times I literally had to walk away from Bryce...biting my tongue so as to not speak. Then Bryce finally opened up a little and told us he was still struggling with suicidal thoughts. I can honestly say, I didn't panic! I knew the Lord knew the situation exactly.
Then a day or two later Bryce seemed a little brighter so I commented on that. He replied, " I asked Heavenly Father to take away my desire to die. And He did!" I think my heart may have stopped mid-sentence, but then we both cried together. I realized that Bryce's experience, or answer to his heart-felt prayer would never have happened, had I not been following the Lord's directive. Humbled, and awed, and deeply grateful, I saw the Lord's perfect plan being unfolded before my very eyes.
President Jones (during our recent Stake Conference) invited all of us to record daily our spiritual experiences where we saw the Lord's influence in our lives. Every night I am amazed at the days events, seeing with new eyes the peace and beauty of knowing He is there for me.
This morning as I was reading about Lehi, I paused as I realized suddenly this age-old scripture appeared differently to me this morning.
1 Nephi 2:3
"And it came to pass that he was obedient unto the word of the Lord, wherefore he did as the Lord commanded him."
Lehi was immediately obedient. However he left everything and everyone he was comfortable with and set out into the wilderness! Yes he was obedient but his life was very hard. He was living in a tent, after enjoying great wealth in Jerusalem. He had many trials and struggles and difficulties in his immediate family. But he continued to be obedient and the Lord blessed him.
So often I think if I am obedient then the blessings will come...however the truth of it is that yes indeed the Lord's blessings come, but not always as I think they should be. I realized that somewhere in my head I had attached specific blessings I wanted and felt they would be realized as I continued to be obedient. Forgetting the Lord's will and the Lord's timing, and the Lord's perfect plan.
This last week with Bryce helped me to understand how I must be immediately obedient and that's where my control should end. I don't get to control how I will be blessed. This experience afforded me a new perspective. One I sorely needed.
Again I feel the need to express my gratitude to each of you for your continued love, support and prayers. I feel them. I know we are not alone, during this trail of trials called mortality. For that I am eternally grateful.
As the days rolled along I was getting a bit worried, but remained firm in my resolve, to the point that there were a couple of times I literally had to walk away from Bryce...biting my tongue so as to not speak. Then Bryce finally opened up a little and told us he was still struggling with suicidal thoughts. I can honestly say, I didn't panic! I knew the Lord knew the situation exactly.
Then a day or two later Bryce seemed a little brighter so I commented on that. He replied, " I asked Heavenly Father to take away my desire to die. And He did!" I think my heart may have stopped mid-sentence, but then we both cried together. I realized that Bryce's experience, or answer to his heart-felt prayer would never have happened, had I not been following the Lord's directive. Humbled, and awed, and deeply grateful, I saw the Lord's perfect plan being unfolded before my very eyes.
President Jones (during our recent Stake Conference) invited all of us to record daily our spiritual experiences where we saw the Lord's influence in our lives. Every night I am amazed at the days events, seeing with new eyes the peace and beauty of knowing He is there for me.
This morning as I was reading about Lehi, I paused as I realized suddenly this age-old scripture appeared differently to me this morning.
1 Nephi 2:3
"And it came to pass that he was obedient unto the word of the Lord, wherefore he did as the Lord commanded him."
Lehi was immediately obedient. However he left everything and everyone he was comfortable with and set out into the wilderness! Yes he was obedient but his life was very hard. He was living in a tent, after enjoying great wealth in Jerusalem. He had many trials and struggles and difficulties in his immediate family. But he continued to be obedient and the Lord blessed him.
So often I think if I am obedient then the blessings will come...however the truth of it is that yes indeed the Lord's blessings come, but not always as I think they should be. I realized that somewhere in my head I had attached specific blessings I wanted and felt they would be realized as I continued to be obedient. Forgetting the Lord's will and the Lord's timing, and the Lord's perfect plan.
This last week with Bryce helped me to understand how I must be immediately obedient and that's where my control should end. I don't get to control how I will be blessed. This experience afforded me a new perspective. One I sorely needed.
Again I feel the need to express my gratitude to each of you for your continued love, support and prayers. I feel them. I know we are not alone, during this trail of trials called mortality. For that I am eternally grateful.
Sunday, February 10, 2019
He sang! Oh JOY!
The end of our bench in church was still empty as I bowed my head for the opening prayer. Bryce had responded positively about coming, yet my fear and faith were continuing to wage war within my aching heart. Suddenly I felt the bench move, peeking I saw Bryce bowing his head in silence. HE CAME!!
After the prayer, I smiled at him. My heart was happy.
Then a few minutes later it happened...as the strains of the Sacrament hymn began, he reached for the other hymnbook, I watched completely mesmerized as he opened it up. His lips were already moving with the familiar words as he found the right page.
And then it happened......he sang. He sang.
Jesus of Nazareth, Savior and King
Triumphant over death, Life Thou didst bring.
Leaving Thy Father's throne, on earth to live,
Thy work to do alone, Thy life to give.
While of this broken bread, humbly we eat,
Our thoughts to Thee are led in rev'rence sweet.
Bruised, broken, torn for us on Calvary's hill--
Thy suff'ring borne for us Lives with us still.
As to our lips the cup gently we press,
Our hearts are lifted up; Thy name we bless!
Guide us where'er we go, Till in the end
Life evermore we'll know Through thee, our friend.
I looked heavenward and felt my heart bursting with joy. I was awed at the depth of the joy I felt...even as the dam burst in my eyes and tears escaped. I marveled at his ease, and he sang every word. I remember it took me months after his attempt to be able to sing. I just couldn't sing with such a shattered heart. And here he was a living, breathing testament to answered prayers, faith, and joy filling his once-empty battered heart and singing in church.
I remembered an oft-used phrase throughout the scriptures about how full our joy would be one day when we had done all that we needed to do here and would return to the loving glorified presence of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. It was suddenly hard to imagine feeling more joy than I was currently experiencing.
As I reflected on the outpouring of blessings and answers to prayers I have experienced in just the last few days, the word Joy kept reverberating in my soul.
JOY...an acronym - Jesus Others You.
As I had focused on Christ, coming unto Him, conscientiously placing Him first in my life, and then immediately following His direction, incredible miracles happened.
Later Bryce said he enjoyed the meeting and even took some notes on his phone.
He said." I was trying very hard not to cry, as I knew there were people there that were watching me. He said I did pretty good until the closing hymn....Families can be together forever. I used to sing that one to myself clear back in junior high when I was having a hard day." The calm, peace in his soul has been evident again these last few days and it leaves me speechless. His knowledge, understanding and experience with Eternal families...on both sides of the veil has been both a burden and a blessing to him. As a twin for eternities before this world began, that knowledge often has left him feeling very alone here in mortality. Yet even in his darkest hours, he has been sustained and supported by his family from the other side of the veil. He knows Families can be- and are together forever already.
As the day winds to a close, I can hear the wind howling outside as the next snowstorm approaches...Helaman 5:12 comes forcefully to mind...
"And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."
While each of us has felt we were in that gulf of misery, we didn't stay there! It wasn't endless for us or Bryce, because of Christ our redeemer. Christ passed through it all for us, shining His light into our darkness, and gently led us to the light again. Oh blessed day!
After the prayer, I smiled at him. My heart was happy.
Then a few minutes later it happened...as the strains of the Sacrament hymn began, he reached for the other hymnbook, I watched completely mesmerized as he opened it up. His lips were already moving with the familiar words as he found the right page.
And then it happened......he sang. He sang.
Jesus of Nazareth, Savior and King
Triumphant over death, Life Thou didst bring.
Leaving Thy Father's throne, on earth to live,
Thy work to do alone, Thy life to give.
While of this broken bread, humbly we eat,
Our thoughts to Thee are led in rev'rence sweet.
Bruised, broken, torn for us on Calvary's hill--
Thy suff'ring borne for us Lives with us still.
As to our lips the cup gently we press,
Our hearts are lifted up; Thy name we bless!
Guide us where'er we go, Till in the end
Life evermore we'll know Through thee, our friend.
I looked heavenward and felt my heart bursting with joy. I was awed at the depth of the joy I felt...even as the dam burst in my eyes and tears escaped. I marveled at his ease, and he sang every word. I remember it took me months after his attempt to be able to sing. I just couldn't sing with such a shattered heart. And here he was a living, breathing testament to answered prayers, faith, and joy filling his once-empty battered heart and singing in church.
I remembered an oft-used phrase throughout the scriptures about how full our joy would be one day when we had done all that we needed to do here and would return to the loving glorified presence of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. It was suddenly hard to imagine feeling more joy than I was currently experiencing.
As I reflected on the outpouring of blessings and answers to prayers I have experienced in just the last few days, the word Joy kept reverberating in my soul.
JOY...an acronym - Jesus Others You.
As I had focused on Christ, coming unto Him, conscientiously placing Him first in my life, and then immediately following His direction, incredible miracles happened.
Later Bryce said he enjoyed the meeting and even took some notes on his phone.
He said." I was trying very hard not to cry, as I knew there were people there that were watching me. He said I did pretty good until the closing hymn....Families can be together forever. I used to sing that one to myself clear back in junior high when I was having a hard day." The calm, peace in his soul has been evident again these last few days and it leaves me speechless. His knowledge, understanding and experience with Eternal families...on both sides of the veil has been both a burden and a blessing to him. As a twin for eternities before this world began, that knowledge often has left him feeling very alone here in mortality. Yet even in his darkest hours, he has been sustained and supported by his family from the other side of the veil. He knows Families can be- and are together forever already.
As the day winds to a close, I can hear the wind howling outside as the next snowstorm approaches...Helaman 5:12 comes forcefully to mind...
"And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."
While each of us has felt we were in that gulf of misery, we didn't stay there! It wasn't endless for us or Bryce, because of Christ our redeemer. Christ passed through it all for us, shining His light into our darkness, and gently led us to the light again. Oh blessed day!
Saturday, February 9, 2019
Tip-toeing on Sacred ground
Yesterday as I was studying Matthew 4 where Christ was invited by the Holy Spirit to go to the mountain to "be with God" We all know Satan followed and proceeded to offer all manner of temptations to the 40-day-fast-weary Savior. As I read and pondered how do I "be with God" I reflected on these past two weeks as I have struggled and asked "what would Thou have me to do?' with Bryce. Bryce seems to be stuck, and nothing I could think of would change that. I had been praying to know the Lord's will.
Silently the whispers of the Spirit came clearly to my mind..."This time of not knowing what to do with Bryce is a time of personal preparation. You need not to focus on Bryce, but instead turn to the Lord and prepare yourself- that you may be worthy and ready to be the instrument in the Lord's hand when it is right." I paused as I processed the answer I had been given. Then I accepted it and moved forward through the remainder of my study time.
The sweetness of this experience lingered in my heart and was never far from my thoughts all day. When frustrations over Bryce began to bubble into my heart, I chose to turn to the Lord. Peace was my reward.
Later that afternoon I was surprised to take a call from my friend Gary Little. Elizabeth wasn't feeling well and he knew he was supposed to give me their tickets for the annual CES Evening with a General Authority. In a heartbeat I accepted his kind offer. The speaker was to be Elder Rasband. I smiled, I had taught Seminary with his sister Nancy years ago in California. How fitting that as a former CES Seminary Teacher I was being given this wonderful opportunity. As I went to pick up the tickets my heart reminded me of my invitation to turn to the Lord just that morning. This surely displayed my willingness, and again peace filled my tattered heart.
Clark and I entered the Tabernacle on Temple Square and quickly found seats. Within just a few minutes the hum of the Tabernacle audience suddenly hushed and we all rose as Elder Rasband walked on to the stand. The meeting began and the Spirit was palpable! I looked around at all the faithful, dedicated CES teachers and felt humbly blessed to be in their midst. The meeting proceeded until it was time for Elder Rasband to speak.
We sat in wondering awe as Elder Rasband proceeded to speak of his, and his Brethren's, deep concern over the alarming increase in teen and young adult suicide. He gave some horrifying statistics, and then as he continued to speak, we felt of his love and hope. He called us 'first responders' in the daily lives of our youth as we teach and testify of Christ and His love for each of His children. He lifted, encouraged, supported and loved as he enlisted our aid to help those who need help, obvious or not-so-obvious. My tears ran freely as I pondered this very singular experience. I marveled at the majesty of this miracle for us to be on this sacred ground. This was no coincidence...this I knew was a direct result of following sacred whispers this morning. I promised I would "turn to the Lord" and He set in motion a series of events resulting in us being here. I literally sat at the feet of one of the Lord's special witnesses of the Lord Jesus Christ, and felt wrapped in His loving arms.
As we drove home, a little stunned at what we'd just experienced, I received a text from Gary..."Umm I had no idea that would be the topic. I've never seen anything like that before in my career." He quickly went on to say, "Stake YW Presidency. You are a first responder. You and Clark are uniquely qualified to lift and educate. Don't carry the weight of that responsibility right now. Just know that Heaven trusts you and loves you!"
As the tears continued to fall Clark and I knew that Gary had articulated exactly what we had felt. Heavenly Father was completely aware of our struggles and desires. He wanted us to know He was hearing and answering our prayers. He is executing His Perfect Plan for each of us, Bryce included. I am in humble awe as occasionally I am privileged to witness as the Lord parts the veil and I am allowed to see His plan unfolding before my very eyes. So it was in that moment.
Bryce met me at the door when we arrived home and smiled as he said, "I've slept all I can sleep. I am ready to re-enter my life." His eyes shined with a new light and I was stunned into silence. This morning he came up and asked what we needed help with today...oh and can you please iron my shirt for church tomorrow? I deserve an award for my acting as I appeared to take all this in stride....
Bryce later told me he had a very distinct impression to stop gaming this morning. Which he did, and came upstairs. He knew an AA meeting wasn't going to cut it, he HAD to be in church tomorrow. He considered going back to gaming when he learned we were going out, but suddenly he had no desire to game. He knew he wasn't to do it.
I smiled as I recognized more blessings as the Lord's plan was being fulfilled. Hope filled my heart as I watched his sparkling eyes. Maybe...just maybe...
Silently the whispers of the Spirit came clearly to my mind..."This time of not knowing what to do with Bryce is a time of personal preparation. You need not to focus on Bryce, but instead turn to the Lord and prepare yourself- that you may be worthy and ready to be the instrument in the Lord's hand when it is right." I paused as I processed the answer I had been given. Then I accepted it and moved forward through the remainder of my study time.
The sweetness of this experience lingered in my heart and was never far from my thoughts all day. When frustrations over Bryce began to bubble into my heart, I chose to turn to the Lord. Peace was my reward.
Later that afternoon I was surprised to take a call from my friend Gary Little. Elizabeth wasn't feeling well and he knew he was supposed to give me their tickets for the annual CES Evening with a General Authority. In a heartbeat I accepted his kind offer. The speaker was to be Elder Rasband. I smiled, I had taught Seminary with his sister Nancy years ago in California. How fitting that as a former CES Seminary Teacher I was being given this wonderful opportunity. As I went to pick up the tickets my heart reminded me of my invitation to turn to the Lord just that morning. This surely displayed my willingness, and again peace filled my tattered heart.
Clark and I entered the Tabernacle on Temple Square and quickly found seats. Within just a few minutes the hum of the Tabernacle audience suddenly hushed and we all rose as Elder Rasband walked on to the stand. The meeting began and the Spirit was palpable! I looked around at all the faithful, dedicated CES teachers and felt humbly blessed to be in their midst. The meeting proceeded until it was time for Elder Rasband to speak.
We sat in wondering awe as Elder Rasband proceeded to speak of his, and his Brethren's, deep concern over the alarming increase in teen and young adult suicide. He gave some horrifying statistics, and then as he continued to speak, we felt of his love and hope. He called us 'first responders' in the daily lives of our youth as we teach and testify of Christ and His love for each of His children. He lifted, encouraged, supported and loved as he enlisted our aid to help those who need help, obvious or not-so-obvious. My tears ran freely as I pondered this very singular experience. I marveled at the majesty of this miracle for us to be on this sacred ground. This was no coincidence...this I knew was a direct result of following sacred whispers this morning. I promised I would "turn to the Lord" and He set in motion a series of events resulting in us being here. I literally sat at the feet of one of the Lord's special witnesses of the Lord Jesus Christ, and felt wrapped in His loving arms.
As we drove home, a little stunned at what we'd just experienced, I received a text from Gary..."Umm I had no idea that would be the topic. I've never seen anything like that before in my career." He quickly went on to say, "Stake YW Presidency. You are a first responder. You and Clark are uniquely qualified to lift and educate. Don't carry the weight of that responsibility right now. Just know that Heaven trusts you and loves you!"
As the tears continued to fall Clark and I knew that Gary had articulated exactly what we had felt. Heavenly Father was completely aware of our struggles and desires. He wanted us to know He was hearing and answering our prayers. He is executing His Perfect Plan for each of us, Bryce included. I am in humble awe as occasionally I am privileged to witness as the Lord parts the veil and I am allowed to see His plan unfolding before my very eyes. So it was in that moment.
Bryce met me at the door when we arrived home and smiled as he said, "I've slept all I can sleep. I am ready to re-enter my life." His eyes shined with a new light and I was stunned into silence. This morning he came up and asked what we needed help with today...oh and can you please iron my shirt for church tomorrow? I deserve an award for my acting as I appeared to take all this in stride....
Bryce later told me he had a very distinct impression to stop gaming this morning. Which he did, and came upstairs. He knew an AA meeting wasn't going to cut it, he HAD to be in church tomorrow. He considered going back to gaming when he learned we were going out, but suddenly he had no desire to game. He knew he wasn't to do it.
I smiled as I recognized more blessings as the Lord's plan was being fulfilled. Hope filled my heart as I watched his sparkling eyes. Maybe...just maybe...
Sunday, February 3, 2019
Perspective in pain.
Lover and I did a day trip to Southern Utah for a quick visit with Judy, our other Mother, on Friday. The time together, coupled with some warmth and sunshine, did wonders for us both. As we laughed together about silly things, I realized it had been a long time since we'd laughed and played together. We had a lovely visit with Judy and came away feeling so grateful for her in our lives.
On the way home a friend suggested I watch the movie Beautiful Boy. The title was familiar to me, as I remembered several others suggesting it as a resource for the challenges we are facing. Clark didn't want to watch it so I started watching it on my phone. Eventually Clark went to bed, and I felt the need to finish it. It was hard to watch, it taught me things I didn't fully understand before, it hurt my Mother's Heart, and it left me wondering about the remainder of the journey we have with Bryce. It also gave me pause about sharing my story with others...and what that would look like and ultimately be like. I lay perfectly still where I was watching the movie, as I attempted to process all I had seen and experienced. My mind started to take me down some very dark and painful paths. Then I discovered I literally couldn't move. I was paralyzed by this dark torture, I was alone. By the time about twenty minutes had passed and I couldn't shake these thoughts, or have my legs respond...the fear began to build inside me. Suddenly the thought came to me, "Read your Patriarchal Blessing." It's on my phone so I quickly pulled it up. Slowly I read. I remembered the day I had received it. I read it again. I read it again, and then the feeling came back into my legs and the light of Christ's enabling Atonement gently edged out the darkness, the fear, the black thoughts. Tears ran down my face as I slowly sat up and acknowledged all I had just experienced. I realized it had been almost twelve hours since I'd had contact with Bryce. And again my thoughts tumbled to the worse case scenarios ...but I didn't have the strength to go downstairs to check on him. Yes often my fear, overwhelms my faith, in this reality.
As I lay my head on my pillow I heard him in the kitchen, he was ok, and then I fell asleep with a smile. However the morning arrived and my heart felt heavy still. I reflected on my conversation with Judy. I'd shared with her that when I look at Bryce I can only see him as he is in this mortal experience. Often he has looked broken to me. However I realize that without the limitations of mortality, Heavenly Father and Christ can see in one glance, all Bryce had become in his pre-earth life, all he is struggling to be here, and where Bryce's journey and choices will take him after he returns to Father. From Father's unique perspective He sees Bryce very differently. He sees Bryce's former glory and who Bryce will become eventually...all at once. By definition Omnipresent.
I shared this with Bryce later and said..somewhat in jest..."I don't know what you and Bronson cooked up in the pre-earth life, but Heavenly Father has tremendous trust and faith in you two. He sure loves you both." And there are times when the veil is parted ever so slightly for me to glimpse the beautiful soul of this boy, he takes my breath away, and I am not really surprised that Satan wants to destroy him.
Today the things I heard and felt in church were answers to this Mother's prayers. In tender exchanges with some of my 'Saint Squad' I felt loved, and supported. Furthermore in a private moment one friend shared things that the Holy Ghost bore witness were true as she spoke. Her strength, perspective and deep spiritual well is my balm of Gilead. She told me "You have a gift to see the lessons while in the fire, and with your gift of words, you are able to lift others while you are hurting. That is Christ-like! You are elect!"
This time I listened as the Holy Ghost stilled my tongue and testified of truth in that moment. I was humbled. Later she told me if she could have one spiritual gift it would be to let others know how much Heavenly Father loves them. And I think she was given that gift today. I knew exactly what she meant because in my calling in the Stake Young Women Presidency I am often His mouthpiece to the young women. I can literally feel His divine love for those daughters...and I tell them as often as I experience this. I had just not ever considered it a Spiritual Gift before. Oh the things we can learn when we're ready!
As I explore the possibilities of sharing this journey with Bryce in a book, or on a website, my associate asked me how I envisioned success. It is definitely not motivated by money, rather I know it is motivated first and foremost because of my desire to be obedient. It is God's will for me to write and share, not mine! I know any spiritual gift that we receive, is to be developed and used to bless His children.
The next source of motivation is out of an abundance of desire to lift and strengthen others. Too many of His children are struggling with addictions,drugs, suicide and need to be sustained on the covenant path.
As I continue on this journey of pain in mortality, I am grateful for the Angels, both seen and unseen, that lift and carry me. My dearest hope is that my telling of these experiences can somehow lift others who may feel alone. As I make transparent my pain, I hope that perhaps my journey will strengthen someone else who will stand taller, knowing they too are children of a King. Divine DNA is within us. He did not send us here to fail, the very idea is ludicrous! He armed us, taught us, prepared us, and loved us enough to give us the hard things to do, because He knows who we are! And we are His, Christ bought us and paid for all our sins, weaknesses and pain. His very palms testify of His love for each of us. Walk tall you're a daughter of God! I choose hope again.
On the way home a friend suggested I watch the movie Beautiful Boy. The title was familiar to me, as I remembered several others suggesting it as a resource for the challenges we are facing. Clark didn't want to watch it so I started watching it on my phone. Eventually Clark went to bed, and I felt the need to finish it. It was hard to watch, it taught me things I didn't fully understand before, it hurt my Mother's Heart, and it left me wondering about the remainder of the journey we have with Bryce. It also gave me pause about sharing my story with others...and what that would look like and ultimately be like. I lay perfectly still where I was watching the movie, as I attempted to process all I had seen and experienced. My mind started to take me down some very dark and painful paths. Then I discovered I literally couldn't move. I was paralyzed by this dark torture, I was alone. By the time about twenty minutes had passed and I couldn't shake these thoughts, or have my legs respond...the fear began to build inside me. Suddenly the thought came to me, "Read your Patriarchal Blessing." It's on my phone so I quickly pulled it up. Slowly I read. I remembered the day I had received it. I read it again. I read it again, and then the feeling came back into my legs and the light of Christ's enabling Atonement gently edged out the darkness, the fear, the black thoughts. Tears ran down my face as I slowly sat up and acknowledged all I had just experienced. I realized it had been almost twelve hours since I'd had contact with Bryce. And again my thoughts tumbled to the worse case scenarios ...but I didn't have the strength to go downstairs to check on him. Yes often my fear, overwhelms my faith, in this reality.
As I lay my head on my pillow I heard him in the kitchen, he was ok, and then I fell asleep with a smile. However the morning arrived and my heart felt heavy still. I reflected on my conversation with Judy. I'd shared with her that when I look at Bryce I can only see him as he is in this mortal experience. Often he has looked broken to me. However I realize that without the limitations of mortality, Heavenly Father and Christ can see in one glance, all Bryce had become in his pre-earth life, all he is struggling to be here, and where Bryce's journey and choices will take him after he returns to Father. From Father's unique perspective He sees Bryce very differently. He sees Bryce's former glory and who Bryce will become eventually...all at once. By definition Omnipresent.
I shared this with Bryce later and said..somewhat in jest..."I don't know what you and Bronson cooked up in the pre-earth life, but Heavenly Father has tremendous trust and faith in you two. He sure loves you both." And there are times when the veil is parted ever so slightly for me to glimpse the beautiful soul of this boy, he takes my breath away, and I am not really surprised that Satan wants to destroy him.
Today the things I heard and felt in church were answers to this Mother's prayers. In tender exchanges with some of my 'Saint Squad' I felt loved, and supported. Furthermore in a private moment one friend shared things that the Holy Ghost bore witness were true as she spoke. Her strength, perspective and deep spiritual well is my balm of Gilead. She told me "You have a gift to see the lessons while in the fire, and with your gift of words, you are able to lift others while you are hurting. That is Christ-like! You are elect!"
This time I listened as the Holy Ghost stilled my tongue and testified of truth in that moment. I was humbled. Later she told me if she could have one spiritual gift it would be to let others know how much Heavenly Father loves them. And I think she was given that gift today. I knew exactly what she meant because in my calling in the Stake Young Women Presidency I am often His mouthpiece to the young women. I can literally feel His divine love for those daughters...and I tell them as often as I experience this. I had just not ever considered it a Spiritual Gift before. Oh the things we can learn when we're ready!
As I explore the possibilities of sharing this journey with Bryce in a book, or on a website, my associate asked me how I envisioned success. It is definitely not motivated by money, rather I know it is motivated first and foremost because of my desire to be obedient. It is God's will for me to write and share, not mine! I know any spiritual gift that we receive, is to be developed and used to bless His children.
The next source of motivation is out of an abundance of desire to lift and strengthen others. Too many of His children are struggling with addictions,drugs, suicide and need to be sustained on the covenant path.
As I continue on this journey of pain in mortality, I am grateful for the Angels, both seen and unseen, that lift and carry me. My dearest hope is that my telling of these experiences can somehow lift others who may feel alone. As I make transparent my pain, I hope that perhaps my journey will strengthen someone else who will stand taller, knowing they too are children of a King. Divine DNA is within us. He did not send us here to fail, the very idea is ludicrous! He armed us, taught us, prepared us, and loved us enough to give us the hard things to do, because He knows who we are! And we are His, Christ bought us and paid for all our sins, weaknesses and pain. His very palms testify of His love for each of us. Walk tall you're a daughter of God! I choose hope again.
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