Each evening I find myself furtively glancing at the clock more frequently, slowly the hands move towards the inevitable, it's time. I gather my things and move slowly towards the stairs.
The inner battle begins.
One stair at a time.
There is such reluctance to take the next step, as the war rages, gaining intensity within. Fear raises it's ugly head, and I reach for faith, for hope, unsure who will be the victor this night. As I cross the threshold of our bedroom, I take in the furnishings, looking everywhere but the bed. Unable to delay any longer I cross the room, and fall to my knees at my bedside. I plead for strength to face the demons that have become, ironically again, my companions through the night.
My personal sanctuary has been shattered once again. It has taken years, a lot of counseling with divine intervention, and the complete, eternal love and steadying sustaining support of Lover to overcome my childhood filled with sexual abuse, when the nighttime hours of horror was my normal.
And now a different kind of terror plagues the darkest hours of some days.I never know when it will strike, nor what the outcome will be. And for me, control freak that I am, is tough to take. So each night the struggle to allow faith, to overpower fear is real. I reach for the Lord's hand, dig deep to feel the power of prayers from those who know, and slowly rise from my knees and climb into bed.
Beginning January 30th I was awoken from a deep sleep by the sensation of pins & needles all over my body. My brain was so scrambled the only thought I could hold onto was that something was really wrong. I couldn't make out the numbers on my bed-side clock, my vision was so bad. I attempted to get out of bed and stumbled into the wall, unable to stand I fell back on the bed. I was terrified.
Over the last 24 days other symptoms have been part of these too-familiar episodes, brilliant exploding lights in my head, inability to speak and be understood, even severe chest and back pain. Perhaps the worst was the temporary but total paralysis. Unable to move any part of my body, including my mouth, I lay there thinking Clark would find me dead in the morning. Eventually it passed.
With two frantic trips to the ER, countless tests and Doctor visits, gradually we are ruling out possible causes. I have ached to write, but hesitated because maybe somehow doing so would make this nightmare more real. And, I had initially hoped these episodes would turn out to be isolated experiences. Unfortunately that has not been the case.
While there are still no clear answers, it has also been a journey of faith. Step by step the Lord has cleared the path to Doctors, specialists and test availability, towards a resolution. I have been reminded again, of the power of specific prayer, and the miracle of seeing the resulting answers to those specific prayer. I am humbled by the outpouring love of those who know about these episodes and who love me. And those who don't know and have reached out because they have followed the spirit, in their hearts and minds, to express their love by an unexpected visit, bringing flowers (which is my favorite thing ever!) a loving text, a message, a hug or call, or telling me they are praying for me.
I think the hardest thing emotionally for me is recognizing the reality of not knowing what any night will bring.
I woke last night again with the tingling sensation beginning and unbidden I heard myself say, "No, no, no. no. Please no." The last several episodes have not introduced any new symptoms, and have resolved themselves more quickly, without the usual escalation. I am not sure what that even means, if anything at all.
And while the fear-faith battle continues, I have also felt such peace in this storm. Clark & Gary gave me a blessing last Sunday, and Heavenly Father- through Clark, promised me, peace, hope and joy! I love the power behind those feelings! I marvel at the gift of joy, especially in the mists of darkness that are present in my daily life right now. I have had joy. I do have faith. Peace is present more often than not, and I cling to hope every day. How important it is for me to recognize these gifts every day!
So while I still struggle briefly at the beginning of each bedtime hour, as I invite the Lord in, I am strengthened to face the darkness. I often reflect on my blessings. I recall the millions of times The Lord has guided my life, and I know He is The Captain of my Soul, The Master of my destiny, The Source of my joy, and the Giver of good gifts. He does lift me up, He does strengthen me. And in the words of my all-time favorite song by Nik Day,
He gives us hope
When hope is gone
He gives us strength
When we can't go on
He gives us shelter
In the storms of life
When there's no peace on earth
There is peace in Christ.
And now as the shadows begin to flee before the rising sun, so do my fears. God is in His Heaven and alls right with the world...for this sacred moment. And I again fall to my knees in gratitude. Elder Brian Bona taught me a lesson I will never forget, despite all we believe or imagine or think, "God's plan is always working." To the degree I see it depends on my willingness to surrender to Him. That's the entire purpose of this mortal experience- surrendering my will to His, and participating in the unveiling of His Perfect Plan for me.
