Trials and blessings

Oh where to begin? These last few weeks have been difficult to focus on the Lord rather than on Bryce. I felt Bryce was really struggling, we haven't seen him this quiet and withdrawn in a long time, and we were worried. But I clung to the assurance that I was trying to accept the Lord's directive, and He knew all that was going on with Bryce. Looking back I have been able to see how His plan is perfect. I can see how I would likely have derailed His perfect plan, if I had not been focused on the Lord. I can see how my testimony has been strengthened, and I can see tremendous value in recording the Lord's Tender Mercies each night before bed.

As the days rolled along I was getting a bit worried, but remained firm in my resolve, to the point that there were a couple of times I literally had to walk away from Bryce...biting my tongue so as to not speak. Then Bryce finally opened up a little and told us he was still struggling with suicidal thoughts. I can honestly say, I didn't panic! I knew the Lord knew the situation exactly. 

Then a day or two later Bryce seemed a little brighter so I commented on that. He replied, " I asked Heavenly Father to take away my desire to die. And He did!" I think my heart may have stopped mid-sentence, but then we both cried together. I realized that Bryce's experience, or answer to his heart-felt prayer would never have happened, had I not been following the Lord's directive. Humbled, and awed, and deeply grateful, I saw the Lord's perfect plan being unfolded before my very eyes.

President Jones (during our recent Stake Conference) invited all of us to record daily our spiritual experiences where we saw the Lord's influence in our lives. Every night I am amazed at the days events, seeing with new eyes the peace and beauty of knowing He is there for me. 

This morning as I was reading about Lehi, I paused as I realized suddenly this age-old scripture appeared differently to me this morning.
 1 Nephi 2:3
"And it came to pass that he was obedient unto the word of the Lord, wherefore he did as the Lord commanded him." 

Lehi was immediately obedient. However he left everything and everyone he was comfortable with and set out into the wilderness! Yes he was obedient but his life was very hard. He was living in a tent, after enjoying great wealth in Jerusalem. He had many trials and struggles and difficulties in his immediate family. But he continued to be obedient and the Lord blessed him. 

So often I think if I am obedient then the blessings will come...however the truth of it is that yes indeed the Lord's blessings come, but not always as I think they should be. I realized that somewhere in my head I had attached specific blessings I wanted and felt they would be realized as I continued to be obedient. Forgetting the Lord's will and the Lord's timing, and the Lord's perfect plan.

This last week with Bryce helped me to understand how I must be immediately obedient and that's where my control should end. I don't get to control how I will be blessed. This experience afforded me a new perspective. One I sorely needed.

Again I feel the need to express my gratitude to each of you for your continued love, support and prayers. I feel them. I know we are not alone, during this trail of trials called mortality. For that I am eternally grateful.

He sang! Oh JOY!

The end of our bench in church was still empty as I bowed my head for the opening prayer. Bryce had responded positively about coming, yet my fear and faith were continuing to wage war within my aching heart. Suddenly I felt the bench move, peeking I saw Bryce bowing his head in silence. HE CAME!! 
After the prayer, I smiled at him. My heart was happy.

Then a few minutes later it happened...as the strains of the Sacrament hymn began, he reached for the other hymnbook, I watched completely mesmerized as he opened it up. His lips were already moving with the familiar words as he found the right page. 
And then it happened......he sang. He sang. 

Jesus of Nazareth, Savior and King
Triumphant over death, Life Thou didst bring.
Leaving Thy Father's throne, on earth to live,
Thy work to do alone, Thy life to give.

While of this broken bread, humbly we eat,
Our thoughts to Thee are led in rev'rence sweet.
Bruised, broken, torn for us on Calvary's hill--
Thy suff'ring borne for us Lives with us still.

As to our lips the cup gently we press,
Our hearts are lifted up; Thy name we bless!
Guide us where'er we go, Till in the end
Life evermore we'll know Through thee, our friend.

I looked heavenward and felt my heart bursting with joy. I was awed at the depth of the joy I felt...even as the dam burst in my eyes and tears escaped. I marveled at his ease, and he sang every word. I remember it took me months after his attempt to be able to sing. I just couldn't sing with such a shattered heart. And here he was a living, breathing testament to answered prayers, faith, and joy filling his once-empty battered heart and singing in church.

I remembered an oft-used phrase throughout the scriptures about how full our joy would be one day when we had done all that we needed to do here and would return to the loving glorified presence of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. It was suddenly hard to imagine feeling more joy than I was currently experiencing. 

As I reflected on the outpouring of blessings and answers to prayers I have experienced in just the last few days, the word Joy kept reverberating in my soul. 
                                    JOY...an acronym - Jesus Others You. 
As I had focused on Christ, coming unto Him, conscientiously placing Him first in my life, and then immediately following His direction, incredible miracles happened. 

Later Bryce said he enjoyed the meeting and even took some notes on his phone. 
He said." I was trying very hard not to cry, as I knew there were people there that were watching me. He said I did pretty good until the closing hymn....Families can be together forever. I used to sing that one to myself clear back in junior high when I was having a hard day." The calm, peace in his soul has been evident again these last few days and it leaves me speechless. His knowledge, understanding and experience with Eternal families...on both sides of the veil has been both a burden and a blessing to him. As a twin for eternities before this world began, that knowledge often has left him feeling very alone here in mortality. Yet even in his darkest hours, he has been sustained and supported by his family from the other side of the veil. He knows Families can be- and are together forever already.

As the day winds to a close, I can hear the wind howling outside as the next snowstorm approaches...Helaman 5:12 comes forcefully to mind...

"And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."

While each of us has felt we were in that gulf of misery, we didn't stay there! It wasn't endless for us or Bryce, because of Christ our redeemer. Christ passed through it all for us, shining His light into our darkness, and gently led us to the light again. Oh blessed day!

Tip-toeing on Sacred ground

Yesterday as I was studying Matthew 4 where Christ was invited by the Holy Spirit to go to the mountain to "be with God" We all know Satan followed and proceeded to offer all manner of temptations to the 40-day-fast-weary Savior. As I read and pondered how do I "be with God" I reflected on these past two weeks as I have struggled and asked "what would Thou have me to do?' with Bryce. Bryce seems to be stuck, and nothing I could think of would change that. I had been praying to know the Lord's will.
Silently the whispers of the Spirit came clearly to my mind..."This time of not knowing what to do with Bryce is a time of personal preparation. You need not to focus on Bryce, but instead turn to the Lord and prepare yourself- that you may be worthy and ready to be the instrument in the Lord's hand when it is right." I paused as I processed the answer I had been given. Then I accepted it and moved forward through the remainder of my study time.

The sweetness of this experience lingered in my heart and was never far from my thoughts all day. When frustrations over Bryce began to bubble into my heart, I chose to turn to the Lord. Peace was my reward.

Later that afternoon I was surprised to take a call from my friend Gary Little. Elizabeth wasn't feeling well and he knew he was supposed to give me their tickets for the annual CES Evening with a General Authority. In a heartbeat I accepted his kind offer. The speaker was to be Elder Rasband. I smiled, I had taught Seminary with his sister Nancy years ago in California. How fitting that as a former CES Seminary Teacher I was being given this wonderful opportunity. As I went to pick up the tickets my heart reminded me of my invitation to turn to the Lord just that morning. This surely displayed my willingness, and again peace filled my tattered heart.

Clark and I entered the Tabernacle on Temple Square and quickly found seats. Within just a few minutes the hum of the Tabernacle audience suddenly hushed and we all rose as Elder Rasband walked on to the stand. The meeting began and the Spirit was palpable! I looked around at all the faithful, dedicated CES teachers and felt humbly blessed to be in their midst. The meeting proceeded until it was time for Elder Rasband to speak. 

We sat in wondering awe as Elder Rasband proceeded to speak of his, and his Brethren's, deep concern over the alarming increase in teen and young adult suicide. He gave some horrifying statistics, and then as he continued to speak, we felt of his love and hope. He called us 'first responders' in the daily lives of our youth as we teach and testify of Christ and His love for each of His children. He lifted, encouraged, supported and loved as he enlisted our aid to help those who need help, obvious or not-so-obvious. My tears ran freely as I pondered this very singular experience. I marveled at the majesty of this miracle for us to be on this sacred ground. This was no coincidence...this I knew was a direct result of following  sacred whispers this morning. I promised I would "turn to the Lord" and He set in motion a series of events resulting in us being here. I literally sat at the feet of one of the Lord's special witnesses of the Lord Jesus Christ, and felt wrapped in His loving arms.

As we drove home, a little stunned at what we'd just experienced, I received a text from Gary..."Umm I had no idea that would be the topic. I've never seen anything like that before in my career." He quickly went on to say, "Stake YW Presidency. You are a first responder. You and Clark are uniquely qualified to lift and educate. Don't carry the weight of that responsibility right now. Just know that Heaven trusts you and loves you!" 

As the tears continued to fall Clark and I knew that Gary had articulated exactly what we had felt. Heavenly Father was completely aware of our struggles and desires. He wanted us to know He was hearing and answering our prayers. He is executing His Perfect Plan for each of us, Bryce included. I am in humble awe as occasionally I am privileged to witness as the Lord parts the veil and I am allowed to see His plan unfolding before my very eyes. So it was in that moment.

Bryce met me at the door when we arrived home and smiled as he said, "I've slept all I can sleep. I am ready to re-enter my life." His eyes shined with a new light and I was stunned into silence. This morning he came up and asked what we needed help with today...oh and can you please iron my shirt for church tomorrow? I deserve an award for my acting as I appeared to take all this in stride....

Bryce later told me he had a very distinct impression to stop gaming this morning. Which he did, and came upstairs. He knew an AA meeting wasn't going to cut it, he HAD to be in church tomorrow. He considered going back to gaming when he learned we were going out, but suddenly he had no desire to game. He knew he wasn't to do it.

I smiled as I recognized more blessings as the Lord's plan was being fulfilled. Hope filled my heart as I watched his sparkling eyes. Maybe...just maybe...

Perspective in pain.

Lover and I did a day trip to Southern Utah for a quick visit with Judy, our other Mother, on Friday. The time together, coupled with some warmth and sunshine, did wonders for us both. As we laughed together about silly things, I realized it had been a long time since we'd laughed and played together. We had a lovely visit with Judy and came away feeling so grateful for her in our lives. 

On the way home a friend suggested I watch the movie Beautiful Boy. The title was familiar to me, as I remembered several others suggesting it as a resource for the challenges we are facing. Clark didn't want to watch it so I started watching it on my phone. Eventually Clark went to bed, and I felt the need to finish it. It was hard to watch, it taught me things I didn't fully understand before, it hurt my Mother's Heart, and it left me wondering about the remainder of the journey we have with Bryce. It also gave me pause about sharing my story with others...and what that would look like and ultimately be like. I lay perfectly still where I was watching the movie, as I attempted to process all I had seen and experienced. My mind started to take me down some very dark and painful paths. Then I discovered I literally couldn't move. I was paralyzed by this dark torture, I was alone. By the time about twenty minutes had passed and I couldn't shake these thoughts, or have my legs respond...the fear began to build inside me. Suddenly the thought came to me, "Read your Patriarchal Blessing." It's on my phone so I quickly pulled it up. Slowly I read. I remembered the day I had received it. I read it again. I read it again, and then the feeling came back into my legs and the light of Christ's enabling Atonement gently edged out the darkness, the fear, the black thoughts. Tears ran down my face as I slowly sat up and acknowledged all I had just experienced. I realized it had been almost twelve hours since I'd had contact with Bryce. And again my thoughts tumbled to the worse case scenarios ...but I didn't have the strength to go downstairs to check on him. Yes often my fear, overwhelms my faith, in this reality.

As I lay my head on my pillow I heard him in the kitchen, he was ok, and then I fell asleep with a smile. However the morning arrived and my heart felt heavy still. I reflected on my conversation with Judy. I'd shared with her that when I look at Bryce I can only see him as he is in this mortal experience. Often he has looked broken to me. However I realize that without the limitations of mortality, Heavenly Father and Christ can see in one glance, all Bryce had become in his pre-earth life, all he is struggling to be here, and where Bryce's journey and choices will take him after he returns to Father. From Father's unique perspective He sees Bryce very differently. He sees Bryce's former glory and who Bryce will become eventually...all at once. By definition Omnipresent. 

I shared this with Bryce later and said..somewhat in jest..."I don't know what you and Bronson cooked up in the pre-earth life, but Heavenly Father has tremendous trust and faith in you two. He sure loves you both." And there are times when the veil is parted ever so slightly for me to glimpse the beautiful soul of this boy, he takes my breath away, and I am not really surprised that Satan wants to destroy him.

Today the things I heard and felt in church were answers to this Mother's prayers. In tender exchanges with some of my 'Saint Squad' I felt loved, and supported. Furthermore in a private moment one friend shared things that the Holy Ghost bore witness were true as she spoke. Her strength, perspective and deep spiritual well is my balm of Gilead. She told me "You have a gift to see the lessons while in the fire, and with your gift of words, you are able to lift others while you are hurting. That is Christ-like! You are elect!"

This time I listened as the Holy Ghost stilled my tongue and testified of truth in that moment. I was humbled. Later she told me if she could have one spiritual gift it would be to let others know how much Heavenly Father loves them. And I think she was given that gift today. I knew exactly what she meant because in my calling in the Stake Young Women Presidency I am often His mouthpiece to the young women. I can literally feel His divine love for those daughters...and I tell them as often as I experience this. I had just not ever considered it a Spiritual Gift before. Oh the things we can learn when we're ready!

As I explore the possibilities of sharing this journey with Bryce in a book, or on a website, my associate asked me how I envisioned success. It is definitely not motivated by money, rather I know it is motivated first and foremost because of my desire to be obedient. It is God's will for me to write and share, not mine!  I know any spiritual gift that we receive, is to be developed and used to bless His children.
The next source of motivation is out of an abundance of desire to lift and strengthen others. Too many of His children are struggling with addictions,drugs, suicide and need to be sustained on the covenant path. 

As I continue on this journey of pain in mortality, I am grateful for the Angels, both seen and unseen, that lift and carry me. My dearest hope is that my telling of these experiences can somehow lift others who may feel alone. As I make transparent my pain, I hope that perhaps my journey will strengthen someone else who will stand taller, knowing they too are children of a King. Divine DNA is within us. He did not send us here to fail, the very idea is ludicrous! He armed us, taught us, prepared us, and loved us enough to give us the hard things to do, because He knows who we are! And we are His, Christ bought us and paid for all our sins, weaknesses and pain. His very palms testify of His love for each of us. Walk tall you're a daughter of God! I choose hope again.

Hope, a principle of power

As we finished nine Ward Conferences in the last three weeks, I knew Pres Jones was attempting to cover as many of the attributes of Christ as time would allow. It seemed to me that the attribute he chose for each ward was tailored to what someone, in that meeting, needed to hear. In each ward the Spirit was always strong, and his words and testimony were powerful. In the final ward he talked about hope. After just a couple of minutes I quickly, but quietly, reached for my tissues, my tears were ready to escape my eyes....I think it's quite possible that I actually cried silently for the entire talk. As I fervently listened to his every word, I tried to allow the healing waters of his testimony reach my parched and aching heart.

Hope.

In Preach my Gospel the definition of hope is outlined.

"Hope is an abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to you. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance. It is believing and expecting that something will occur. When you have hope, you work through trials and difficulties with the confidence and assurance that all things will work together for your good. Hope helps you conquer discouragement."
President James E Faust taught: "Hope is the anchor of our souls...Hope is trust in God's promises, faith that if we act now, the desired blessings will be fulfilled in the future..."

Perhaps the greatest example of hope is in Jesus Christ's Atonement, for He did indeed have hope as He descend below all things. In that defining moment of His greatest agony, He, even He the Son of God asked His Father to remove the bitter cup, but then said, but not My will but Thine be done. And in that moment Christ chose to have hope, in His Father, in the plan of Salvation, in Himself to endure an indescribable suffering, and thereby do all that had been asked of Him as God's Son.

He chose hope. I heard it, but I failed to internalize it. So Sunday afternoon and evening I struggled against the dreadful reality, that I couldn't feel any hope when it came to Bryce. I was bewildered. I prayed but found no relief. I honestly didn't know what to do.

And then this morning I got up and slowly the divine truth trickled into the painful depths of my very soul.  
      
I must CHOOSE hope. 

It doesn't just show up. I have to choose hope. Along this thorny trail of tears, I must choose hope. When life is hard, seemingly unfair, I must choose hope. When my prayers are the only source of peace, I must choose hope. And I must continue to choose hope. Day after day. Every time I am beaten down. Whenever it feels I will never be happy again, I must choose hope. If I don't then I am in essence choosing spiritual death, or limiting what God can do for me in my life. Indeed hope unleashes the powers of Heaven.

On that fateful night last April, Bryce did not make a good choice first, as he attempted suicide- but literally the second he chose hope, and decided he didn't want to die...legions of Angels rushed to his aid, because he had chosen hope! And that good decision, on the very heels of a really awful one, still brought blessings. As Pres Holland so eloquently stated, "It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ's Atonement shines."

My Patriarchal blessing says, "You will have problems to face, you will have difficulties  in this life and sorrow, but remember, that we are tried and as we overcome these trials so is our faith strengthened and, likewise, our testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. You will not be tried beyond your ability to overcome evil, but remember, that Satan is real, ever striving to thwart the principals of righteousness." Hope is a principal of righteousness...and I will always have agency to choose hope! Hope unleashes the Power of Heaven in my life!
Hope is a principle of power, God's power in my life!

Suddenly this weight on my soul took wings and left. I felt lighter, happier, and yes hopeful!
As Clark and I talked about this experience tonight, he commented that this hope was the root of all things, perhaps the most powerful principle. For without hope, what is there to live for? Why do we keep picking ourselves up? Without hope there would be no need for love, charity, forgiveness, patience, faith, humility, obedience, or endurance. It is the very bedrock of our belief's.

And while perhaps nothing appeared to have changed for me, yet, as I embraced this Christ-like attribute, my heart knew nothing would ever be the same. 

I have hope! And hope is a beautiful thing.

Choose hope! And together we will be victorious! God is good! 

Reading the Blog

It has been a difficult few weeks, I wonder sometimes why at times it seems my life is repeatedly hard and difficult, and then I have these flashes of truly incredible experiences. But why can't that formula be reversed? Perhaps it's just the nature of this earthly experience, I know I learn great things as I struggle, and later...much later as the perspective changes I see what the Lord was teaching me.

We knew Bryce was using again...and we were at a loss to know what we were to do. Neither of us was truly surprised because little by little we watched him pushing against and away from the very  things that would arm him with power when Satan came calling again.

But we also know agency is a gift. Oh how hard sometimes to allow that agency to be managed by someone who is truly struggling. We prayed, we fasted, we listened carefully- hoping to glean some grain of wisdom that would help us parent this precious child. All we knew was that he was supposed to be here with us. And so we waited upon the Lord.

We did a lot of forgiving, and finally Bryce broke down...and we began to pick up the pieces yet again. We learned after some truly hellish experiences that he should have been in a medical facility for this detox. However we pushed on through with him, all the while our hearts were breaking all over again. Sometimes it seems we are caught in one of those revolving doors...going around and around and around again...we also feel like we're saying the same things over and over again. Our hope is that one of these times those oft-repeated words will touch the place in him that God has protected until His timing is perfect, and then we will see the light turn on again in Bryce's soul.

So whilst in this mode of asking the Lord "What would Thou have me to do?" I had a startling impression. I barely had the ability to breathe through it...and I absolutely did not want to internalize it. While I didn't ignore it, it seemed to paralyze me. A few days later, I still remember exactly where I was, it came again.."He needs to read your blog." Now I was genuinely disturbed. I didn't even want to acknowledge the realm of fallout this could potentially cause. I was stunned. So then as I pondered this singular experience, the question came to mind...do you trust the Lord? 

What a question! I knew the answer, but then I began to feel deeper, lean into that trust...how far did it go? How deep was this trust of my Savior, and my Father in Heaven? How far was my reach? Was my trust absolute? Was it Eternal?  

As I searched deeply and thoroughly into my very soul....it seemed on every level I found trust for Them. However knowing I trusted Them and acting on Their commands were two very different things.
Gently the Spirit led me, slowly the realization came- They knew Bryce better than I did. They knew his battered soul, only appeared that way through my eyes. They knew Bryce was a valiant son of God. Bryce had already proven himself worthy in the eternal realms before his mortal birth. I must try to look at him through Their eyes. 

Yesterday after another horrible night Bryce came in tears to me, sobbing, he was frightened and had no idea what to do. Before I really even knew what was happening I heard myself say..."Bryce I have had two distinct impressions, that you need to read my blog." I watched his eyes widen at the suggestion, then his face was awash with fear and trepidation. I continued..."just consider it please...this was not my idea."

We have often talked about that if the Lord tells me to do something concerning him, I just had to let him know that, and he would accept it. It's a promise he has always kept even in the darkest of times.

Later as we were planning his next 24 he said, "Tomorrow I'll start reading it." I told him I would be present with him. I was honestly surprised how easily he had accepted this suggestion. I sent out a request to my Spiritual Squad...a very small group of friends who are like-minded in spiritual things as me. I asked them to pray very specifically. 

Each time my fears with their practiced fingers attempted to choke out my faith, I pulled from my newly-discovered well of trust in My Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ...They both knew Father's powerful perfect plan for this chosen son. And so in utter meekness I reached out and drawing upon the power of a specific prayer, I asked them to pray that Bryce can take from this experience, whatever he needs to heal, and that Father's will may be manifest, magnified, glorified and understood.

Bryce began to read, I prayed silently. Bryce read more, and the tears began to fall. I reached for the strength others were sending me on their prayers. Quietly I moved to his side, armed with a box of tissues and a gentle hand on his shoulders. He wept soundlessly, agonizing over what he was reading. He would share later that he remembered parts of his story but not all. He stopped after two or three days of blogging. He went outside to process, but wasn't gone very long when he returned sobbing. I held him and gently whispered "Let it out, let it all out."And then I held on to him as great wracking sobs shook his frame from head to toe. When his sobs subsided he said, "I am so-o sorry!" 
I told him, I know you are, but I have forgiven you, now it's time to forgive yourself.

Pres. Jones comments on forgiveness at our ward conference recently flashed through my mind. He'd said..."there's only room for one on His cross." 
It hit me so powerfully then, and hasn't left. When we fail to forgive...ourselves or others it's as if we are attempting to take His place on the cross! We know that's impossible but....

After Bryce paused his reading he went on to do some writing of his own. He's still processing but told me he intends to keep going. We have a plan for tomorrow's next reading. He asked me to sit with him for awhile yet as he reads, of course I agreed. I told him how proud of him I was and the courage he is demonstrating. Later I kept reading my blog and wept as his story kept unfolding. And with distance and time as perfect moderators, I marveled at the patterns of spiritual gifts that kept emerging. 

What a journey this has been so far, it is not over yet, however I am trying to remember each day all the spiritual gifts I was given during that time. I pause to express my deepest gratitude to my "Squad" I am also grateful to so many who have repeatedly asked after Bryce, and continue to assure me he is in their thoughts and prayers. Please don't stop! I shudder to think where we would be without each of you.

And so as night settles in, I soon will fall to my knees in gratitude for a loving Father in Heaven who knows what each of us need most, for a Savior who gave His all that we might come home to Them. I am grateful for the power of specific prayer and faith-filled friends who take time out of their busy lives to invoke Heaven's blessings on us here. May each of you feel my love for you, is my prayer tonight.

Gifts...from the sea and the Son

Gently I scoop a handful of sand, raising my palm upward, I spread my fingers apart...watching with fascination as the grains fall easily back to the sandy beach below. No matter how often I do this, the outcome remains the same...the sand slides easily between my open fingers and returns to the beach. Sometimes the sun will catch the moving sand and it sparkles, sometimes a gentle ocean breeze floats past the falling sand, giving it a different destination a little distance away from me. I can easily close my eyes and remember the feel of the gently moving sand across my hand and fingers as my palms empty themselves of their fleeting treasure. 

Since returning from Hawaii in late October, I have felt similar feelings in my heart. As if my life, like the handfuls of sparkling sand, was running at an alarming rate to a destination I did not want to go to. On some level I was being constantly reminded that I couldn't control the outcome of others choices. Even though the consequences of those choices would undoubtedly bring me heartache, on a level I couldn't possibly understand, and truthfully did not want to understand either. Metaphorically speaking, I continued to fill my palms with sand and then my fingers would separate and the sand would fall, ignoring my desires, and nothing I could do would stop that fall.

Afraid of what would spill out onto this page, I have avoided writing for awhile. Sometimes it seems I am able to make sense of my circumstances as I write...but lately the fear of the possible answers (that I may not want to hear and see) has kept me silent. He has been struggling since October, and we believed we'd averted another disaster, when by Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, it looked like he had come back to center in his life. His joy is captured here as his nieces and nephews tried to prevent him from leaving the family gathering.
I love this picture! 

However this reprieve unfortunately didn't last.

In light of these ongoing struggles I turned to my Heavenly Father and was gently reminded to trust Him, and ultimately the only one I can change is myself. So here I am at the New Year contemplating how this change will "come to pass" and the steps I need to take in affecting these changes. Recently I was taught about understanding and then drawing upon the power inherent in things and places that Christ has put His name on. I am compiling a list to assist me in this newly acquired knowledge.

His Temples: Holiness to the Lord
Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ
My prayers: In the name of Jesus Christ
The Sacrament: In the name of Jesus Christ
My callings: Set apart in the name of Jesus Christ
My Marriage: Covenants with Jesus Christ- Children born under that covenant 
Ministering: Representing Jesus Christ
Bishop's Storehouse: Purchasing food storage in a facility dedicated to Jesus Christ
Meetings that begin and end with prayer: In the name of Jesus Christ

My list is by no means complete, and I will continue to add to it. However I am already seeing daily, how His Power is so available to me. I also am seeing that when I am walking the path in the very moment that He wants me to, it easier for Him to direct His Power into my life and experiences...as long as I continue to ask and then use it to bless others around me.

"When you reach up for the Lord's power in your life with the same intensity that a drowning person has when grasping and gasping for air, power from Jesus Christ will be yours. When the Savior knows you truly want to reach up to Him-when He can feel that the greatest desire of your heart is to draw His power into your life-you will be led by the Holy Ghost to know exactly what you should do." Russell M. Nelson.

There it is! I never leave a blog unfinished...this one however has spanned two days, because I needed last nights experiences and this quote! So here is to a year of spiritual growth and seeking opportunities to draw His Power more fully into my life.