Many Blessings

There are times when I feel the pull to write, but I am not always sure what the content will be...today is one of those times.

It seems the longer my life goes on, the more people I love- I lose. I know they move on, leaving behind all the mortal-ness with it's struggles, pain and weaknesses. And I know they go to another place, even more exquisite, than what we know here. I know they are reunited with loved ones they have lost, and that they watch over me from there. But as I told my Nanny Sewell when she visited me after she had died, "It's not you I worry about...it's me!" Some days it's harder than others to remember to trust Heavenly Father's timing. I am learning, again it seems, that His timing is not only perfect, but also the only way! 

It just seems like the past few months have been loss after loss, and as I think about what I am grateful for this Thanksgiving Day....I am digging deep and remembering the beautiful things each of these dear departed loved ones have taught or given me. 

Max...I have a photo of his infectious smile, that made his whole face light up, in my office. He is the righteous parental Priesthood holder that I am sealed to for Eternity.  He persevered in faith, working on improving himself, wherever he felt he needed to. Always kind and caring to those around him. I remember fondly the Mother's Day he brought me a rose from his garden. His kindnesses are fresh in my memory!

Uncle Garry...while he teased me constantly, I knew under that facade he loved me very much. I remember him driving Mum & I to a local shopping center, and then sat patiently (not necessarily his strong suit when it came to me) outside in the hallway while we shopped our hearts out. He cooked for me and carefully taught Clark the intricacies of the dumbest game on the planet....Cricket! 

Dakota...my sweet nephew who reminded me sooo much of his Dad, my brother Craig. Koda Bear was kind, caring, and was always sharing a hug with me within seconds of us coming together. He brought family together, he loved deeply and completely. As I witness the pain in the wake of his passing, I am acutely aware it is because we all loved him so much, and he loved equally as fiercely in return.

Uncle Tom...quick to smile. laugh and joke, I loved watching the tender care he took of his girls...Aunty Una, Aunty Yvonne, Mum, Jan, Karin, Susan and Robyn. No one was excluded from any of his adventures. His generous heart will never be far from my memories of him. 

Dear Spencer...a life so beautifully accomplished there was no need to remain here. His family such a powerful example of Christ-like love. I think of him often, and pray his family feels the peace of Christ, as they move forward together, Spencer never far from their hearts.

Clark's Dad...my father-in-law was a truly remarkable man. His legacy is rich in righteousness. His example is being followed by his posterity. The hole he leaves here is hard to bear, but I know he would want us to keep striving for the blessings of Heaven. Staying strong on the covenant path, was his dearest wish for us all. 

So while I have shed many tears recently, I pause today to recognize the incredible gifts I have been given in knowing these remarkable people. And while my mortal path has been rugged at times with pain, I am so grateful for others who have stopped and lent a hand, lifting me, encouraging me, and walking this path of thorns with me.

I look to my greatest blessings, that of Lover and my children and grandchildren. Oh how sweet they make my life! How they inspire me to try hard things, and continue to grow. I take courage as I watch them walk their own vale of tears, strong, confident and lifting and helping each other. My heart is full as I see our fervent prayers being answered in their lives. I am so proud of each of them! 

And so while I acknowledge loss brings growth, I choose to linger upon the beautiful blessings I have been given. My prayer, or hope, for each of us, is that we may continue to lift and strengthen each other, that we won't ever become too busy to stop and share our love. That we may see the good in others and the world around us. And may we ever give thanks to that great God, who made all of this possible for us. And to Christ, who through His unselfish Atonement, has made Eternal Life with our loved ones a reality for us to reach out and grasp onto.

Happy Thanksgiving Day!

Leaves..

Falling leaves in my front yard caught my eye and then my mind just now. I reflected on my friend Bella's reference to fall being a time that teaches us to let go gracefully.... I continued to watch the golden leaves fall gently in the stillness of this Autumn morning. I realized it is not often that I get to actually see the leaves fall, having given their all, they have fulfilled the measure of their creation, and now letting go they fall gently to the carpet of leaves below.

Still letting these thoughts run through my mind I prepared my breakfast and then sitting down at my kitchen table facing my backyard, I witnessed again this little circle of life.
Then I saw one leaf moving, but not falling. Fascinated I watched as it precariously fluttered back and forth. Thinking it would be interesting to see it actually fall, as opposed to just glimpsing leaves after they had begun to fall...as I had no idea when the fall would begin, I watched. While there seemed to be very little movement in surrounding leaves, I was  almost mesmerized as the leaf swung in the invisible breeze. I was amazed at it's obvious tenacity, against inevitable odds. There were times when it was battering against nearby leaves, and branches...still it failed to fall.

Then the thought came to me...how often do I humbly accept the changes Christ is nudging me toward? Do I take His help and gracefully or humbly make the necessary changes...thus fulfilling my Divine Destiny. Or do I tenaciously cling to old habits resisting the very change that would help me reach the full measure of my creation? Which leaf am I?

I realized the are other times when violent winds would rip even the unwilling leaves from their safety and comfort...and then blow them in every direction, in essence, forcing the inevitable change, and they landed far away having been tossed unmercifully on the winds. Are there times I resist the change in my life I need to make, when a wise and loving Father in Heaven, shakes my world, helping me to accept changes that ultimately will bring me closer to Him and the Heavenly Home I am reaching for? Do I resist changing old ways, habits or poor choices, until He the Master of all sends, sometimes-violent winds, into my life thus focusing my attention on changes He knows are critical to enable me to make the necessary progress?

As I conclude my writing my little golden backyard leaf is still fighting to stay on the nearly bare branch. Even so, other leaves in yellow, oranges and browns...fall gently to the earth. The fight goes on...which leaf will I now choose to be like?

Surprise!!

Even though the calendar claimed I was now 60 years old, I still had a hard time wrapping my head around that reality. The morning of my birthday began with the heavy and instantly recognizable scent of my childhood. Frangipani...Plumeria. 

I remember my Nana Olsson had a carport on one side of her house in Strathfield, just outside of Sydney. That entire carport, both sides and the roof, was completely covered with Frangipani. 

After living in our Lindon house with 44 trees on our acre of land, I am overwhelmed with the fall leaves those 44 trees drop every year. So I can now appreciate the prolific flowering Frangipani may be considered a messy contribution to any yard in Australia. 

However as a child, often in dire need of solace, comfort, and to somehow be reminded that there was still beauty-in my often horrific young life- to me those pristine, picture-perfect flowers, and their unmatched fragrance seemed to represent my Heavenly Father’s gift to me. At the time I never saw the mess they made as they fell to the ground, having given their all. All I knew was that they were beautiful, and to this day I never tire of seeing, or smelling them. 

I also know now that smell is one of the strongest memory senses, and those sweet Frangipani still have the power to transport me home to Australia. 

So part of my heart immediately considered my birthday perfect-as I awoke to Frangipani blooms at my bedside. 

Little did I know....

Later that day we went to the Waikiki Hyatt for my birthday dinner. As I stood on the open balcony overlooking the famous beach, my mind drifted back to the week previous when we had Skyped with Trevor. He said “Well your card should arrive this week, but your present won’t get there til next week.” I reminded him we’d be in Hawai’i by then but that Bryce could bring it inside. That kinda dashed my secret hope that they would somehow meet us in Hawai’i. I returned to the table and my phone began to ring....it was Trevor. He said, “So I shipped your package to the hotel, because I thought you guys were staying there. Apparently not. I’ve talked to the front desk and they told me you’ll have to pick it up by 6pm.” 

I looked at my watch it was 5:56!

So Lisa took me down to the front desk and there were several people in line ahead of us. Suddenly I heard kind of a loud cough behind me and I felt like the person was standing a bit too close to me with that cough...so I turned around to them....and screamed as my brain caught up with what my eyes were seeing...Trevor and Chris standing there grinning at me and my reaction! I grabbed Chris in a huge hug as my eyes filled with tears. 

I could hardly take it in!

Later little pieces of the puzzle would drop into place in my mind. And I realized Clark and Trevor had planned this whole thing months ago!! Planning ahead has been so out of Clark’s character for much of our marriage, so the magnitude of what they’d done still reduces me to tears! 

They all thoroughly enjoyed sharing their respective roles in this birthday surprise of all surprises! 

As I looked around the table at the smiling happy faces, and the sparkling eyes, of some of the people most dear to me in this life, I felt so blessed! 

Much later I found out Lisa actually caught most of my initial reaction on video...another surprise that apparently had some divine intervention!!

We all enjoyed several days together before Jones’s continued on to London via Boston. 

So this somewhat scary 60th birthday will forever stand as one of the most remarkable surprises of my life. I remember looking into Clark’s eyes that night, as my heartbeat returned to normal, and his joy and his love for me, took my breath away again! 

There’s no way to adequately express my heartfelt gratitude to Clark, Trevor, Chris, Greg, Lisa...and a few others who kept their secret, but I will love each of them and cherish the memories forever! 

Glistening golden sand

We settled on Makapu’u beach, I strolled down the wet sand watching and listening. Descriptive phrases flooded my mind....endlessly enchanting...miraculously mesmerising. 

Stilled by the scenes unfolding before my eyes...continuously captivating the pale aqua waves building and suddenly bursting into white foam. Wave upon wave, waiting- then building then breaking over and over again. I let the cacophony of pounding surf seep into my battered, aching heart. 

The combination of sights, sounds, and sand between my toes, allowed peace to slip into my soul. Gradually I dragged my eyes from the ocean, and saw the white surf spray-splashing against the black lava rocks. I looked higher and saw the silent sentry of stone, covered in lush tropical foliage. 

A solitary lighthouse, perched on the edge of the mountain side, reaching out to bring others safely home,  and warning of unseen dangers below.

The perfect pallet of colors, draws me into the crazy surf. I quickly realized I had been perfectly safe on the glistening sand, but as I ventured away from that safety, suddenly I felt the invisible pull....before I can catch my breath, the waves- instantly the enemy- now pound me along with the already soaking sand. It may look good but the reality is entirely different. The analogy isn’t lost on me. Am I truly engaged in following the beacon from my lighthouse...the Lord’s Prophet on earth today-President Nelson? Knowing he will steer me away from worldly dangers....

The seagulls swoop towards the surface, hoping for a fresh catch from the sea, pulling away seconds before the surf meets the sand in the unmistakable roar. 

And life goes on. After untangling myself from the relentless rip-tide, I settled in back on the glistening sand and relaxed. Yes, yes, this is just what I needed!

Hawaiian Magic

As dawn slowly steals across the early morning Hawaiian  sky, my body-clock has already switched on to Hawaiian time. Craving an Hawaiian sunrise, I slowly come awake. Remembering there is absolutely no agenda whilst I’m here, I smile. Snuggling into Clark, we whisper sleepy thoughts about our time here so far. Agreeing we feel peace seeping into our souls. Our Idahoan-Kuaui friend Garry said when he knew we had landed in Oahu...”I hope that Hawaii works its magic healing powers. Enjoy!” He knew how desperate we were to have peace , and yes some time to heal.

Amongst some of our longest, sweetest friends, Lisa & Greg Winterton, and in some of God’s most beautiful natural settings, His cherished peace steals slowly into my heart-rejuvenating  me to my very soul. Oh the sweetness of His peace! Oh the majesty of His plan for me! My heart fills with gratitude as I breathe in the warm moist air, beckoned by the silence outside, I slip outside and the gentle island breeze ruffles my sleep-tousled hair, and caresses my cheek. Oh it’s good to be alive in this beautiful world He’s given me.

With my 60th Birthday looming...somewhat dauntingly, on my horizon I had decided to help me wrap my head around this major milestone of mortality- we would go home to Australia and with dear friends Trevor and Chris Jones, we’d celebrate on the Great Barrier Reef! We talked and planned and then suddenly six months ago our personal universe turned upside down as we began to live through those horrific hours after Bryce’s suicide attempt. To say our lives were not our own these last few months would be a gross understatement. So our big plans for this week were shelved permanently. Surviving day to day consumed us, as many of you know. Recently Clark suggested we celebrate in Hawaii. It sounded wonderful. The Islands beckoned me, whispering of peace and stillness. Of unmatched beautiful vistas, and friends whose  love and kindness would be a balm to my wounded heart.

So we came, leaving our cares and fears at the Savior’s feet by His request. Turning Bryce over to Him again, we boarded the first flight. As the distance from home increased and our destination drew nearer, our smiles grew deeper, and my heart finally felt lighter. Yes this was a good idea Lover!

And so today I thank my Savior for His endless empathy, His  living, lasting love, caring compassion and kindness and His ever-present, perfect patience. The sky here now continues to grow lighter, bird song now fills the air, and another day begins, on this island paradise of Hawaii. What incredible gifts He continues to give! So while the countdown to 60 marches on, I merely mute its sound, and absorb all the peace, tranquility and beauty around me. It is another day of sand, sea and sunshine for me!

And life is Eternal...

As I slowly came awake this morning my mind began to fill with snippets of sentences, words wanting to be written, memories making themselves known, feelings finding their voice inside my heart. The computer calling to me, I surrendered my sleep-in, and stumbled down the dark stairs....into the light. 

Yesterday Heaven welcomed home one of it's own as my Uncle Tom (my sweet Mum's only brother)  gently eased his way through the veil of mortality.  His departure from this mortal life came on so suddenly, we weren't even aware of this possibility until about two hours before it happened. Mum and I both received a video-chat from his eldest daughter Jan asking us if we'd like to say goodbye. By then he was in that space between consciousness and final departure. With a sob in my throat, an ache in my heart, and tears running freely down my cheeks I said.."Oh Uncle Tommy I am so sorry! I love you, and I know Nanny & Papa are waiting for you and you will not be alone!" I watched as my Aunty Una leaned into him giving him the kiss I asked her to give him for me. And I realized immediately in that moment- he was not long for this earth. I am so grateful to Jan, in that moment of tremendous grief, she included Mum and me!! I am awed again at the thoughtfulness of her tender heart! Oh how I hope I can be as selfless someday.

In my mind's eye I can see clearly how this tragedy from my perspective unfolded.
I knew without a shadow of doubt, that Nanny & Papa waited anxiously to greet him with open arms! What I can't stop thinking about is Uncle Tom's reaction. You see, my Mum joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints when she was just fourteen years old. Her Mum, my sweet Nanny also joined, as did my incredible Aunty Yvonne. So Mum had tried to teach Tommy about her new-found beliefs. Even recently they had conversations about her understanding and knowledge of our Eternal Natures, as Children of God. He was quick to smile and say oh Gwenny you know that's not true...there's no after-life. We do the best we can here and that's the end of it.

The scene that has been replaying in my mind, over and over, for nearly 24 hours now, begged me this morning to describe it. So here I am am. Desperate to give no offense, but knowing I need to share.

I know with every fiber of my being that the anticipation felt by those on the other side of the veil was mounting as the time drew close. I know they were all acutely aware of those of us here who were heartbroken at the thought of losing Tommy. However all I see is the veil parting and Tom's first glimpse into Heaven. I see him look with a child-like sense of wonder at the crowd of family and friends who stand patiently, but excitedly waiting to greet him. I see his ever-quick smile settle permanently on his face, as the realization slowly seeps into his heart and soul..."Gwenny was right!" Then I see Nanny & Papa rush towards him and embrace him with their combined, powerful love, joyful beyond description to have him home again, with them. And then the sweet scene fades...only to repeat itself again and again. The look on Uncle Tom's face has not left my mind for a second!

I know there are those who will pass this off as perhaps delusional desires of a grieving heart, whatever helps you sleep at night notions, But I know what is real, I know what is truth, and I know this scene played out yesterday exactly as I have described!
Truth is not dependent upon one's belief of it. Truth stands eternal.

So knowing where Uncle Tommy is does give me peace. However for those left behind, without the reassurance of these truths, makes my heart ache with their grief! 

Obviously I grew up with Uncle Tommy in my life, I hold dear the myriad of memories I have. He raised and trained horses. I remember going to the horse farm, and it was expansive and well-equipped, with many many horses. Then later after we had migrated to America, I remember several visits he made to us over the years. Recently, because of my flight benefits with jetBlue, I have been able to travel back home to Australia, multiple times, so we've spent time together often. He was always ready with a quick smile, plenty of laughs, with a sprinkle of teasing! He is one of the kindest, most generous, thoughtful people I know. He adored his girls Jan, Karin, Susan & Robyn. Their husbands became the sons he never had, they did everything together as a family. One of the long-standing traditions was their annual trip to the Melbourne Cup. It was always an incredible trip, including everyone of course. And when Aunty Yvonne moved to Melbourne, Uncle Tom included her and Uncle Garry in these adventures. Mum even went out one year to join the fun. Tommy would hire a coach (bus) to move all his family around to each event! Tommy always took care of Mum, he was generous and caring of her well-being. His phone message to her on her birthday this week was evidence of his love and care for her...even when he was obviously not well himself. Mum remembers thinking he didn't sound like himself when she listened to it. Eventually we'll know more of the timeline of this unexpected turn of events. She knew he loved her dearly always! He loved everyone deeply and without reserve.

To say he will be missed, is the biggest understatement ever! One of his granddaughter's Jayde summed it up perfectly...he was the glue of the family! He led his family into close and loving bonds that will never be broken. And whilst they may wonder if this family unit can continue after death, it brings such joy to me to know they will see him again, they will be a family unit after death...and on through Eternity! 

So I wipe my tears, often, and wrap myself tightly in the memories we all share of this wonderful man. I pray for their peace and comfort, and smile at the possibilities of Uncle Tom's adventures beyond the veil. I know he will be close by to Una and the girls, he has a vested interest in assisting his family any way he can. He always has, and always will. He will watch closely as they step into their new altered reality without him by their side. I know they will ache for him. But I also know in their quiet moments of reflection they can totally believe he will never be far away!

What peace this knowledge has already brought me. His good heart goes on, his love for us all will continue to grow. He will never be forgotten, but always missed. Farewell, for now, Uncle Tommy! I love you!

Nearer, my God, to Thee

I feel like my heart has been filleted. There is so much pain around me lately. My sweet friend Jodi, watched her Mother slip through the veil last week. And then sweet Spencer..
At times like this it seems to come all at once, this pain around me. Some days I am not convinced I will ever completely believe that Bryce survived his attempt. There are those quiet moments of reflection, wherein I try to wrap my head around the events of that fateful night....but sometimes it feels like I am watching someone else's life. Then suddenly the reality crashes through my subconscious when I learn about someone else's pain for their loved ones. Last night I learned of another friend, who's child attempted to take her life. 
I ache. I cry. I rage. I pray...for them..and for me too. And I feel so useless..knowing no one can really do much for anyone's shattered heart. However I now understand more intensely the the offers of help in my hour of need. But also I will never forget the power of loving faith-filled personal prayers, offered by others, in my behalf. That sustaining power is tangible to the recipients! And so I pray some more for their aching hearts! 

After finding out about my second friend's heartache, I was faced with driving home from Salt Lake in the rapidly approaching dusk of the day. I knew the drive would require my focused attention...instead of crying myself into a puddle. So as I drove in silent tears, I started a gratitude list of all the things I knew my sweet friend had done to prevent this very outcome. Slowly as the list grew, peace trickled into my heart. I arrived safely home, and learned her daughter would be ok. In the quiet of my home I ached for someone to hold me while I cried. I had made the decision not to tell Bryce. I didn't think it would serve any viable purpose at this juncture. Sitting at my kitchen table, suddenly I heard a gentle knock on my front door...I hesitated thinking I would likely be very poor company right then. However I opened my door to see my "Little" angels, Gary and Elizabeth poised to love me. I told them how desperately I had need of comfort, and they immediately did what they do best, wrapping me in their loving arms, listening, and talking. They ultimately prayed a protecting blessing over my home, both my friends' homes...and extended it to protect Clark and Cassidy as they made their way home.
As with most of our conversations, we discuss spiritual things, and my heart lifted as I witnessed yet another miracle. I felt so loved, by them, by my Savior, and by my Heavenly Father.

Today I ended my busy church-and-calling-day by visiting another ward's Young Women's meeting. This inspired YW President (who knew nothing of my life and struggles recently) began in earnest to teach those beautiful young women of their Eternal value and Divine destiny. As I watched this unfold I looked into the eager faces of some of God's truly incredible daughters and hoped and prayed they would somehow catch the vision of who they really are!. Daughters of the King, Royal Divine DNA flows in their veins, and in ours! We are all children of God. Oh how He loves us! Oh how I love those beautiful, divine, full-of-promise young women! I wish with all my heart that none of them would forget this moment, as Satan rages against them daily. That somehow they would in times of trial, pull from that Divine well-spring within and stand tall. Could we all have that moment of clarity, to remember who we really are?

Maybe we could all walk around with those animated conversation bubbles above our heads delineating our current challenge...think how much easier it would be to help those who were struggling silently!! Can you imagine how much we would want to be kinder to others, to wrap them in our arms and tell them they are loved, to pray for them especially when we are unfamiliar with their current trials? Maybe we can just pretend everyone's burdens are remarkably heavy, and personal, but that our love can heal, and bring peace, if we allow ourselves to be that instrument in God's all-loving and knowing hand.


Today I also was profoundly affected by one line in a hymn I have sung countless time over my life. 

Nearer, My God, to Thee.

"Nearer, my God to thee, nearer to thee,
E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me,
Still all my song shall be.
Nearer my God to thee."

I suddenly realized these words weren't talking about Christ's experience with His cross...
This was my plea to Him, that as I bore the cross of my struggles- those very struggles, and pain and anguish of soul, would ultimately bring me nearer to Him! If I let Him in.

I couldn't even finish singing the hymn, and I returned to the words again and again as this truth settled slowly in my heart. I felt His love wrapping me in a blanket of surety. He did know my agonies, he knew my friends agonies. He even knew intimately of the darkness that saturates the minds, and then removes rational thought as some of His children try desperately to find relief from their pain and suffering...ultimately believing suicide is truly their only option.

Yes His cross has made Eternity possible, but even during mortality my crosses will bring me to Him. That is His perfect plan for each of us!  Oh what a wonderful Sabbath it has turned out to be!