Saul or Paul..that is the question

Recently I was reading Acts 9:15 where Saul, who had been violently persecuting the fledgling church- and it's new members- shortly after the Savior had been killed, and then resurrected. His actions were causing no small stir among those who loved the Lord. There are so many levels of miracles and lessons embedded in Luke's account.
Why did Jesus Himself come, when other Divine interventions came by way of an Angel of the Lord? Why did only Saul actually see The Christ while others with him heard only the voice? Saul knew the Savior, immediately, and asked, "What wilt thou have me to do?" This interaction, to me, shows immediate obedience, however he was still blinded for three days. He also fasted for three days following this incredible experience.

Leaving Saul's account we are drawn into the next layer of the Lords plan. Ananias. The Lord calls to him, and he immediately answers, "Behold, I am here Lord." The Lord then  opens and enables his sight for a very unique perspective on Saul. A little stunned Ananias hears the Lord, Saul has been blinded and is praying for you , that he has seen [you] in a vision." I doubt anyone could fault Ananias for saying something like..."Um You know how evil this guy is right? You know he has viciously persecuted the saints in a very public way, often unto death..." And then in the heart of this account, the Lord said, "Go thy way:for he is a chosen vessel unto me, to bear my name before the Gentiles and Kings and the children of Israel." What great faith Ananias has here, this is no easy task Christ is asking of him. 
Christ continues, "For I will show him how great things he must suffer for my name's sake."

Without delay of any kind Ananias goes to Saul and testifies, as a second witness, recounting Saul's experience on the road to Damascus. Then he blesses him with the Priesthood Power of Christ, and Saul's sight is returned and he immediately is baptized and from that moment on never ceases to testify powerfully of Christ, everywhere! However his well-known past of persecuting the Saints, caused many to fear his conversion was only a ploy. So the Lord prepared yet another witness, Barnabas. With that introduction the disciples accepted the changed Saul, and eventually changed his name to Paul, who we know today to be one of the greatest missionaries ever to walk the earth.

I have read this account, and more, many times- but this time was different. This time I saw how I could apply this great experience as pertaining to me, and to Bryce. I have always known Bryce "...is a chosen vessel unto me, to bear my name before the Gentiles, and kings and the children of Israel. For I will shew him how great things he must suffer for my name's sake." Multiple milestones in Bryce's mortality have taught me this true principal. Suddenly it was as if the scales were falling from my own mortal eyes, and again I got a glimpse of how Christ truly views Bryce, and indeed each of us. 
Chosen vessels. 
To bear His name. 
A covenant to do all that may be required by Christ.
To build up the Kingdom of God in these latter days.

And as I come to more fully understand this responsibility in my own life, I also must therefore accept the same pattern in the lives of those I love around me.
This has been a powerful example of the blessing to see others through Our Saviors loving, accepting eyes.
Bryce, too, even amidst his darkest struggles, still remains a chosen vessel in Our Saviors eyes. Bryce, too, will have to suffer for Christ's plan for him to be fulfilled. We all do.

But oh the promised blessings for valiantly staying steadfastly on the covenant path! Paul's faithful, diligent example should strengthen and lift each of us. While we may have or desire to have a very different ending to our own mortality than Paul's, whatever it may be, how soon or late it may arrive, I know it is all part of our Savior's plan for just us, only us, and His Plan is always perfect, and his will is always being fulfilled. And when we align ourselves daily with His Perfect Plan for us, well that's when we truly comprehend the innate and vast difference between happiness and true JOY!

As I go in for my second shoulder surgery in a few hours, my fears of a repeat of the hellish history of my last one, have diminished as my faith comes to the foreground in my soul. I am choosing to be reminded that I too am a chosen vessel of the Lord. He does have a Perfect Plan for me here in mortality. I remember once Clark was asked to describe me to a group of strangers, and he simply said, "She is a choice daughter of God." I doubt I could ever receive a compliment I treasure more than this. This whole Saul/Paul experience serves to remind me how critical it is for us to see ourselves as Christ sees us, and to see others as Christ sees them. I believe these spiritual gifts can be ours if we ask and live worthy of them.

Today I will choose to see the Paul's in each Saul I may meet, that I may be an instrument in the Lord's hand to bring to pass each perfect plan He has made for us all.

I am enough!

There are times when I wonder how my heart can possibly survive the roller-coaster of emotions that seem to be such a part of this chapter of my life. However I am slowly discovering that a mother's heart can be a place of power. 

This week was Stake Girls camp. I chose to go and in doing so laid my heart at the Savior's feet. I trusted Him to take care of my family while I was gone. I had faith that the Angels would protect us all up at Aspen Lakes. I had patience when things happened that were "not my job" to fix. I felt my love grow for these amazing young women. I felt such gratitude for the leaders who not only planned every detail imaginable, but were there equally present to make it happen, and to empower the girls to grow their relationship with Jesus Christ, and each other. I watched as girls did really hard things, and overcome personal fear! I watched somewhat unlikely connections form, leaders who made themselves available when girls needed to talk, or walk, or be comforted. I watched strong, faithful women grow in their own self-understanding, recognizing the power of uniting with other leaders to forge ahead in faith. 

We had the privelage of also having Sister Shauna Ogden, who is a member of the General Young Women Board, speak to us all. The morning she came, we prayed the Spirit would touch each of the girls in the way they needed, and recognized, during this experience.
It was marvelous, and a delight to look into the young women's faces and see their expressions too. Sister Ogden had us crying, laughing and clapping out the cup song! 
The impact may never be entirely known to me, but the prayers were definitely answered.

President Jones also told us that as he and his wonderful counselors arrived, and paused in the upper parking lot, his eyes were unveiled and he saw Angels surrounding the entire property, and he was given to know.."that the plans the Young Women leaders have made for the Spirit to be here and for the young women's testimonies to grow, will come to pass."

What a sweet start to our final day together! 

And now I have to share the 'tissues miracle' for you see as I was packing I grabbed a travel pack of tissues (I can never be too far from a tissue source for my own leaky eyes) but as I did so the Lord prompted me "Take two." I was like- nah I'll be fine! 
Again, "Take two." 
I started into another room to continue my packing..."Sharon.." 
OK OK I'll take two. And then Wednesday I thought I knew why....

One of our sweet and dedicated leaders Jessie suffered a very serious and quick onset of heat exhaustion. I led her into our room and got her settled on a cot and summoned our awesome nurse Ashley. Suddenly Jessie said, "I need a tissue..." I quickly crossed the room and grabbed the first package of tissues and delivered them to her grateful hand, and as I did so I said quietly, "Jessie the Lord had me bring these for you. He loves you and knew you would need them today." I think I cried more tears than Jessie as I watched this miracle unfold before my now-humbled eyes. 

I marveled at the opportunity I had to serve. You see I have learned that as a Stake Leader my first responsibility is to serve, sustain and strengthen our ward leaders. Second we were to bless the lives of the young women we all loved. And so the miracles continued to unfold as the Lords plan was fulfilled, time and time again, with His timing and exactness.

And then the morning of Sister Ogden's visit came and again following the prompting I removed all the tissues from my car and shoved them into my backpack. Just before she was ready to speak she lamented that she had forgotten her tissues, again in a heartbeat my tissues came out and we laughed together. At one point in her talk, she got very emotional, and reached for those tissues! God knew exactly what she would need, and answered her need before she was even aware of it. 
It was awesome! Another tissue miracle!

On our final day at camp, everyone had dispersed to their ward campsite's for their last testimony meetings around their fires. For reasons I could not explain, I stayed behind in the pavilion, with just a couple of other leaders. Suddenly the wind began to whip the trees into a frenzy, black gathering clouds began to be visible very close to us, several flashes of lightening had us praying the girls would be protected. I knew every campsite had Priesthood with Bishoprics present so I prayed again, that those Angels President Jones had seen that morning, would do whatever was necessary to change the course of that violent storm heading straight for us. We discussed bringing in the flag, (good wife of my favorite scouter- Lover- that I am), and my suggestion was that we let the Angels do their job and we'd all be fine, flag and all. However it was not my decision to make and the flag was brought in. I looked up at those fierce black clouds looming so close to us, I saw raindrops splatter the dusty trails nearly the size of a dime! The wind whipped the flag as we wrestled it inside, and closed all the doors and waited. Just as surely as I had felt those first raindrops, I knew those Angels were now redirecting that storm. I watched with pure faith-filled delight as those clouds held their fat raindrops, and lightening, and marched right around the edge of the property. It was a personal miracle in my eyes! Later as we quickly restored the flag to it's pole, so no one would be the wiser, I looked down into Heber City and it was barely visible through the sheeting rain and violent wind-driven clouds!

And on that amazing miracle my camp experience ended. Memories I shall treasure forever. Moments of miracles always in my mind. Love for those leaders and girls deeper and richer than I would have dreamed possible.

Then from that precious pinnacle of promises fulfilled, today the earth seemed to open up beneath me as Bryce took a nose dive!! He asked me to take him to the Vape Store and as he got back in the car I heard the sound of pills in a bottle, not juice for his Vape.
"What did you buy?"
He rattled off an strange-sounding name...I held my breath..Kratom! NO! 
The last bottle brought him to his suicide attempt 15 months ago.
I asked him what I was supposed to do...
He said, "Forget about this?" No chance of that. 
"I said if I drive away from here and you use in my house, what am I supposed to do? If you use you'll be sleeping in your car, permanently."
My brain and heart were screaming for some divine guidance, but only gentle silence filled my heart..
I stopped the car and said, "Get out." he complied and I drove away, crashing into despair.
Shortly after that I pulled over and called Clark. 
Had I really just facilitated my son's suicide, without realizing it? 
What did the Lord want me to do? 
Would those words be the last, in mortality between us? 
Randomly I thought, well I know he has his license on him, so someone will let us know when they find his body. I assumed the worst, that with no home he would take the whole bottle and be dead by tonight.

About an hour later I got a text...
"Yes I did use, but I got rid of the rest of it. I am sorry but whatever you decide I know it's part of His plan. This was a rock bottom moment, I am ready to do therapy and get serious about work, I can't keep wishing to die..."

And so the roller-coaster continues. I arrived home and we will all talk when Clark gets here. I hoped by blogging I could get some mental clarity, and as I often do, feel Divine guidance for these next steps.

Fighting the feeling of failure Satan wants me to feel, I got a message from my sweet friend Audra, several weeks ago she had asked if I could be interviewed on her blog.(Audraelkington.com) I agreed and submitted answers to her questions. She told me it would post soon. Today it went up and as I read her comments and what I had written the tears fell furiously! What a tender mercy to help me remember how far we have come as a family with this child.

I know the journey won't end today. And as I continue to write the book, I know the Lord will get all these words to whoever He knows need them. I hope whoever reads any of these communications will truly believe that "I am enough" should be a daily mantra for each of us.
For indeed He knows each of us. He knows the words we cannot even say. He knows the thorny trail of tears we sometimes silently walk. He knows we are each precious in His sight, and I know that He would indeed move mountains, or violent thunderstorms, to protect us. And when those storms threaten to drown us He will let us know He is close and will help if we will but reach out to Him.

I am enough! 

M, L & M part 2

The urgency to continue to write the book I am working on, has pulled at me noticeably for the last few days. I have responded, but as my hands are still healing, it has been a challenge.Then added to the fact Cassidy arrived in town late Saturday to collect Emma & the kids for their final departure to Texas...oh how it pains my heart to even say it, let alone live through it these next few days, I hadn't been too successful at making time to write. 

However this morning I arose with a heightened sense of urgency to write. I opened my office window and the beautiful summer morning flooded into my room. The trees still, the sun shining in patterns through their leaves to my desk, the birds chattering in every tree, the cool morning air, with it's promise of summer heat to come later. Quiet. Peaceful. Hopeful. I smiled as I watched the hummingbirds feed in short, wings-fluttering-sips from the feeders.Then it was all temporarily shattered as I heard the all-too-familiar sounds of Bryce gaming downstairs, as he wound up his all-night session.

Suddenly the sting of his no-show yesterday to our family dinner (the last one we'd all be together until November.) rose to the forefront of my mind, and the other frustrations of seeing him alive but not living, too numerous to mention flashed with equal force through my consciousness. I whined to Clark, but knew I couldn't go against the Lord's directive. I sighed and picked up where I had left off. 

July 9 2018 blog titled M, L & M. As I read what I had written almost exactly one year ago...the Spirit gently made Itself known. I kept on reading. Suddenly I was swept back in time to that day. And the Holy Ghost said, "Just ask." And like a giant puzzle before me the final piece appeared. 
"Father what would Thou have me to do?" Instantly the impression came, 
"Limit his internet, and go back to a simpler form of the 24 hour plan." 
Afraid to make a wrong step in this moment I asked, 
"Lord just to be clear this is Thy will?" 
The second witness flooded through me as chills swept over me, and my heart KNEW.
I could hardly contain the urgency to share this with Clark. But forced myself to breathe, feel and enjoy the confirmation that what we were about to enforce was indeed Gods will...come what may. Other than the tears falling freely, the sun still shone, the birds were still singing, and the trees were peaceful, stirring occasionally on the gentle breeze. 

My heart felt peace. Hope. Faith, and blessed silence. And then I began to marvel at the magnitude of what had just happened. A year ago the Lord had answered my prayer that day but also laid the foundation to answer today's pleas. He answered my prayer before I even uttered it today! I stopped writing to record in my journal the miracle of God's hand in my life today. In doing so I recalled another time with similar circumstances. We had finally agreed to move back to Utah when Word Perfect came calling. Saddled with student loans upon graduation we had been praying for 7 years for help to meet our needs. Then the call came and we returned, and our first year-end bonus, paid off our loans completely! God had already laid the foundation for those prayers to be answered, years before we began asking. I will never forget the stunned silence when Clark told me. 

I choose to see and acknowledge every act of goodness from God. Every Tender Mercy. He is closer than we realize. He certainly is in the very details of my every day life. And He alone knows the secret desires buried deep within this Mother's heart. Oh how I love Him!

And now back to the joy of writing, praying always that His will be done. And shoring up my heart against the loss it shall surely feel when the final moments come for the kids to leave, back to Texas. My keyboard is swimming, blurry with my tears. But oh what a gift this 16 months has been. Also interesting to me that these 16 months were when Cassidy's family's love, strength and support was available before we even knew how desperately we would need them. Another answer to unspoken prayers! 

So as the unique hum of the hummingbirds wings penetrate my summer morning, I give thanks for Tender Mercies, and answers to silent prayers. God is good!

His Hands

As I contemplated all the ramifications of having another series of hand surgeries, numbers 5 & 6, I was admittedly concerned about many things. Foremost in those concerns was how the surgery would be performed this time, if I so chose. This could be the first one he can do in his office, without the invasive anesthesia, on one condition, if I could handle the needle to numb my hand. I thought long and hard about this decision. I knew hands have an incredible number of nerves in them. I actually visualized the nasty numbing needle dentists use. I shuddered at that memory. So I started to verbalize my concerns to the Lord.
His immediate response was to have me recall His hands....and then in His characteristic gentle humor he said, "Really, will it be worse than My hands?" In my minds eye I visualized Christ's scarred hands that do and will testify to His Divine Role. Savior of the world.

My mind instantly flashed to Joseph's prayer in Liberty jail as he was delineating his concerns for himself and the saints he was Prophet to, and Christ answered him, "The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than He?" D&C 122:8-9 
I smiled...all would be well, and He knew already how I would feel! I re-read the scriptural account if this Liberty Jail account. And I noticed in Christ's answer he first empathized with Joseph, he knew how Joseph was feeling, and then His gentle reminder that He of all people was not only the greatest (of all time...G.O.A.T.) but that He gently reminded Joseph this would not be as hard at what Christ had survived himself in mortality. And He went on to say God will be with you!

I took Him at His word and moved forward in my decision. In the moment I mentally called upon my Savior, fully awake, and when the surgeon stepped away I was flooded with gratitude at the power of Christ's atonement evidenced in that moment. Again I was stunned at the personal relationship I reverence and share with my elder brother Jesus Christ. I cannot profess to understand how He does what He alone does, but right now His Power was my comfort, solace and strength.

The surgery went well and the healing was surprising to all! Enough so that I scheduled the second hand to be done the following week. With only minor setbacks I am healing.

So today as I was studying the first accounts of interactions with the newly Resurrected Christ I marveled at some new understanding the Holy Ghost shared with me. When the two Disciples were walking on the road to Emmaus, and Christ joined them, their eyes were holden (restricted) so they didn't know the identity of the Savior in that moment. However after a lengthy discussion of the scriptures, Christ accepted their invitation to eat dinner with them. Then it was during the dinner that Christ took the bread of the meal, brake and blessed it. Instantly their eyes were opened and they recognized whose hands were breaking bread before them. The risen Lord Jesus Christ! The marks on His hands testified of Him, through the power of the great Testifier, The Holy Ghost. As they reflected on their conversation earlier on the road, they recognized again the feelings they had as Christ taught them. The Holy Ghost was just starting to be recognized as they had no need of His divine gift, when they had the Savior among them in the flesh.

Then in an attempt to liken the scriptures unto me. I thought of the priests hands breaking bread and blessing it for me every week. I could visualize this meal with His disciples, and I could visualize Christ breaking bread for my renewal of my covenants weekly. I know if He were to be in our Sacrament meeting, I believe he would want to personally minister to each of us, by braking, blessing and offering those sacred emblems to each person there.

And so today my hands are slowly healing, I am trying to do as He directs, but I always fall short- so it is with eager anticipation that I now begin my preparation to reverently, purposefully and ever so gratefully partake of that sweet ordinance on Sunday. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FySuVkiit0

A birthday for Bryce.

Twenty seven years ago! Oh what a night! I witnessed multiple miracles, as the moment had finally come. Bryce had finally arrived, blue as a blueberry, with his cord wrapped around his neck multiple times. With no newborn cry, the respiratory therapists began hitting his chest with a special mallet trying to have him breathe. Within a minute he was bundled up, thrust towards my face with the quiet command "Kiss your baby" which I did and then was startled when they ran from the room, and their racing footsteps could be heard all the way to the nursery!! 
I looked at Clark and said "you'd better go with him." He quickly left the room. I closed my eyes and prayed, but felt only peace. What I know now- was that on some level I knew he was in the Lord's gentle hands. While they cleaned me up, I lay quietly and reflected on all that had just happened. I marveled at the knowledge that the little hand I had felt on my belly towards the end with each contraction, was Bryce's twin Bronson. The twin I had miscarried within the first week of my pregnancy! I had seen him and silently communicated with him! I knew him immediately! What a marvelous miracle! Clark arrived back after a short stay with Bryce to report, "He has pinked up nicely, and is beautiful. I'll see you tomorrow." And with that he was gone. I breathed a sigh of relief, believing all was well.

The nurse finally asked if I would like to see my baby before going to my room, from my wheelchair, I nodded, already feeling the effects of the sleeping pill. Suddenly I was shocked into complete awareness, and felt nearly strangled with fear, as she wheeled me into the Newborn Intensive Care Unit!! 
The veritable sea of medical personnel parted and to my horror, I saw my son lying on his back in an open crib hooked to countless tubes, leads and machines, with his eyes closed, motionless! Something was very, very wrong, but no one had any answers yet, and I was wheeled silently to my room. 

Several hours later Bryce's new pediatrician, kindly entered my room and introduced himself. He gently told me our boy was very sick, but in excellent hands, and they were running some tests, but hopefully I would be nursing him within a few more hours. I was still in shock, but had the presence of mind to call Clark and tell him to come and give our beautiful boy a blessing, because he may not make it. Clark's Dad met us in the NICU, Bryce was still not conscious as they reverently stepped up to Bryce's bedside. Clark went to lay his hands on Bryce's head..and suddenly faltered, and withdrew his hands...softly he said "I don't know if I can do this..." As I met his eyes I saw his love for our son and yet agony was etched on his face. Little did I know our whole world was about to change. Clark again stepped up, and with trust and determination, he began the first of many blessings for this child. Then my heart crashed to the depths of terror as I heard Clark say, "Heavenly Father Bryce's is your son, if Thou needs to take him home, we will accept Thy Will. But Father if he is permitted to stay I will teach him all he needs to know to return to Thee someday." Silent tears slid down my cheeks, my mind screamed silently...."Please no! He just got here! But...Thy will be done." I fell weeping into Clark's arms and we cried together. 

Two days later I was checking out of the hospital, with a photograph of my beautiful boy, Bryce, twin of Bronson. One of the nurses had kindly snapped a rare shot of Bryce as they were changing the tube into his mouth, and oxygen tubing into his nose. He had not one, but two deep, beautiful dimples, and the most magnetic blue eyes. Lots of dark hair and long dark eyelashes!  But instead of taking that long-awaited bundle of joy home, he was being wheeled into surgery to correct a duodenal stenosis-high grade. A blockage of his intestines. 

To say this whole experience was unexpected would be a gross understatement. I won't go into any more detail here...it will be in the book! Yes I am writing a book. Please pray for me as I battle many fears, and Satan, in this project.

So today I look back and marvel at the evidence of the Lord's hand throughout this child's earthly life. I have been awed and humbled as pieces of the Grand Picture have been given to me over the years. Bryce is a truly remarkable soul, and I love him so much. The Mother-Bear in me has always been very close to the surface during his life, as we have walked through the valley of the shadow of death many times.

However, today, today we celebrate him. His goodness, his spirit, his beautiful eyes and dimples even! His kindness, the depth of his soul, and his undeniable connection to his twin brother Bronson. While Bronson had a very different arrival date to his mortality than Bryce, he has none-the-less been very much a part of our family's story. He has been permitted to be with me many times,and he is a very real part of Bryce's sojourn here.

I can hardly comprehend the journey we have shared with Bryce, and it is not over yet! But I love him with my whole soul. Relationships are undeniably altered when that walk into the shadow of death, as we know it, is undertaken...not one, not twice, but every time it happens. And I know it will happen again.

But today we celebrate! We are thankful for the multitude of miracles, awed by the opportunities for spiritual growth, humbled by the glorious love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for this valiant son. Today we hope Bryce knows how we treasure him, love him and are inspired by his struggles with, and victories over, his personal challenges. He is amazing! We are so proud of his efforts! I personally appreciate his spiritual insights and his quick laugh, spontaneous hugs, sticky-notes of love all over the place, his ability to let the past be the past, though it is a daily determination still.

Happy Birthday to you my darling Bryce! Thank you for being here with us today!

Angels among us...again.

I am more sensitive to hearing the Lord's requests, over and over in the scriptures, of the need for us to turn to Him. In all we do, seek Him. I wonder if I hadn't taken to heart this request, was it necessary to almost lose my son, in order for me to hear His plea, or follow it? Now I am sure many would emphatically disagree that the Lord would ever allow this on purpose...I am just pondering the possibility.

Today we sat with friends in church. And just as the meeting started Lynn was whispered into service for his calling, necessitating he leave his inside seat, climb over several of us to get out. Then as the Sacrament prayer began I heard someone sit down behind me, and felt their presence there. I had a fleeting thought, it must be Lynn and he didn't want to disturb us again. I glanced over my shoulder and was stunned to see the bench empty! 
Immediately I knew Bronson was there. I felt my heart race and my breath was gone. Only then did it occur to me to wonder why? Why was he here? I closed my eyes, to avoid any distractions, and felt my way into the experience of having my son close by.

As we were leaving for church today Bryce had come upstairs, and I invited him to come to church. He shook his head but said "I love you."  and then gave me one of his just-woken-up warm hugs. I trusted in the Lord, and gave Him my heartache in that moment and walked out. This experience ran through my mind, as I contemplated Bronson's visit today. I recalled a similar experience the day my brother Craig had died. I felt him sit down between Cassidy and I as the Sacrament Service began. Surprised, we had only been notified of his death a few hours earlier, I asked him "What are you doing here?" He answered, "I wanted to go to church today with family and you were the only one who went." After the Sacrament had been completed, Craig was gone. I found out later I had been the only one in Church that day. (Mum was nearly undone in her grief and couldn't face anyone that day.)

Then gently my answer came from Bronson, "I wanted you to know that I wanted to be in church with you today. You are loved and honored as a Mother in Zion." Tears filled my eyes and I thanked him & the Lord for such a tender blessing. I was reminded that although the veil may separate me from some of my children right now, the day would surely come when all of them would worship with me again. Silently Bronson slipped away, and I marveled at such a sacred, sweet  experience. I idly wondered how many other 'angels' were among us during that sacred part of our Sunday worship, on any given day.

Then our Sunday School lesson included the interaction between Christ and the rich young ruler. Clark and I had been studying it this week, and he recalled learning awhile ago that most often people pass over a very critical part of the story, when Christ looked upon this young man, "and loved him". It was a powerful reminder that regardless of our choices Christ loves us all. He will meet us wherever we are- and make us complete, if we let Him.
In this story Christ reviews several of The Ten Commandments, and the young man responded that he had been keeping those commandments his whole life, which was true, however when Christ issued His request to sell all he had and give to the poor, then take up His cross and follow Him, the young man couldn't do it. The general narrative of this is the young man loved his riches too much. I think it goes deeper than that.

I puzzled over this for days, finally I looked up the 10 commandments and knowing some were commandments about loving the Lord and the rest were about loving others, I reviewed the Savior's verbal list. Sure enough the rich young ruler had indeed kept all that applied to loving others, however he had missed the four about loving the Lord. His focus hadn't, and wouldn't be, on the Savior! I have to believe that the description given this young man was accurate: rich young ruler, he had focused his good life on everything to become rich at a young age, but not on the Savior! 

What tender mercies this day have been pored out on me. 
As I have focused on my Savior, He has indeed blessed me again, as He has promised.

Ahhhh Mothers Day

The gentle breeze causes the leaves to dance and filter the streaming sunshine into lovely little patches of light alive with movement. I marvel some days at the sheer simplicity of what brings me joy.

Today is Mothers Day. 

My family and friends have shared their Mother's Day celebrations in Australia and I am in humble awe at the rich heritage of strong women I descend from. 

I am eternally grateful for the blessing of my sweet Mother in my life. For she has been an unshakable tower of strength. She continues to set an amazing example of faithful endurance.Her Mother's heart has embraced every soul she has ever met. She is kindness personified. I am grateful to have her in my life. I remember at about 12 years old I finally got up the courage to ask her when she would tell a child they were adopted. I have no idea where that notion came by but I clearly remember the anxiety with which I proposed that question. She was ironing in the laundry room. 

Her answer was, "Well I guess when I thought they could handle it."

 

I came away devastated, not only did the question of my adoption not have an answer...apparently I was not old enough to handle the truth!

As I continued to grow up it became very evident physically that I was indeed not adopted. She may be short where I am tall...but those eyes! Well needless to say those eyes have been passed to two more generations, and with Danielle's recent bombshell surprise of her pregnancy, maybe we'll have another child with Grand-Nanny's blue eyes too!

And also my maternal Grandmother, Nanny, and my other-mother-Aunty Yvonne. 

These three women of faith and strength chartered new waters in our family line, accepting the gospel of Jesus Christ. As I have grown up following their gospel example I have seen their deep well of faith, strength under incredible pain and heartache, form them into beautiful daughters of God. Their unwavering faith has strengthened me in my times of trial. Their love has lifted me out of the depths of despair. Their laughter has brightened my days.

A Mother is one who loves without restraint. The very act of mothering is often a hallmark of one who cares more for others, than in that moment, she cares for herself. It doesn't always mean a biological bridge, shared similar cells. Mothering is one who nurtures another, one who loves another, one who serves another.

I have often seen the heartache, the nearly all-consuming desire to be a Mother. And often the role of Mother comes most unexpectedly. Children whose desire to be part of a family agree to almost any condition while on the other side of the veil, to come to earth. Some of those children are blessed with incredible Mothers, whose desire vastly outweighs their ability to give physical birth. And so those Mothers give so unselfishly to love, nurture and teach these little souls. 

Yesterday my sweet friend Lori had to unexpectedly bury her Mother. My heart ached as I witnessed the great love and sacrifice this event caused her. When I got to meet her new little grandson, and I immediately saw Lori's eyes looking up at me. The words tumbled out of my mouth instinctively, "Oh my goodness he has Lori's eyes!" Then as the unplanned words registered in my brain I said, "Oh that's not really a possibility is it?" I knew Lori had adopted each of her sons, so biologically the bluest eyes hadn't physically been sent down the gene pool to this darling boy, but it got me to thinking. And I still wonder today, when we reach the other side of the veil, when everything will be remembered and revealed, how closely are we all connected, regardless of our physical birth process? It's a thought I will continue to ponder. But in the visual connection I witnessed moments later as Lori held and lovingly kissed that little grandson, I marveled that  I had completely forgotten she hadn't given birth to those boys. She had indeed Mothered them in every sense of the word. Even caring 'til death one of them who was called Home early. 

I have many loved ones and friends around me who have had their children (and grandchildren too) arrive into their loving arms not the conventional way. I think of one niece who adopted and is raising her sisters twins. Of another who is raising her recently deceased brother-in-law's son. Even my own children, have opened their lives and hearts to love unconditionally their step-children. So many doing so much, under the sacred shield of Motherhood. Someone said once to me, "You are amazing. You love your step-grandchildren as much as you do your biological ones." I was a bit shocked at the comment, and responded "Well they are my grandchildren!"

May we each cast aside the self-recrimination, the unkind judgement, the feelings of being less-than, the comparison to others that are tools of Satan, designed to make us forget who we really are.

And so on this beautiful Mother's Day I bow my head, and lift my voice, in honor of Mothers everywhere. We all have shared the same feelings- hope, love, loss, inadequacy, loneliness, anxious waiting, and painful partings. In any, all, and every form we should praise and respect every woman we know. For in every heart we women are all Mothers, regardless of what we think we see in others. Let's love and embrace every woman as the crowning creation of a loving Father and Mother in Heaven. For that is truly who we all are.

Happy Mother's Day.