Home-made Icecream

We've made a lot of home-made Ice cream at our house over the years. And to get the 'perfect' ice cream there has to be the calculated balance of time, ingredients, coldness, salt and churning. There have been times when after what seemed like forever...the ice cream maker is finally silenced...and slowly and carefully the lid is raised....and we are flooded with disappointment as the mixture is runny and under-developed. Frustratingly we re-start the maker, add more ice, churn it again...Eventually when that delicate, somewhat elusive balance has been met, then when that little lid is raised and we look inside....we are delighted to see peaks of soft, perfect, ice cream. First comes the "phew" because we are finished...then comes the laughter as we eagerly anticipate the delightful perfection of-    ICE CREAM!

Later we ponder that perfect balance, quite necessary to the perfect ice cream. Sometimes we get it right the first time....and other times we must make more effort and attempts. 
But that balance is what we are aiming for. 

Today as I came into my wakefulness, and consciousness began tug at me, thoughts began to filter into my mind and heart. And slowly the painful events of yesterday's final goodbye with Dakota, moved into focus. At first I wanted to pretend it was all just a bad dream...but then I knew...it was real. We had said goodbye to a beautiful soul, tortured at times for sure, but a light on earth had been extinguished, and no amount of hopes or tears could change that. I laid perfectly still, afraid that if I moved my heart would break into a million pieces and all would be lost. 

Slowly my room began to fill with light, as the sun started to appear over the mountain top. When those heavenly shards of perfect light began to reach toward me, I knew with certainty that just like my ice cream the perfect balance for Dakota had been achieved. He had done all God required him to do. Heavenly Father had taken Dakota home, no longer to struggle and suffer with the mortality of earth life and the imperfect physical body. Now Dakota was free to learn and grow and be with those he had lost to death prior to his own.

Just like my ice cream each of us is prepared by loving Heavenly Parents, given the perfect environment of ingredients to become who we are supposed to become, then we are surrounded by such cold...pain & heartache...and churned...tested and tried...sometimes when we think all is lost and we can't go on-Father lifts the lid and peaks in. Sometimes some of us are complete, and sometimes others need more churning to become so. And while many of us would argue that Dakota wasn't quite done here yet...our loving, all-knowing Father has said...now is the time. Dakota has been lifted out of the cold, the struggle and the pain here. He was met with laughter, and family & friends who celebrated his arrival with tears of more joy and more love than I can ever perceive exists.

Slowly I begin to heal as I glimpse the Eternal Plan. I will see him, and Craig and many others that I love again someday. Until then I need to do my best to endure and learn the cold, the churning, the tests lovingly determined by Father to make me how I am to become,the peeking by Heavenly Father....all to see when I am done to perfection. 

I have never in my life been so surrounded by tangible sadness, as I was yesterday. I watched so many heartbroken and lost, struggle to come to terms with this separation from our sweet Dakota. It tore at me and beat me up pretty badly. Ultimately I had to walk away, I love each of them so much! However the hopelessness was strangling my core belief...I do live with hope for life after this vale of tears. I know exactly where Craig & Dakota are. I also know that I agreed to much of this life's tests before I ever left Father's presence to accept this mortal body and experiences.

My heart no longer aches for Dakota, I'll miss him for sure. But my heart is hurting for his siblings and parents, and children and friends for whom the struggle is still real. Their lives 
are in the churning, surrounded by the cold, I wish they would reach for God's warmth. It breaks my heart all over again as I hold them while we sob in an agony. But I am richly blessed to have warmth and light in my heart nurtured by God. And while my tears may still flow I am doing all I can to be ready when He lifts the lid...and pronounces me perfect to go back home with Him. 

And another day begins....I think I'll make some ice cream.

Love ya Koda Bear! 

I hate addiction

My sweet nephew Dakota, died of an overdose early this morning. His father, my brother Craig died the same way 15 years ago. As I have tried to process this tragedy, the level of personal pain, the depth of fear, and the heartache that accompanied this news rocked me to my very soul. My heart is aching for Dakota's Mom Jeni, for my Mother Gwen. All the emotions of how close we came to losing Bryce, just bubbled up in a fury to the surface. 
We both sobbed as I told Bryce, he kept saying "I am so sorry Mom...I am so sorry Mom...at least he doesn't have to suffer anymore." I told him Dakota had finished rehab, completed the sober living house, and had moved into an apartment with one of the guys at the house...and now he's gone home to his Dad in Heaven. Slipping through the veil alone, I have no doubt Dakota went straight to his father's loving arms, and was surrounded by so many other friends, and his family...never to be alone again!  

My sadness turned into white-hot anger next. I wanted someone to blame. I wanted someone to pay! I wanted this not to be true. When does any addict get to win? I knew anger is the second emotion...and it served absolutely no purpose, except to mask the pain. I acknowledged that I needed to feel the pain, to ask Christ to ease that pain, rather than act foolishly myself. I let the anger go. I knew if I stayed in the anger I would be giving control to Satan. I needed to stay close to the Lord and have His Spirit to be with me. I needed His enabling power as I face the family today...they need to know of Heavenly Father's love. They need hope of where Dakota is now.

Yesterday I kept getting the prompting to fill my car up with gas...I continued to ignore it, thinking I'll do it when it's more empty. I am paying for that poor choice today. However yesterday I was also asked to give the opening prayer in Sacrament Meeting, which I accepted readily. No one would have faulted me, this morning to have Clark do it for me...but I realized that Heavenly Father knew yesterday when I was asked, what my morning today would be like, so I decided to do it. Clark was ready in the moment to step in for me. But as I read (rather than sang) the opening hymn I felt the peace only the Savior can bring, trickle into my heart and fill me to overflowing. 

...And may our thoughts still turn to Thee, 
With loved ones, friends, and family. 
In all we do till day is gone, 
may worship still continue on.
Help each to seek a quiet hour 
To read Thy word and feel Thy pow'r. 
To hear Thy voice, though small and still, 
Renew our strength to do Thy will.
Father on this Sabbath day, Be with us gathered here, we pray. 
Father on this Sabbath day, Be with us in our homes we pray. 
Father on this Sabbath day, Be with us in our hearts, we pray.
Hymn #148 Sabbath Day 

Enveloped in His tender arms, I felt His peace. Slowly I walked to the front, and prayed, I invited His spirit to attend our meeting, without a tear. What a testimony of the power of Christ's atoning, enabling power! He is my Savior!
Friends wrapped me in their arms as they came to know. All of them also asked how Bryce had taken the news. Their love helps heal my grieving broken heart! 

I hate addiction! I have watched the destructive power of addiction tear Dakota's family apart. And I realized this morning that maybe one of the reasons addiction is all around each of us, and is so prevalent in the final scenes on this earth is because once Satan has led someone to addiction...he can walk away because he no longer has to play an active role in destroying that child of God. Addiction does his work for him...and he moves on to another.

And so as I ache I step forward through this hard day, as I try to comfort Dakota's family, I continue to pray for His sustaining power. With a prayer in my heart, I will try to live my life, that others may want to be closer to Christ, because they know me.

When there's no peace on earth, there is peace in Christ.
He gives us hope when hope is gone.
He gives us strength, when we can't go on.
He gives us shelter, in storms of life.
When there's no peace on earth, there is peace in Christ. 

Many of you know we follow little Claire Ryann Crosby she and her Dad Dave sang this beautiful song when it was released to coincide with the YM/YW theme this year.
You can see them singing it on Utube  https://davecrosby.bandcamp.com/track 

I testify, there is peace in Christ, only He who bore our sins, pain and heartache, can bring us peace and hope and strength! He has, He is, and He will.

To nap or not to nap...

I finished work early today and felt completely unmotivated to do much at all. So I slowly climbed the stairs to my bedroom and climbed under the sheet, and closed my eyes.
However the brief nap I had thought I might be able to take...never materialized.

Instead my brain suddenly switched on and I came to realize that my fear of planning ahead, and my inability to commit to much beyond work...and  a little of my calling...were merely attempts to silence the march inside my head. I craved silence, stillness, and yet they continued to evade me. I realized as I lay there that my real fear was that in those coveted and occasional moments of quiet, the reality of what I had been through with Bryce's attempt clawed at me- demanding to be believed, and shared else I feared they would eventually squeeze the very life out of me. I didn't want the quiet as much as I wanted the reality of suffering to be silenced. However today I realized, I had to give this reality a voice. I needed to keep writing, until all the words had been expressed. Not only did I hope by doing this, that I would achieve peace...but I knew the responsibility of speaking this aloud continued to weigh heavily on my shoulders.

I had stopped writing because I couldn't do it any more. It seemed like my desire to write had just evaporated. I was so emotionally spent. When I began to blog about Bryce, I thought it would be a way to disseminate information because I didn't think I was capable of telling the graphic details repeatedly. And yet somehow now that we were living in this new normal with Bryce...somehow something felt incomplete, undone..unfinished.

And suddenly I felt a shift within my heart and head, and I knew I had to write again. Images of that fateful night came in to such perfect clarity, how the events unfolded took my breath away. Suddenly I knew they were not only real, but Divinely guided. Every step of this journey has been under His gentle guidance. Events that have no mortal explanation, stand as a living testimony to a God who loves each one of us. They testify of His divine plan for each of us. And that alone gives me hope, again.

Each of us carries heavy burdens at times. No one is exempt from mortal trials. There is meaning and reason behind them, if we can look at them as opportunities to grow. 

Recently a dear friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer. As she began her chemo today, it caused me to reflect on other dear people who have also struggled with this insidious disease. My heart aches for them all. Then my dear Bishop came very close to losing his sweet wife last week, in a freak post-surgery problem. As I have prayed for her recovery, and watched him and his family rally to her side, I am again reminded that mortality is for our trials. No trial here follows us across the veil...they are only for this life.

How grateful I am to learn and grow by not only my trials, but in watching others struggle with theirs. And then my heart aches for all of those whose pain and struggle is just as real except I may be completely unaware of it. Those who water their pillows at night with the tears of loneliness, frustration, shaken faith, and heartache for things they cannot change.

How our pain must fill Heavenly Fathers heart, for He loves us so! I think of how our dear Savior paid the ultimate price for all our sins and suffering! How often do I think I can handle my life and trials myself. How my suffering or struggle is too insignificant to trouble the Savior, creator of the world. How wrong I am. As I watch my children and grandchildren struggle...I often wish I could take away their pain. We all do I am sure. But we can't. 
Only one of us can...The Savior of the World. The Son of God. 
The ultimate and perfect mediator, for us. Jesus Christ. 

And so as I watch the sky grow darker, foreshadowing the close of yet another day, I am grateful for the insights of this day. I am so grateful for the desire to write again. I love to write. And slowly I will keep adding to the book I have been told to write, the light I need to shine on the reality of addiction, drug abuse and suicide. I am grateful to be an instrument in the hand of God. He has blessed me with many gifts, and so I must go forward blessing others with the gifts I have been given.

To each of us who hurt, please know you are not alone. Many from the other side of the veil stand near and are more willing and able than any of us realize to intervene and lift us all. 
God is good. We are loved. Every one of us.

#36yearslovingLover

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away....ok so maybe just 36 years ago in Orem...

Lover & I became a new family. He asked...I said  "yes" and our new chapter began. 

With my hand firmly in his we have trudged our happy road of destiny, here in mortality.

Holding each other close we have gone through the shadowy valley's of heartache, often feeling tattered and torn we have emerged, and climbed up to the next mountain top. 

Pausing at the peaks, we have been blessed with beautiful vistas, our ability to see farther enhanced by the struggles we have survived.

Together we have always remained firm in our commitment that for us divorce is not an option. Though at times tempted to take, what seemed the easier path, we have remained totally committed to each other, our faith in Jesus Christ and His ability to heal our hearts, and our ability- through His Atonement, to keep moving forward together.

We have loved, laughed and sometimes lost, weeping and in pain, but this wild ride we call life, has been pretty amazing! 

Lover has been my rock, my playmate, the arms to hold me as I weep, he has brought smiles to my face, especially when I didn't feel like smiling. He has been my support when I felt weak, my cheerleader when I hesitated, my example when I stumble, he is the lift in my wings when I have the chance to soar, my soft place to land when I crumble, my number one fan of each achievement.

I have so loved having Lover in my every breath of this life. His dedication to the covenant path, his willingness to worthily bear and use the Priesthood of God, his selfless kindness and continuous thoughtfulness often take my breath away. I have wondered how I was ever capable to find and marry the perfect man for me. I only can thank my Heavenly Father for orchestrating this incredible blessing I call marriage.

And so on this our 36th anniversary, my heart soars at the thought of having him at my side for Eternity! 

I pause today to thank you, Lover, from every part of my soul I rejoice in who you are to me, and say Happy Anniversary to you my love! Thank you for the last 36, and I eagerly anticipate another 36 and more through the end of time.

I love you...you complete me!