Happy Fall y'all!

 The sky is full of grey clouds as the thunder echoes  in the distance. Without any wind the rain pours exactly straight down, I can see it falling in sheets. I listen as the cars drive through it, the water flies as if giving the rain a voice. After a few minutes the cars leave a trail of silence.

Suddenly the outside quieten as the sky turns an inky, formidable black, and the thunder explodes in the wet sky. And I am glad I am snuggled in my bed.

From my view outside my bedroom window I realize some of the trees are beginning to turn to the yellows of Autumn. 

Against this backdrop I declare today we have fall in Grand Prairie, Texas! 

The temperatures are still in the 80's and without the cold snaps of Utah the leaves may never share their full fall colors. However I have learned to be grateful for the fall I can see, and content with the pictures I receive from family and friends in Utah. They all know fall is my favorite!

I had a friend who once said, "Fall teaches us how to let go gracefully." As she gently sheds the old leaves, that have served us well through a hot summer, it's time for them to fall and start the age-old recycling in nature. Perhaps it's also a good time for us to let some things go too...things we've been holding on to for too long- habits, poor choices, unhealthy relationships. Old hurts we need to bless and then let go of.

Just as I am seeing in hot Texas fall comes in many forms. And each form of fall is welcomed. We don't walk much here so when orangey-brown leaves seemed to scurry across the path in front of us, on a rare breath of wind, it seemed as though fall had found us here too...Texas style. That and as
the rainstorm and thunder rolled through I had to pause and enjoy it.  It's a good thing I did because now the sky is blue, sunshine shining through scattered clouds, and it's almost as if the cloud burst never even happened! 

I'll count it as one of my fall moments, and thank my kind Heavenly Father for such a blessing. 

Happy Fall y'all.

 

               The dark sky whispers to me... 

the inky, pre-dawn sky draws me in. And in the stillness I notice that I can just barely see the landing lights of the first incoming flights to a nearby airport. They are too far away for me to hear them, however their steady, uniform approach and direction, blinking in the dark sky, identify themselves. 

I can feel the Texas air beginning to change as the day begins. In the distance the sky color begins to change, it's more a sense almost, than an obvious visual confirmation yet. The darkness is receding, slowly, as if reluctant to leave, withdrawing, as it's color is fading, like that of a watercolor painting when the artist dilutes with  water, carefully, on her page. Slowly the dark cover of night seems to withdraw, as the first infusion of morning, lightens the sky by gradual degrees. The light is not afraid of the dark. It is the darkness that is fleeing! 

It is as if the darkness innately knows this is a battle it will never win. However in it's departure, it admits defeat as the light will always overcome all darkness, and reign supreme.  

The colors begin to appear. The smudged outline of the trees now separating from the dark sky as silhouettes. The sky colors muted but growing more defined. The first hues in burnt orange begin to spread majestically across the sky. Not chasing the darkness per se, perhaps utterly overpowering it, until there is only light and color that remains. New infusions, the color of tangerine and melon gracefully appear as the whole sky seems to be eagerly anticipating the arrival of the morning's crowning glory. Colors of deep yellowy-orange, like warm tropical papaya, soft lavender like spring lilacs, fill the vastness of the sky, adding depth to the promises the day will bring. Suddenly the very air changes and everything seems to be hastening, not rushing, but moving forward with a determined, celestially-coordinated effort... it's coming!! 

The sun is almost here! 

The yellows of sun-ripened pineapple, or sweet summer corn on the cob, seem to shoot through the subtle hues paving the way. The whole sky appears to take one collective breath in the faint light. 

And then everything seems to still, motionless in anticipation, collectively holding that breath in perfect unity, waiting. Silence. A passing car temporarily shatters the silence and I look up to see a spray of water from the road, catching the light and shimmering like diamonds in the air- as if every drop was created for this moment. 

The changing sky beckons me, the display continues. The silhouetted trees look like they are on fire! Seemingly bursting with orange flames as the gentle ascent of the rising sun continues behind them. This fire however doesn't consume, instead it defines every leaf. Somehow enabling each leaf to know it's divine worth, and to understand intrinsically it's role in this moment. Filtering through those leaves, the sun begins to become visible. Yellowy white now, like the liquid fire that it is, the fiery force of nature commands the very sky! 

Suddenly there it is! The most perfect sphere of blazing light, instantly piercing every color of the sky. However in the shattering of color to liquid light it didn't diminish each color, it somehow enhanced everything in it's path.

Dancing amidst the leaves it continues upward, my heart begins to beat a little faster in anticipation. As the leaves thin toward the top of the tree, the light is more visible, stronger. As it begins to rise above these trees, I notice other trees are illuminated as sunlight spreads over everything. I know my viewing time is short, because as soon as it clears the treetops- into the open sky from my vantage-point, I will no longer be able to look directly at this glorious sun. It is too bright, too powerful and almost too beautiful to bear. One last very quick glance, and I see, the perfect white light, scattered temporarily, and stunning through the tippily-top* of the trees.

Suddenly no longer hidden behind the trees I can actually feel the very air begin to warm. Brighter and brighter the sun shines as it climbs steadily into the morning sky. 

Oh how breathtakingly beautiful this moment is. 

My senses are so full of the glorious light before me I can scarcely remember the darkness at all. 

I gently close my eyes in quiet gratitude to God, letting the warmth and light bathe me in peace. 

I am so blessed. 

God is in His Heaven and all is right with my world.

* Declan's version of tipity-top.

Fall favors and blessings.

I have been itching to write again, but I think I'm still a little traumatized by writing my book. I see now, and every time I re-read it for editing, just how raw and real it is. We are nearing completion, and while I am very proud of what my gifted and incredible editor Aubrey and I are accomplishing, the fear of the unknown and the transparency and vulnerability I am soon going to make very public, gives me a little anxiety I think. However I can still balance that anxiety with the pure truth that this is the Lord's will, and that allows me to feel His peace.

This morning I was doing a NeurOptimal session and with about ten minutes left in my 33-minute session, I had an overwhelming desire for a hug. Tears sprung to my eyes and I relaxed into the feeling and began to explore my options. I could ask Clark to come home-which I knew he would do in a heartbeat. I could go to his work knowing he would willingly meet me somewhere private there for a hug. Then my thoughts went back to nearly 40 years ago when I was a missionary in London.

I had some remarkable spiritual experiences as I began my service in North London. It was a rough area. One day it seemed particularly awful, as we were surrounded by the degradation and wickedness of the world. I could feel the very evil of the world around me. Discouraged, especially as I was also training a new sister, I sent her to the kitchen to get our lunch figured out, and closed myself in our bedroom. Dropping to my knees I poured out my aching heart in prayer. As I sobbed, I told Him I needed to feel love for His children or I would never be able to lead them to Him. Almost immediately I felt the unmistakable presence of the Holy Ghost, and then it was as if someone was pouring warm water slowly over my head, and the warmth and comfort continued to envelope my whole body. It was then I first experienced, in mortality, a hug from my elder Brother Jesus Christ. There were no words, just His arms around me. Comforting. Supporting. Understanding. Empathizing. Loving. Loving me. Loving me as His servant. Acknowledging my service in His vineyard. Thanking me for my willingness to do all He asked of me. Encouraging me. Lifting me. Bathed in His peace, I basked in this very personal, singular experience. After thanking Him, I arose and went forth. After our lunch break we returned to the very same streets I had felt such despair on earlier, however now when I looked at His children, I saw them through His eyes. I knew He loved them, and so I could smile at them. My whole heart had changed, I no longer felt the evil, I only saw hope. It became the area I led the most children of God to Him. It was also the hardest area. I had some terrifying experiences living there perhaps more than I had yet experienced.

And so I reflected on this experience and realized Christ was waiting to be invited for that desperately-needed hug. I asked Heavenly Father to send His Son. Immediately I felt His arms around me and His peace washed over my arms and body with such tender sensations that I actually looked down at my arms. I am not sure what I expected, but His peace was that tangible. My heartbeat slowed and I leaned into His sacred hug. And then the gratitude that seemed to swallow me, my tears ran down my face as I offered a prayer of thanks.

And now as I write, I have again, my beautiful Autumn view from my window. The sky is the perfect Fall blue, my green grass is dotted, almost covered, by the gold, brown and orange leaves that are slowly coming down from my trees. The vibrant reds and oranges of my trees, vines and bushes attest to the beauty of this fall. While the mountains have been getting snow, the valley is taking it's sweet time to slowly allow Fall to come, holding onto their colorful leaves much longer than in recent memory. Oh how I love Fall. As the leaves still holding onto the trees flutter in the light breeze I am reminded again that Fall shows us how to gently let go. I am reminded to let the burdens I am carrying find their way to my Savior's ample shoulders. He has already paid the price to bear these burdens, and since He has also received all His Father has, he is more than capable to take my burdens. I am reminded that He too has experienced all that I have experienced, so no one actually knows better than Him, how to comfort, reassure, encourage and forgive me. 

We have had a rough few months with Clark's health issues, both seen and unseen by others. And while talking with my sweet friend Jodi yesterday, the question arose again..."but how are you doing?" Later I reflected on why that question continues to surprise me. While there have been tears, fears and uncertainty for sure, I have known His peace in the storm. While I know my NeurOptimal sessions, inspired by Him, have obviously helped more than I had realized until yesterday, His peace is undeniably woven through the heartache and the storm. I am doing great! It has been my privelage to watch my beloved Lover stretch and become the man I knew he would become. His relationship with Christ is beautiful to behold. And together we have seen miracles as he has healed, exactly as the Lord promised he would, through the Bishop's beautiful blessing. And through these trials and our subsequent changes in our hearts, Christ has done mighty miracles in our lives, and in the lives of our children also, as promised.

As the season of gratitude draws nearer I find myself with so much to be grateful for. My life is not perfect, and will never be so here in mortality, but I love it. And so as I walk softly through my day today, to preserve that precious gift of peace I received this morning, I also walk in gratitude. God is Good. I am so blessed, and beloved of Him. And so too are you. If you doubt that, maybe you might ask for a spiritual hug.

Shattered glass

 I could feel the hot summer sun on my back, and the humidity from the huge storm last night caused droplets of perspiration to form along my brow. I bent over trying to sweep up what remained of one of my car windows. I had read many times before how a car window shattered in one of my novels. I had watched television shows and movies portray shattered windows. I realized the stark contrast with my first-hand experience today. 

As I reflected on the events of the last two hours, minute by minute I analyzed everything that happened. Suddenly with a sort of sick uneasiness I suddenly remembered the impression I had ignored earlier. "Give her a bottle"

Kylee had asked me to pick up Adorable Adelynn Eliza from daycare today. Delighted I did so and buckled her into her car seat, and off we went. As I made the first turn out of the daycare neighborhood, the impression came to me, so light, "You should give her a bottle." However I thought, no, we'll be home in 10 minutes. I proceeded towards the freeway. Traffic was pretty normal for a Friday, and I was glad most people were finishing up their work week still. I entered I-15 and proceeded to work my way across to the inside lanes. Suddenly out of nowhere I heard the rear passenger side window shatter completely. Adee screamed as she was hit with shards and chunks of glass, and the noise of the traffic filled our car. I made the quick decision to pull off the freeway to the left crossing the HOV lane to do so, and slowed as quickly as I could. My hands fumbled to locate my hazard lights as Adee's screams filled my ears. I got out on my side, next to the cement divide. I climbed into the back seat and quickly moved Adee to my side and got her out of her car seat and into my arms. As I soothed her, my tears ran down my cheeks, and I surveyed the damage. My heart nearly melted in gratitude as I realized the sun-shade which is built into my rear doors was completely intact!! I realized had it not been there....well I didn't have the emotional bandwidth to follow that line of thought. I cradled little Adee close to me, breathing in her baby scent and touching her soft curls. She was alive! I sat her on the seat, while I turned her car seat upside down there on the freeway. When I looked back to where that car seat had been holding my precious passenger, my breath stopped all together as I saw how much glass was on the seat, on the floor and wedged still along the frame of the window. The car rocked as cars and trucks sped by us and I knew I had to do something. Breathing again, I heard the Spirit say, "Feed her a bottle...and get back inside the car!"

I did so, quickly preparing a bottle for her and getting her started on it. We sat there, without a window and rocking back and forth as cars continued to fly by us at alarming speeds. While she drank I tried to collect myself. I looked forlornly out my back window watching the endless stream of vehicles coming my way. I was disappointed to see a Highway Patrol vehicle go right past me. I messaged Clark, I didn't trust myself to call him, thinking I would likely fall completely apart, and besides there was nothing anyone could do for us anyway. I felt the gentle reassurance of the Comforter, seep into my heart, "It will all be ok." He assured me. Slowly my plan began to form. During the next significant break in the HOV traffic I opened the car door on the traffic side and quickly hung my Australian blanket over the window and slammed the door shut. Even over the roar of the passing traffic I heard the shattered glass fall down inside the door. It was an eerie experience.

Adee finished her bottle and I buckled her back into her car seat, on my side of the car. I put on a happy face as her big blue eyes watched me. She smiled and I kissed her and whispered "Nanny loves Adee."I couldn't see her, when I got back into my seat, but she apparently fell right to sleep. I didn't hear a peep out of her. I waited until there was a break in the HOV lane traffic and sped into it, praying we'd be ok. About 5 minutes later I realized I was gripping the steering wheel so hard my knuckles were hurting! Several times I had to consciously release my hands and take a deep breath, and remind myself we were ok.                                                                                                    

When we got back to the house, I got her out and quickly discovered I didn't want to put her down. Kylee arrived about that moment so I explained, and showed her the car. I held on to Adee and kissed and cuddled her, and she smiled and snuggled me. It was as if I had to reassure myself over and over again, that we were both ok. Clark arrived soon after that, he was also in desperate need for some Adee snuggles, after his difficult week. Miss Fizz spread her special brand of sunshine and snuggles all around. She is so loving and generous with that love, we all are blessed.

I am still trying to wrap my head around this whole freaky experience. I played the what if...??? game for a minute or two. What if the shade hadn't been up? What if it had happened to the windshield? What if I had hit another car as the glass shattered? And then I couldn't go on. 

Every day we express our gratitude to the Lord for His loving watch-care over us. Never have I felt those words more deeply than at this moment. I finished cleaning the glass as much as possible and have an appointment to have the window replaced next Wednesday. If the weather stays dry I'll be fine, if not I'll be driving Clarks truck.

Tonight I am still feeling a little shaken, but grateful. I think I'd rather read about shattered glass from now on, instead of living through it. God is so good! His care is perfect. He is in the details of every life. What peace that brings me.

A new heart.

Today as I was reading in Joseph Smith's history he relates the experience of Moroni's visit during the night. Moroni quoted the eleventh chapter of Isaiah and not being immediately able to recall it's content I diverted from Joseph's account and looked it up.

It talks of the second coming of Christ, describing the state of the earth at His coming.  I continued to read and then was stopped cold at the end of verse seven. "...and the lion shall eat straw like the ox." I pondered that for a minute and I realized that when the Lord, the Creator, came, He would change the very nature of the lion. We know everyone and everything will acknowledge Christ the Lord when He comes again. And every knee will bow, every tongue confess, He is the Lord. So as the lion gives his heart to the Lord, the Lord changes it!  No longer the carnivore- the lion now eats straw. No longer the predator- the lion no longer hunts and kills and eats his prey. The lion is harmless towards all others. I find that remarkable!  The Lord has the power to change the very nature of His creations. He can also change my nature, if I give Him my heart.

If I am willing to acknowledge Him as Master of my soul, and humbly give Him my heart, no matter it's condition, He will heal it, and make it new again. He will meet me wherever I am in my journey of life, and lift me to a better place by changing my nature, giving me a new heart. A heart that loves all people, a heart that knows and acts upon good, a heart that shuns evil in every form. A heart eager to learn more of Him and His restored gospel. A heart that is quick to forgive, deserving or not. A heart, through my own journey of pain, that can now lift and help others. A heart that can be an example of faith-filled endurance. A heart that can be filled with gifts of the Spirit. A heart that allows the Holy Ghost a place to dwell. Oh that I had such a heart! 

As this new year begins I marvel at the similarity of emotions we are surrounded with in our world today. As I read Joseph's description of the emotions surrounding him as a 14 year old boy, it is achingly familiar. The discord. The fiery conversations. The dividing of beliefs. And I already know the lengths others went to shut Joseph up. To extinguish the truths he shared. To halt the work of God. I draw courage and strength from knowing the results, to this day, of those efforts of the young Joseph Smith. Millions world-wide faithfully follow that obscure farm-boy's example in seeking Jesus Christ. In this season of unrest we are in, of voices calling 'truth here' and 'truth there' it can be very confusing to one such as I who is ignorant of the sciences, and other worldly knowledge- trying to know who is right. I learned at the beginning of the Pandemic the only places to confidently know I am hearing truth is from the Lord and His anointed apostles and Prophets. They know the truth and as long as my words and actions are in sync with them, then I have peace. 

And so I step forward into 2021 and work daily to give my heart to the Lord, to receive back my new, changed heart. I follow the counsel of our Church leaders on every level to the best of my ability. And I give gratitude to the Lord for the peace in my heart. It's the only way I can live. 

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."  John 14:27

The warm peace in Christ.

A new year. 2021 has finally arrived. And, while we would all be delighted if all the chaos of 2020 disappeared as easily as turning the calendar to this new year, month and day...we also know that will not be the case. I for one actually feel a bit better prepared for this new year than I expected to feel. Great have been the blessings I have received in 2020. 

As is the custom the first Sunday of each month, we have the opportunity for any member of our congregation to stand before us and testify of our truths in the gospel. Today however my sweet friend Elizabeth, started to make her way towards the front when the meeting was called to a close. She sat quietly in a row where she was. The spirit whispered to me, "You need to ask her to share her testimony with you." After the meeting concluded I made my way to her and we sat quietly in the back as she shared her testimony, her truths, tears and love. She told me her very frail father had covid. This I knew. One morning her sister asked if she had seen the text from their brother, she said no. And suddenly felt a cold chill sweep through her whole body. She decided to talk to Heavenly Father first. So she knelt down and poured out her heart to Him. Almost immediately she felt the warm peace of Christ fill her whole body. She knew her Dad was going to be ok. And he is. She said I realized how powerful the peace Christ gives us is even amidst the chaos of our world. 

Two thoughts immediately came to my mind. First, I had never consciously given thought to the two polar opposites of cold and warm in the context of the Spirit. Then the thought popped into my mind, "But I have never felt cold peace."  That made me think of other times and people that have seemed cold to me, maybe they were without the warmth of Christ's peace! 

Then I thought just like my mission in London nearly forty years ago, there were lessons I learned there that I still draw upon today. Some have referred the mission to a mini-life of sorts.

Maybe this Pandemic is a little bit like that. Ever since President Nelson was sustained and set apart as President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, without us even realizing it, he has been preparing us for this chaotic time. He made changes to the way we did things. The home centered, church supported curriculum. Subtle changes to Temple procedures. He and the other Apostles taught us boldly and purposefully that we needed to immediately prepare ourselves both temporally & spiritually for the coming days. There seemed to be a real sense of urgency behind their powerful instructions. Now in retrospect, nearly three years later, I see again he was divinely inspired.

Those who chose to follow the Prophets counsel, have been blessed, and have felt their spiritual confidence grow. I am one who has felt the warm Peace in Christ while much of the world is in utter chaos. So now I am wondering, if this Pandemic, in part, is to wake us up out of our complacency, both spiritually & temporally. I think my perspective has changed. I knew from the beginning this Pandemic would prove challenging to all. I just don't think I realized the depth of the lessons to be learned during this Pandemic. 

As I was getting ready for church today, I pulled out my notebook, and immediately felt impressed to grab a different notebook, which I did. When I opened it before the meeting began I was stunned at some of the things I had written nearly seven years ago.

Joseph Smith was prepared to act on his answer before he ever entered the Sacred Grove. Am I prepared to act upon my answers to prayer with the same level of faith & commitment?

Another nugget, Joseph Smith, though he didn't realize it at the time, during the first vision-saw the fulfillment of the Plan of Salvation in the resurrected and perfect and glorified bodies of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

The Witness Trees in the Sacred Grove, some are 350 years old so they were present when Joseph had the vision there (200 years ago) However there is an underground brook there, which meant the roots didn't have to go very deep for the life-giving water they needed to grow with-so when a windstorm came through many of them fell. Just like these Witness Trees, if our spiritual roots aren't deep, then we are in danger when the winds and trials come our way.

So as I contemplate my personal goals for 2021 I am reminded that I need to focus less about the outcome and more about the journey I am on. (Thanks Gary Little) and I need to look at trials as if they are gold mines (Thanks Jake Hoyt) sometimes we have to go through a lot of stuff to find the blessings/treasures/gifts from God. 

So maybe this 2021 will be one of my best years ever! I'm going to hold hope in that. And hopefully I will make the choices that bring the warm Peace in Christ into my life more often. May each of us look upwards, realize who we really are, and act the part of choice sons and daughters of God. And may we remember to treat everyone we meet as if they are also sons and daughters of God, because they are too!  Let the chaos rage around us, but within I choose the warm peace of Christ. Happy New Year.

Tears, but joy in the morning.

I was so looking forward to the possibility of sleeping in this morning. With no work scheduled I was in desperate need of sleep and a slow, lazy start to my day. Apparently the Lord had other plans for me. 

I began to read in 3 Nephi 28:6 where the Savior is discussing with the Twelve their desires, after His eminent departure. It reads as follows, "And he said unto them: Behold, I know your thoughts, and ye have desired the thing which John, my beloved, who was with me in my ministry, before that I was lifted up by the Jews, desired of me." Even though I know exactly what is coming, something gave me pause today. I went back and read it again. And then the Spirit gently washed over me and said, "Just like Laurel." 

Ten days ago one of God's sweetest angels, Laurel Blomquist, had what now appears as her final, massive, stroke. She is currently clinging to the last moments with her beloved Keith and their incredible family. By all accounts she should have already slipped through the veil. However they are lovingly keeping vigilant watch as they are " shedding tears...laughing...singing Broadway music and hymns that she loves." until the Lord says, "It is finished thou good & faithful servant."

Their complete transparency about this painfully private experience has allowed so many of us to share this sacred, tender time from a far. We have joined our love, prayers, fasting and hope with her family. Laurel came blazing into my world when she answered my plea for help at work. She was always one of my favorite life-lines as I navigated difficult waters during my job. Her distinct voice, tone and laughter always made me feel as though I had just phoned a friend. She was so kind, reassuring, and helpful. As we all work from home, it is rare that we ever actually meet in person. But some, like Laurel, have impacted me so deeply I truly consider them the dearest of friends. She used to live near me in Lindon so I have popped in and been readily embraced into her world, regardless of who is there or what is going on. I have watched as her sweet, kind, Keith and her daughters have lovingly cared for her since this journey began. Often the blows to Laurel's health would have laid the rest of us out flat, however her unconquerable spirit, her laughter, and her twinkly eyes have been an amazing inspiration on handling adversity.

So it is with great tenderness, gratitude for having known her, and amidst many tears, that the reality of this 'Terrible horrible no good very bad day' as Lindsay so aptly described it yesterday, is weighing upon my heart. 

So as I read this morning I realized I don't remember ever hearing or reading Christ's own description of His death like this before. He states that He was "...lifted up..." I certainly wouldn't describe His brutal, agonizing death as being lifted up. And before today I always thought it referred to the physical lifting up on that awful cross. But His recently resurrected state certainly entitled Him to a vastly different perspective than mine. And while it is not usual for us to be able to see beyond the veil, I have had several experiences where I have had the privelage to see the scene as some step through the veil we call death. I am no longer surprised at the pure joy radiating from those eagerly awaiting their loved ones, as they warmly embrace them with tears of joy. I am not even capable, even if I was allowed, to describe these scenes. Nevertheless I know it is a reunion unlike any other!

I find the only comparison I have experienced is both leaving home to go on my mission, and then leaving my mission to return home. In each the exquisite pain and joy feels almost impossible to bear. The simultaneous emotions seemed to war within my heart. I wanted to both go and stay in the same heartbeat.

So now knowing how Christ viewed His death as being 'lifted up' helps me to try and view this pain through His eyes. We love, and we have to let go. We weep but are promised joy in the morning. We remember because we love so deeply. 

May His peace, as only He can give, come to each of Laurel's family and friends. I know her legacy of love will continue on through the lives of her children and husband. May we each honor her great goodness and life, by choosing righteousness, kindness, gentleness, unselfishness and love unfeigned. May we each know we are better for having known Laurel. May we each love and lift those around us and those who pass too quickly from our view. And may we each learn from, and follow, our Saviors examples in life and in death. 

Till we meet again, Laurel, God be with us all. Farewell my friend.