Being in an agony...

I do not believe in coincidences...in fact I think that very word is tossed around so frequently, that it has impeded our ability, to recognize just how often the Lord's Tender Mercies run like a golden thread through the tapestry of our lives. Today I witnessed a singularly stunning example of the chain of recent Tender Mercies culminate into one of the most Christ-like events I can ever recall. 

About six weeks ago I was asked to facilitate one of the classes the Stake was offering, "Personal Finances for self-reliance." Try as I might, my attempts to get out of this assignment, failed repeatedly...until I finally listened to that still small voice. When I realized I was not required to have mastered this skill, or be the resident expert, in fact I was asked to just facilitate and follow the manual, I thought I knew some of the blessings (financially) that might come as a result of this course. My finite mind could not have ever comprehended what the Lord had in His plan for me. 

During the course of the training and preparation meetings of the Self-Reliance Facilitators,
I became acquainted with several other members of our Stake for the first time. One stood out as a kind and humble man. We had several conversations, and bumped into each other at various church-related occasions. He had such a beautiful spirit about him, that I admired.

By the second week of the course I had to miss due to the death and funeral of my Nephew Dakota. My heart aches still, for his life cut short. However moving forward in my life is the way I chose to honor my belief that Dakota is in a better place and no longer struggling. 

Clark & I had an accountability conversation recently with Bryce. While he was doing well in his recovery, we needed him to make a couple of changes. We discussed it and determined an acceptable course of action. Over the last two weeks Bryce has initiated our family prayer every night before bed. We have loved this new experience. Bryce told us he has felt such a difference in his life since doing this, and he has recognized the Spirit more in him and in our home. Today was the first time, in a long time, that he kept his commitment to us to work out in the yard by 9 am. We were definitely liking this new responsive son.  

I think back on my Wednesday this week, I worked, I served on my shift in the Temple. We passed a pleasant dinner with friends. A seemingly ordinary day. Little did I know that not far from us, another family's lives had been turned upside down. I remembered the feeling of standing in a grocery store line, when my world was seemingly spinning out-of-control. I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs...
"Don't you know that I am in the middle of my own personal Hell?" 
How can the world just appear to be going on the way it always has done, when my world was in such chaos? 

Yesterday I discovered the wonderful son of this good man, my new friend, I had so admired, had lost his son to suicide on Wednesday. My heart ached. I cried. I prayed for him and his family. And then a feeling- I am not sure how to even describe, seeped into my consciousness...a feeling to compete with the feeling of intense sadness engulfing my heart...guilt. A sense of somehow being rescued from the ending this family had, but not through any power of my own. I knew immediately I could not know the depth of their pain, but I had walked some of the path they were on. 

I finally sent my friend a text expressing that our love and prayers were with them. And indicated very briefly the decision Bryce had come to in his pain-filled mind, several months ago. He responded with heartfelt thanks for the prayers, sharing that he knew he and his family were being carried by those prayers, and was there a time he could stop by to visit with Clark and I? We arranged it this morning. I wasn't entirely sure why he was coming, but I prayed mightily that if I could be of service to him, that Father would show me His plan.

Bryce was mowing, and my friend asked when he arrived if that was Bryce, having never met him. I told him yes. I knew we were on sacred ground the minute he walked through our door. His pain was palpable. The conversation began about Clark's Moss family line, and they soon discovered they shared a common ancestor. As I watched this playing out before me, I wondered...surely he didn't come to discuss genealogy lines....And then Bryce came in through the back door...I wondered if I should invite him to join us...but instead of going on downstairs as I expected he would do...he walked up and into the kitchen. I introduced my friend to Bryce with the explanation that his son had taken his own life on Wednesday this week.

Bryce gasped and immediately reached out to shake my friend's hand. And then Bryce surprised all of us and joined us in the family room to participate in the conversation. Having just met Bryce, my friend explained: " I had to come over this morning to let you know you are loved!" We were all stunned into complete silence, and tears filled our eyes and fell down our cheeks, all of us were overcome with the love this friend was offering our Bryce. Before any conversation began he asked Bryce if he would be alright with the things we would talk about. He certainly didn't want to add to his pain. The compassion that emanated from this grieving father was breathtaking in it's intensity. We went on to talk for an hour, both about my friends' freshly wounded heart, and the peace he had been given even as he agonized over the loss of his son. And then we shared a little of Bryce's experience. 

Each of us shared something unique. Clark shared that just as we had been taught by a General Authority...who himself struggled with his own wayward children...we all need to rejoice in the gift of agency that each of us has been given. Each of us has to decide how we will use our agency, but it was a gift! 
Bryce shared that there is not usually anyone who can penetrate the plan of suicide permanently. That in the dark abyss of self loathing and depression, ending the pain often seems the only truly viable option. 
I shared that each of us is responsible for our choices, and that none of us can assume the responsibility of another's choices or consequences. 
Clark added...that is us trying to replace the Savior. Paying the price for another's choices is His divine role...not ours!

Our new friend told Bryce he will check up on him from time to time. And wave at him as he passes, so Bryce will know there are people who love and care for him.
After the hugs, he added, 
"You have a beautiful home...I mean it's beautiful what I feel here." It was a completely unexpected compliment, but I knew he'd also contributed to the Spirit in our home by what he had so selflessly done, and taught us all this morning.

Bryce went outside for a minute, and then as he came back inside he said simply, "That was awesome!" We talked about what had just happened...Bryce said "I just had the very clear impression that his son was happily doing missionary work on the other side of the veil. He was no longer struggling or in pain. I also know Bronson was in the throng of family and ancestors of this young man who greeted him with love and joy! I asked Bronson to give him a hug for me."

Bryce went on to say that the real miracle in his life is- that when he opened his eyes in the Hospital the first thing he remembers is my smiling face, so happy to see him. He said he felt pure confusion at my response....he's just tried to kill himself...and I was smiling and telling him I loved him. He's been blown away at how many virtual strangers love him. Slowly in his recovery he has finally been able to let go of the negative self loathing he has lived with in his head for so long...and he has slowly being able to accept the love so many offer him. He said recently he read that the success of recovery is in large measure due to the miracle of love. As he is learning to love himself, he's able to receive love and give it to others equally as freely as it has been offered to him.

Pretty powerful things this beautiful fall Saturday. Yet the thing that dwarfed all else as time went by...this friend in an agony of his own grief, didn't want to pass up an opportunity, to let Bryce, who may still be struggling... know that he loved him...even having only known of Bryce through us. Yet here he sat- in our home, impeccably dressed for a Saturday morning, and in the throws of his own personal excruciating grief, and he sought to offer love to another.

 A scripture came to mind, Luke 22:44 "And being in an agony he prayed...." Here before my very eyes I had witnessed quite possibly the most Christ-like service in a man filled to overflowing with heartache and personal pain, to a degree I honestly hope I will never know. And being in an agony... he was determined to make sure Bryce knew he was loved. 

There are no words.

Ahhh Fall...

I love milestones...maybe it's a way to acknowledge progress. Maybe it's an opportunity to celebrate our lives. Whatever the driving force behind marking the milestones, the work we are doing in our lives to improve ourselves should be a reason to celebrate.

Yesterday was Bryce's 90 days sober and clean! We took him out to lunch and did the whole corny toast to his recovery! We really are so proud of his efforts. He is doing so well at his job...he has been given a raise and a promotion. I'm not aware of any job he's had that either of those things have happened in his past. He's knocking their socks off with his performance and work ethic. Pretty impressive stuff!

The struggle is still real, and daily, but he's doing recovery one day at a time. Yesterday he told me that recently he was looking at his license plate on his car, and ever the numbers and patterns guy....came up with this: 

                                      F07 3HL                   "Fought thru hell" 

It took me a minute to get it...can you see it? He certainly has fought his way back to this life he has now. Just as his Dad and Gary blessed him to do that night in the ER. And I am so grateful and pleased he continues to choose to fight. He truly is amazing...and an inspiration to me and others.

He has instigated our family prayers each night this last week. And slowly as the days went by he told us he has felt a different spirit in his life as we've had those prayers, together,as a family. He laughs more and reacts to Clark's teasing with some of his own. 

My sweet friend Bella posted this recently:

"The trees are about to show us how lovely it is to let things go." 🍂🍁

I absolutely loved this! We all have to let things go from time to time. Some are painful even, as we progress, develop and grow. However every fall, here in Utah, the very handiwork of God Himself...show us how to do it with beauty and grace and dignity. Then as the glorious fall slowly morphs into winter, I am reminded again that for all it's breathtaking beauty...too soon, the fall leaves will flutter slowly to the earth below, as the colder nighttime air creeps into the mountains above and the valleys below. Trees become bare, eventually the snow will cover everything, and the world will be all-white and silent again. Then before we know it...the weather begins to warm up...the snow melts...the green buds are ready to burst on the trees, and slowly the branches are transformed into a cacophony of color and life. The cycle of life begins again. 

So this fall I vow to follow the example of these glorious leaves...and accept change as it comes. I am going to remind myself to strive harder for a balanced life. I am going to pray to be more intuitive to others needs...to reach out and be kind, and love others. I will try to relieve their burdens and suffering, even if all I can do is offer a genuine hug. And while the world outside goes through her graceful changes, I will work on my own changes, and try to be a better me.

And I promise to remember more often that God is in His heaven...and though sometimes I might question...All is well in the world. Or it will be in His divine and perfect timing. And I will try to recognize that change, though hard at times, is ultimately for my benefit. I need to trust more completely Him who molds me...because He loved me first, and loves me still.


 

All is well.

I have often heard the expression "Remember where you were when Pres Kennedy was shot?"
However, as I was not living in the United States when it happened..this expression had little meaning for me personally. Now, now I understand the expression. 

Our kids had just come home from early morning Seminary in California on the morning of the attacks. We turned on the TV and watched in stunned, silent horror as the events were unfolding on the other side of the country. In those early minutes as the attacks spread from the Towers in lower Manhattan...to a field in Pennsylvania...to the Pentagon...real fear gripped my heart as I knew we were only miles from one of the Nation's Nuclear Facilities...what if...the images were terrifying.

Then I thought about Trevor...who traveled all over the globe for Qantas...praying he wasn't on one of those planes...I dialed him, not caring what time it was in Australia...he answered the phone, and of course already knew more than we did.

Somehow there seemed to be some kind of surreal disconnect between the images I was looking at and the reality of the situation. It couldn't be possible....and then when the Towers began the swift disintegration of destruction...I watched the cloud of dust and debris racing towards the cameras....tons of twisted, melting steel collapsing on so many first-responders ...and others. Others who had gone to work that morning like they did every other day...only this day would not ever be like any other day any of us had ever experienced.

My heart ached for the loss of life. I prayed fervently for those working on recovery and rescue. 
Later this image became my favorite of that unspeakable disaster. It seemed to capture so much.

Later I stood at ground zero and I saw the crater left by that senseless act of hate.

Later I walked the beautiful, peaceful, reverent replacement grounds created in honor of the victims.

The twin lights seemed such a beacon of hope...when all seemed to be lost.
The reflection...life for some of us did go on, and today we stand united and stronger against hate.
Today again I am so grateful for the first-responders...who climbed to their death while they gave their all to save as many as possible.
There were many who were spared...they felt impressed not to go into work that morning. I hope they can rise above the survivors guilt and live again to make the world better.
I also remember that churches were filled to overflowing after the attacks.
I remember the companies making American flags...were sold out for months.

I remember the first General Conference after this time of pain.
I remember President Hinckley saying, "Are these perilous times? They are. But there is no need to fear. We can have peace in our hearts and peace in our homes. We can be an influence for good in this world, every one of us."

So as we come upon yet another anniversary of that disastrous day, 9/11, I feel grateful for the answers to prayers I have known. I am grateful to have leaders to follow, who know the path to take. I feel grateful to know good men and women continue to serve as first-responders. And most importantly I hold tight to my knowledge of my loving Heavenly Father, who knows me and loves me. And Jesus Christ, who as my Savior, has given His all that I may have a way back home for Eternity.

Hope and peace can live in this less-than-perfect world.
I continue to look forward to the day Satan will be bound from this earth.
In the mean time I choose to do all that I can to wrap those I love in the sacred security of the Holy Ghost.

Always remember...never forget...all is well.

Home-made Icecream

We've made a lot of home-made Ice cream at our house over the years. And to get the 'perfect' ice cream there has to be the calculated balance of time, ingredients, coldness, salt and churning. There have been times when after what seemed like forever...the ice cream maker is finally silenced...and slowly and carefully the lid is raised....and we are flooded with disappointment as the mixture is runny and under-developed. Frustratingly we re-start the maker, add more ice, churn it again...Eventually when that delicate, somewhat elusive balance has been met, then when that little lid is raised and we look inside....we are delighted to see peaks of soft, perfect, ice cream. First comes the "phew" because we are finished...then comes the laughter as we eagerly anticipate the delightful perfection of-    ICE CREAM!

Later we ponder that perfect balance, quite necessary to the perfect ice cream. Sometimes we get it right the first time....and other times we must make more effort and attempts. 
But that balance is what we are aiming for. 

Today as I came into my wakefulness, and consciousness began tug at me, thoughts began to filter into my mind and heart. And slowly the painful events of yesterday's final goodbye with Dakota, moved into focus. At first I wanted to pretend it was all just a bad dream...but then I knew...it was real. We had said goodbye to a beautiful soul, tortured at times for sure, but a light on earth had been extinguished, and no amount of hopes or tears could change that. I laid perfectly still, afraid that if I moved my heart would break into a million pieces and all would be lost. 

Slowly my room began to fill with light, as the sun started to appear over the mountain top. When those heavenly shards of perfect light began to reach toward me, I knew with certainty that just like my ice cream the perfect balance for Dakota had been achieved. He had done all God required him to do. Heavenly Father had taken Dakota home, no longer to struggle and suffer with the mortality of earth life and the imperfect physical body. Now Dakota was free to learn and grow and be with those he had lost to death prior to his own.

Just like my ice cream each of us is prepared by loving Heavenly Parents, given the perfect environment of ingredients to become who we are supposed to become, then we are surrounded by such cold...pain & heartache...and churned...tested and tried...sometimes when we think all is lost and we can't go on-Father lifts the lid and peaks in. Sometimes some of us are complete, and sometimes others need more churning to become so. And while many of us would argue that Dakota wasn't quite done here yet...our loving, all-knowing Father has said...now is the time. Dakota has been lifted out of the cold, the struggle and the pain here. He was met with laughter, and family & friends who celebrated his arrival with tears of more joy and more love than I can ever perceive exists.

Slowly I begin to heal as I glimpse the Eternal Plan. I will see him, and Craig and many others that I love again someday. Until then I need to do my best to endure and learn the cold, the churning, the tests lovingly determined by Father to make me how I am to become,the peeking by Heavenly Father....all to see when I am done to perfection. 

I have never in my life been so surrounded by tangible sadness, as I was yesterday. I watched so many heartbroken and lost, struggle to come to terms with this separation from our sweet Dakota. It tore at me and beat me up pretty badly. Ultimately I had to walk away, I love each of them so much! However the hopelessness was strangling my core belief...I do live with hope for life after this vale of tears. I know exactly where Craig & Dakota are. I also know that I agreed to much of this life's tests before I ever left Father's presence to accept this mortal body and experiences.

My heart no longer aches for Dakota, I'll miss him for sure. But my heart is hurting for his siblings and parents, and children and friends for whom the struggle is still real. Their lives 
are in the churning, surrounded by the cold, I wish they would reach for God's warmth. It breaks my heart all over again as I hold them while we sob in an agony. But I am richly blessed to have warmth and light in my heart nurtured by God. And while my tears may still flow I am doing all I can to be ready when He lifts the lid...and pronounces me perfect to go back home with Him. 

And another day begins....I think I'll make some ice cream.

Love ya Koda Bear! 

I hate addiction

My sweet nephew Dakota, died of an overdose early this morning. His father, my brother Craig died the same way 15 years ago. As I have tried to process this tragedy, the level of personal pain, the depth of fear, and the heartache that accompanied this news rocked me to my very soul. My heart is aching for Dakota's Mom Jeni, for my Mother Gwen. All the emotions of how close we came to losing Bryce, just bubbled up in a fury to the surface. 
We both sobbed as I told Bryce, he kept saying "I am so sorry Mom...I am so sorry Mom...at least he doesn't have to suffer anymore." I told him Dakota had finished rehab, completed the sober living house, and had moved into an apartment with one of the guys at the house...and now he's gone home to his Dad in Heaven. Slipping through the veil alone, I have no doubt Dakota went straight to his father's loving arms, and was surrounded by so many other friends, and his family...never to be alone again!  

My sadness turned into white-hot anger next. I wanted someone to blame. I wanted someone to pay! I wanted this not to be true. When does any addict get to win? I knew anger is the second emotion...and it served absolutely no purpose, except to mask the pain. I acknowledged that I needed to feel the pain, to ask Christ to ease that pain, rather than act foolishly myself. I let the anger go. I knew if I stayed in the anger I would be giving control to Satan. I needed to stay close to the Lord and have His Spirit to be with me. I needed His enabling power as I face the family today...they need to know of Heavenly Father's love. They need hope of where Dakota is now.

Yesterday I kept getting the prompting to fill my car up with gas...I continued to ignore it, thinking I'll do it when it's more empty. I am paying for that poor choice today. However yesterday I was also asked to give the opening prayer in Sacrament Meeting, which I accepted readily. No one would have faulted me, this morning to have Clark do it for me...but I realized that Heavenly Father knew yesterday when I was asked, what my morning today would be like, so I decided to do it. Clark was ready in the moment to step in for me. But as I read (rather than sang) the opening hymn I felt the peace only the Savior can bring, trickle into my heart and fill me to overflowing. 

...And may our thoughts still turn to Thee, 
With loved ones, friends, and family. 
In all we do till day is gone, 
may worship still continue on.
Help each to seek a quiet hour 
To read Thy word and feel Thy pow'r. 
To hear Thy voice, though small and still, 
Renew our strength to do Thy will.
Father on this Sabbath day, Be with us gathered here, we pray. 
Father on this Sabbath day, Be with us in our homes we pray. 
Father on this Sabbath day, Be with us in our hearts, we pray.
Hymn #148 Sabbath Day 

Enveloped in His tender arms, I felt His peace. Slowly I walked to the front, and prayed, I invited His spirit to attend our meeting, without a tear. What a testimony of the power of Christ's atoning, enabling power! He is my Savior!
Friends wrapped me in their arms as they came to know. All of them also asked how Bryce had taken the news. Their love helps heal my grieving broken heart! 

I hate addiction! I have watched the destructive power of addiction tear Dakota's family apart. And I realized this morning that maybe one of the reasons addiction is all around each of us, and is so prevalent in the final scenes on this earth is because once Satan has led someone to addiction...he can walk away because he no longer has to play an active role in destroying that child of God. Addiction does his work for him...and he moves on to another.

And so as I ache I step forward through this hard day, as I try to comfort Dakota's family, I continue to pray for His sustaining power. With a prayer in my heart, I will try to live my life, that others may want to be closer to Christ, because they know me.

When there's no peace on earth, there is peace in Christ.
He gives us hope when hope is gone.
He gives us strength, when we can't go on.
He gives us shelter, in storms of life.
When there's no peace on earth, there is peace in Christ. 

Many of you know we follow little Claire Ryann Crosby she and her Dad Dave sang this beautiful song when it was released to coincide with the YM/YW theme this year.
You can see them singing it on Utube  https://davecrosby.bandcamp.com/track 

I testify, there is peace in Christ, only He who bore our sins, pain and heartache, can bring us peace and hope and strength! He has, He is, and He will.

To nap or not to nap...

I finished work early today and felt completely unmotivated to do much at all. So I slowly climbed the stairs to my bedroom and climbed under the sheet, and closed my eyes.
However the brief nap I had thought I might be able to take...never materialized.

Instead my brain suddenly switched on and I came to realize that my fear of planning ahead, and my inability to commit to much beyond work...and  a little of my calling...were merely attempts to silence the march inside my head. I craved silence, stillness, and yet they continued to evade me. I realized as I lay there that my real fear was that in those coveted and occasional moments of quiet, the reality of what I had been through with Bryce's attempt clawed at me- demanding to be believed, and shared else I feared they would eventually squeeze the very life out of me. I didn't want the quiet as much as I wanted the reality of suffering to be silenced. However today I realized, I had to give this reality a voice. I needed to keep writing, until all the words had been expressed. Not only did I hope by doing this, that I would achieve peace...but I knew the responsibility of speaking this aloud continued to weigh heavily on my shoulders.

I had stopped writing because I couldn't do it any more. It seemed like my desire to write had just evaporated. I was so emotionally spent. When I began to blog about Bryce, I thought it would be a way to disseminate information because I didn't think I was capable of telling the graphic details repeatedly. And yet somehow now that we were living in this new normal with Bryce...somehow something felt incomplete, undone..unfinished.

And suddenly I felt a shift within my heart and head, and I knew I had to write again. Images of that fateful night came in to such perfect clarity, how the events unfolded took my breath away. Suddenly I knew they were not only real, but Divinely guided. Every step of this journey has been under His gentle guidance. Events that have no mortal explanation, stand as a living testimony to a God who loves each one of us. They testify of His divine plan for each of us. And that alone gives me hope, again.

Each of us carries heavy burdens at times. No one is exempt from mortal trials. There is meaning and reason behind them, if we can look at them as opportunities to grow. 

Recently a dear friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer. As she began her chemo today, it caused me to reflect on other dear people who have also struggled with this insidious disease. My heart aches for them all. Then my dear Bishop came very close to losing his sweet wife last week, in a freak post-surgery problem. As I have prayed for her recovery, and watched him and his family rally to her side, I am again reminded that mortality is for our trials. No trial here follows us across the veil...they are only for this life.

How grateful I am to learn and grow by not only my trials, but in watching others struggle with theirs. And then my heart aches for all of those whose pain and struggle is just as real except I may be completely unaware of it. Those who water their pillows at night with the tears of loneliness, frustration, shaken faith, and heartache for things they cannot change.

How our pain must fill Heavenly Fathers heart, for He loves us so! I think of how our dear Savior paid the ultimate price for all our sins and suffering! How often do I think I can handle my life and trials myself. How my suffering or struggle is too insignificant to trouble the Savior, creator of the world. How wrong I am. As I watch my children and grandchildren struggle...I often wish I could take away their pain. We all do I am sure. But we can't. 
Only one of us can...The Savior of the World. The Son of God. 
The ultimate and perfect mediator, for us. Jesus Christ. 

And so as I watch the sky grow darker, foreshadowing the close of yet another day, I am grateful for the insights of this day. I am so grateful for the desire to write again. I love to write. And slowly I will keep adding to the book I have been told to write, the light I need to shine on the reality of addiction, drug abuse and suicide. I am grateful to be an instrument in the hand of God. He has blessed me with many gifts, and so I must go forward blessing others with the gifts I have been given.

To each of us who hurt, please know you are not alone. Many from the other side of the veil stand near and are more willing and able than any of us realize to intervene and lift us all. 
God is good. We are loved. Every one of us.

#36yearslovingLover

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away....ok so maybe just 36 years ago in Orem...

Lover & I became a new family. He asked...I said  "yes" and our new chapter began. 

With my hand firmly in his we have trudged our happy road of destiny, here in mortality.

Holding each other close we have gone through the shadowy valley's of heartache, often feeling tattered and torn we have emerged, and climbed up to the next mountain top. 

Pausing at the peaks, we have been blessed with beautiful vistas, our ability to see farther enhanced by the struggles we have survived.

Together we have always remained firm in our commitment that for us divorce is not an option. Though at times tempted to take, what seemed the easier path, we have remained totally committed to each other, our faith in Jesus Christ and His ability to heal our hearts, and our ability- through His Atonement, to keep moving forward together.

We have loved, laughed and sometimes lost, weeping and in pain, but this wild ride we call life, has been pretty amazing! 

Lover has been my rock, my playmate, the arms to hold me as I weep, he has brought smiles to my face, especially when I didn't feel like smiling. He has been my support when I felt weak, my cheerleader when I hesitated, my example when I stumble, he is the lift in my wings when I have the chance to soar, my soft place to land when I crumble, my number one fan of each achievement.

I have so loved having Lover in my every breath of this life. His dedication to the covenant path, his willingness to worthily bear and use the Priesthood of God, his selfless kindness and continuous thoughtfulness often take my breath away. I have wondered how I was ever capable to find and marry the perfect man for me. I only can thank my Heavenly Father for orchestrating this incredible blessing I call marriage.

And so on this our 36th anniversary, my heart soars at the thought of having him at my side for Eternity! 

I pause today to thank you, Lover, from every part of my soul I rejoice in who you are to me, and say Happy Anniversary to you my love! Thank you for the last 36, and I eagerly anticipate another 36 and more through the end of time.

I love you...you complete me!