Each evening I find myself furtively glancing at the clock more frequently, slowly the hands move towards the inevitable, it's time. I gather my things and move slowly towards the stairs.
The inner battle begins.
One stair at a time.
There is such reluctance to take the next step, as the war rages, gaining intensity within. Fear raises it's ugly head, and I reach for faith, for hope, unsure who will be the victor this night. As I cross the threshold of our bedroom, I take in the furnishings, looking everywhere but the bed. Unable to delay any longer I cross the room, and fall to my knees at my bedside. I plead for strength to face the demons that have become, ironically again, my companions through the night.
My personal sanctuary has been shattered once again. It has taken years, a lot of counseling with divine intervention, and the complete, eternal love and steadying sustaining support of Lover to overcome my childhood filled with sexual abuse, when the nighttime hours of horror was my normal.
And now a different kind of terror plagues the darkest hours of some days.I never know when it will strike, nor what the outcome will be. And for me, control freak that I am, is tough to take. So each night the struggle to allow faith, to overpower fear is real. I reach for the Lord's hand, dig deep to feel the power of prayers from those who know, and slowly rise from my knees and climb into bed.
Beginning January 30th I was awoken from a deep sleep by the sensation of pins & needles all over my body. My brain was so scrambled the only thought I could hold onto was that something was really wrong. I couldn't make out the numbers on my bed-side clock, my vision was so bad. I attempted to get out of bed and stumbled into the wall, unable to stand I fell back on the bed. I was terrified.
Over the last 24 days other symptoms have been part of these too-familiar episodes, brilliant exploding lights in my head, inability to speak and be understood, even severe chest and back pain. Perhaps the worst was the temporary but total paralysis. Unable to move any part of my body, including my mouth, I lay there thinking Clark would find me dead in the morning. Eventually it passed.
With two frantic trips to the ER, countless tests and Doctor visits, gradually we are ruling out possible causes. I have ached to write, but hesitated because maybe somehow doing so would make this nightmare more real. And, I had initially hoped these episodes would turn out to be isolated experiences. Unfortunately that has not been the case.
While there are still no clear answers, it has also been a journey of faith. Step by step the Lord has cleared the path to Doctors, specialists and test availability, towards a resolution. I have been reminded again, of the power of specific prayer, and the miracle of seeing the resulting answers to those specific prayer. I am humbled by the outpouring love of those who know about these episodes and who love me. And those who don't know and have reached out because they have followed the spirit, in their hearts and minds, to express their love by an unexpected visit, bringing flowers (which is my favorite thing ever!) a loving text, a message, a hug or call, or telling me they are praying for me.
I think the hardest thing emotionally for me is recognizing the reality of not knowing what any night will bring.
I woke last night again with the tingling sensation beginning and unbidden I heard myself say, "No, no, no. no. Please no." The last several episodes have not introduced any new symptoms, and have resolved themselves more quickly, without the usual escalation. I am not sure what that even means, if anything at all.
And while the fear-faith battle continues, I have also felt such peace in this storm. Clark & Gary gave me a blessing last Sunday, and Heavenly Father- through Clark, promised me, peace, hope and joy! I love the power behind those feelings! I marvel at the gift of joy, especially in the mists of darkness that are present in my daily life right now. I have had joy. I do have faith. Peace is present more often than not, and I cling to hope every day. How important it is for me to recognize these gifts every day!
So while I still struggle briefly at the beginning of each bedtime hour, as I invite the Lord in, I am strengthened to face the darkness. I often reflect on my blessings. I recall the millions of times The Lord has guided my life, and I know He is The Captain of my Soul, The Master of my destiny, The Source of my joy, and the Giver of good gifts. He does lift me up, He does strengthen me. And in the words of my all-time favorite song by Nik Day,
He gives us hope
When hope is gone
He gives us strength
When we can't go on
He gives us shelter
In the storms of life
When there's no peace on earth
There is peace in Christ.
And now as the shadows begin to flee before the rising sun, so do my fears. God is in His Heaven and alls right with the world...for this sacred moment. And I again fall to my knees in gratitude. Elder Brian Bona taught me a lesson I will never forget, despite all we believe or imagine or think, "God's plan is always working." To the degree I see it depends on my willingness to surrender to Him. That's the entire purpose of this mortal experience- surrendering my will to His, and participating in the unveiling of His Perfect Plan for me.
Saturday, February 22, 2020
Thursday, January 23, 2020
His stillness after the storm.
This morning I dropped to my knees feeling the need to have Heaven's help as today I was to take the assessments at Jetblue that were required before I can return to work. After being on a medical leave for 7 months, the closer this day came, the more my anxiety went up. So much had changed with my job since I had been gone. And while some part of my brain knew I would be fine, there was another part that was tirelessly taunting me with these changes, and had started me second-guessing myself.
I began my prayer and no sooner were the words forming in my head, than I suddenly found myself in awe of the lack of anxiety. There was an almost eerie silence, stunned at what I was experiencing, I couldn't even continue to pray. I stayed very still. I wasn't imagining this abrupt change. There was just nothing I felt stressed about. I completed my prayer and slowly got to my feet. I quietly gathered my things, offering another quick request, if there's anything I will need, that I haven't set out, please tell me before I leave the house. Silence.
No anxiety. No racing thoughts. Just gentle quietness. I started down the stairs to the garage, and I thought to myself, "Well it's just me and what's in my head and my heart then."
As I began to drive up to the center in Salt Lake City, I began to think, I wonder if this is what it will be like when I die, and cross over through the veil. I can't take anything with me, except what is in my head and my heart. I won't have my scriptures all marked up for easier recall, I won't have my journals to look back on, I won't have my scrapbooks, or social media reserves of family & friends photos documenting all the delightful experiences of my mortal life. All I get to take is my learning in my head, and the testimony & love in my heart.
Have I allowed the Lord to write His love in my heart? Have I learned all that I had opportunity to learn, both secular and spiritual? Has my heart been changed by the love I have for others, including my family? What was I going to take home to Father & Mother, when I leave this frail existence? It was a sobering thought, to say the least. Am I becoming all They intended for me to become?
In my Stake calling I have begun to memorize the new Young Women Theme.
I am a beloved daughter of Heavenly parents
with a divine nature and eternal destiny.
As a disciple of Jesus Christ
I strive to become like Him.
I seek and act upon personal revelation
and serve others in His holy name.
This is as far as I have gotten up until today. Those are some powerful truths and responsibilities! As I continue to see the young women of our stake stand taller to accept these sacred promises, I am amazed at their strength and willingness to be obedient, and follow the Prophet! What an inspiration and example they are to me!
As I attempt to internalize these gifts I am so grateful for all I am learning, and feeling.
I am coming closer to Christ as I study His words in the Book of Mormon. I used to joke that someone must have edited that wonderful book, because it seemed every time I read it again, I found new truths! Well if I thought editing had happened before...NOW it's like instead of the equivalent of a candle's limited light shining on my text, this year it's like a football field's worth of lights is flooding every page! I love it! God is good!
Yes God is good, and He supported me through to success with my assessments today!
And now as this day comes to a close, I will kneel again, this time to thank Him for answering the prayers of my family and myself. And then I will record the witness of His hand in my life today. He is indeed so good.
I began my prayer and no sooner were the words forming in my head, than I suddenly found myself in awe of the lack of anxiety. There was an almost eerie silence, stunned at what I was experiencing, I couldn't even continue to pray. I stayed very still. I wasn't imagining this abrupt change. There was just nothing I felt stressed about. I completed my prayer and slowly got to my feet. I quietly gathered my things, offering another quick request, if there's anything I will need, that I haven't set out, please tell me before I leave the house. Silence.
No anxiety. No racing thoughts. Just gentle quietness. I started down the stairs to the garage, and I thought to myself, "Well it's just me and what's in my head and my heart then."
As I began to drive up to the center in Salt Lake City, I began to think, I wonder if this is what it will be like when I die, and cross over through the veil. I can't take anything with me, except what is in my head and my heart. I won't have my scriptures all marked up for easier recall, I won't have my journals to look back on, I won't have my scrapbooks, or social media reserves of family & friends photos documenting all the delightful experiences of my mortal life. All I get to take is my learning in my head, and the testimony & love in my heart.
Have I allowed the Lord to write His love in my heart? Have I learned all that I had opportunity to learn, both secular and spiritual? Has my heart been changed by the love I have for others, including my family? What was I going to take home to Father & Mother, when I leave this frail existence? It was a sobering thought, to say the least. Am I becoming all They intended for me to become?
In my Stake calling I have begun to memorize the new Young Women Theme.
I am a beloved daughter of Heavenly parents
with a divine nature and eternal destiny.
As a disciple of Jesus Christ
I strive to become like Him.
I seek and act upon personal revelation
and serve others in His holy name.
This is as far as I have gotten up until today. Those are some powerful truths and responsibilities! As I continue to see the young women of our stake stand taller to accept these sacred promises, I am amazed at their strength and willingness to be obedient, and follow the Prophet! What an inspiration and example they are to me!
As I attempt to internalize these gifts I am so grateful for all I am learning, and feeling.
I am coming closer to Christ as I study His words in the Book of Mormon. I used to joke that someone must have edited that wonderful book, because it seemed every time I read it again, I found new truths! Well if I thought editing had happened before...NOW it's like instead of the equivalent of a candle's limited light shining on my text, this year it's like a football field's worth of lights is flooding every page! I love it! God is good!
Yes God is good, and He supported me through to success with my assessments today!
And now as this day comes to a close, I will kneel again, this time to thank Him for answering the prayers of my family and myself. And then I will record the witness of His hand in my life today. He is indeed so good.
Saturday, January 4, 2020
Aussie Fires
My beloved homeland Australia is burning in the deadliest bush fires the country has ever known, and the official fire season has only just begun.
Australia today is ground zero for the climate catastrophe. It's glorious Great Barrier Reef is dying, rain forests are burning, kelp forests have largely vanished, numerous towns have run out of water, or are about to, and now the vast continent (roughly the same geographical size as North America) is burning on a scale never before seen. The fires have already burned upwards of 14.5 million acres. Some scientists estimate that close to half a billion native animals have been killed and the real possibility exists that some species of animals and plants may have been wiped out completely. At last known count 23 people have died, 1500 homes lost and 2500 buildings destroyed, but with fires reaching to the oceans and cutting off roads and highways, many are unaccounted for. Some regions of the country have recorded air quality measurements 20 times above the hazardous level!
And here I sit with snow as far as the eye can see. I am sure many others share my sense of helplessness as we watch and wait. I am grateful my friends and family are safe, as are all the missionaries serving there, for now.
But as I pondered what if anything I could do, this quote came to mind.
“Sometimes when we see or hear of a need, there is nothing we can do to help. Sometimes the only thing we can do is pray. But never underestimate the power of the prayers of the righteous.” Merilee Boyack
I would add, righteous or not-as-righteous, God hears each of our prayers. So please join with us in praying for a miracle. It is after all the only thing we can do from here. The Pacific Area Presidency announced a National January Fast, and I'd like to invite those who choose to, please remember Australia in your prayers and fasting this weekend especially.
So many of you have reached out telling me how heartbreaking this situation is and how much you too love Australia, from visits and family, we're all connected world-wide. Thank you all, may we each see the miracles God is doing daily in our lives, and may we all keep praying for the others we hold dear in our hearts.
Sunday, December 8, 2019
Standing strong in the fog.
I have been itching to write, but without something specific I have hesitated. Then just this morning my sweet friend Audra shared something that resonated with my heart, with her permission I will share.
One of her friends sent her this, "Our kids are great and amazing. They were sent to us because the Lord knew we would fight to protect them from the world."
Audra went on to say, "A wise friend sent me this text yesterday. We'd been chatting about our children who have quirks that are challenging us and growing us. As I caught the gorgeous rising of the sun this morning, I heard a voice quietly tell me that the end result will be magnificent. The sun doesn't rise with a snap of a finger. Slowly, over time we witness it's changing beauty."
She continues, "And so it will be with my child. So it is with every single quirk we encounter in life. So often I want the end result to be immediate. To be free from the frustration, exhaustion and overwhelm. But with each passing day, more beauty is being added. How lucky are we to witness beauty as it's being created?"
This seemed to fit with my scripture study early this morning as I read. Someone suggested reading a chapter each day of Luke as he wrote 24 chapters, and one a day in December will end Christmas Eve, and I will have the beautiful window into Christ's earthly life and ministry. It has been remarkable to read Luke again this time! Today Luke talked about the parable of the sower (Chapter 8 because today is December 8th) he explains what each of the seeds represent but it was the good seeds that really hit me today. Luke 8:15.
"But that on the good ground are they, which in an honest and good heart, having heard the word, keep it and bring forth fruit with patience."
Then I went to my Book of Mormon and read 1 Nephi 14:14.
"And it came to pass that I Nephi, beheld the power of the Lamb of God, that it descended upon the saints of the church of the Lamb, and upon the covenant people, who were scattered upon all the face of the earth; and they were armed with righteousness and with the power of God in great glory." (Italics added on both scriptures)
Audra's remarkable sunrise message that the end result will be magnificent, combined with these specific scriptures this morning for me also reminds me that we are each armed with power from Jesus Christ to keep His good words, in any way they come to each of us individually, and that as His covenant people, in righteousness- we will bring forth fruit with patience. That patience is what is hard for me. Like Audra, I want to see results immediately! However I have learned that as I wait patiently on the Lord and have faith in His divine timing, the end result is magnificent! And these promises that I can, through my obedience in staying firmly on His covenant path, have His power daily in my life, are what makes my life have meaning, purpose and allow me to slowly see the magnificence I am promised, seep gently into my life.
This week I had a glimpse of a portion of His magnificence when I went to the Temple. The experience has been very much on my mind and is sinking deep into my heart. Sacred experiences always give me pause when faced with sharing them, however I think this is what has driven me to write this morning.
I have been nearly consumed with my upcoming return to work. My shoulder is still healing and I have been worried I am returning too early, if I do what the Short Term Disability folks are telling me. Always aware of our finances, this situation had me running around in circles in my head. Finally Wednesday morning as I began to prepare for my Temple shift I felt the strong impression to do an initiatory session first.
So I did.
Then I followed another impression to go to the Celestial room.
So I did.
I felt led to a couch there instead of a single chair, I remember thinking that was an odd choice as I was alone. Well not for long! I began admiring the beautiful chandelier, and then the windows, as I sought for peace, and to get into the right mindset to pray. Suddenly I felt someone join me on the couch. I think my spirit realized instantly who it was, but my mind was struggling to accept it. Then the Savior quietly said to me, "Take the money out of the equation." So I did. And then I saw the path before me open up to my answer. It was remarkable because while I couldn't actually describe what physical things were physically moving out of the way...the path to my answer was cleared before my eyes. It's difficult to explain the way it looked to me, yet the end result, my answer, was crystal clear. I paused a moment to absorb all of this remarkable experience. He waited patiently and quietly for me to catch up. Then I started to think how undeserving I felt of this moment as I had only recently restarted my daily devotionals again since being away helping Dani with Declan...but I didn't get very far in that thought when He gently replied, "Please don't say that, you are always deserving and I am always here for you. I love you." And just like that He was gone. And I got the distinct impression that there were others He needed to be with. My next thought was, well it is His house after-all, why wouldn't He be serving here too!
Yes then I actually looked at the couch cushion next to mine...it was empty, as I knew it would be. I sat there and soaked up this experience, but quickly felt I didn't need to stay. As I walked quietly from the room I realized that I had only been inside for less than 5 minutes. It's like He was waiting for me and I felt a sense of excitement from Him as He sat down, and that surprised me a little. Later as I have reflected on this whole experience it was such a powerful reminder that our Savior is always close by. He is always willing and ready to help. He was excited because I had come for His help, and He knew He could give me the guidance I was needing so desperately. It seemed almost effortless on His part, after-all does He not promise us all good gifts? Does He not stand at the door and knock?
Yes His perfect timing in all things still makes the end result magnificent.
And now as my Sabbath is beginning here in Utah, I am a little jealous of Audra's sunrise in North Carolina, because while the sky outside is slowly turning to day...there will be no chance the sun will show itself as the mountains are shrouded in clouds...at least they hide the snow I know is there, so there's that....So today I glory in my Jesus. Today I will show covenant purpose and patience. And I will wait upon the Lord for my own magnificent end results.
Wednesday, November 20, 2019
Is there no end to leaves?
Fall is a very busy and trying time for us. With 44 mature trees, whose leafy shade is heralded by all at the peak of summer, we are nearly overwhelmed as they shake loose their leaves and fall. Everywhere. Leaves. Leaves, and more leaves! While I have been with Dani & Declan, Clark has been trying to keep up alone. Bryce is working full-time at Go Health in Lindon. This is their busy season as open enrollment goes through the first week of December. He's worked as many as 14 hours on some days but is totally nailing it and loving it! We are so proud as we watch him adult stone cold sober! He's amazing! But not available for yard work 😩
So with the rain forecasted for today we had to act quickly. I left Dani & Declan and dragged out the blower. Clark was stuck at work and sunset was at 5!
We had been issued a challenge on Sunday to take D&C 6:36 to heart...but with a twist...
"Look unto me in every thought, doubt not, fear not" So at first glance it appears we are being challenged to look to Him, without fear or doubts...however what if this follows the Book of Mormon pattern of "If...then"? So reading it again what IF I look to Him in every thought THEN I'll be blessed that I'll not doubt or be fearful. WOW! So I'd been trying this exercise in little ways and marveled at what was happening.
So back to my leaf blowing...it's pretty noisy so I quickly discovered I was in a bubble of noise, rendering any distractions mute. I again turned my thoughts to Him. I explained I needed whatever miracle He would bless me with because it would be absolutely impossible to complete the task before me alone. So I gave Him a few suggestions, I have family in the other side of the veil, strong children, eager grandchildren, grateful ancestors...I was not opposed to their help. I knew it might mess things up a bit for others, if He lengthened out the day....so maybe bless my eyes to see in the gathering dark. I needed strength beyond my own as my shoulder is still healing. Maybe the blower could be stronger than normal... It may sound strange these suggestions but I realized that I had no fear or doubt in laying out my plan to Him!
And then I went to work in a race against the sun. I did my best and when sunset came and went and I was still in my blessed bubble, the leaves seemed endless and oh how I wanted to quit!!! No one would have faulted me, but in the past repeatedly I never quit when others expected it, why was now any different?
At 5 when Clark arrived home, I was still blowing those dang leaves! He started on the other side of our yard, I could still clearly see my leaves at 6:30, until I watched that last curled, dry leaf blow onto the pile to ends its life.
I turned around and realized Clark couldn't 'sweep' the leaves from the gravel path it too had to be blown. I began to blow and realized in the gathering dark I could still see enough to know I was moving the leaves in the right direction.
At 7:30 we both went inside and it was then that Clark realized I'd been blowing for three hours!!
At 6 am I heard the rain on my tin roof and smiled! As the rain has continued to fall gently most of the day I have felt to look unto Him in every thought of soul drenching gratitude. As the sun rose this morning I looked out on my back yard and realized what a sacred place it is now.
God lives He hears and answers every prayer. And as He does my fears and doubts flee, just as He promised.
So I have finished the book and after several emails and phone calls I was formally invited to submit my manuscript to Covenant. I was excited but slowly let my faith trample my fear. My friend reminded me of the challenge. So I hit the button this morning and off it went! Shortly thereafter I got another phone call from the Acquisition Agent telling me he was very impressed and had already given it to an editor.He was told by the editor they were ahead of schedule and should have an answer by Friday or possibly Monday. I was pleasantly surprised. My day got busy with the grandkids but a couple of hours later I got another call..."Sharon, the editor just told me we can't accept your manuscript, remember I told you we are Christian publishers? Well we can't publish anything from a Mormon."
He went on to recommended another Publisher...I was stunned and very confused. He got off the call immediately and hasn't answered my followup email.
First I slowly realized I had submitted to Covenant Publishing, not Covenant Communications!!
Second I realized he appeared to be under the delusion that Mormons were not Christians!!
Then my Mama Bear came out and I really wanted to set him straight about just who we worshipped, The Living Christ, the author and finisher of my faith!! And the best yard work helper EVER!
Later in the day after I had laid my pride aside for making such a mistake, I mused in silent prayer why the Lord, who has directed this whole journey -allowed this deviation to take place. He quietly answered, "They needed the book for themselves, it was the only way they'd read it."
As I am writing tonight, I'm also rocking my sleeping sweet Declan for Dani and I marvel at what I have experienced since I heard and accepted the challenge. I also see sacred places in my everyday journey that remind me of His miracles in my life. And I am reminded again, as Elder Bona taught me from Italy..."God's Plan is always working." And when I surrender my heart to Him, He never disappoints. So I am soaking up the sweet serenity of snuggles with my darling Declan seeing his very existence as a gift from God!
So with the rain forecasted for today we had to act quickly. I left Dani & Declan and dragged out the blower. Clark was stuck at work and sunset was at 5!
We had been issued a challenge on Sunday to take D&C 6:36 to heart...but with a twist...
"Look unto me in every thought, doubt not, fear not" So at first glance it appears we are being challenged to look to Him, without fear or doubts...however what if this follows the Book of Mormon pattern of "If...then"? So reading it again what IF I look to Him in every thought THEN I'll be blessed that I'll not doubt or be fearful. WOW! So I'd been trying this exercise in little ways and marveled at what was happening.
So back to my leaf blowing...it's pretty noisy so I quickly discovered I was in a bubble of noise, rendering any distractions mute. I again turned my thoughts to Him. I explained I needed whatever miracle He would bless me with because it would be absolutely impossible to complete the task before me alone. So I gave Him a few suggestions, I have family in the other side of the veil, strong children, eager grandchildren, grateful ancestors...I was not opposed to their help. I knew it might mess things up a bit for others, if He lengthened out the day....so maybe bless my eyes to see in the gathering dark. I needed strength beyond my own as my shoulder is still healing. Maybe the blower could be stronger than normal... It may sound strange these suggestions but I realized that I had no fear or doubt in laying out my plan to Him!
And then I went to work in a race against the sun. I did my best and when sunset came and went and I was still in my blessed bubble, the leaves seemed endless and oh how I wanted to quit!!! No one would have faulted me, but in the past repeatedly I never quit when others expected it, why was now any different?
At 5 when Clark arrived home, I was still blowing those dang leaves! He started on the other side of our yard, I could still clearly see my leaves at 6:30, until I watched that last curled, dry leaf blow onto the pile to ends its life.
I turned around and realized Clark couldn't 'sweep' the leaves from the gravel path it too had to be blown. I began to blow and realized in the gathering dark I could still see enough to know I was moving the leaves in the right direction.
At 7:30 we both went inside and it was then that Clark realized I'd been blowing for three hours!!
At 6 am I heard the rain on my tin roof and smiled! As the rain has continued to fall gently most of the day I have felt to look unto Him in every thought of soul drenching gratitude. As the sun rose this morning I looked out on my back yard and realized what a sacred place it is now.
God lives He hears and answers every prayer. And as He does my fears and doubts flee, just as He promised.
So I have finished the book and after several emails and phone calls I was formally invited to submit my manuscript to Covenant. I was excited but slowly let my faith trample my fear. My friend reminded me of the challenge. So I hit the button this morning and off it went! Shortly thereafter I got another phone call from the Acquisition Agent telling me he was very impressed and had already given it to an editor.He was told by the editor they were ahead of schedule and should have an answer by Friday or possibly Monday. I was pleasantly surprised. My day got busy with the grandkids but a couple of hours later I got another call..."Sharon, the editor just told me we can't accept your manuscript, remember I told you we are Christian publishers? Well we can't publish anything from a Mormon."
He went on to recommended another Publisher...I was stunned and very confused. He got off the call immediately and hasn't answered my followup email.
First I slowly realized I had submitted to Covenant Publishing, not Covenant Communications!!
Second I realized he appeared to be under the delusion that Mormons were not Christians!!
Then my Mama Bear came out and I really wanted to set him straight about just who we worshipped, The Living Christ, the author and finisher of my faith!! And the best yard work helper EVER!
Later in the day after I had laid my pride aside for making such a mistake, I mused in silent prayer why the Lord, who has directed this whole journey -allowed this deviation to take place. He quietly answered, "They needed the book for themselves, it was the only way they'd read it."
As I am writing tonight, I'm also rocking my sleeping sweet Declan for Dani and I marvel at what I have experienced since I heard and accepted the challenge. I also see sacred places in my everyday journey that remind me of His miracles in my life. And I am reminded again, as Elder Bona taught me from Italy..."God's Plan is always working." And when I surrender my heart to Him, He never disappoints. So I am soaking up the sweet serenity of snuggles with my darling Declan seeing his very existence as a gift from God!
Sunday, October 27, 2019
...and then comes Joy...
As my daughter Danielle approached her 37th week of pregnancy, she
developed Cholestatis, where the liver fails to filter the bile from the blood. It can cause stillborn babies, so they induced her within days of the discovery.
Earlier in her pregnancy when she had said she didn't really want another October birthday in our family, she'd prefer he'd come November first, I was worried. She is very small boned and I knew this little guy was already good-sized, if she went over her due date (10/27) it would be unlikely in my opinion that she would be able to deliver him. In fact as we had a dinner out with them, the day before she would tell me about her suspicions of the Cholecystitis, we had each offered our guesses as to his birth weight. Six days later we discovered I was the closest...it's a Mommy thing. This dinner was so they could tell Clark little Mr Man would carry Clark as his middle name! Clark was thrilled of course. Dani told us it was Paul's idea from the beginning of the pregnancy.
By Friday she got the test results. A normal range is 1-10 she came in at 75! Her physician said "So baby Monday or Tuesday?" Since obviously this little guy would not have his own Birthday month, she said let's have him on my nephew Tayden's birthday...we'll go for Monday! Tayden was off-the-charts excited! If possible- even more excited, than he was at the gender reveal. He was so upset that the majority of us were guessing a girl, he thought that if more of us guessed a girl then it would dictate the gender. When the blue confetti filled the air from my cannon, Taydie went screaming round and round in circles "IT'S A BOY!! IT'S A BOY!!" So now for Dani to deliver this BOY on Tayden's birthday...well it didn't get much better than that! Only a few more sleeps til they meet!
As we reviewed her lists of things we had planned to do leisurely in her last three weeks before the newest little Mr Skinner arrived, suddenly all priorities changed. With laser-like focus we got the nursery ready, installed the car-seat, and bought the remaining items necessary. She chose his coming home outfit and packed her bags. GAME ON.
Simultaneously I packed my bags and made the necessary arrangements to move into her home for the foreseeable future. Her two step-sons at 11 & 13 years old, were not really sure how this littlest brother thing would turn out...
On Sunday night she was being admitted to begin the induction process. When I arrived at her home in Bluffdale the boys were down stairs, unaware I had arrived, Dani & Paul were on their way back to their house after getting another steroid shot for Mr Man's lungs, so I began carrying in my things to my upstairs rooms. Going back for my second load, I descended their stairs, which are broken up by a landing halfway down. As my toes touched the landing, I stopped because I could feel his presence there. He said to me, " I am ready, and I will do my part." Although I didn't know his name at that time, I knew my grandson's spirit. The warmth of the Holy Ghost washed over me, testifying of the truth of this sacred moment. I smiled and thought, I too, am ready and will do my part.
That night I prayed that we would have angels to support us all in this sacred experience.
All our best-laid plans went out the window, as her body responded almost immediately, going into labor before anyone really realized. All she knew was this was a ton of pain, way sooner than anyone had intimated.
After I arrived to be with her during the birth, and she progressed quickly. Then the end was insight, and on more than one occasion I could feel those Angels I had prayed for, including Dani's older sister Sara. A 'sunrise' baby. One of two miscarriages before Cassidy was born.
In reflection I marveled again just how thin the veil is at times, and how eager family is to support family.
They told us at three weeks early our little Mr Man would likely have breathing issues, and the Respiratory Therapist and nurses from Emergency Medicine quietly began preparations in her room. I asked how we would know he was ok ? The answer, "If he cries, he's good"
Not long after that my amazing daughter gave birth to her first little Mr Man at 4:04 pm He weighed in at 7 lbs 8 ozs and screamed with gusto! I quickly moved from delivery helper to photographer, capturing those first moments of Mom & Dad finally meeting him. In that tender moment, I recognized the great blessings, tender mercies, major miracles, and the gentle presence of so many family members from the other side of the veil rejoicing in his arrival. Seeing the pure joy on their faces, I set all other roles aside and quietly had my own tear-filled and tender Mom & Nanny moment. The recently heard remark "Our trials and afflictions can make space for greater joy." came to my mind. Oh what joy I was seeing and feeling there!
Declan Clark Skinner had arrived! He was perfect in every way, with no problems, and never did look like a premature newborn! His chubby cheeks and the ton of golden strawberry-blonde hair drew ooh's and aah's from all who saw him. One nurse told us "When a baby makes other nurses stop in the halls, you know he is cute...we see babies all day every day"
We laughed when his Audiologist asked if she could part his hair over his ear for her equipment! I commented "You probably don't ask that question too often."
Declan was alert, and knew His Mommy immediately, and screamed whenever he was taken away from her. By day two he knew his Dad, and watched him intently. I have never seen anything like it!
And so life began with our darling Declan. I quickly observed that whenever I held him, his eyes would be pulled toward the ceiling. Not uncommon in newborns. I had always quietly felt babies were seeing their family there from this new perspective. However this time with Declan was different. I watched those beautiful blue eyes tracking the movements of others I could not see. It happened every time I held him for the first two weeks. I finally told Dani he was watching his sisters. I think he has twin sisters who are waiting to come down! Towards the end of last week he finally looked into my eyes and I knew the veil, thin as it is, had been closed.
During the weeks and months prior to this blessed event I had felt such a sense of urgency to complete the Book. So I have been working hard on this in & around two hand surgeries, a Stake Girls Camp, and then the other shoulder surgery. I have been greatly blessed physically to accomplish this divine mission. Although the pain has been my constant companion, I have felt sustained and blessed beyond measure. And then this was given to me, and it feels applicable to share here. It's in my chapter "The Power of Joy"
‘Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”
And so it is! Joy fills our lives, even when this old Nanny nearly falls asleep with the fussy Declan in her arms, or I stumble through the dark as Declan screams for his Mom and his next meal, or when I get ridiculously excited to see Lover after a week (or two or three) away from him. Joy! It's everywhere when I look for it! May we each find our Joy, even as we endure hard things, the promise of Joy to come will sustain us!
developed Cholestatis, where the liver fails to filter the bile from the blood. It can cause stillborn babies, so they induced her within days of the discovery.
Earlier in her pregnancy when she had said she didn't really want another October birthday in our family, she'd prefer he'd come November first, I was worried. She is very small boned and I knew this little guy was already good-sized, if she went over her due date (10/27) it would be unlikely in my opinion that she would be able to deliver him. In fact as we had a dinner out with them, the day before she would tell me about her suspicions of the Cholecystitis, we had each offered our guesses as to his birth weight. Six days later we discovered I was the closest...it's a Mommy thing. This dinner was so they could tell Clark little Mr Man would carry Clark as his middle name! Clark was thrilled of course. Dani told us it was Paul's idea from the beginning of the pregnancy.
By Friday she got the test results. A normal range is 1-10 she came in at 75! Her physician said "So baby Monday or Tuesday?" Since obviously this little guy would not have his own Birthday month, she said let's have him on my nephew Tayden's birthday...we'll go for Monday! Tayden was off-the-charts excited! If possible- even more excited, than he was at the gender reveal. He was so upset that the majority of us were guessing a girl, he thought that if more of us guessed a girl then it would dictate the gender. When the blue confetti filled the air from my cannon, Taydie went screaming round and round in circles "IT'S A BOY!! IT'S A BOY!!" So now for Dani to deliver this BOY on Tayden's birthday...well it didn't get much better than that! Only a few more sleeps til they meet!
As we reviewed her lists of things we had planned to do leisurely in her last three weeks before the newest little Mr Skinner arrived, suddenly all priorities changed. With laser-like focus we got the nursery ready, installed the car-seat, and bought the remaining items necessary. She chose his coming home outfit and packed her bags. GAME ON.
Simultaneously I packed my bags and made the necessary arrangements to move into her home for the foreseeable future. Her two step-sons at 11 & 13 years old, were not really sure how this littlest brother thing would turn out...
On Sunday night she was being admitted to begin the induction process. When I arrived at her home in Bluffdale the boys were down stairs, unaware I had arrived, Dani & Paul were on their way back to their house after getting another steroid shot for Mr Man's lungs, so I began carrying in my things to my upstairs rooms. Going back for my second load, I descended their stairs, which are broken up by a landing halfway down. As my toes touched the landing, I stopped because I could feel his presence there. He said to me, " I am ready, and I will do my part." Although I didn't know his name at that time, I knew my grandson's spirit. The warmth of the Holy Ghost washed over me, testifying of the truth of this sacred moment. I smiled and thought, I too, am ready and will do my part.
That night I prayed that we would have angels to support us all in this sacred experience.
All our best-laid plans went out the window, as her body responded almost immediately, going into labor before anyone really realized. All she knew was this was a ton of pain, way sooner than anyone had intimated.
After I arrived to be with her during the birth, and she progressed quickly. Then the end was insight, and on more than one occasion I could feel those Angels I had prayed for, including Dani's older sister Sara. A 'sunrise' baby. One of two miscarriages before Cassidy was born.
In reflection I marveled again just how thin the veil is at times, and how eager family is to support family.
They told us at three weeks early our little Mr Man would likely have breathing issues, and the Respiratory Therapist and nurses from Emergency Medicine quietly began preparations in her room. I asked how we would know he was ok ? The answer, "If he cries, he's good"
Not long after that my amazing daughter gave birth to her first little Mr Man at 4:04 pm He weighed in at 7 lbs 8 ozs and screamed with gusto! I quickly moved from delivery helper to photographer, capturing those first moments of Mom & Dad finally meeting him. In that tender moment, I recognized the great blessings, tender mercies, major miracles, and the gentle presence of so many family members from the other side of the veil rejoicing in his arrival. Seeing the pure joy on their faces, I set all other roles aside and quietly had my own tear-filled and tender Mom & Nanny moment. The recently heard remark "Our trials and afflictions can make space for greater joy." came to my mind. Oh what joy I was seeing and feeling there!
Declan Clark Skinner had arrived! He was perfect in every way, with no problems, and never did look like a premature newborn! His chubby cheeks and the ton of golden strawberry-blonde hair drew ooh's and aah's from all who saw him. One nurse told us "When a baby makes other nurses stop in the halls, you know he is cute...we see babies all day every day"
We laughed when his Audiologist asked if she could part his hair over his ear for her equipment! I commented "You probably don't ask that question too often."
Declan was alert, and knew His Mommy immediately, and screamed whenever he was taken away from her. By day two he knew his Dad, and watched him intently. I have never seen anything like it!
And so life began with our darling Declan. I quickly observed that whenever I held him, his eyes would be pulled toward the ceiling. Not uncommon in newborns. I had always quietly felt babies were seeing their family there from this new perspective. However this time with Declan was different. I watched those beautiful blue eyes tracking the movements of others I could not see. It happened every time I held him for the first two weeks. I finally told Dani he was watching his sisters. I think he has twin sisters who are waiting to come down! Towards the end of last week he finally looked into my eyes and I knew the veil, thin as it is, had been closed.
During the weeks and months prior to this blessed event I had felt such a sense of urgency to complete the Book. So I have been working hard on this in & around two hand surgeries, a Stake Girls Camp, and then the other shoulder surgery. I have been greatly blessed physically to accomplish this divine mission. Although the pain has been my constant companion, I have felt sustained and blessed beyond measure. And then this was given to me, and it feels applicable to share here. It's in my chapter "The Power of Joy"
‘Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”
And so it is! Joy fills our lives, even when this old Nanny nearly falls asleep with the fussy Declan in her arms, or I stumble through the dark as Declan screams for his Mom and his next meal, or when I get ridiculously excited to see Lover after a week (or two or three) away from him. Joy! It's everywhere when I look for it! May we each find our Joy, even as we endure hard things, the promise of Joy to come will sustain us!
Monday, September 9, 2019
Suicide Prevention Week
Suicide prevention week. I have been asked why I am writing a book about our experience with Bryce's suicide attempt. Well, first and foremost because The Lord asked me to. Coming in a very close second is that I hold out the hope that it may help someone to either change their own course of action, or that they may be able to better understand the role mental health plays in this very sad decision, suicide. Far too often there are so many unanswered questions, and feelings of guilt in those left behind. I believe we have been able to get a rare glimpse inside the chaotic darkness of a mind who honestly believes suicide is the only unexplored pathway out of their constant aching pain. And so share I must, to break the silence, the stigma and the shame.
I also believe that we all must work to remove the negative stigma of mental health conditions, and suicide itself. I believe we can all do a better job of being kind to others. Whether we know their pain or not. Aren't we all completely shocked when someone takes their life? Is that feeling not proof enough that we rarely understand another's pain? But the beautiful truth is we do not need to know their pain, we just need to love them. We need to be that one person who isn't afraid of the uglies in other's lives. We need to each be that person that is known, and counted on, to look them in the eye with love, not censure and petty judgement. Sometimes we need to be the one to follow our heart and be unafraid to ask the hard questions, "Are you thinking about harming yourself?" "What can I do to ease your pain?" And then be prepared to hold on tight and not run from whatever answer we are given. Hard as it may be, STAY PRESENT with them! And if necessary stay until more help can arrive.
The cold hard truth of the matter is that these preventive steps need to be taken early, consistently, and as often as necessary for prevention to be a real reality. As Elder Rasband asked our CES leaders, Seminary & Institute teachers, to be 'First Responders', so too must we. Be that friend, parent, teacher, or leader who is living close to the Spirit and obeying promptings. Be that one noticing others who are withdrawing or isolating, and go be with them. We can each truly make a difference!
I'll never forget the day my sweet friends Jesse, Blaine and I were sharing our concerns about our sons, she had very recently lost her Spencer, and I was struggling with something Bryce was doing and Jesse quietly said, "I wish I had that problem." What a powerful moment that was, and it's impact on my heart & soul will forever be felt. Her fear of loss had been replaced by in-calculable pain at separation from her wonderful son.
I am so grateful that we have been able to transition quietly into removing the shame in our conversations with Bryce, and others, about tough stuff. I hope everyone knows I can be counted on to talk about the uglies. So is Bryce, interestingly enough. And having gone down that path and survived- he has taught us so much. Even though suicide lingers on the edge of his mind still, he is learning how to handle that more effectively by sharing. And we can only hope and pray for his future.
So in this week of prevention my prayer is that each of us can cast aside our fear of conversations about the uglies we all live with daily in mortality. I pray that we each can take on the role of 'First Responders' and let our heart lead us to our own personal power to love others wherever they may be on life's path, including those who have lost someone they love. We all need each other, every day. And I believe hearts, and minds will heal, as we offer pure love to our fellow-travelers here.
I also believe that we all must work to remove the negative stigma of mental health conditions, and suicide itself. I believe we can all do a better job of being kind to others. Whether we know their pain or not. Aren't we all completely shocked when someone takes their life? Is that feeling not proof enough that we rarely understand another's pain? But the beautiful truth is we do not need to know their pain, we just need to love them. We need to be that one person who isn't afraid of the uglies in other's lives. We need to each be that person that is known, and counted on, to look them in the eye with love, not censure and petty judgement. Sometimes we need to be the one to follow our heart and be unafraid to ask the hard questions, "Are you thinking about harming yourself?" "What can I do to ease your pain?" And then be prepared to hold on tight and not run from whatever answer we are given. Hard as it may be, STAY PRESENT with them! And if necessary stay until more help can arrive.
The cold hard truth of the matter is that these preventive steps need to be taken early, consistently, and as often as necessary for prevention to be a real reality. As Elder Rasband asked our CES leaders, Seminary & Institute teachers, to be 'First Responders', so too must we. Be that friend, parent, teacher, or leader who is living close to the Spirit and obeying promptings. Be that one noticing others who are withdrawing or isolating, and go be with them. We can each truly make a difference!
I'll never forget the day my sweet friends Jesse, Blaine and I were sharing our concerns about our sons, she had very recently lost her Spencer, and I was struggling with something Bryce was doing and Jesse quietly said, "I wish I had that problem." What a powerful moment that was, and it's impact on my heart & soul will forever be felt. Her fear of loss had been replaced by in-calculable pain at separation from her wonderful son.
I am so grateful that we have been able to transition quietly into removing the shame in our conversations with Bryce, and others, about tough stuff. I hope everyone knows I can be counted on to talk about the uglies. So is Bryce, interestingly enough. And having gone down that path and survived- he has taught us so much. Even though suicide lingers on the edge of his mind still, he is learning how to handle that more effectively by sharing. And we can only hope and pray for his future.
So in this week of prevention my prayer is that each of us can cast aside our fear of conversations about the uglies we all live with daily in mortality. I pray that we each can take on the role of 'First Responders' and let our heart lead us to our own personal power to love others wherever they may be on life's path, including those who have lost someone they love. We all need each other, every day. And I believe hearts, and minds will heal, as we offer pure love to our fellow-travelers here.
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