Sunday, April 29, 2018

Lover, my love.

I had been looking forward to this Sabbath Day! And although we had to figuratively climb a mountain and ford a stream of rushing water before we entered our building today...we made it! Just as I was settling in for some much-needed spiritual nourishment...Bryce reached over and grabbed my hand and said softly..."I am having hallucinations! It's the tail-end of the drugs leaving my body..."
My own heart raced as I squeezed his hand offering my support. As I sat there praying for yet another miracle...I thought to myself how many of my dearly beloved ward members are here today with similar desires? I would venture a guess each of us have come seeking solace at some point during this trial we casually call "earth-life". Often we never even know the heartache of others around us. Hidden sorrows...And so I added my prayers to any that were being offered this day, that they would find peace also.

When Bryce finally let go of my hand and seemed to relax and be mentally involved in the meeting, I reached out to maintain physical contact with him as I lovingly rested my hand on his back. I was so proud of his effort!! And then I thought...aagghhh why in his first attempt to return to a church meeting did this happen? Would Satan never leave him alone? And then I was reassured... what better place for these lingering affects to rear their ugly head...it is a safe environment, plenty of Priesthood Power, Lots of loving support...why not here!

The meeting lifted his spirits, and he hurried off to his AA meeting right after Sacrament Meeting. And then I fell apart as Bishop & President Jones came to hug me and speak to me. I could feel the bone-weary exhaustion flooding my body. I knew it was time to come out of the 'Mother-Bear mode' and evaluate my needs. Sleep. That was easy! I asked the Bishop for a blessing and immediately felt the love of my Heavenly Father pouring down, filling every inch of my parched soul. Peace filled my heart and mind. These last two days have been very hard for me and as I felt that blessing, I knew I had been wrong in not asking for it sooner. I don't know why I felt the impression to have the Bishop it give it to me...heaven knows Clark has done his share of Priesthood blessings for both Bryce and I...but I felt afterwards that the impression that had come was because a Loving Father knew my need before even I did! 

As I drove away from the church today, I had a rather singular experience. It was different than an impression, it was different from being given a glimpse, and it was totally unexpected. Suddenly, I was given knowledge.
I knew Bryce had jumped for joy in the pre-earth life when he accepted the opportunity to come to earth. He was willing to do anything to have this earth experience, and become more like Heavenly Father...including his addictions, and choices. He jumped for joy at the prospect to prove himself!  I shared this new knowledge with him when I got home, and with tears coursing down his face he told us he'd had another long conversation with Bronson...and Bronson said "There is a purpose to all of your struggles...someday you will understand more fully. But know this you have done hard things before. You've got this!"

I was stunned....and it sparked a whole other conversation about what our limited understanding of our pre-earth was like. It was incredible! I have come to know that aside from the emotional strain, all these spiritual experiences I was having also left me drained, after they had manifested themselves. I love them all but my goodness it made for some intense days!

And so we come to the conclusion of our third 24 hours. We have had many deep discussions, much of learning and understanding. We have shed many tears and often feel emotionally spent...but we are all making every day be the best we can. And as this Sabbath day ebbs, I am so grateful for the continued love and support that surrounds me. I continue to choose faith and life and believe love is the greatest healer, motivator, and greatest Christ-like attribute we can aspire to.

And to that end I feel the to express to the love of my life..Lover, also known as Clark. His steady strength, and unfailing belief in me, is why I can be who I am endeavoring to become. His deep abiding testimony and convictions of the Gospel and Christ's atonement, inspire and bless me. I love this kind, gentle, often quiet man of God. His sweet influence is the glue that holds me together, the golden thread in my tapestry of life, the correcting measure to keep me centered. His loving listening ear allow me the room to express every emotion and thought to him.  His unique sense of humor and giggle lift my spirits. I love that we have Eternity together. I love that he walks this particularly unique journey with me. I am so grateful he asked...(me to marry him) I am so proud of the father he is to our wonderful children...and Papa to our adorable grandchildren. He is my rock and my stars. He is my valley and my mountain. He is my hope for happier days, how grateful I am that he keeps his covenants so we can someday claim our Eternal Family. 

Thank you my love for being just you!

Saturday, April 28, 2018

Our First 24



Thursday Bryce was came home with us. 

There are moments when even saying that out loud doesn't seem real. 
While the fight with my memories is something I may never fully be free of, I can't really express the depth of gratitude for realizing on some level what a gift this miracle we call Bryce truly is.

Each medical professional has not necessarily agreed with all of our plan. However I keep going back to that ten days prior to his attempt, and following our previously proven plan, asking the Lord "What would Thou have me to do?" without fail, He has led us to His plan. It's one of the things that has kept me sane and on an somewhat of an even keel this last year or so where Bryce is concerned. So during this 10 days I repeatedly asked, however the Heavens were uncommonly silent. The only thought that came to me was maybe we should make a 24 hour plan...after all that's all an addict has...the next 24 hours. But it was a little bit vague...and undefined...the word 'wispy' comes to mind in attempting to describe the impression...which is pretty unusual for me. And we never acted on it after he confirmed he was using...the only option at that point was for him to begin packing to leave. And we all know what happened after that....

We had gone to the Payson Temple to see our niece, Megan, get married- early Thursday morning. I took the opportunity within those sacred walls to confirm our decision to bring Bryce home, against medical advice...and to go forward with our 24-hour plan. Immediately the gentle reminder came..."You have received your answer before..." 
My mind caught hold of a similar experience in our early church history when Oliver Cowdry asked again to know the truth. (D&C 6:14-16, 22-23) I knew the 24-hour plan was Heavenly Father's. I knew this is what He had guided us to do, and still desired for us to do. I would again choose faith in Him, for the outcome....which no one but God knows. Reassured I soaked up His sweet assurances, I felt His peace, as only He can give, I knew again of Father's love for Bryce and us. I closed my eyes and knew I could do this. And now I continue to cling to this tender peace-filled experience, amid the daily struggle, and I smile. He knows, and I am loved.

I can't remember if I mentioned his 7-year vision problems all disappeared after his final code on Wednesday last week. His vision actually flipped..he now is far-sighted instead of near-sighted...yesterday we bought him 'granny' reading glasses until his blood sugar levels are stable enough for the eye Doctor to reevaluate his eyes. This flip apparently is a not-uncommon phenomenon, and could also be related to his Diabetes diagnoses in the ER. 

It is heart-warming to see him so excited about seeing the beautiful outside world bathed in springtime sunshine and vibrant color. He grinned as he said "Mom I can see the leaves on that tree..." and when he saw the snow-capped Mt Timpanogos he said "Oh my gosh it's so beautiful!" He keeps looking around almost as if he is trying to absorb and enjoy every detail of his new life. It makes me smile. 

As we talk and share, we are both often teary. We were eating lunch at Costa Vida at the Gateway after I picked him up...and I can't remember what he was even saying, but the tears rolled down his cheeks and he just wiped at them and kept talking, totally unashamed at this very public display. He is definitely humbled and more comfortable in his own skin.

 And so we went through our day, talking, sharing, laughing and crying. When we finally  arrived home, we discovered a dozen yellow balloons all over our front yard. Tied to branches, handrails, mailbox, lamppost..everywhere cheerful yellow  balloons were dancing, catching on the breeze. My sweet friends Heidi and Claire displayed these balloons magically in preparation to welcome Bryce home. Ok I had to explain the Tony Orlando song "Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree...  " But he got it and was delighted...then the flood-gates of emotions opened....




We paused in our car wrapped in each others arms, as the tears began again in earnest. Then he said "This is why I chose to live," My Mother heart soared with joy, knowing again he had somehow known to choose life, repeatedly throughout his horrific ordeal. We marvel that the Priesthood blessing he received in the seemingly chaotic ER that fateful night, where Clark blessed him with the will to live, penetrated the drug-induced unconsciousness and reached his sweet, pure soul...and invited him by the power of God Almighty in the name of Jesus Christ....to choose to live. 

Against unbelievable odds, now I have seen each hospital record...under catastrophic conditions that defy any possibility of a successful, normal outcome...he chose to live! 
Many have asked if he remembers anything...the only thing he does remember is a very long conversation with Bronson, his twin on the other-side of the veil. Bronson was with Bryce, not exactly sure when this conversation happened but Bryce thinks from the bits and pieces he's heard that it was in the American Fork ER. 

And so with simple life experiences...seeing God's beautiful handiwork in this glorious spring-time, yellow balloons to welcome him home because many love him, he is living his first 24. After driving to get a cup of coffee Friday morning he walked back in and said, "I need a hug..." Of course I thrill to hear these words and comply anytime and anywhere....and then during the embrace he began to cry..."I am so grateful for the simple act of normalcy, getting in my car, driving to get a cup of coffee like a normal day... I am so happy to be alive!"

I am happy to report he has worked at, molded and succeeded at his first full 24-hour plan. My heart filled with joy as he sat with his Dad before bed and made his plan for the next 24.  It may not fit the medical team's expected results, but I believe Bryce is living the right plan for him at this juncture. We all are bending our will to God's, and while none of us know the outcome, it really doesn't matter. We are choosing to live...we are choosing to live in faith.

I could see the brilliance of this plan whenever hard things come up, we can and did, easily dismiss them as irrelevant for this next 24 hours. I saw it often yesterday as we went about our busy day. Such a plan removes the anxiety of the future and focuses us on just today. It brings such a feeling of simplicity and peace. Baby steps....

I am amazed at the tender mercies from our loving Father in Heaven...everywhere I turn. 
As I watched the grandkids (who are still intentionally oblivious to all Bryce has been going through) jump on the trampoline with innocent abandon last night...I also noticed new flowers that my sweet Heidi and Claire had planted, for the first time...such a simple symbol of hope in many, many tomorrows. I wept in pure pleasure, reminded and grateful again to the numerous acts of Holy Ministering I have been a recipient of in the last 12 days.

One of the things I take simple pleasure in is when I watch others see Bryce for the first time. In response to a variety of caring questions he often simply says with a smile, "I am great, today has been a good day." I am well-aware we often don't know what to say and fear what we might say...So please know that he is good with knowing others care, he loves hugs, even silence with a smile helps heal all our hearts. I hope others can remember how critical it is to his survival and continued healing for each of us to stay within that days' 24 hour plan. As of this post Bryce knows about my blog and will someday read it, but he told me he wants to write his side of the story first, which I eagerly support and anticipate. He is, thankfully, unaware of much he has passed through. Someday....when it's right...

Along with your prayers and good wishes he will know and feel of your love and support, and it is enough for today!



Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Hip, Hip, Hooray!

Cautiously optimistic....Bryce will be released by noon tomorrow! We've had several hard conversations over the last couple of days and have finally arrived on a strategy we can live with, one he loves, and his recovery team approve of. (Final approval pending tomorrow's visit with his psychiatrist.) It was a very emotional moment when we told him he could come home. He hung his head and wept with relief and joy! 

We proposed a 24-hour plan with an immediate leave-the-house consequence for failure to comply. Every 24 hours is all an addict has. So living for just 24 hours seemed the only way he could succeed at choosing life.The ball is squarely in his court, and he, and only, has  control over the outcome. 

Of course trust has to be earned, and ours in him and his promises has been violated repeatedly over the last 11 years...it's a big leap of faith for us. He seems determined, we are hopeful, and the reality will yet to be determined. One of the things he has to do every day is service...so if you live near us or he knows you...please give him an assignment when he comes knocking at your door. Only 30 minutes if it's physical..he has back issues...and please remember it is service. He won't accept any food thank you's or treats, because he is recently diagnosed with Diabetes.

When he first told me they were willing to release him tomorrow, my head felt like it exploded and I silently screamed..."It's too soon!" My heart battled with my head for awhile. I was scared to my core. So I began to process and ask myself why was this seemingly ridiculous fear nearly consuming me. This won't come as a surprise to those of you who have walked this treacherous road with a loved one before me, I realized finally that I knew he was safe where he was...but the minute he left that building...his risk level skyrocketed. And no matter how much I wanted the "I choose to live" ending to his life story...I knew I had no control whatsoever over his choices. 

Wow is this at all similar to what Heavenly Father goes through with each of His children...ensuring their own agency was His gift to each of us...regardless of the outcome?
This is where the proverbial rubber meets the road...

Did I really have active faith in a loving God?

Did I truly believe faith drives out fear? I know they can't coexist...

Did I really mean what I said about letting the responsibility lay squarely on his own shoulders?

My fear was palpable, my heart was racing, my head was still screaming "Don't do it!"
My heart slowed down it's erratic response, I breathed deeply ...

And I chose faith!

My equilibrium returned slowly, my testimony held firm, my head quieted and acquiesced to my inner truth. Yes, I choose faith! Again and again. My shoulders squared up again, my smile inched back on to my face, my heart felt lighter, and I knew I chosen correctly!

Bryce is just beginning to comprehend the choice he made on that fateful Monday night, April 16th. He obviously doesn't have any recollection from 1030 pm that night until they shocked him after his 5th code on Wednesday April 18th. 

Someday he'll read my blog and while it will be painful, we will do it together. He will remember he is never alone. He will recall the help he received that night from family beyond the veil. He will glimpse the power of prayer. He will honor the Priesthood of God that he holds. He will be a walking, breathing, living miracle and evidence of so many answered prayers and love! 
He is our answered prayer...all of us. 
We, with our hand in God's...we did this with faith and love.

How can I ever express my gratitude to each of you who have performed this miracle of life for me? There are no words...and I sincerely hope there are very few of you who already know, or will ever know...what this miracle means to me! Because I hope each of us- everywhere- will continue to choose life and faith. Keep on being a miracle for those you love! May you each know peace, love, joy and kindness, for I am praying you will. 
You have changed my life forever, and you have saved my son. 
May God's sweetest blessings be yours! 
I love you!



Easing through the pain.

The pieces of new information and old understanding crashed together in my head like a Tsunami. My new reality stormed over me like a deluge, nearly drowning me, leaving me gasping in it's wake. Reeling still, I am not sure I can even process where we now stand.

Bryce's psychiatrist told us he has treated thousands of addicts, and Bryce is one of the top five of those he has treated previously,who should not have made it...by the numbers and reports of his suicide attempt. It was so severe LDS hospital wasn't sure they should accept him. He went on to say that strictly by historical numbers Bryce won't likely be alive in 10 years. No one anywhere that sees all the facts, can even believe he's here today. I remember thinking on that terrifying ten-minutes Monday night...would I be delivering him to the ER alive or dead! Somehow, some days, I nearly keel over under the sheer agony of my shattered heart. Yesterday, and it appears today ...are some of those days. I desperately want someone...ANYONE...to shake me by the shoulder and wake me from this nightmare. 

It's not going to happen.

My heart hurts.

My tears will not stop.

I don't think there are enough hugs in this world to make this pain go away.

And yet as I ask my Heavenly Father to help me breathe one more breath, dry one more cheek, lift my aching Mother's heart one more time...He never fails me. Christ's atonement is real! His perfect empathy He freely shares with me. His ultimate sacrifice, which helps me through the next hour, is unfathomable but perfect and complete. I see hope and miracles in the most reality-defying places. 

My breath catches and my heart races now when I hear the medical helicopters go over my house, I used to pray for those in the helicopters and the family on the ground, left behind. Today I realized, as I heard one just now, Bryce was so sick that they wanted to transport him by helicopter...14 miles! That night it was too windy to risk it, but that they even considered it necessary makes my heart hurt.

We went to eat between the earth-shattering meeting and our daily one-hour visit with Bryce. As we were seated, I saw the individually wrapped butter heaped on a plate at our table, then I looked over and in my line of sight they were slicing the bread to come out to each table. When ours arrived I looked at it and the food-addict in me felt a keen desire to throw my abstinence to the wind and eat every last crumb of that bread and butter! I sat very still and let the raging monster in my head take a breath....then I thought how can I as an addict give in when I want my son to never use again? While my addiction is real to me, and yes I have to live in a world of food, daily, hourly, and in almost every situation, I am surrounded by my addictive elements....I am not convinced the reality of my cravings could ever compare with Bryce's. I know it's a useless thought to compare different addictions...I just knew on some level...I had to stick to my abstinence plan as surely as I hoped Bryce would stick to his and live!

As we drove home last night...I had a meltdown...it just was so overwhelming. I then also thought if my heart hurts this much, I truly cannot fathom the pain in Bryce's heart. It was then that the clarity came to me about wanting the bread at the restaurant...as we talked about it Clark said you know I would have said something right...and I said based on what was going on in my head I doubt the first comment would have done anything to stop me. I wanted that bread...I was sure I did...I didn't care in that moment what it would ultimately cost me...
It had been a very long time since a temptation with that much power behind it had accosted me! Then I realized the desire to eat the bread was merely me trying to eat over my pain. To stuff my face with food and by so doing stuff my pain down where it couldn't be felt. Numb my pain with food. That's was when I allowed myself to feel my pain. I gave myself permission to feel, to hurt, to rage if necessary. And slowly the realizations have come...maybe I needed to look at this experience for what it truly was-a gift from God. Maybe to help remind me I need to continue to acknowledge my pain, allow myself to grieve the loss of the kind of life I wanted and hoped would be Bryce's...and mine. I am learning again to be grateful for my addiction, because it truly gives me real empathy as I see others struggling with theirs.

And so today I will walk outside and enjoy the spring sunshine and wonder, I will take some time for myself, and I have an appointment with my trusted counselor. My tears are too close to the surface and my pain too raw to work or serve in the Temple today, but I may go to the Temple, just to enjoy the peace there instead. Balm of Gilead.


Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Laughter is the best medicine!

Sometimes it's the simplest things...Bryce was watching a movie in hospital Sunday, and he laughed! Yesterday in his first call home he laughed again! I marveled at the simple joy of hearing him laugh. It lifted my spirits, and I knew I would never take a laugh from him for granted again! 

He is now in the Psychiatric Unit of LDS hospital in Salt Lake City. It is a secured floor and we had to give them our firstborn to get in...just kidding! His view is rather spectacular as he faces the west, and can see the Great Salt Lake itself, and can see south to the point of the mountain...where we live just beyond that impressive land mark and can look down on the Capitol Building. He has his own bedroom with a private bathroom attached. He was given some of meds again and has met with his recovery team. His Social Worker called and chatted with me yesterday. Their recommendation is that he go to an in-patient rehab. He doesn't want to go nor does he think it's necessary. We have to get rid of any weapons...um we don't have any weapons...we have to lock up our medications...um we've been doing that for over a year now...but he attempted on HIS OWN meds...which he has to be taking, um so how does that work....

Today we are having a Family Meeting with his entire recovery team. There we'll lay out his release plans. He is creating a suicide prevention plan, that they will have to approve. It sometimes feels very overwhelming. As I shared all this with Clark as we drove up to see Bryce last night, we felt very frustrated, indecisive of our forward path, and both are physically and emotionally drained to the very core.

I looked out my window as we drove through the Avenue's in Salt Lake on our way to him. Some of those homes are so old and stately and beautiful! Their gardens were alive with color and variety. The stunning blossoming Jacaranda trees dotted the route with vibrant splashes of brilliant purple. I smiled and thought I am so glad other people's worlds are operating 'normally'. It gives me a sense of balance, structure, hope and sheer happiness that my Heavenly Father created such a beautiful world, and that I could drink in this beauty and fill my parched soul! We would adjust to our new normal, and our lives would go on too. And maybe someday I can be part of the beautiful normalcy someone else who is feeling  pain, sadness or despair can draw hope and strength from.

It was great to see him and he was all smiles and hugs! Then he told us about his day and what his plans are. We had the first (this time) of I am sure many hard conversations with Bryce. We expressed our struggle to accept his words when he had violated our trust in him repeatedly. I told him I had made peace with the Lord about my responsibility for his actions. I would not take responsibility nor feel guilty from his actions up to, and including, suicide. We explained he needed to make his recovery plan on his feelings and desires not what he thought we wanted or felt. It was rough but necessary, and I think will prove beneficial in the long run. He asked us if we would pray for The Lord to show us what is in his heart as he knows we can't believe much of what he says. We agreed. 

We stopped to see the Skinner's & Mosses on our way home...and got lots of hugs- and snuggles- from the beautiful grandchildren. That always makes it a great day! 

And the healing begins!

I had some alone time before bed, pondering how my life had changed so drastically from this time last week. I wanted to be sure I was deeply asleep before 10:20 pm arrived this Monday night. I managed to fall asleep easily. About 2 am I was awakened by my heart pounding out of my chest. I lay still trying to gauge my physical response which was most unusual...and I looked over to the side of my bed- at first thought it was Bryce standing there, then as my mind began to catch up with my eyes I realized it was his twin Bronson. He was clearly in spirit form. I knew him immediately. He stood facing my bedside lamp and never made eye contact, unlike in the past with me. I marveled at the light gathered around him, it was soft not bright, and shortly thereafter he left the room. I lay awake for awhile, savoring the experience but wondered at it's meaning.

This morning as we were getting ready for the day Clark asked how I slept...I answered him really good...and then the impression came..."Tell him!" ...I responded immediately and shared the experience with him. I continued pondering the meaning of Bronson's visit. I thought perhaps it was his way of letting me know Bronson was still watching over Bryce...then I remembered Bryce asking us to pray about knowing his heart and I didn't remember verbalizing that in our prayers last night.

So when we prayed this morning I asked Father to help us to know Bryce's heart...and to trust the Lord's confirmation, and to help us have soft hearts and know the direction the Lord would have us go. After Clark left, I kept pondering Bronson's visit, I felt confident that it was both a reminder to pray as Bryce had requested, and to feel the assurance Bronson was very aware and involved in Bryce's earth-life. 

We are never far from family, who loves us! What a wonderful thing to remember. I am not alone, ever! I love that my other children, who have preceded me in death, and my ancestors are so aware of our family, especially during this crisis. 

So today I am enjoying several arrangements of flowers from kind friends as I take calls for work. Often customers ask "How are you today?" and my heart screams:
I AM HURTING...but I smile and know all will be well, and I can honestly say, as I look out to my sun-drenched back yard, with my tulips opening and birds busy in the trees..."I am good thank you! And how's your day?" 

After-all what would be the point of all this pain and suffering, if I don't keep going? "Ye must press forward, with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, Behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life
(2 Nephi 31:20) That is my goal! Then all my tears shall be dried, my heart shall know true and lasting joy, and I will be lovingly wrapped securely in the arms of my Heavenly Father, Mother and elder Brother...even Jesus Christ! Oh beautiful day!



Sunday, April 22, 2018

One more hug.

I am so glad that the Lord's tender mercies don't have numerical limitations...or else I think I would have used up my quota in the last six days! I think I can safely say this has been the longest week of my life... early this afternoon we learned that there were no beds in Provo for Bryce to go to the Behavioral Modification Unit (BMU) here. So the next available option was LDS hospital in SLC. We decided to take the opening there, as Bryce was beyond ready to move to the next phase. It was not our preferred choice as the distance will
complicate our lives, however it was not our needs that we were most concerned with. 

When the transport team arrived however there were some complications no one had foreseen...And the transport team was visiting with us while the final paperwork was being completed. They told us there wasn't a bed available from Logan to St George....sad because of the need, but we recognized our tender mercy in getting Bryce admitted.

For one heart-stopping moment (I am amazed how differently I feel about those ever-so-common phrases now...) but yes literally my heart felt like it skipped a beat while my breath refused to come...somehow the hospital Social Work Team had failed to advise Bryce's current Doctor on the floor that this admission was not voluntary! 
I said..."Wait... what? You mean he has a choice to go home with us now?" Bryce was at this point already strapped to the transport bed....If my heart was doing this...I couldn't even imagine what his head and heart were doing. However the truth of it was that due to the severity of Bryce's attempt, he had no option but to be in-patient in a BMU and be evaluated by a psychiatrist. Even though I would have loved to bring Bryce home today, I knew it was in his best interest to be evaluated properly and then we could make an appropriate plan for his recovery. But oh how my heart ached as they finally loaded him into the transport, and after one more hug...closed the door and took him away.

Last Sunday I would not have believed I could witness him being loaded and taken from me twice in six days! Amazing what my heart has endured this week. Tears filled my eyes as I took Lover's hand and we began the long walk through deserted hallways to our car to come home. At first I thought I was just numb and unable to process everything...but as I quietly reflected on my last six days I know without a doubt the prayers, love and support of those who love us have literally sustained me through these very dark days. My friend Sharon asked me last night if I thought my blog had helped me...the answer is yes! It has helped me process events, put things into perspective, and recognize and acknowledge my many tender mercies and answers to so many other people's prayers, as well as my own.

We are taught that often Father in Heaven answers our prayers through others...I am a living testament to truth of that! I am in humble awe of all my blessings this week.

And now for the first time since this nightmare began I am at home, missing Bryce, recognizing the silence and peace of my home...but also very grateful I can't hear a monitor beeping, a nurse charting, a code or rapid response alarm going off, or smell the now-familiar plastic, or sanitized and hospital-like smells. While I am infinitely grateful for all those things, I think my brain and senses are on over-load.

When I hugged Bryce's nurse of the last three days-when he was actually awake-I was silently so grateful for those among us who have made serving others this way their life's mission. We have met some truly incredible people throughout every stage of this harrowing experience.

When the transport team learned of Bryce's experience they were in awe of his miracle of life. They commented he must have angels around him. He quietly said, "And I have a twin brother..." Twice now he has completely blown people away by his survival. First was our wonderful friend Gary Little who assisted Clark in a priesthood blessing in the ER...he came to visit last night and Bryce dressed in normal clothes stood up from his bed and with his thousand- watt smile hugged Gary. Gary got very emotional having not seen him since the blessing. He later told me it was a memory he would never forget...what a miracle! Then the receiving facility this afternoon required a second EKG before they would agree to the transfer (just because Bryce's heart was such an issue I believe) the tech walked in with the portable machine and said.."I know you!" We were a bit surprised and she continued.."I did your EKG in the ER. (We all gasped!) I can tell you already it will be much better today!"
Later after confirming her prediction she went on to say that she rarely sees the miracle before her and it was such a thrill to see Bryce today. She said when folks come in as sick as you were we rarely see this outcome. We were again stunned into silence as she left the room.

So tomorrow we'll hear how his evaluation goes and what the plan for him is. He was resigned to this next chapter, although he was still convinced he could make a run for the exit and succeed. I wonder if the only reason he took a walk outside with supervision today was to gauge the proximity of the outside doors. I say that in jest but I have had to talk him out of breaking out more than once! He woke up from a nap today and said "Oh I had the best dream! I dreamed I made a run for it and out-ran the nurses!" I was glad his sense of humor was back...even if there was a wistful hint of truth there!

And so now I see the shadows of this Sabbath Day lengthening out as that beautiful sun continues on it's God-given path. Night will steal in, and we will kneel to thank our loving Heavenly Father for His infinite love and blessings this day. And to beg one more favor...    to please watch over our beautiful boy. I know this night will feel never-ending for Bryce.  But just as I witnessed today...the sun will rise again tomorrow and the new day will be upon us before we know it.

Sunrise.....

After a restless night, I drove down early to the hospital. The Sabbath Day streets were pretty deserted, but I noticed the blossom-laden trees, and the spring flowers blooming brightly, but I realized I wasn’t enjoying these gifts from Heaven as much as I usually do....my heart was heavy.

 Then as I settled myself in Bryce’s room, I remembered that I told Clark last night....I am trying to decide if I should demonstrate faith-that Bryce will be moved as planned-and not pack my 10-14 hour bag....or be prepared and pack it?....I found a good compromise and took a couple of snacks so I can take care  of myself (and my diabetes) but I’m having faith I’ll be home before lunch.

The view from Bryce’s window is Y Mountain. Which includes three peaks behind the famous ‘Y’ and slowly between the peaks, the early morning mist was gathering, chased by the warmth of the rising sun. I was mesmerized...and gradually the sun climbed behind the mountains. I found my heart lifting  incrementally with the sun’s steady upward path. Slowly the mist was disappearing, just as my heavy heart was. I smiled in anticipation of seeing the sun. I warned Bryce it was almost visible. He sat up in his bed and moved to watch with me. Holding my breath suddenly the brilliance blinded me. It was here! I closed my eyes and knew, even as the warmth penetrated the thick window glass, I knew even if I wasn’t still staring at the sun, I knew it was there! And it would steadily move across its intended path, ordered by its Maker. Just as I know the sun is to remind me to remember His Son Jesus Christ. Every day. All day. And my heart felt light, hope restored! Bryce moved and settled, his bare toes right in the sunshine....and then he slept peacefully.

Now I barely notice the busyness of the hospital as my heart and body absorb the warmth sent from a loving Heavenly Father, who knows me better than I know myself. He also knows ‘my baby’ as the cleaning lady just called him....He knows what we both need to learn and experience before we return to live with Him forever. Warmed by His infinite love I’ll continue to chose hope, look towards the light, and exercise my faith in His plan.

God is good!


Saturday, April 21, 2018

Another temporary goodbye

The hospital floor squeaked each time my shoe made contact. I was pacing in circles in the hallway. A woman I’d never met exchanged less than five minutes of words, alone, with Bryce....I doubt she knew him any better as she left than when she arrived. So her decision, based solely on the severity of his attempt, made the call. A minimum of two days in the Behavioral Modification Unit. I looked into Bryce’s stricken eyes, when I was allowed back into his room. He was devastated, terrified, sad and feeling very alone. Visitation is for one and a half hours in the evening. And an hour phone time three times a day. I asked if there was immediate availability and she left to double check. 

I said ok let’s look at the good- it’s local, that’s less complicated...we have the decision....no more waiting to get an answer.  It’s two days,so far. Then she returned and effectively undid any ground I thought I had gained with his mind and heart when she said “No beds here” She said you can go immediately to LDS Hospital in Salt Lake City or wait where you are now until tomorrow to be admitted here in Provo. He made the decision to stay so he could be admitted to the Provo facility here. But he wasn’t happy. Later when Cassidy and Emma was here he said quietly “Can’t believe how much I have to pay for one dumb mistake.”
I know he is processing in his head and wants to move on with his life but apparently the Lord’s plan is different than that. 

My Mother’s heart hurts because I can’t fix this. I ache for his emotional pain. I know his fears and this next stage will come close to his breaking point. He repeatedly refused to walk outside is room, let alone outside-which has permission for...because he doesn’t trust himself not to bolt! 

So tonight we wait again, and tomorrow we say yet another heart-wrenching goodbye that unfortunately I feel I’ve already had too many of! 

My heart is aching and my mind is weary....I can’t write any more today.
I feel so empty, and reaching desperately for my Savior’s comfort and peace. Feeling for the prayers of those who love us. Tomorrow will come too soon...simultaneously also not fast enough.

Friday, April 20, 2018

When it rains....

My shattered heart can't seem to catch a break...I began today holding tightly to hope, while I chose hope, I didn't expect such total devastation....no I can no longer throw around phrases like that..total...complete...because that's not my perspective any more. Bryce is alive...my devastation today was not total, and just writing that initiated a paradigm shift. 
The weight that had been pressing on me since mid-afternoon lifted gently and I smiled. 

So let me begin again...I didn't expect such devastation...

Our hopes were dashed first thing this morning, after arriving at Bryce's ICU room...his Doctor informed us that he was being moved to another floor....my heart lurched in my chest as I cast a terrified look over at Bryce. His tear-filled eyes met mine...
The Doctor continued..."We have to get all his numbers to a more controlled and consistent level. So we hope only one more day..." He went on to explain that Bryce's liver was struggling as well as his heart rhythm. Until both were stable it wasn't safe to release Bryce. The silence was deafening. Then my Mother's heart kicked in and I gathered Bryce into my arms and let the tears fall...both of us were crying. We thought we were so close...But I also realized that I could never do what the facility and it's personnel could do for Bryce in a crisis, I wanted him as close to their help as necessary, until he was out of the danger of another 'code'.

We moved upstairs and began to talk positively of this new normal. Hope bloomed within me once again. I chose hope, again. However despite my best efforts I could see Bryce getting more and more agitated. His Dr had determined they couldn't risk giving him his normal medications yet- so on top of all this- his anxiety, depression and bi-polar disorder was running rampant inside his head. After another round of heart-wrenching sobs, he said "I just need to go outside Mom." 

One of today's huge tender mercies was that his 'sitter' while self-admitting was nowhere near as bad as Bryce, also did end up in the hospital as she battled similar mental health demons...so she "got" him. She convinced the charge nurse to allow a walk outside...with limitations. We made our way downstairs and through those big glass doors...to breathe fresh, rain-tinted air...see without the distortion of a window...hear the traffic...it was almost too much. Bryce turned to me and I again took him in my arms...all 6'5" of him, and as tears ran down his cheeks his body shook with sobs. I whispered to him..."this...this is why you chose to live! God loves you so much and so do I."

We didn't stay outside long.. but then this happened:
"Man my throat HURTS, someone did a crappy job of putting the tube down my throat!"
Me: "Well let me tell you a little bit more about your arrival at the ER...you were violently convulsing as your body fell victim to the Celexa...you were thrashing so much they not only managed to sedate you but they had to tie you to the bed...so that they could get the tube into your throat. It was infinitely more important to save your life than to worry about hurting your throat." He looked at me wide-eyed. 
Then I said "You have not talked much...that worries me, but is it because it hurts to talk?"
He glumly nodded is head and said softly..."It hurts so bad to talk Mom."

After we returned to his room, we took that throat challenge on & now they are using lozenges and Tylenol to help with the pain. Next hurdle came...he was hungry but someone had decided that because he was newly-diagnosed Diabetic he could only have 75 grams of carbs per meal. The Mother Bear in me came out and I was going to get to the bottom of this new wrinkle. NO ONE STARVES MY CHILD INTENTIONALLY!!! The list of can't do or can't have was pushing us both over the edge. The whole transferring of floors, rooms, Doctors, nurses....was insane! Everyone agreed once I had explained it was a ridiculous expectation.

Then the blind-side of the day...as if what we'd been through wasn't enough... apparently what was meant by his Doctor is once Bryce was medically cleared...he would then be evaluated by the psyche team, and depending on their decision would likely be moved to the Behavioral Modification Unit for up to another seven days!! I am not sure there are words to describe the emotions racing through my heart. I looked over to Bryce and saw fear, anger, defeat and despair in his eyes. I thought this cannot be happening...he won't make it through the night...let alone seven more days! 
Bless his Lion-heart he methodically, without his rational-keeping meds, began to process this new disaster. Finally he looked over at me and said,"I just want to get on with my life...whatever it takes. I'll do it." 

Still reeling from this dramatic change of direction, the Diabetic Doctor showed up and told us it's his belief Bryce has an autoimmune disease that is manifesting in TYPE ONE diabetes! His body fails to produce the right amount of insulin! He agreed it was usually diagnosed much younger...but when I told him Bryce had lost 90 pounds in the last 9 months...he retraced his steps and said well Type 2  usually doesn't manifest this early. Ummm when did anything of the last four days fall into the "USUALLY" category???
He did agree to up Bryce's carb allowance! Small miracles. Baby steps.

Exhausted Bryce fell into a restless sleep and I began to process all we had learned today. My whole world had just tilted. Slowly the tears began to fall. For a minute I could let down my guard to my own jumbled emotions. Again I reached for the Savior's atonement, and I felt for the many prayers that are sustaining me...slowly my world righted itself. If God thought I could do this...then with His help I would.

Several hours later I shared with Bryce my certainty that he had help from the other side of the veil...including his twin Bronson...and his yet-unborn children...to get himself up two flights of stairs in time to get our help that fateful night. He nodded as his eyes filled with tears. Five minutes...five minutes was the difference in him surviving or not. I recounted the blessings we were receiving from doing our Family History and Temple work. He is now living proof of those blessings as his ancestors we had done Temple work for came to his rescue! 

Emotionally running on fumes I returned to my home...only to discover one surprise after another awaiting me. My Kerr sisters...and brothers and spouses... had cleaned my house, stocked...literally...my fridge with tub after tub of fresh cut fruits and veggies...multiple meals...and baskets of our favorite snacks-one for Bryce and one for Lover & me! Flowers too...then custom-cookies from my JetBlue manager had been delivered also. My tears flowed as gratitude filled my heart to overflowing. Tangible evidence of love for our family. The texts, messages, emails, comments and shared experiences on my blog, calls ...even from Australia...still keep coming. I cannot describe the pure knowledge that those prayers and love are literally keeping me standing right now. 

And so another sun has set, another day is history and while I put my bone-weary body to bed, my thoughts of gratitude also remind me that many others are suffering tonight. Oh how I wish everyone could feel the love I have felt these last few days. How I wish hearts could heal, lives know simplicity, souls reconnect with God. It is my prayer that I may more fully be His hands to bless and lift others around me, others whose hidden sorrows only He can see. I wish everyone would believe in His love for them. I long for His arms to encircle me again. But until then I feel His presence in my life and I know I am loved. 

Today?...Please let it be today....

After a great night's sleep, I came awake as the sky was still a little dark outside. A ripple of excitement ran through my body. I smiled in the anticipation, and hope, that today would be the day. My body seemed to hum with hope and...perhaps jump for joy might be overstating it a little...let's just say I was definitely moving with a melody of Motherhood singing in my heart.
I dropped to my knees to begin my expression of faith and gratitude to my Heavenly Father and my elder Brother Jesus Christ. Tears of profound gratitude joined my simple, child-like expressions of a million things to thank them for. Breathing, Bryce breathing. Living, Bryce living. Smiling, Bryce smiling. And hope for a yearning but heavy heart.

Was there truly anything more wonderful than the joy of being alive in this beautiful world He has created for me. Spring flowers. I love all flowers, but there seems to be something truly remarkable about spring flowers. Perhaps it is due in part to growing up in Australia. When I moved here in my youth, I felt incredibly displaced and homesick. I was desperate for something familiar. I found my love of flowers still intact after being up-rooted and re-planted. Maybe I could relate in part. I watched the miracle of bulbs surviving under freezing snow, bursting forth to herald the spring. Tall, strong, beautiful, fulfilling the measure of their creation, being a vibrant happy splash of color amid the snows of winter, blooming where they were planted....these heroes of mine gave me courage to do the same. Have faith in the Master Gardeners hand, rise above the cold challenges of life, bloom where I was planted. Every year they inspire me. They are faithfully proving themselves yet again. They can become what God wanted them to be, so too can I!

As I sat down to blog last night, in the last rays of light of the day I looked outside. I have the perfect glimpse of wonder. In the tiny space between my monitor and the wall, the window  makes an almost perfect frame- of one little patch of my spring flower garden. My breath caught as an absolute riot of colors filled my vision. Purple grape Hyacinths scattered in random abandon, pinks, purples and yellows of ready-to-burst tulips, reaching for the sunshine, standing tall and defying any hint of the cold winter now passed. Bright green of new growth filling in the spaces, promising more vibrant color to come. It was breathtakingly beautiful (I love those words). And then my eyes traveled up over the stately pines behind (the grand kids call it the magic forest back there) and allowing my gaze to wander further, my eyes tracked up all 10,000 feet of the majestic Mount Timpanogos, still bathed in the brilliant white of the last snowfall...to finally the fading brilliant blue sky of our Utah spring. Magnificence personified! God is good!

Well I sat down to capture just a couple of thoughts, you know those early morning explosions of brilliance that often, for me, disappear with the receding darkness that slowly unfolds into day, and I get caught up in the business of my life. Yeah...just jot down a few thoughts I said...just to capture them for my later blog I said....well yes now you know! This is what happens in my head quite often. So I'll be back later....because good heavens we all know I'll have more to share. 

But for now I cling to hope, growing, as the light begins to fill the sky.
Today? Please let it be today.... I love my son Bryce.


Thursday, April 19, 2018

Our beautiful miracle

I have decided to share just two photos here, as Bryce has already seen them.



                                                Our walking, breathing miracle! 

The first picture was taken after he arrived in the Trauma ICU, Tuesday April 17th 2018.
The second was taken...with the requested smile, today Thursday April 19th 2018.

It's very hard to eloquently describe the range of emotions both pictures elicit in my heart.
Awe at the power and majesty of God's priesthood in action. Wonder at the millions of miracles we've seen in just under 72 hours. Delight in seeing and acknowledging all the tender mercies. Gratitude and deep respect for those who have used their knowledge and gifts to serve and ultimately save our son. Humility at the outpouring of love, support and prayers. And indescribable joy for the first glimpse into Bryce's beautiful eyes, signifying his desire to live, and countless prayers answered as he came back to us!

And while I had made my peace with my Heavenly Father sometime last week,(obviously before I had any inkling of what this week would hold) that I had truly done all I could have done as his Mom, and knowing I had done all our loving Heavenly Father had asked me to do for Bryce....ultimately I knew the choice was not mine. Bryce had his agency and as a result if he chose- at any time- to give up the fight here, I promised myself and my Heavenly Father I would not choose guilt for my continued but lonely walk until we could be reunited. Bryce as an addict with huge mental health issues to battle daily, would always be close to my heart and I would choose to remember the beautiful, kind, happy soul I knew as my son Bryce. 

So today as I captured that million-watt smile of his, the pure joy of witnessing his first walk will forever be etched upon my heart. We now know that somehow before the medication
began it's destructive path through his tortured and pain-wracked body...he chose to live!
He chose to live! He did not want to die!

I believe with assistance from beyond the veil...many family members now bound together through Priesthood covenants...saw to it that he chose to live! A mere minutes stood between him and certain death, as he climbed the stairs to ask us to help him. Had he stayed in his room the convulsions seared into my memory would have taken place without a single soul on earth knowing. He would have passed painfully through the veil, alone,and separated from his loved ones in mortality, breaking so many hearts who were left behind.

So today we celebrate life. Today we celebrate life with Bryce.

Tonight after another sleepless night, followed by another long day watching him fight for life. I came home exhausted, to an eerily quiet house, evidence of no one living in it for days...too quiet for comfort, and I thought oh my goodness this could have been my daily discovery..my life and heart and home are so empty without him. I picked up the phone and called him, as much to reassure my aching heart that he would indeed be coming home soon, as to tell him of my hearts discovery. He wept on the phone and simply said...
"Thanks for saying that Mom. I love you."

Ministering and being ministered to in a more holy way, as our beloved Prophet Russell M. Nelson, taught us in our last General Conference, has more depth and meaning to me now than I could have ever begun to believe. The kindness of those who know our pain has been evidenced all around us. We arrived home tonight to a freshly cut lawn (no easy feat ever for our one-acre lot!) and flowers on my front porch assuring us we were in their prayers! Hugs and chats, meeting and visiting Bryce...deliveries of abstinent treats for me...Wendy's frosty's for Bryce, phone calls, texts, messages, tangible prayers and love...the list goes on!
I have loved hearing so many stories back as something I have said or shared has touched a heart. I have no words! My heart will never forget the feelings!

And so I humbly implore that the Lord will hear and answer our united prayers. Tomorrow will either be a very good day, or a very dark, hard one. Bryce must prove he is not a danger to himself or others through a Psych Evaluation. His heart is desperate to get out of the hospital and come home with us...as he said today "I just want to put this behind me and get on with my life."  Words I was delighted to hear from him! He will also have an Echo done on his heart to confirm no permanent damage. If he is cleared, we'll bring him home (we all hope tomorrow) If he is not cleared he will likely be moved to the Psyche floor there until cleared. Please keep praying for him and us, that we may all be able to accept with humility the outcome.

Forever the optimist, I will hold to those tender innermost feelings in humble hope. God is the Captain of my ship! I trust in His plan for each of us. And while I may stumble, or choose poorly at times, His plan is still perfect for me! And for Bryce! And for each of us.

Bryce's Blue eyes

After staying at Bryce's bedside for 14 hours yesterday, I finally forced myself to leave. As soon as I began the walk away from him my heart lurched and the tears began to fall. I thought of all the kind friends I have, whose prayers, love and messages to me are truly sustaining me. In that achingly alone moment I thought who can I call? And I realized the only one I wanted to talk to and be with was Clark. In our shared grief we had an unbreakable bond, many tears together, heart-felt prayers and quiet suffering as we watch and wait. 
Getting on to the elevator I knew there was One other who knew with perfect empathy, and infinite love and compassion what my aching heart felt and needed...slowly I allowed Him to lift my burdens and lighten my broken heart. His presence was tangible, and my love for my older Brother and Savior Jesus Christ expanded and knew no boundaries. 

I stepped out in to the dark but warm night and began to drive through the dark and deserted streets. As I got closer to my home I saw the Mount Timpanogos Temple all lit up- standing like a stalwart beacon shining against the dark sky. I kept my eyes focused on it and was suddenly flooded with the sure knowledge again...we are an Eternal Family. I do know that with all my heart. I know we lived as a family, including Bryce's twin Bronson, and two other unnamed babies, before we came to earth! The veil has been thin between family who have already passed and I know they are also strengthening us from the view. I also know Bryce's children are cheering for him-and anxious to come to earth. These beautiful truths seeped deep into my aching heart, as they did, the Temple became a symbol to me, a beautiful, constant reminder that God honors His covenants with me! And I live my covenants to keep each of my children and grandchildren bound to us for Eternity. I also remembered that these sacred Temples are all over the earth, binding Satan from our lives as we choose to allow that. What power the gospel gives me!

My sweet RS President, (also a Sharon!) stopped in to give me a hug yesterday. It was perfectly timed, and deeply appreciated. I was blessed by her loving ministering! Knowing my abstinence from flour and sugar (our comfort foods usually) she brought me fresh fruit! That was awesome...and yesterday Bryce wanted to eat...but before his food arrived he was starving so I shared my fruit and he moaned in simple pleasure as he eagerly ate! He has continued to eat it and loves it. I also got another hug from such an unexpected source my sweet young friend Kaylee we ran into at the hospital cafe...she was on the final watch of her grandmother (who passed during the night.) I haven't seen her for many years so it was a sweet and tender visit.

And then I can't ever adequately express the pure gratitude I feel for my fellow JetBlue girls (and Derek) who have sent so many kind wishes and prayers and who so willingly have taken my hours for these days, without hesitation. No thought for reciprocating a trade as so often we all do...just working my hours into their already busy schedules and full lives, constantly sending me support and reassurances. What makes this even more remarkable is the vast majority of my co-workers I have never physically met! We all work from home but are remarkably close in contact through our private work FB pages. They inspire me! I love the spirit of love and concern when any of us are struggling with anything. But to this time be the recipient of it...wow! They take my breath away!  

Bryce continued to show incremental improvements. His throat was very sore from the intubation, but without it he slowly got some voice back. Little by little they continued to decrease his lines of meds and minerals etc. He had 9 and is now down to one. Although they've been giving him potassium through the night to get his levels out of the danger zone.
He had a bowl of chicken noodle soup and half a grilled cheese sandwich, but the sandwich hurt! He had shrimp pasta and chocolate ice cream for dinner. (About half of both was all he could manage) He is still monitored very closely which means he often drifts off to sleep only to be woken again minutes later. He wants to go home very badly, but I don't have the heart to tell him it may not be for several more days. Clark just took in his favorite sweats, PJ's and shorts because I want to see if we can get him up for a walk. Maybe he'll be encouraged about his stage of healing when he sees the other patients in the Neuro/Shock/Trauma ICU. They told me last night they don't keep too many snacks on that unit as most of the patients aren't eating much! I thought yes most are heavily sedated. 

I am grateful to see Bryce's beautiful eyes. He's always had very expressive eyes but I have come to appreciate that blessing on a whole deeper level as there is still so much to be said that can't be just yet.
We did have one conversation I'd like to share.

"Mom I can't remember anything after driving to the hospital.."
Completely unwilling to talk about those ten most terrifying moments of my life! 
 I said- "You were sedated as soon as you arrived so they could work to save your life."
Me "What do you remember after you went downstairs when we were finished talking?"
Bryce "I took a bunch of Celexa..."
Me "Then what did you do?"
Bryce "I hung out down there for awhile.."
Me " And you wrote me a note...do you remember that.."
I saw awareness flood his eyes, then apprehension, and fear...
Me "And what did you do next?"
Bryce "I came upstairs to wake you up to go to the ER..."
Me "Why did you do that....no reply...you did that because you didn't want to die, you wanted to live!"
He nodded his head as tears filled his eyes...
Me "That's the part you need to focus on, you made a great decision not to die!"

He was emotional and tender a lot during the day, and at one point he said "I just want to cry." Which he did as I held him. Cass and Emma, then Dani and Paul came in. All of whom he was happy to see and feel their love. Grandma Weaver had visited earlier during the day, but he is still sleeping through most of the visits. It's very hard for him to follow someone else's conversation for very long. He remembers some things but not others as his brain heals as well. I so appreciate the sacrifices his siblings are making to drive all the way down and then only staying for a few minutes. They are amazing and continue to all be critical to his healing. Collectively they have chosen not to share any of this situation with their children, at this time. We have very tender-hearted grandchildren who adore Bryce so their parents will monitor that. So if you are related to these remarkable little ones please don't ask about Bryce.

After they had all left he wanted a Father's blessing which Clark freely gave. Bryce was very anxious about being alone that night. He has a "sitter" the hospital assigns a nurse from another floor who MUST remain in his room at all times, until he is cleared by a psychiatrist....eventually. So he is never alone. But he knew the demons of the night were already lurking in his frail mind. He seemed to settle after the blessing and I stayed a bit longer. Finally I let him choose if I stayed during the night, or stayed during the day. I honestly told him I couldn't do 24 hours there. He understood and he said come tomorrow.

So here we are happily passing the 48 hour mark and moving forward. Until we meet again...

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Bryce’s Blinks

35 hours....and counting and waiting.
The calculation of a ‘half-life’ timeline for his level of ingested meds is 36 hours....however that’s just a best guess scenario....as no one can know how much has been metabolized by his body, and heart especially. So yesterday afternoon Kylee sat with him for several hours and after awhile he would open his eyes and seemed to know she was close by and searched for her eyes. They have always been close friends and her tender heart struggled to see him suffering but she pushed through her own feelings to support him.
Later Cassidy and Emma arrived and during a brief lucid moment I told Bryce to look who was here. When Cassidy came into Bryce’s line of sight his eyes nearly popped out of his head!! The pure delight and surprise was priceless-Emma & I both simultaneously cried with joy! Cass talked to Bryce -told him he loved him and Bryce tried to say it back but was unable so I told Bryce “blink twice if you love Cass too” Bryce immediately gave two HUGE blinks. Then he turned to the other side of his bed and responded the same to seeing Emma. I wondered if perhaps Bryce didn’t remember they have recently moved back here, they haven’t seen much of each other the last few years.

Clark and I decided to go home overnight for some much-needed sleep and down-time. We called as soon as we woke up to learn they were attempting to extubate and had stopped his sedation. After he wanted to talk to me. And to hear his timid tentative raspy “  Mom...” was such powerful evidence of prayers answered and I felt God’s love for Bryce again and His infinite empathetic devotion to each of us....it took my breath away!

We arrived to learn he had coded again and was just coming around as I rushed to his side. He responded with tears in his eyes and “I’m sorry” on his lips while fear, pain, relief and then joy radiated from his eyes. He was swamped with so many emotions. I took his sweet face in my hands and assured him of our love and that all would be well. He wanted us close asked where he was and I began to talk. He closed his eyes and I said “do you want me to talk or would you rather ask what you need to know?” He said just keep talking. So I did, however I didn’t really say much then as we could tell he wasn’t really able to follow much. I think it was more an assurance that I was close by.

They began adjusting his IV minerals and meds when his heart suddenly began to race and rhythm was all over the place again. Suddenly he was throwing up and as they were getting ready to shock his heart to prevent another code....he started to choke on his vomit as they were standing back I shouted “he’s going to choke!” And took the barfbag to his mouth until he was through throwing up then we cleared the bed and they shocked him....unfortunately it was a very different experience for him this time though because he was alert and screamed with the pain of feeling it. My Mother-bear heart was beating out of my chest!!!!

Whenever any patient codes everyone on the floor comes running so we usually have a room-full and an audience as well. Life in the trauma ICU.....
After all that he settled into a bit more comfortable stretch. We were feeling a bit more optimistic at this point and then suddenly everything went south. They explained that we’ll continue to see typical reactions to an ‘overdose ‘ of the Celexa (as the level he has metabolized is unknown)

So we watch and wait. I’m having snippets of conversation as he is alert... but he keeps dozing off.
He was wiggling around a bit ago and when I asked what he wanted....
“I just want to see outside.” That spoke volumes to my heart and I felt again the balm of  my loving Savior....Bryce wants to live!

I choose to believe that inspite of all we’ve experienced.

Clark, our children and I, continue to be sustained by the thousands of tender prayers world-wide
( I can say that because of the messages, posts & phone calls from family and friends in Australia!) the living ministering visits, messages and calls to do anything to be of help, and listing us on Temple prayer rolls everywhere, I feel so incredibly blessed! Thank you all! Each of you have lifted and sustained me, way beyond you can even imagine.

My heart aches for those of you who have also lived similar nightmares and I pray that following our journey can ultimately bring you comfort and peace- whatever that looks and feels like for you!


I love you all and close in deep gratitude, until next time!

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

The joy of a blink!

Bryce has been at UVRMC for just over 12 hours now. He’s sedated  because of the intubation, so he can’t speak. They have tried several treatments to get his erratic heart rhythm into a stable and more normal range. With the shift change and the fluid state he’s been in new ideas came forward and slowly through the day his heart is responding ! We went home and slept for a couple of hours cleaned up ate and returned, having made a plan for the next few days.
Upon our return his heart was more normal and then he opened his eyes, focused on me with recognition, and of course was distressed about where he was . I talked soothingly and told him he was in the hospital and that I loved him. Then I said don’t talk but blink twice if you understand me...JOY OF JOYS he blinked twice in response. I was thrilled!!! However he grows very agitated so then we talk him down and he flees his eyes again. Unfortunately because of the meds running into him, next time he totally forgets the other conversation. So every time he starts to wake, he’s in shock again about where he is and why....
They are addressing emerging issues and his heart stability is remaining constant. Answers to so many prayers. So many have told me they’ve put our names on the Temple prayer rolls...even in Sydney! We certainly are feeling those prayers- they are the reason we’re still standing!
Of course we’ve had our tears and moments of near-despair, but we’re leaning heavily on each other and the Lord. They have discovered he has Diabetes...but have it controlled as the day has progressed.
His sister Kylee has been here and is currently talking to him, when his eyes open for a few seconds . His older brother Cassidy is coming down as soon as he lands  from a business trip to NJ.
My heart aches as I watch him struggle but the many tender mercies are undeniable !
I still think the biggest miracle is that he came upstairs and woke us last night..,,.is it really not even 24 hours yet?....had he not come up when he did, he would have started seizing downstairs -alone-and  we would never have known and the outcome could have been very different.
So that’s where we are they expect the life of the meds he ingested is 36 hours so we’re not out of the woods yet. But we feel progress is being made.

My shattered heart

About 13 hours ago, after just falling asleep, Bryce woke us with an urgent plea...
"Mom, Dad I need to go to the Hospital."
I stumbled into some clothes and met him in the car. 
As we left the garage I said "What have you taken?"
He replied "90 Celexa." Shoving down the fear curling inside my heart I said,
"How much was each pill?" 
His solemn reply, "20 mg."
Not three minutes later he looked all wild-eyed at me and then with a groan I will never forget, he began have a seizure in the car. My reactionary thoughts were will he throw himself out of the moving car? Would he grab the steering wheel and cause us to crash at the high rate of speed I was currently driving....we'd both be killed. Would I make it to the American Fork ER before he died?
Within three more minutes I was fumbling with my phone to call 911. He continued to thrash around in the front seat and I don't think I have ever lived through such terrifying moments.
"911 what's your emergency?" 
"I am en-route to AF ER with a suicidal 26 male. He has ingested 90 Celexa and appears to be having a seizure."
"Continue on hang up and drive, I will alert the ER you are coming."
Safely running red-lights and dodging the very few cars on the darkened streets I made to the ER where we were met with a wheelchair we managed to get him into, and they took him inside while I parked my car, and began calling my children. We called our dear friend Gary Little who joined Clark to give Bryce a special Priesthood Blessing. Later he would tell me Clark blessed Bryce to receive the necessary medical treatment, that the Doctors would know how to treat him, and he blessed him with the will to live.
They sedated him, pumped his stomach (retrieving multiple broken pill parts...meaning much had been ingested) then when his stomach was clear they pumped him full of charcoal which binds to the drugs in his stomach reducing the effects. Which we unfortunately knew from his first attempt about 10 years ago with a handful of Ibuprofen. His heart was erratic, his blood sugar was insanely high...600! And he continued to twitch all over as they restrained him to get IV lines etc into him. They x-rayed. blood-tested, and we all waited. I don't know that I would describe my feelings as useless, I knew in my heart I had done everything I could possibly have done for this precious child. I also knew God was very aware of Bryce and his personal struggles. 
About 10 days ago we discovered he was 'using' again through his addict behavior we were intimately acquainted with. Not illegal drugs but a 'natural' over the counter opioid-like substance. Using. Again. In my home. For nearly 10 days Clark and I wrestled with what to do next. During this time I came face-to-face with the reality that Bryce might not ever be able to stay in recovery. He may even choose to end his life. I promised myself were this ever my reality...I would not feel guilty. I would trust my loving Heavenly Father would ultimately know the desires of both our hearts and would love and sustain me and Bryce too. Finally we confronted him, he admitted his use and we asked him to begin to pack and leave. His response was pretty mellow and while obviously wanted us to reconsider, we were firm. Feeling our hearts break yet again. I said Bryce you have already made your choice...now this is your consequence. Our choice would be for you to stay and continue to recover...that is no longer a choice we can make.
An hour later he wrote this:"I'm sorry for everything. I obviously can't live like this anymore. I love you all and thanks for trying. But I can't do this. Goodbye"
He coded three times....and they re-set his heart, however nothing seemed to be counter-acting the medications affect on his heart. After a couple of hours the Doctor's knew he needed to be under the care of heart doctors...they couldn't life-flight him as the weather was too bad. So they loaded him in an ambulance and transported him to UVRMC in Provo.
Now we wait. I will continue to blog throughout this experience and please know I feel incredibly sustained by family, friends,co-workers, ward family and especially my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ...who knows each exquisite pain in my soul.