Hope, a principle of power

As we finished nine Ward Conferences in the last three weeks, I knew Pres Jones was attempting to cover as many of the attributes of Christ as time would allow. It seemed to me that the attribute he chose for each ward was tailored to what someone, in that meeting, needed to hear. In each ward the Spirit was always strong, and his words and testimony were powerful. In the final ward he talked about hope. After just a couple of minutes I quickly, but quietly, reached for my tissues, my tears were ready to escape my eyes....I think it's quite possible that I actually cried silently for the entire talk. As I fervently listened to his every word, I tried to allow the healing waters of his testimony reach my parched and aching heart.

Hope.

In Preach my Gospel the definition of hope is outlined.

"Hope is an abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to you. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance. It is believing and expecting that something will occur. When you have hope, you work through trials and difficulties with the confidence and assurance that all things will work together for your good. Hope helps you conquer discouragement."
President James E Faust taught: "Hope is the anchor of our souls...Hope is trust in God's promises, faith that if we act now, the desired blessings will be fulfilled in the future..."

Perhaps the greatest example of hope is in Jesus Christ's Atonement, for He did indeed have hope as He descend below all things. In that defining moment of His greatest agony, He, even He the Son of God asked His Father to remove the bitter cup, but then said, but not My will but Thine be done. And in that moment Christ chose to have hope, in His Father, in the plan of Salvation, in Himself to endure an indescribable suffering, and thereby do all that had been asked of Him as God's Son.

He chose hope. I heard it, but I failed to internalize it. So Sunday afternoon and evening I struggled against the dreadful reality, that I couldn't feel any hope when it came to Bryce. I was bewildered. I prayed but found no relief. I honestly didn't know what to do.

And then this morning I got up and slowly the divine truth trickled into the painful depths of my very soul.  
      
I must CHOOSE hope. 

It doesn't just show up. I have to choose hope. Along this thorny trail of tears, I must choose hope. When life is hard, seemingly unfair, I must choose hope. When my prayers are the only source of peace, I must choose hope. And I must continue to choose hope. Day after day. Every time I am beaten down. Whenever it feels I will never be happy again, I must choose hope. If I don't then I am in essence choosing spiritual death, or limiting what God can do for me in my life. Indeed hope unleashes the powers of Heaven.

On that fateful night last April, Bryce did not make a good choice first, as he attempted suicide- but literally the second he chose hope, and decided he didn't want to die...legions of Angels rushed to his aid, because he had chosen hope! And that good decision, on the very heels of a really awful one, still brought blessings. As Pres Holland so eloquently stated, "It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ's Atonement shines."

My Patriarchal blessing says, "You will have problems to face, you will have difficulties  in this life and sorrow, but remember, that we are tried and as we overcome these trials so is our faith strengthened and, likewise, our testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. You will not be tried beyond your ability to overcome evil, but remember, that Satan is real, ever striving to thwart the principals of righteousness." Hope is a principal of righteousness...and I will always have agency to choose hope! Hope unleashes the Power of Heaven in my life!
Hope is a principle of power, God's power in my life!

Suddenly this weight on my soul took wings and left. I felt lighter, happier, and yes hopeful!
As Clark and I talked about this experience tonight, he commented that this hope was the root of all things, perhaps the most powerful principle. For without hope, what is there to live for? Why do we keep picking ourselves up? Without hope there would be no need for love, charity, forgiveness, patience, faith, humility, obedience, or endurance. It is the very bedrock of our belief's.

And while perhaps nothing appeared to have changed for me, yet, as I embraced this Christ-like attribute, my heart knew nothing would ever be the same. 

I have hope! And hope is a beautiful thing.

Choose hope! And together we will be victorious! God is good! 

Reading the Blog

It has been a difficult few weeks, I wonder sometimes why at times it seems my life is repeatedly hard and difficult, and then I have these flashes of truly incredible experiences. But why can't that formula be reversed? Perhaps it's just the nature of this earthly experience, I know I learn great things as I struggle, and later...much later as the perspective changes I see what the Lord was teaching me.

We knew Bryce was using again...and we were at a loss to know what we were to do. Neither of us was truly surprised because little by little we watched him pushing against and away from the very  things that would arm him with power when Satan came calling again.

But we also know agency is a gift. Oh how hard sometimes to allow that agency to be managed by someone who is truly struggling. We prayed, we fasted, we listened carefully- hoping to glean some grain of wisdom that would help us parent this precious child. All we knew was that he was supposed to be here with us. And so we waited upon the Lord.

We did a lot of forgiving, and finally Bryce broke down...and we began to pick up the pieces yet again. We learned after some truly hellish experiences that he should have been in a medical facility for this detox. However we pushed on through with him, all the while our hearts were breaking all over again. Sometimes it seems we are caught in one of those revolving doors...going around and around and around again...we also feel like we're saying the same things over and over again. Our hope is that one of these times those oft-repeated words will touch the place in him that God has protected until His timing is perfect, and then we will see the light turn on again in Bryce's soul.

So whilst in this mode of asking the Lord "What would Thou have me to do?" I had a startling impression. I barely had the ability to breathe through it...and I absolutely did not want to internalize it. While I didn't ignore it, it seemed to paralyze me. A few days later, I still remember exactly where I was, it came again.."He needs to read your blog." Now I was genuinely disturbed. I didn't even want to acknowledge the realm of fallout this could potentially cause. I was stunned. So then as I pondered this singular experience, the question came to mind...do you trust the Lord? 

What a question! I knew the answer, but then I began to feel deeper, lean into that trust...how far did it go? How deep was this trust of my Savior, and my Father in Heaven? How far was my reach? Was my trust absolute? Was it Eternal?  

As I searched deeply and thoroughly into my very soul....it seemed on every level I found trust for Them. However knowing I trusted Them and acting on Their commands were two very different things.
Gently the Spirit led me, slowly the realization came- They knew Bryce better than I did. They knew his battered soul, only appeared that way through my eyes. They knew Bryce was a valiant son of God. Bryce had already proven himself worthy in the eternal realms before his mortal birth. I must try to look at him through Their eyes. 

Yesterday after another horrible night Bryce came in tears to me, sobbing, he was frightened and had no idea what to do. Before I really even knew what was happening I heard myself say..."Bryce I have had two distinct impressions, that you need to read my blog." I watched his eyes widen at the suggestion, then his face was awash with fear and trepidation. I continued..."just consider it please...this was not my idea."

We have often talked about that if the Lord tells me to do something concerning him, I just had to let him know that, and he would accept it. It's a promise he has always kept even in the darkest of times.

Later as we were planning his next 24 he said, "Tomorrow I'll start reading it." I told him I would be present with him. I was honestly surprised how easily he had accepted this suggestion. I sent out a request to my Spiritual Squad...a very small group of friends who are like-minded in spiritual things as me. I asked them to pray very specifically. 

Each time my fears with their practiced fingers attempted to choke out my faith, I pulled from my newly-discovered well of trust in My Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ...They both knew Father's powerful perfect plan for this chosen son. And so in utter meekness I reached out and drawing upon the power of a specific prayer, I asked them to pray that Bryce can take from this experience, whatever he needs to heal, and that Father's will may be manifest, magnified, glorified and understood.

Bryce began to read, I prayed silently. Bryce read more, and the tears began to fall. I reached for the strength others were sending me on their prayers. Quietly I moved to his side, armed with a box of tissues and a gentle hand on his shoulders. He wept soundlessly, agonizing over what he was reading. He would share later that he remembered parts of his story but not all. He stopped after two or three days of blogging. He went outside to process, but wasn't gone very long when he returned sobbing. I held him and gently whispered "Let it out, let it all out."And then I held on to him as great wracking sobs shook his frame from head to toe. When his sobs subsided he said, "I am so-o sorry!" 
I told him, I know you are, but I have forgiven you, now it's time to forgive yourself.

Pres. Jones comments on forgiveness at our ward conference recently flashed through my mind. He'd said..."there's only room for one on His cross." 
It hit me so powerfully then, and hasn't left. When we fail to forgive...ourselves or others it's as if we are attempting to take His place on the cross! We know that's impossible but....

After Bryce paused his reading he went on to do some writing of his own. He's still processing but told me he intends to keep going. We have a plan for tomorrow's next reading. He asked me to sit with him for awhile yet as he reads, of course I agreed. I told him how proud of him I was and the courage he is demonstrating. Later I kept reading my blog and wept as his story kept unfolding. And with distance and time as perfect moderators, I marveled at the patterns of spiritual gifts that kept emerging. 

What a journey this has been so far, it is not over yet, however I am trying to remember each day all the spiritual gifts I was given during that time. I pause to express my deepest gratitude to my "Squad" I am also grateful to so many who have repeatedly asked after Bryce, and continue to assure me he is in their thoughts and prayers. Please don't stop! I shudder to think where we would be without each of you.

And so as night settles in, I soon will fall to my knees in gratitude for a loving Father in Heaven who knows what each of us need most, for a Savior who gave His all that we might come home to Them. I am grateful for the power of specific prayer and faith-filled friends who take time out of their busy lives to invoke Heaven's blessings on us here. May each of you feel my love for you, is my prayer tonight.

Gifts...from the sea and the Son

Gently I scoop a handful of sand, raising my palm upward, I spread my fingers apart...watching with fascination as the grains fall easily back to the sandy beach below. No matter how often I do this, the outcome remains the same...the sand slides easily between my open fingers and returns to the beach. Sometimes the sun will catch the moving sand and it sparkles, sometimes a gentle ocean breeze floats past the falling sand, giving it a different destination a little distance away from me. I can easily close my eyes and remember the feel of the gently moving sand across my hand and fingers as my palms empty themselves of their fleeting treasure. 

Since returning from Hawaii in late October, I have felt similar feelings in my heart. As if my life, like the handfuls of sparkling sand, was running at an alarming rate to a destination I did not want to go to. On some level I was being constantly reminded that I couldn't control the outcome of others choices. Even though the consequences of those choices would undoubtedly bring me heartache, on a level I couldn't possibly understand, and truthfully did not want to understand either. Metaphorically speaking, I continued to fill my palms with sand and then my fingers would separate and the sand would fall, ignoring my desires, and nothing I could do would stop that fall.

Afraid of what would spill out onto this page, I have avoided writing for awhile. Sometimes it seems I am able to make sense of my circumstances as I write...but lately the fear of the possible answers (that I may not want to hear and see) has kept me silent. He has been struggling since October, and we believed we'd averted another disaster, when by Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, it looked like he had come back to center in his life. His joy is captured here as his nieces and nephews tried to prevent him from leaving the family gathering.
I love this picture! 

However this reprieve unfortunately didn't last.

In light of these ongoing struggles I turned to my Heavenly Father and was gently reminded to trust Him, and ultimately the only one I can change is myself. So here I am at the New Year contemplating how this change will "come to pass" and the steps I need to take in affecting these changes. Recently I was taught about understanding and then drawing upon the power inherent in things and places that Christ has put His name on. I am compiling a list to assist me in this newly acquired knowledge.

His Temples: Holiness to the Lord
Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ
My prayers: In the name of Jesus Christ
The Sacrament: In the name of Jesus Christ
My callings: Set apart in the name of Jesus Christ
My Marriage: Covenants with Jesus Christ- Children born under that covenant 
Ministering: Representing Jesus Christ
Bishop's Storehouse: Purchasing food storage in a facility dedicated to Jesus Christ
Meetings that begin and end with prayer: In the name of Jesus Christ

My list is by no means complete, and I will continue to add to it. However I am already seeing daily, how His Power is so available to me. I also am seeing that when I am walking the path in the very moment that He wants me to, it easier for Him to direct His Power into my life and experiences...as long as I continue to ask and then use it to bless others around me.

"When you reach up for the Lord's power in your life with the same intensity that a drowning person has when grasping and gasping for air, power from Jesus Christ will be yours. When the Savior knows you truly want to reach up to Him-when He can feel that the greatest desire of your heart is to draw His power into your life-you will be led by the Holy Ghost to know exactly what you should do." Russell M. Nelson.

There it is! I never leave a blog unfinished...this one however has spanned two days, because I needed last nights experiences and this quote! So here is to a year of spiritual growth and seeking opportunities to draw His Power more fully into my life.