Wednesday, April 24, 2019

The protecting power of peace.

I love remembering that the one emotion Satan can not duplicate is peace. Peace is directly associated to Christ. It's how we measure our use of His Atonement. It's how we slow down enough to recognize and cultivate the presence of the Holy Ghost, the member of the Godhead we are allowed to be in the presence of. Throughout this last year, but even more especially in just the last few months, I have come to understand His peace on a whole new level.

When I am obedient to His directive to focus on Him (not Bryce) it's almost like I am in a protective bubble. Shrouded by peace I am protected from the fiery darts of the adversary. I am not subject to the dramatic mood swings and erratic behavior that often fills Bryce's life. I am empowered to turn the other cheek more often, and serve Bryce quietly in ways I am not sure he even is aware of. I bear him no malice- regardless of his choices. Clark and I are strengthened in our relationship, creating a formidable team together.

Twice now I have felt the peace shatter, by my own actions, and it is devastating! However those painful lessons have taught me well. I learned to repent quickly. I choose peace!

Tonight as I was writing in my favorite Purple Journal. I absolutely love how many times I come to the end of an entry, and page, and the scripture printed at the bottom of the page becomes a second witness to the lessons I am learning and writing about. Tonight was no exception.

Isaiah 26:3
"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee: because He trusteth in thee." ( Or he trusteth in Thee ) A little poetic license, or personal revelation....but oh my goodness. As I keep my eyes fixed on Christ, He will continue to bless me with peace, even amid the storms!

As I sit here tonight the storm is blowing in fiercely. It is testing the mettle of all the new spring leaves, and flowers. It has already up-ended my hammock! And yet as I watch the 70 foot trees on my little corner of the universe, I marvel again at how their deep roots allow these magnificent trees to sway and bend...but not break! 
How deep are my spiritual roots? How far do I bend under the storms of life? Bend but not break! As the gentle rain falls, battered a little by the winds, the tulips close up for the night, protecting themselves in the storm. Slowly the winds die down and we all collectively breathe a sigh of relief. I can now hear the all-soothing sound of the rain on the tin roof outside my office. it makes me smile.

We have all survived another day. Tomorrow will look brighter in the sunshine. And for tonight, I will enjoy the scent of the rain and the earth washed clean again. I will turn my face to my Savior and bask in the protective blessing of peace. May His peace touch and bless your life too, as we each toil against the storms of life.

Saturday, April 13, 2019

Toiling against the storm

We were in the car on the way home from Liam's game today when Tayden suddenly says, "Nanny, in a few years (he's 5) when we are teenagers will you still tell us we're cute?" I thought quickly, now that's a loaded question...I laughed and told him, that I would tell him he was awesome, that I loved him, and I'd still want to hug him...then I asked him, "Will you still hug me and give me kisses?" He smiled and nodded. #meltsmyheart It is so wonderful to see our world through his eyes from time to time. I also smiled because I also love that all my kids still hug and kiss me. There have been several times this week that Bryce has walked in to wherever I am and said, "I need a hug." And as I wrap my arms around all 6'5" of him I feel so blessed, and grateful that he is alive, and asking for hugs. 

This week it seems Bryce's level of happiness has increased daily. He is noticing the changes as he is consistently taking his Meds. I am still dumbfounded at the clarity of thought he displayed when he asked me to help him get to the Doctor so he could start taking his Meds again. Such an unexpected answer to prayer. I had a friend tell me just yesterday that she still puts our names on the Temple Prayer Roll regularly. I am not sure I can ever adequately describe how completely confident I am that without all the prayers offered in my behalf, I would not be standing today! Thank you seems so little for so much but it's all I've got. I pray someday I can bless someone's life as you have mine!


As we have come nearer to April 15th my emotions have been all over the place, as I contemplate coming to the one-year mark of Bryce's near-fatal suicide attempt. I have retraced those tumultuous days leading up to that fated conversation with him. I think of the things the Lord told me, how He guided me through those last few days. And now I reflect on some of the incredible experiences we have had these last twelve months. The pain and the countless miracles were all part of Heavenly Fathers Perfect Plan. I realized recently that had The Lord told me what Bryce was choosing to do...I know I would have done absolutely anything to prevent his attempt. And to what end...I know the statistics, he would try again, and the result may have gone the other way. That's not the point though. The point is The Lord had His own plan in place, and He knew His timing for Bryce to go Home wasn't that day, or the next or the next....

Recently I learned that when Nephi was commanded to return to Jerusalem and retrieve the plates from King Laban, he answered with complete confidence and faith in the Lord's ability to make this happen. Now here's the part of the story I had never realized before...Nephi wasn't told how to accomplish this seemingly-impossible task. Nephi wasn't told..."Oh and by the way you'll need to kill Laben first!" I can now see the wisdom in the Lord's plan, and realize we may have had a very different outcome to that story, had Nephi known everything before he returned to the Palace. Suddenly this parallel to my journey with Bryce took on a whole new perspective, and suddenly I knew why the Lord hadn't told me a year ago that April 15th would forever burn in my memory. He knew it. I didn't need to. It's as simple as that. Agency is a beautiful gift from an all-knowing, all-loving, all-seeing God.  

Another thought recently is when Christ walked across the water to his disciples, it was only after He had observed them "Toiling" against the storm. He watched them struggle. He didn't step in immediately and thwart the valuable lessons they were learning. He was growing Apostles! He knew what they would go through after He left them. Always the Master Teacher, He allowed them the space to learn and grow. Just like Bryce, and me, He knew the outcome, and what it required to accomplish it. My goodness what strength! 

Yet another Tender Mercy, I had applied multiple times to work the MCCM (Multi channel crew member) team at work, indeed I had been on the advisory team for JetBlue as we ventured into this new platform of communicating with our customers. I was disheartened repeatedly as I couldn't seem to make it all come together. Each time I turned it over to the Lord knowing His plan would be perfect. Then as this uncomfortable anniversary drew closer, I wasn't sure what to expect, or how I would feel. Then last week I received an email inviting me to train for this new opportunity, and my on-site training would be Monday 4/15 !! Suddenly I saw the beautiful wisdom in His plan for me. Not only would I be out of my normal environment, so preoccupied with training, but He saw to it that I would be surrounded by my work peeps, who knew all I had been through this last year. He is incredible! God is good.


Friday, April 5, 2019

Which way am I facing today?

I was reminded this week about King Benjamin's address in the Book of Mormon as his final "General Conference" The people came to hear him speak, gathering as families they set their tents up facing King Benjamin, so they could hear him and to avoid any possible distractions. I love the gentle reminder this gives me every time I read it, and every time I think of it, and especially as General Conference starts tomorrow. Which way am I facing? Am I facing towards God's Prophets and Jesus Christ?

While this week seemed to be heading the right direction as we got started, Monday quickly lured me in to a false sense of peace. Bryce asked me to take him to the Doctor so he could get his medications re-started. I was stunned at the clarity of thought that request represented. Clark and I scrambled to get him in to his Doctor, even though he had no openings. Then Clark had to pay off Bryce's delinquent account there to be seen. 

During the course of the visit the Doctor asked Bryce if he had thoughts of hurting himself....the silence was deafening as we waited for Bryce to regain his composure enough to articulate his answer. 
"Yes every single day....but I am not going to."
Doctor then asked, "Where do you feel safe?"
Bryce said, "Upstairs with my parents. That is the only place I feel safe. Downstairs in my room it holds too many bad memories" He goes through phases where he literally lives on my couch upstairs. Prior to this appointment I had summoned specific prayers from my Spirit Squad, that Bryce's medications (which usually take weeks to have an affect) would work immediately.

By later that afternoon Bryce told us he was feeling so much better. While I am sure there is some relief in his mind that 'help' is on it's way, I cannot discount the faith-filled prayers and love from those who were aware of our struggles in that moment. I am so grateful for each of you, who in one way or another strengthen and support us here.

My delight in this right direction was shattered by Tuesday. My spiritual gift of discernment doesn't allow for his lies to go undetected. He also knows while I may not react to his lies, he knows I know when he is lying. And lie he did, multiple times. And as the afternoon wore on, and I was continuing to attempt to keep it all together while I worked....suddenly everything inside me began to quickly unravel. I got off work and sat at my desk and cried. I asked the Lord what I should do and He quickly responded, "Call Sheron." She is my neighbor and has unfortunately had some similar life experiences, so I knew she would empathize completely.

After texting her I needed a hug, I stepped outside to meet here so my conversation wouldn't be overheard by Bryce. Sheron took one look at me from across the street, and bolted through her gate and sprinted to meet me. I fell into her tight hug sobbing. She just held on and gradually I felt I could keep breathing. We talked for awhile and suddenly the garage door opened and Bryce walked outside and put a bag into the garbage can, then went back inside without a word. What I discovered in that bag broke my heart even further. Suddenly I was contemplating calling the police....

Clark came home and we began to talk and I began to rage at all the unfairness, all the sacrifices we were making for a son who seemed not to care. The thought kept running through the chaos of my mind...I just can't take any more...

Then Clark lovingly and quietly said, "Sharon who's side are you on? Because it looks to me like your Momma Bear attitude is in full swing, and I thought you were supposed to be focusing on Christ." I sat perfectly still as the realization washed over me. Somewhere between- being the mouthpiece for Christ, an instrument in His hands as instructed on Sunday-and this raving, angry Mom who's heart was filleted and bleeding and hurting, somewhere, I had witnessed the very miracle the Lord had promised me and somehow, drew the conclusion that His directive was now over. And my focus shifted back to Bryce.

I apologized to Clark and then climbed the stairs and humbly knelt at my bedside to beg for forgiveness from the Lord. I had not lived up to my part of the directive...and He needed me to turn and face Him again. So my thoughts of not being able to take any more, were indeed exactly how I felt, when I wasn't facing the Savior! He hadn't let me down, He was still there, patiently waiting for me to turn back around and face Him again.

So I have learned another great lesson, His directive is as much for my happiness as it is for His Perfect Plan to unfold, in His Perfect Timing, for Bryce- and us. How grateful I am for a strong, loving husband who knew when to say the exact thing I needed to hear. And while we still don't know much about the next chapter of our lives, I can look up and forward in faith and peace. I have been dreading the anniversary of Bryce's attempt, I had so hoped he would have been in a much better place, however, we will take it as it comes. Facing the Savior, I am excited to have General Conference all weekend long, to strengthen me, to lift me, to bind up my aching heart and to help me understand what the Lord needs for me to do now. 

As always, God is Good!