Suicide Prevention Week

Suicide prevention week. I have been asked why I am writing a book about our experience with Bryce's suicide attempt. Well, first and foremost because The Lord asked me to. Coming in a very close second is that I hold out the hope that it may help someone to either change their own course of action, or that they may be able to better understand the role mental health plays in this very sad decision, suicide. Far too often there are so many unanswered questions, and feelings of guilt in those left behind. I believe we have been able to get a rare glimpse inside the chaotic darkness of a mind who honestly believes suicide is the only unexplored pathway out of their constant aching pain. And so share I must, to break the silence, the stigma and the shame.

I also believe that we all must work to remove the negative stigma of mental health conditions, and suicide itself. I believe we can all do a better job of being kind to others. Whether we know their pain or not. Aren't we all completely shocked when someone takes their life? Is that feeling not proof enough that we rarely understand another's pain? But the beautiful truth is we do not need to know their pain, we just need to love them. We need to be that one person who isn't afraid of the uglies in other's lives. We need to each be that person that is known, and counted on, to look them in the eye with love, not censure and petty judgement. Sometimes we need to be the one to follow our heart and be unafraid to ask the hard questions, "Are you thinking about harming yourself?" "What can I do to ease your pain?" And then be prepared to hold on tight and not run from whatever answer we are given. Hard as it may be, STAY PRESENT with them! And if necessary stay until more help can arrive. 

The cold hard truth of the matter is that these preventive steps need to be taken early, consistently, and as often as necessary for prevention to be a real reality. As Elder Rasband asked our CES leaders, Seminary & Institute teachers, to be 'First Responders', so too must we. Be that friend, parent, teacher, or leader who is living close to the Spirit and obeying promptings. Be that one noticing others who are withdrawing or isolating, and go be with them. We can each truly make a difference! 

I'll never forget the day my sweet friends Jesse, Blaine and I were sharing our concerns about our sons, she had very recently lost her Spencer, and I was struggling with something Bryce was doing and Jesse quietly said, "I wish I had that problem." What a powerful moment that was, and it's impact on my heart & soul will forever be felt. Her fear of loss had been replaced by in-calculable pain at separation from her wonderful son. 

I am so grateful that we have been able to transition quietly into removing the shame in our conversations with Bryce, and others, about tough stuff. I hope everyone knows I can be counted on to talk about the uglies. So is Bryce, interestingly enough. And having gone down that path and survived- he has taught us so much. Even though suicide lingers on the edge of his mind still, he is learning how to handle that more effectively by sharing. And we can only hope and pray for his future. 

So in this week of prevention my prayer is that each of us can cast aside our fear of conversations about the uglies we all live with daily in mortality. I pray that we each can take on the role of 'First Responders' and let our heart lead us to our own personal power to love others wherever they may be on life's path, including those who have lost someone they love. We all need each other, every day. And I believe hearts, and minds will heal, as we offer pure love to our fellow-travelers here. 

Jello Jiggler Scraps Anyone?

I feel like I am pretty good about obeying the Spirit. I remember the one piece of advice my Mum gave me as I went off to college was, "When you are feeling down, do something for someone else." That counsel was etched on my heart after the first week of school. We had a friend living in Rexburg who cared for her elderly mother, and I knew her sweet Mom was declining and as I struggled with feeling a bit out of sorts on that Saturday night...my Mum's words floated into my mind. Then I began to argue with the Spirit...it was dark, I'd have to walk there alone, I'll go tomorrow. You can probably guess the outcome of this experience by now. Yes, the following morning my friend called to tell me her Mother had passed away in the early hours that morning. I was upset and vowed I would always do the Lord's bidding from then on. Even the errands He sends me on that seem very odd. Like the time I was making Jello Jigglers for a Stake Primary Activity, and the Spirit said take the scraps to Jenny...Yes that gave me pause as I thought what in the world will Jenny think? However He was pretty insistent, so I covered the pile of 'edges' with plastic wrap and dropped them off at her door with an "I love you." note on top. Later that day when she came home from work she called me in tears. "I just had the worst day at work, how did you know I love Jello Jigglers scraps?" You see I didn't know that about her. But God did! I have many stories of being led to do something for someone else. I have been true to my vow, with very few exceptions. 

Friday found Bryce and I in yet another courtroom, as he is diligently cleaning up his past messes. As is usual with these court hearings, we'd been waiting for his turn for over an hour. Then the judge called up this lady, who looked well put-together, dressed and spoke nicely, and stood out from the parade of folks we'd already witnessed. Then she had our undivided attention as she seemed determined to plead guilty of discharging a firearm in her home. The story began to unfold piece by painful piece, when the judge said, "Why did you do it?" She answered, "I was trying to take my life." Tears filled my eyes as she continued, and I had to put my hand over my mouth to stifle the sob that was trying to escape. She finally told him she had lost 7 people close to her in a two-month period of time and the pain to go on was just insurmountable. By now my tears were coursing down my cheeks as I struggled to breathe. She went on confidently advising the Judge she had gone into counseling, and really wanted to just get this behind her, as she was in such a better place now. We watched with respect as the Judge did the best he could for her. I leaned over to Bryce and said, "Be ready I am going to hug that woman when she's done." He quickly replied, "Oh good I was trying to figure out how to do that without freaking the Judge out."

I stood as she left the stand and said, "Can I give you a hug?" Though she was very surprised she seemed to fall into my outstretched arms. While I held her I said, "That was very brave and I am so glad you stayed. Please stay, you are loved and needed, don't leave." And then I stepped back as the Judge called Bryce up. I however couldn't stop crying, all through his hearing, through the paperwork to clear the warrant, and into the parking lot. I finally hugged him and quietly said, "I am glad you were here for your court hearing today, and that you are alive."
It was one of those moments when what-could-have-been screams at me in the face. 

I doubt I will ever see her again, and she doesn't know who I am or why I did that, but God does. God knew what she needed to hear and feel that day in the courtroom. And He knew I would do as He asked. So she could feel His love in whatever measure He knew she would feel it. WOW! I am not sure on this journey of healing and recovery if I will ever be able to erase that experience from my heart. 

I remember my sweet friend Claire, telling me once that if she could have one Gift of the Spirit, that she could choose, it would be to be able to say the words Heavenly Father wanted her to say to someone about how much He loves that person. I think she already has that gift, because she often brings Heavenly Father's love to me through her words.

Today was no exception, and a much needed boost of confidence when she text me. She said, " I finished reading your book today! I loved it. I believe you offer different avenues of hope when struggling through adversity. Each section offers examples of how I can reach out to my Heavenly Father to look for comfort and peace. I feel like there are many emotions of which you speak that will resonate with many. Although no one will experience the exact trial of which you write many many many brothers and sisters will experience the same depth of sorrow, grief, loneliness, hope, charity, and Christlike love. I love you friend. What an honor to read your sacred work."

I find often my fears are battling with my faith as I write the book, coupled with my physical issues with my shoulder, I was in desperate need of love and support to keep pushing on through this process. Claire was my sweet support today. You see, God knew exactly what I needed, even while I may have not been able to articulate it to Him. And in His infinite mercy and unfailing love, He placed Claire in my world, to be there for me today. There are angels among us, on both sides of the veil. And while I may be one for someone, He sends them to me when I need it most.