I have been itching to write again, but I think I'm still a little traumatized by writing my book. I see now, and every time I re-read it for editing, just how raw and real it is. We are nearing completion, and while I am very proud of what my gifted and incredible editor Aubrey and I are accomplishing, the fear of the unknown and the transparency and vulnerability I am soon going to make very public, gives me a little anxiety I think. However I can still balance that anxiety with the pure truth that this is the Lord's will, and that allows me to feel His peace.
This morning I was doing a NeurOptimal session and with about ten minutes left in my 33-minute session, I had an overwhelming desire for a hug. Tears sprung to my eyes and I relaxed into the feeling and began to explore my options. I could ask Clark to come home-which I knew he would do in a heartbeat. I could go to his work knowing he would willingly meet me somewhere private there for a hug. Then my thoughts went back to nearly 40 years ago when I was a missionary in London.
I had some remarkable spiritual experiences as I began my service in North London. It was a rough area. One day it seemed particularly awful, as we were surrounded by the degradation and wickedness of the world. I could feel the very evil of the world around me. Discouraged, especially as I was also training a new sister, I sent her to the kitchen to get our lunch figured out, and closed myself in our bedroom. Dropping to my knees I poured out my aching heart in prayer. As I sobbed, I told Him I needed to feel love for His children or I would never be able to lead them to Him. Almost immediately I felt the unmistakable presence of the Holy Ghost, and then it was as if someone was pouring warm water slowly over my head, and the warmth and comfort continued to envelope my whole body. It was then I first experienced, in mortality, a hug from my elder Brother Jesus Christ. There were no words, just His arms around me. Comforting. Supporting. Understanding. Empathizing. Loving. Loving me. Loving me as His servant. Acknowledging my service in His vineyard. Thanking me for my willingness to do all He asked of me. Encouraging me. Lifting me. Bathed in His peace, I basked in this very personal, singular experience. After thanking Him, I arose and went forth. After our lunch break we returned to the very same streets I had felt such despair on earlier, however now when I looked at His children, I saw them through His eyes. I knew He loved them, and so I could smile at them. My whole heart had changed, I no longer felt the evil, I only saw hope. It became the area I led the most children of God to Him. It was also the hardest area. I had some terrifying experiences living there perhaps more than I had yet experienced.
And so I reflected on this experience and realized Christ was waiting to be invited for that desperately-needed hug. I asked Heavenly Father to send His Son. Immediately I felt His arms around me and His peace washed over my arms and body with such tender sensations that I actually looked down at my arms. I am not sure what I expected, but His peace was that tangible. My heartbeat slowed and I leaned into His sacred hug. And then the gratitude that seemed to swallow me, my tears ran down my face as I offered a prayer of thanks.
And now as I write, I have again, my beautiful Autumn view from my window. The sky is the perfect Fall blue, my green grass is dotted, almost covered, by the gold, brown and orange leaves that are slowly coming down from my trees. The vibrant reds and oranges of my trees, vines and bushes attest to the beauty of this fall. While the mountains have been getting snow, the valley is taking it's sweet time to slowly allow Fall to come, holding onto their colorful leaves much longer than in recent memory. Oh how I love Fall. As the leaves still holding onto the trees flutter in the light breeze I am reminded again that Fall shows us how to gently let go. I am reminded to let the burdens I am carrying find their way to my Savior's ample shoulders. He has already paid the price to bear these burdens, and since He has also received all His Father has, he is more than capable to take my burdens. I am reminded that He too has experienced all that I have experienced, so no one actually knows better than Him, how to comfort, reassure, encourage and forgive me.
We have had a rough few months with Clark's health issues, both seen and unseen by others. And while talking with my sweet friend Jodi yesterday, the question arose again..."but how are you doing?" Later I reflected on why that question continues to surprise me. While there have been tears, fears and uncertainty for sure, I have known His peace in the storm. While I know my NeurOptimal sessions, inspired by Him, have obviously helped more than I had realized until yesterday, His peace is undeniably woven through the heartache and the storm. I am doing great! It has been my privelage to watch my beloved Lover stretch and become the man I knew he would become. His relationship with Christ is beautiful to behold. And together we have seen miracles as he has healed, exactly as the Lord promised he would, through the Bishop's beautiful blessing. And through these trials and our subsequent changes in our hearts, Christ has done mighty miracles in our lives, and in the lives of our children also, as promised.
As the season of gratitude draws nearer I find myself with so much to be grateful for. My life is not perfect, and will never be so here in mortality, but I love it. And so as I walk softly through my day today, to preserve that precious gift of peace I received this morning, I also walk in gratitude. God is Good. I am so blessed, and beloved of Him. And so too are you. If you doubt that, maybe you might ask for a spiritual hug.
