After staying at Bryce's bedside for 14 hours yesterday, I finally forced myself to leave. As soon as I began the walk away from him my heart lurched and the tears began to fall. I thought of all the kind friends I have, whose prayers, love and messages to me are truly sustaining me. In that achingly alone moment I thought who can I call? And I realized the only one I wanted to talk to and be with was Clark. In our shared grief we had an unbreakable bond, many tears together, heart-felt prayers and quiet suffering as we watch and wait.
Getting on to the elevator I knew there was One other who knew with perfect empathy, and infinite love and compassion what my aching heart felt and needed...slowly I allowed Him to lift my burdens and lighten my broken heart. His presence was tangible, and my love for my older Brother and Savior Jesus Christ expanded and knew no boundaries.
I stepped out in to the dark but warm night and began to drive through the dark and deserted streets. As I got closer to my home I saw the Mount Timpanogos Temple all lit up- standing like a stalwart beacon shining against the dark sky. I kept my eyes focused on it and was suddenly flooded with the sure knowledge again...we are an Eternal Family. I do know that with all my heart. I know we lived as a family, including Bryce's twin Bronson, and two other unnamed babies, before we came to earth! The veil has been thin between family who have already passed and I know they are also strengthening us from the view. I also know Bryce's children are cheering for him-and anxious to come to earth. These beautiful truths seeped deep into my aching heart, as they did, the Temple became a symbol to me, a beautiful, constant reminder that God honors His covenants with me! And I live my covenants to keep each of my children and grandchildren bound to us for Eternity. I also remembered that these sacred Temples are all over the earth, binding Satan from our lives as we choose to allow that. What power the gospel gives me!
My sweet RS President, (also a Sharon!) stopped in to give me a hug yesterday. It was perfectly timed, and deeply appreciated. I was blessed by her loving ministering! Knowing my abstinence from flour and sugar (our comfort foods usually) she brought me fresh fruit! That was awesome...and yesterday Bryce wanted to eat...but before his food arrived he was starving so I shared my fruit and he moaned in simple pleasure as he eagerly ate! He has continued to eat it and loves it. I also got another hug from such an unexpected source my sweet young friend Kaylee we ran into at the hospital cafe...she was on the final watch of her grandmother (who passed during the night.) I haven't seen her for many years so it was a sweet and tender visit.
And then I can't ever adequately express the pure gratitude I feel for my fellow JetBlue girls (and Derek) who have sent so many kind wishes and prayers and who so willingly have taken my hours for these days, without hesitation. No thought for reciprocating a trade as so often we all do...just working my hours into their already busy schedules and full lives, constantly sending me support and reassurances. What makes this even more remarkable is the vast majority of my co-workers I have never physically met! We all work from home but are remarkably close in contact through our private work FB pages. They inspire me! I love the spirit of love and concern when any of us are struggling with anything. But to this time be the recipient of it...wow! They take my breath away!
Bryce continued to show incremental improvements. His throat was very sore from the intubation, but without it he slowly got some voice back. Little by little they continued to decrease his lines of meds and minerals etc. He had 9 and is now down to one. Although they've been giving him potassium through the night to get his levels out of the danger zone.
He had a bowl of chicken noodle soup and half a grilled cheese sandwich, but the sandwich hurt! He had shrimp pasta and chocolate ice cream for dinner. (About half of both was all he could manage) He is still monitored very closely which means he often drifts off to sleep only to be woken again minutes later. He wants to go home very badly, but I don't have the heart to tell him it may not be for several more days. Clark just took in his favorite sweats, PJ's and shorts because I want to see if we can get him up for a walk. Maybe he'll be encouraged about his stage of healing when he sees the other patients in the Neuro/Shock/Trauma ICU. They told me last night they don't keep too many snacks on that unit as most of the patients aren't eating much! I thought yes most are heavily sedated.
I am grateful to see Bryce's beautiful eyes. He's always had very expressive eyes but I have come to appreciate that blessing on a whole deeper level as there is still so much to be said that can't be just yet.
We did have one conversation I'd like to share.
"Mom I can't remember anything after driving to the hospital.."
Completely unwilling to talk about those ten most terrifying moments of my life!
I said- "You were sedated as soon as you arrived so they could work to save your life."
Me "What do you remember after you went downstairs when we were finished talking?"
Bryce "I took a bunch of Celexa..."
Me "Then what did you do?"
Bryce "I hung out down there for awhile.."
Me " And you wrote me a note...do you remember that.."
I saw awareness flood his eyes, then apprehension, and fear...
Me "And what did you do next?"
Bryce "I came upstairs to wake you up to go to the ER..."
Me "Why did you do that....no reply...you did that because you didn't want to die, you wanted to live!"
He nodded his head as tears filled his eyes...
Me "That's the part you need to focus on, you made a great decision not to die!"
He was emotional and tender a lot during the day, and at one point he said "I just want to cry." Which he did as I held him. Cass and Emma, then Dani and Paul came in. All of whom he was happy to see and feel their love. Grandma Weaver had visited earlier during the day, but he is still sleeping through most of the visits. It's very hard for him to follow someone else's conversation for very long. He remembers some things but not others as his brain heals as well. I so appreciate the sacrifices his siblings are making to drive all the way down and then only staying for a few minutes. They are amazing and continue to all be critical to his healing. Collectively they have chosen not to share any of this situation with their children, at this time. We have very tender-hearted grandchildren who adore Bryce so their parents will monitor that. So if you are related to these remarkable little ones please don't ask about Bryce.
After they had all left he wanted a Father's blessing which Clark freely gave. Bryce was very anxious about being alone that night. He has a "sitter" the hospital assigns a nurse from another floor who MUST remain in his room at all times, until he is cleared by a psychiatrist....eventually. So he is never alone. But he knew the demons of the night were already lurking in his frail mind. He seemed to settle after the blessing and I stayed a bit longer. Finally I let him choose if I stayed during the night, or stayed during the day. I honestly told him I couldn't do 24 hours there. He understood and he said come tomorrow.
So here we are happily passing the 48 hour mark and moving forward. Until we meet again...
No comments:
Post a Comment