Standing strong in the fog.

I have been itching to write, but without something specific I have hesitated. Then just this morning my sweet friend Audra shared something that resonated with my heart, with her permission I will share.

One of her friends sent her this, "Our kids are great and amazing. They were sent to us because the Lord knew we would fight to protect them from the world." 
Audra went on to say, "A wise friend sent me this text yesterday. We'd been chatting about our children who have quirks that are challenging us and growing us. As I caught the gorgeous rising of the sun this morning, I heard a voice quietly tell me that the end result will be magnificent. The sun doesn't rise with a snap of a finger. Slowly, over time we witness it's changing beauty."
She continues, "And so it will be with my child. So it is with every single quirk we encounter in life. So often I want the end result to be immediate. To be free from the frustration, exhaustion and overwhelm. But with each passing day, more beauty is being added. How lucky are we to witness beauty as it's being created?"

This seemed to fit with my scripture study early this morning as I read. Someone suggested reading a chapter each day of Luke as he wrote 24 chapters, and one a day in December will end Christmas Eve, and I will have the beautiful window into Christ's earthly life and ministry. It has been remarkable to read Luke again this time! Today Luke talked about the parable of the sower (Chapter 8 because today is December 8th) he explains what each of the seeds represent but it was the good seeds that really hit me today. Luke 8:15.
"But that on the good ground are they, which in an honest and good heart, having heard the word, keep it and bring forth fruit with patience."

 Then I went to my Book of Mormon and read 1 Nephi 14:14.
"And it came to pass that I Nephi, beheld the power of the Lamb of God, that it descended upon the saints of the church of the Lamb, and upon the covenant people, who were scattered upon all the face of the earth; and they were armed with righteousness and with the power of God in great glory." (Italics added on both scriptures)

Audra's remarkable sunrise message that the end result will be magnificent, combined with these specific scriptures this morning for me also reminds me that we are each armed with power from Jesus Christ to keep His good words, in any way they come to each of us individually, and that as His covenant people, in righteousness- we will bring forth fruit with patience. That patience is what is hard for me. Like Audra, I want to see results immediately! However I have learned that as I wait patiently on the Lord and have faith in His divine timing, the end result is magnificent! And these promises that I can, through my obedience in staying firmly on His covenant path, have His power daily in my life, are what makes my life have meaning, purpose and allow me to slowly see the magnificence I am promised, seep gently into my life.

This week I had a glimpse of a portion of His magnificence when I went to the Temple. The experience has been very much on my mind and is sinking deep into my heart. Sacred experiences always give me pause when faced with sharing them, however I think this is what has driven me to write this morning.

I have been nearly consumed with my upcoming return to work. My shoulder is still healing and I have been worried I am returning too early, if I do what the Short Term Disability folks are telling me. Always aware of our finances, this situation had me running around in circles in my head. Finally Wednesday morning as I began to prepare for my Temple shift I felt the strong impression to do an initiatory session first. 
So I did. 
Then I followed another impression to go to the Celestial room. 
So I did. 

I felt led to a couch there instead of a single chair, I remember thinking that was an odd choice as I was alone. Well not for long! I began admiring the beautiful chandelier, and then the windows, as I sought for peace, and to get into the right mindset to pray. Suddenly I felt someone join me on the couch. I think my spirit realized instantly who it was, but my mind was struggling to accept it. Then the Savior quietly said to me, "Take the money out of the equation." So I did. And then I saw the path before me open up to my answer. It was remarkable because while I couldn't actually describe what physical things were physically moving out of the way...the path to my answer was cleared before my eyes. It's difficult to explain the way it looked to me, yet the end result, my answer, was crystal clear. I paused a moment to absorb all of this remarkable experience. He waited patiently and quietly for me to catch up. Then I started to think how undeserving I felt of this moment as I had only recently restarted my daily devotionals again since being away helping Dani with Declan...but I didn't get very far in that thought when He gently replied, "Please don't say that, you are always deserving and I am always here for you. I love you." And just like that He was gone. And I got the distinct impression that there were others He needed to be with. My next thought was, well it is His house after-all, why wouldn't He be serving here too! 

Yes then I actually looked at the couch cushion next to mine...it was empty, as I knew it would be. I sat there and soaked up this experience, but quickly felt I didn't need to stay. As I walked quietly from the room I realized that I had only been inside for less than 5 minutes. It's like He was waiting for me and I felt a sense of excitement from Him as He sat down, and that surprised me a little. Later as I have reflected on this whole experience it was such a powerful reminder that our Savior is always close by. He is always willing and ready to help.  He was excited because I had come for His help, and He knew He could give me the guidance I was needing so desperately. It seemed almost effortless on His part, after-all does He not promise us all good gifts? Does He not stand at the door and knock? 

Yes His perfect timing in all things still makes the end result magnificent.

And now as my Sabbath is beginning here in Utah, I am a little jealous of Audra's sunrise in North Carolina, because while the sky outside is slowly turning to day...there will be no chance the sun will show itself as the mountains are shrouded in clouds...at least they hide the snow I know is there, so there's that....So today I glory in my Jesus. Today I will show covenant purpose and patience. And I will wait upon the Lord for my own magnificent end results.

Is there no end to leaves?

Fall is a very busy and trying time for us. With 44 mature trees, whose leafy shade is heralded by all at the peak of summer, we are nearly overwhelmed as they shake loose their leaves and fall. Everywhere. Leaves. Leaves, and more leaves! While I have been with Dani & Declan, Clark has been trying to keep up alone. Bryce is working full-time at Go Health in Lindon. This is their busy season as open enrollment goes through the first week of December. He's worked as many as 14 hours on some days but is totally nailing it and loving it! We are so proud as we watch him adult stone cold sober! He's amazing! But not available for yard work 😩

So with the rain forecasted for today we had to act quickly. I left Dani & Declan and dragged out the blower. Clark was stuck at work and sunset was at 5!

We had been issued a challenge on Sunday to take D&C 6:36 to heart...but with a twist...
 "Look unto me in every thought, doubt not, fear not" So at first glance it appears we are being challenged to  look to Him, without fear or doubts...however what if this follows the Book of Mormon pattern of "If...then"? So reading it again what IF I look to Him in every thought THEN I'll be blessed that I'll not doubt or be fearful. WOW! So I'd been trying this exercise in little ways and marveled at what was happening.

So back to my leaf blowing...it's pretty noisy  so I quickly discovered I was in a bubble  of noise, rendering any distractions mute. I again turned my thoughts to Him. I explained I needed whatever miracle He would bless me with because it would be absolutely impossible to complete the task before  me alone. So I gave Him a few suggestions, I have family in the other side of the veil, strong children, eager grandchildren, grateful ancestors...I was not opposed to their help. I knew it might mess things up a bit for others, if He lengthened out the day....so maybe bless my eyes to see in the gathering dark. I needed strength beyond my own as my shoulder is still healing. Maybe the blower could be stronger than normal... It may sound strange these suggestions but I realized that I had no  fear or doubt in laying out my plan to Him!
And then I went to work in a race against the sun. I did  my best and when sunset came and went and I was still in my blessed bubble, the leaves seemed endless and oh how I wanted to quit!!! No one would have faulted me, but in the past repeatedly I never quit when others expected it, why was now any different?
At 5 when Clark arrived home, I was still blowing those dang leaves! He started on the other side of our yard, I could still clearly see my leaves at 6:30, until I watched that last curled, dry leaf blow onto the pile to ends its life.
I turned around and realized Clark couldn't 'sweep' the leaves from the gravel path it too had to be blown. I began to blow and realized in the gathering dark I could still see enough to know I was moving the leaves in the right direction.
At 7:30 we both went inside and it was then that Clark realized I'd been blowing for three hours!!

At 6 am I heard the rain on my tin roof and smiled! As the rain has continued to fall gently most of the day I have felt to look unto Him in every thought of soul drenching gratitude. As the sun rose this morning I looked out on my back yard and realized what a sacred place it is now.
God lives He hears and answers every prayer. And as He does my fears and doubts flee, just as He promised.

So I   have finished the book and after several emails and phone calls I was formally invited to submit my manuscript to Covenant. I was excited but slowly let my faith trample my fear. My friend reminded me of the challenge. So I hit the button this morning and off it went! Shortly thereafter I got another phone call from the Acquisition Agent telling me he was very impressed and had already given it to an editor.He was told by the editor they were ahead of schedule and should have an answer by Friday or possibly Monday. I was pleasantly surprised. My day got busy with the grandkids but a couple of hours later I got another call..."Sharon, the editor just told me we can't accept your manuscript, remember I told you we are Christian publishers? Well we can't publish anything from a Mormon."
He went on to recommended another Publisher...I was stunned and very confused. He got off the call immediately and hasn't answered my followup email.
First I slowly realized I had submitted to Covenant Publishing, not Covenant Communications!!
Second I realized he appeared to be under the delusion that Mormons were not Christians!!
Then my Mama Bear came out and I really wanted to set him straight about just who we worshipped, The Living Christ, the author and finisher of my faith!! And the best yard work helper EVER!

Later in the day after I had laid my pride aside for making such a mistake, I mused in silent prayer why the Lord, who has directed this whole journey -allowed this deviation to take place. He quietly answered, "They needed the book for themselves, it was the only way they'd read it."

As I am writing tonight, I'm also rocking my sleeping sweet Declan for Dani and I marvel at what I have experienced since I heard and accepted the challenge. I also see sacred places in my everyday journey  that remind me of His miracles in my life. And I am reminded again, as Elder Bona taught me from Italy..."God's Plan is always working." And when I surrender my heart to Him, He never disappoints. So I am soaking up the sweet serenity of snuggles with my darling Declan seeing  his very existence as a gift from God!

...and then comes Joy...

As my daughter Danielle approached her 37th week of pregnancy, she
developed Cholestatis, where the liver fails to filter the bile from the blood. It can cause stillborn babies, so they induced her within days of the discovery.

Earlier in her pregnancy when she had said she didn't really want another October birthday in our family, she'd prefer he'd come November first, I was worried. She is very small boned and I knew this little guy was already good-sized, if she went over her due date (10/27) it would be unlikely in my opinion that she would be able to deliver him. In fact as we had a dinner out with them, the day before she would tell me about her suspicions of the Cholecystitis, we had each offered our guesses as to his birth weight. Six days later we discovered I was the closest...it's a Mommy thing. This dinner was so they could tell Clark little Mr Man would carry Clark as his middle name! Clark was thrilled of course. Dani told us it was Paul's idea from the beginning of the pregnancy.

By Friday she got the test results. A normal range is 1-10 she came in at 75! Her physician said "So baby Monday or Tuesday?" Since obviously this little guy would not have his own Birthday month, she said let's have him on my nephew Tayden's birthday...we'll go for Monday! Tayden was off-the-charts excited! If possible- even more excited, than he was at the gender reveal. He was so upset that the majority of us were guessing a girl, he thought that if more of us guessed a girl then it would dictate the gender. When the blue confetti filled the air from my cannon, Taydie went screaming round and round in circles "IT'S A BOY!! IT'S A BOY!!" So now for Dani to deliver this BOY on Tayden's birthday...well it didn't get much better than that! Only a few more sleeps til they meet!

As we reviewed her lists of things we had planned to do leisurely in her last three weeks before the newest little Mr Skinner arrived, suddenly all priorities changed. With laser-like focus we got the nursery ready, installed the car-seat, and bought the remaining items necessary. She chose his coming home outfit and packed her bags. GAME ON.

Simultaneously I packed my bags and made the necessary arrangements to move into her home for the foreseeable future. Her two step-sons at 11 & 13 years old, were not really sure how this littlest brother thing would turn out... 
On Sunday night she was being admitted to begin the induction process. When I arrived at her home in Bluffdale the boys were down stairs, unaware I had arrived, Dani & Paul were on their way back to their house after getting another steroid shot for Mr Man's lungs, so I began carrying in my things to my upstairs rooms. Going back for my second load, I descended their stairs, which are broken up by a landing halfway down. As my toes touched the landing, I stopped because I could feel his presence there. He said to me, " I am ready, and I will do my part." Although I didn't know his name at that time, I knew my grandson's spirit. The warmth of the Holy Ghost washed over me, testifying of the truth of this sacred moment. I smiled and thought, I too, am ready and will do my part. 

That night I prayed that we would have angels to support us all in this sacred experience.
All our best-laid plans went out the window, as her body responded almost immediately, going into labor before anyone really realized. All she knew was this was a ton of pain, way sooner than anyone had intimated.
After I arrived to be with her during the birth, and she progressed quickly. Then the end was insight, and on more than one occasion I could feel those Angels I had prayed for, including Dani's older sister Sara. A 'sunrise' baby. One of two miscarriages before Cassidy was born.
In reflection I marveled again just how thin the veil is at times, and how eager family is to support family.
They told us at three weeks early our little Mr Man would likely have breathing issues, and the Respiratory Therapist and nurses from Emergency Medicine quietly began preparations in her room. I asked how we would know he was ok ? The answer, "If he cries, he's good" 
Not long after that my amazing daughter gave birth to her first little Mr Man at 4:04 pm He weighed in at 7 lbs 8 ozs and screamed with gusto! I quickly moved from delivery helper to photographer, capturing those first moments of Mom & Dad finally meeting him. In that tender moment, I recognized the great blessings, tender mercies, major miracles, and the gentle presence of so many family members from the other side of the veil rejoicing in his arrival.  Seeing the pure joy on their faces, I set all other roles aside and quietly had my own tear-filled and tender Mom & Nanny moment. The recently heard remark "Our trials and afflictions can make space for greater joy." came to my mind. Oh what joy I was seeing and feeling there!

Declan Clark Skinner had arrived! He was perfect in every way, with no problems, and never did look like a premature newborn! His chubby cheeks and the ton of golden strawberry-blonde hair drew ooh's and aah's from all who saw him. One nurse told us "When a baby makes other nurses stop in the halls, you know he is cute...we see babies all day every day"
We laughed when his Audiologist asked if she could part his hair over his ear for her equipment! I commented "You probably don't ask that question too often."
Declan was alert, and knew His Mommy immediately, and screamed whenever he was taken away from her. By day two he knew his Dad, and watched him intently. I have never seen anything like it! 

And so life began with our darling Declan. I quickly observed that whenever I held him, his eyes would be pulled toward the ceiling. Not uncommon in newborns. I had always quietly felt babies were seeing their family there from this new perspective. However this time with Declan was different. I watched those beautiful blue eyes tracking the movements of others I could not see. It happened every time I held him for the first two weeks. I finally told Dani he was watching his sisters. I think he has twin sisters who are waiting to come down! Towards the end of last week he finally looked into my eyes and I knew the veil, thin as it is, had been closed.

During the weeks and months prior to this blessed event I had felt such a sense of urgency to complete the Book. So I have been working hard on this in & around two hand surgeries, a Stake Girls Camp, and then the other shoulder surgery. I have been greatly blessed physically to accomplish this divine mission. Although the pain has been my constant companion, I have felt sustained and blessed beyond measure. And then this was given to me, and it feels applicable to share here. It's in my chapter "The Power of Joy"
‘Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”

And so it is! Joy fills our lives, even when this old Nanny nearly falls asleep with the fussy Declan in her arms, or I stumble through the dark as Declan screams for his Mom and his next meal, or when I get ridiculously excited to see Lover after a week (or two or three) away from him. Joy! It's everywhere when I look for it! May we each find our Joy, even as we endure hard things, the promise of Joy to come will sustain us!

Suicide Prevention Week

Suicide prevention week. I have been asked why I am writing a book about our experience with Bryce's suicide attempt. Well, first and foremost because The Lord asked me to. Coming in a very close second is that I hold out the hope that it may help someone to either change their own course of action, or that they may be able to better understand the role mental health plays in this very sad decision, suicide. Far too often there are so many unanswered questions, and feelings of guilt in those left behind. I believe we have been able to get a rare glimpse inside the chaotic darkness of a mind who honestly believes suicide is the only unexplored pathway out of their constant aching pain. And so share I must, to break the silence, the stigma and the shame.

I also believe that we all must work to remove the negative stigma of mental health conditions, and suicide itself. I believe we can all do a better job of being kind to others. Whether we know their pain or not. Aren't we all completely shocked when someone takes their life? Is that feeling not proof enough that we rarely understand another's pain? But the beautiful truth is we do not need to know their pain, we just need to love them. We need to be that one person who isn't afraid of the uglies in other's lives. We need to each be that person that is known, and counted on, to look them in the eye with love, not censure and petty judgement. Sometimes we need to be the one to follow our heart and be unafraid to ask the hard questions, "Are you thinking about harming yourself?" "What can I do to ease your pain?" And then be prepared to hold on tight and not run from whatever answer we are given. Hard as it may be, STAY PRESENT with them! And if necessary stay until more help can arrive. 

The cold hard truth of the matter is that these preventive steps need to be taken early, consistently, and as often as necessary for prevention to be a real reality. As Elder Rasband asked our CES leaders, Seminary & Institute teachers, to be 'First Responders', so too must we. Be that friend, parent, teacher, or leader who is living close to the Spirit and obeying promptings. Be that one noticing others who are withdrawing or isolating, and go be with them. We can each truly make a difference! 

I'll never forget the day my sweet friends Jesse, Blaine and I were sharing our concerns about our sons, she had very recently lost her Spencer, and I was struggling with something Bryce was doing and Jesse quietly said, "I wish I had that problem." What a powerful moment that was, and it's impact on my heart & soul will forever be felt. Her fear of loss had been replaced by in-calculable pain at separation from her wonderful son. 

I am so grateful that we have been able to transition quietly into removing the shame in our conversations with Bryce, and others, about tough stuff. I hope everyone knows I can be counted on to talk about the uglies. So is Bryce, interestingly enough. And having gone down that path and survived- he has taught us so much. Even though suicide lingers on the edge of his mind still, he is learning how to handle that more effectively by sharing. And we can only hope and pray for his future. 

So in this week of prevention my prayer is that each of us can cast aside our fear of conversations about the uglies we all live with daily in mortality. I pray that we each can take on the role of 'First Responders' and let our heart lead us to our own personal power to love others wherever they may be on life's path, including those who have lost someone they love. We all need each other, every day. And I believe hearts, and minds will heal, as we offer pure love to our fellow-travelers here. 

Jello Jiggler Scraps Anyone?

I feel like I am pretty good about obeying the Spirit. I remember the one piece of advice my Mum gave me as I went off to college was, "When you are feeling down, do something for someone else." That counsel was etched on my heart after the first week of school. We had a friend living in Rexburg who cared for her elderly mother, and I knew her sweet Mom was declining and as I struggled with feeling a bit out of sorts on that Saturday night...my Mum's words floated into my mind. Then I began to argue with the Spirit...it was dark, I'd have to walk there alone, I'll go tomorrow. You can probably guess the outcome of this experience by now. Yes, the following morning my friend called to tell me her Mother had passed away in the early hours that morning. I was upset and vowed I would always do the Lord's bidding from then on. Even the errands He sends me on that seem very odd. Like the time I was making Jello Jigglers for a Stake Primary Activity, and the Spirit said take the scraps to Jenny...Yes that gave me pause as I thought what in the world will Jenny think? However He was pretty insistent, so I covered the pile of 'edges' with plastic wrap and dropped them off at her door with an "I love you." note on top. Later that day when she came home from work she called me in tears. "I just had the worst day at work, how did you know I love Jello Jigglers scraps?" You see I didn't know that about her. But God did! I have many stories of being led to do something for someone else. I have been true to my vow, with very few exceptions. 

Friday found Bryce and I in yet another courtroom, as he is diligently cleaning up his past messes. As is usual with these court hearings, we'd been waiting for his turn for over an hour. Then the judge called up this lady, who looked well put-together, dressed and spoke nicely, and stood out from the parade of folks we'd already witnessed. Then she had our undivided attention as she seemed determined to plead guilty of discharging a firearm in her home. The story began to unfold piece by painful piece, when the judge said, "Why did you do it?" She answered, "I was trying to take my life." Tears filled my eyes as she continued, and I had to put my hand over my mouth to stifle the sob that was trying to escape. She finally told him she had lost 7 people close to her in a two-month period of time and the pain to go on was just insurmountable. By now my tears were coursing down my cheeks as I struggled to breathe. She went on confidently advising the Judge she had gone into counseling, and really wanted to just get this behind her, as she was in such a better place now. We watched with respect as the Judge did the best he could for her. I leaned over to Bryce and said, "Be ready I am going to hug that woman when she's done." He quickly replied, "Oh good I was trying to figure out how to do that without freaking the Judge out."

I stood as she left the stand and said, "Can I give you a hug?" Though she was very surprised she seemed to fall into my outstretched arms. While I held her I said, "That was very brave and I am so glad you stayed. Please stay, you are loved and needed, don't leave." And then I stepped back as the Judge called Bryce up. I however couldn't stop crying, all through his hearing, through the paperwork to clear the warrant, and into the parking lot. I finally hugged him and quietly said, "I am glad you were here for your court hearing today, and that you are alive."
It was one of those moments when what-could-have-been screams at me in the face. 

I doubt I will ever see her again, and she doesn't know who I am or why I did that, but God does. God knew what she needed to hear and feel that day in the courtroom. And He knew I would do as He asked. So she could feel His love in whatever measure He knew she would feel it. WOW! I am not sure on this journey of healing and recovery if I will ever be able to erase that experience from my heart. 

I remember my sweet friend Claire, telling me once that if she could have one Gift of the Spirit, that she could choose, it would be to be able to say the words Heavenly Father wanted her to say to someone about how much He loves that person. I think she already has that gift, because she often brings Heavenly Father's love to me through her words.

Today was no exception, and a much needed boost of confidence when she text me. She said, " I finished reading your book today! I loved it. I believe you offer different avenues of hope when struggling through adversity. Each section offers examples of how I can reach out to my Heavenly Father to look for comfort and peace. I feel like there are many emotions of which you speak that will resonate with many. Although no one will experience the exact trial of which you write many many many brothers and sisters will experience the same depth of sorrow, grief, loneliness, hope, charity, and Christlike love. I love you friend. What an honor to read your sacred work."

I find often my fears are battling with my faith as I write the book, coupled with my physical issues with my shoulder, I was in desperate need of love and support to keep pushing on through this process. Claire was my sweet support today. You see, God knew exactly what I needed, even while I may have not been able to articulate it to Him. And in His infinite mercy and unfailing love, He placed Claire in my world, to be there for me today. There are angels among us, on both sides of the veil. And while I may be one for someone, He sends them to me when I need it most.

Love, hope and peace...in the fire.

I know I need to write today, I am struggling to complete the book I am writing, and that fight between fear and faith has kept me somewhat silent. So as I sit to write I look out over my yard, the trees are full and green, my lawn is covered in fascinating dappled patterns, as the sun shines through the thousands of leaves.The sky is a summer blue, promising plenty of heat later. The birds are chirping, and it all feels peaceful. I take a deep breath and let it out, slowly willing my heart and mind to relax. 

Suddenly the all-too familiar faint thump of the coming helicopter shatter the silence. Louder and louder the rotor blades whir, whipping the air as it passes right over my house. My heart races and tears filled my eyes as I say a silent prayer for whoever is in the helicopter, and especially for those left on the ground. I am not sure why some of these helicopter passes hit my wounded heart more than others. Today it was hard to hear. Last week at lunch with my friend, Judi, we watched three ambulances with lights and sirens pass us, and my tears fell quickly. Maybe it's the re-living as I commit those painful memories of this last year with Bryce, to the printed page, that has me feeling so raw. Maybe it's the anguish I feel as I hear of others in their heartache, trying to stop their personal pain by attempting to take their lives. Urgency that what I have been called to share may somehow ease someone's pain in some way.

In studying the words of Paul in his letter to the Corinthian saints, I think I am relating to what I see as his great desire to love others, as he brings them to Christ. He mirrors what I also know- that we are each given temptations-which the footnotes broaden to test, try, prove- that in our suffering we will come to Christ. And that through our suffering we can later empathize more fully with others, love more deeply, and seek to ease the burdens of others also struggling with their own trials. My brother-in-law Ed suddenly lost his wife a few years ago and shortly thereafter he penned a poignant piece about his being broken not to pieces, but to PEACE. I still am moved to tears each time I read it. When I asked permission to share it as I was teaching, his simple reply was "I knew it was never for me alone." I have thought on his powerful example so often as I have bared my soul during Bryce's crisis, and like Ed I know this experience is not just for me.

Paul teaches we are all members of the body of Christ, and in this community together we are blessed with all the gifts of the Spirit. And we know that these gifts of the Spirit are for the express purpose of blessing others lives. However I also know I can't fix someone else, Bryce included, but I can participate in their healing. I can't fix Bryce but I can be an instrument in Christ's hand to help heal Bryce's pain, to lead him back to Christ, so Christ the Master Healer can do what no one else can do for Bryce-apply His Atonement!

Paul also confirms "God will not suffer you to be tempted (tried, tested or proven) above that ye are able....but with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." (1Cor 10:13 Italics added) If God wasn't going to give us something more than we can handle...why would we need a Savior? 

The reminder weekly as we are offered His Sacrament, that He did drink the bitter cup before Him, and that cup is now turned into our blessing. So in my suffering I am walking a path, in a very small measure- similar, to Christ, and that is why when I have done all I can do myself, He steps in, carrying me, thus making a way possible for me to escape. My responsibility to always keep my covenants goes beyond just the blessings they bring me, but also increases my ability, after walking through my own fires, to reach out and lift others, and help them come to Christ. If I am to minister in Holy ways then I must live the things of the Temple. Mary Ellen Edmunds , my MTC Director years ago, once said, "In times of tribulation, hopefully a covenant person is within reach." I want to be that covenant person, living my covenants daily, so I am within reach of those around me who may be suffering. 

As I reflect on those I reached for after Bryce's attempt...my covenant-keeping husband, my children (who loved in the most Christ-like manner) my ministering brother, Gary, and my ministering sisters Claire & Heidi. And others who I knew were keeping their covenants, and therefore when I reached out they responded with love. Love is the motivation power behind every Spiritual gift, and every compassionate act. I am bankrupt without love. All these gifts bind our hearts to Christ.

Ultimately Christ's suffering taught Him how to understand my suffering, and my suffering gives me empathy for another's suffering. Charity is coming out of a really hard thing knowing I am going to understand someone else better, I am going to be able to love others more. This cycle of learning ultimately makes me more Christlike. His suffering made Him more able to love me more or better. I think I can hear Him explain, "As I bring you through this, you will be able to bring others through their trials." This then is the very essence of why we can have hope, and peace while we are still standing in the flames, or ashes of our trials. 

Sweet are the gifts come from God.

These last couple of weeks we've had almost daily improvements in Bryce. He apparently meant it when he said that last time was really his rock bottom. He has been so helpful caring for me after each of my surgeries. He's cleaned cooked and done whatever I needed to have done. And after he decided to start living again Clark talked to him about the blessings of weekly taking the sacrament, and that how no one was required to be perfect to partake, in reality that is exactly why we take the Sacrament weekly, to assist us to be better  and to repent as we go. So he has been to church and taken the Sacrament two weeks in a row and we have watched in humble amazement as the windows of Heaven have opened and blessed all of us! 
And today he was offered not one but two jobs at Vivint right here in Lindon. He chose the one he thought would be more enjoyable and felt right to him. HE HAS A FULL TIME JOB! 
Words to express my gratitude escape me temporarily. He is so excited and grateful and was moved to tears  as he offered his thanks to his Father in Heaven just now when we got home. 
Oh how sweet to see the power of prayer, the power of obediently keeping covenants, the power of holding fast to hope, and the power of turning away from Satan's attempts to destroy him! Today, Bryce is victorious! Not today Satan...not today!!!

I wish I had the ability to have each of you know how often your prayers and love  have sustained us all! I know Bryce's journey to happiness isn't over but we are one enormous step closer today. Isn't that the gift a new day brings? One with no mistakes, no leftovers from yesterday, one to make good or better choices than yesterday? 

This morning I was studying Paul in Romans and he talks about the age-old story of Abraham and Sarah. And how Abraham was promised seed too great to number like the sands of the sea....now y'all know I'm all in when it comes to beach references right? Well back to Abraham's promise, unfortunately Sarah was barren! So to them it seemed inconceivable to see things change. However, similar to Job, Abraham (Roman's 4:18-22) who against hope -believed in hope, and being not weak in faith, he staggered not at the promise of God. He instead gave glory to God and was himself fully persuaded that what God had promised God was able to perform!  And of course we know what happened in the Lord's time...well we wouldn't be here if God didn't keep His promises! 

But that's just it...God always keeps His promises! As Elder Bona taught me so beautifully at the conclusion of his mission to Italy last month "God's plan is ALWAYS working, even if we don't know just yet!" His timing is impeccable and His will is always being done. So then I began to think of some of His promises to me. Like Eternal Life. True and lasting joy. Promises about reclaiming my children for eternity. So while this will sound simplistic bear with me for a minute. If I do my part His promises are sure! 

And then He's given me grace, the ultimate power to access His Atonement, enabling me to  repent and return to Him. It's our secret weapon! And as I live up to my covenants with Him, every blessing He's promised will be mine. He cannot lie! 

So I will follow Paul, Abraham and Job's example and I will, against hope believe in hope, 
I will be not weak in faith, I will stagger not at the wonderful promises God has promised because I too will be persuaded if He's promised them - He will  perform! And I will live in Thanksgiving daily. God  is good!