To breathe or not to breathe, that is the question.

I wonder sometimes why certain events play out like they do, and try to understand the life lessons the Lord wants me to learn. I decided to blog about this partly in hopes of figuring out the lesson to be learned.

Many of you may remember the horrific experience I had with my last shoulder surgery, Murphys Law reigned supreme in that experience. So much so I was traumatized for three years and was unable to even consider having the necessary surgery for my other shoulder. Finally recognizing the unrelenting pain and knowledge that I was doing more damage by putting it off, I both decided, and executed,  very quickly. After both hands had healed sufficiently, but not enough to return to work, the Lord moved mountains for me and said now is the time! I had the surgery on Wednesday. It went very well Dr told Danielle. Removed a bone spur, repaired rotator cuff, and bicep Tendon release or repair...or something.

This time the nerve block actually worked initially, they described that as it began to wear off, my hands would get tingly and that sensation would continue up my arm and that when it got to between wrist and elbow I should start on pain medication to stay ahead of the pain. Because the nerve block last time didn't work at all- we never really got a good handle on my pain, so this time when 6-7 hours later the pain came on like a runway freight train, we were stunned! Fearing we were already behind the ball- we immediately started in on the prescribed meds. I was initially stunned at the amount the Dr had prescribed, but already in tremendous pain I submitted and we made a plan to stay ahead of it during the night. Knowing neither of us would sleep well Clark slept across the hall in the guest bedroom. But by the second or third dose I became aware that I was not breathing right. I'd doze  off and then wake myself up as I gasped to restart my breathing. This wasn't good but I was  powerless to change anything. I dozed off again and stopped breathing, no gasping. I want to believe it wasn't an extended period of time before I was woken by a familiar voice loudly saying "Mom!" That shocked me into breathing again. I lay awake and suddenly realized the voice was very similar to my daughter Danielle, but she wasn't in my room. I was then given to  know it was her older sister who I had miscarried before my pregnancy with Cassidy my first born son. I always knew I had both a son and a daughter waiting with our Bronson on the other side of the veil but I had never had any contact with either of them before this night.

And after she called out to me my breathing continued normally, had I had no difficulty since then. Still fighting in my mind against the pain I knew was lurking I continued taking the meds  howbeit in smaller doses. But several hours later I began throwing up. So violent and in quick succession were these bouts of vomiting- that I even bruised a rib, I think. I stopped the pain meds and the vomitting stopped. As I came out of the haze and exhaustion of those hours I realized the nerve block was back to normal and doing its job! I have no idea where the pain came from and why this whole experience happened.

And while I have no  concrete answers,  I am at least at peace knowing again I am being watched over and,  that help from family on the other side of the veil is both real and appreciated, especially when on some level I can't even ask for it in conventional ways!

So today is another new day and one day closer to pain-free normalcy. Faith in every footstep!
How grateful I am for my loving husband and wonderful children, on both sides of the veil!
And Happy Birthday to my darling Danielle today. And bonus- I now know what your older sister sounds a lot like you!

Saul or Paul..that is the question

Recently I was reading Acts 9:15 where Saul, who had been violently persecuting the fledgling church- and it's new members- shortly after the Savior had been killed, and then resurrected. His actions were causing no small stir among those who loved the Lord. There are so many levels of miracles and lessons embedded in Luke's account.
Why did Jesus Himself come, when other Divine interventions came by way of an Angel of the Lord? Why did only Saul actually see The Christ while others with him heard only the voice? Saul knew the Savior, immediately, and asked, "What wilt thou have me to do?" This interaction, to me, shows immediate obedience, however he was still blinded for three days. He also fasted for three days following this incredible experience.

Leaving Saul's account we are drawn into the next layer of the Lords plan. Ananias. The Lord calls to him, and he immediately answers, "Behold, I am here Lord." The Lord then  opens and enables his sight for a very unique perspective on Saul. A little stunned Ananias hears the Lord, Saul has been blinded and is praying for you , that he has seen [you] in a vision." I doubt anyone could fault Ananias for saying something like..."Um You know how evil this guy is right? You know he has viciously persecuted the saints in a very public way, often unto death..." And then in the heart of this account, the Lord said, "Go thy way:for he is a chosen vessel unto me, to bear my name before the Gentiles and Kings and the children of Israel." What great faith Ananias has here, this is no easy task Christ is asking of him. 
Christ continues, "For I will show him how great things he must suffer for my name's sake."

Without delay of any kind Ananias goes to Saul and testifies, as a second witness, recounting Saul's experience on the road to Damascus. Then he blesses him with the Priesthood Power of Christ, and Saul's sight is returned and he immediately is baptized and from that moment on never ceases to testify powerfully of Christ, everywhere! However his well-known past of persecuting the Saints, caused many to fear his conversion was only a ploy. So the Lord prepared yet another witness, Barnabas. With that introduction the disciples accepted the changed Saul, and eventually changed his name to Paul, who we know today to be one of the greatest missionaries ever to walk the earth.

I have read this account, and more, many times- but this time was different. This time I saw how I could apply this great experience as pertaining to me, and to Bryce. I have always known Bryce "...is a chosen vessel unto me, to bear my name before the Gentiles, and kings and the children of Israel. For I will shew him how great things he must suffer for my name's sake." Multiple milestones in Bryce's mortality have taught me this true principal. Suddenly it was as if the scales were falling from my own mortal eyes, and again I got a glimpse of how Christ truly views Bryce, and indeed each of us. 
Chosen vessels. 
To bear His name. 
A covenant to do all that may be required by Christ.
To build up the Kingdom of God in these latter days.

And as I come to more fully understand this responsibility in my own life, I also must therefore accept the same pattern in the lives of those I love around me.
This has been a powerful example of the blessing to see others through Our Saviors loving, accepting eyes.
Bryce, too, even amidst his darkest struggles, still remains a chosen vessel in Our Saviors eyes. Bryce, too, will have to suffer for Christ's plan for him to be fulfilled. We all do.

But oh the promised blessings for valiantly staying steadfastly on the covenant path! Paul's faithful, diligent example should strengthen and lift each of us. While we may have or desire to have a very different ending to our own mortality than Paul's, whatever it may be, how soon or late it may arrive, I know it is all part of our Savior's plan for just us, only us, and His Plan is always perfect, and his will is always being fulfilled. And when we align ourselves daily with His Perfect Plan for us, well that's when we truly comprehend the innate and vast difference between happiness and true JOY!

As I go in for my second shoulder surgery in a few hours, my fears of a repeat of the hellish history of my last one, have diminished as my faith comes to the foreground in my soul. I am choosing to be reminded that I too am a chosen vessel of the Lord. He does have a Perfect Plan for me here in mortality. I remember once Clark was asked to describe me to a group of strangers, and he simply said, "She is a choice daughter of God." I doubt I could ever receive a compliment I treasure more than this. This whole Saul/Paul experience serves to remind me how critical it is for us to see ourselves as Christ sees us, and to see others as Christ sees them. I believe these spiritual gifts can be ours if we ask and live worthy of them.

Today I will choose to see the Paul's in each Saul I may meet, that I may be an instrument in the Lord's hand to bring to pass each perfect plan He has made for us all.

I am enough!

There are times when I wonder how my heart can possibly survive the roller-coaster of emotions that seem to be such a part of this chapter of my life. However I am slowly discovering that a mother's heart can be a place of power. 

This week was Stake Girls camp. I chose to go and in doing so laid my heart at the Savior's feet. I trusted Him to take care of my family while I was gone. I had faith that the Angels would protect us all up at Aspen Lakes. I had patience when things happened that were "not my job" to fix. I felt my love grow for these amazing young women. I felt such gratitude for the leaders who not only planned every detail imaginable, but were there equally present to make it happen, and to empower the girls to grow their relationship with Jesus Christ, and each other. I watched as girls did really hard things, and overcome personal fear! I watched somewhat unlikely connections form, leaders who made themselves available when girls needed to talk, or walk, or be comforted. I watched strong, faithful women grow in their own self-understanding, recognizing the power of uniting with other leaders to forge ahead in faith. 

We had the privelage of also having Sister Shauna Ogden, who is a member of the General Young Women Board, speak to us all. The morning she came, we prayed the Spirit would touch each of the girls in the way they needed, and recognized, during this experience.
It was marvelous, and a delight to look into the young women's faces and see their expressions too. Sister Ogden had us crying, laughing and clapping out the cup song! 
The impact may never be entirely known to me, but the prayers were definitely answered.

President Jones also told us that as he and his wonderful counselors arrived, and paused in the upper parking lot, his eyes were unveiled and he saw Angels surrounding the entire property, and he was given to know.."that the plans the Young Women leaders have made for the Spirit to be here and for the young women's testimonies to grow, will come to pass."

What a sweet start to our final day together! 

And now I have to share the 'tissues miracle' for you see as I was packing I grabbed a travel pack of tissues (I can never be too far from a tissue source for my own leaky eyes) but as I did so the Lord prompted me "Take two." I was like- nah I'll be fine! 
Again, "Take two." 
I started into another room to continue my packing..."Sharon.." 
OK OK I'll take two. And then Wednesday I thought I knew why....

One of our sweet and dedicated leaders Jessie suffered a very serious and quick onset of heat exhaustion. I led her into our room and got her settled on a cot and summoned our awesome nurse Ashley. Suddenly Jessie said, "I need a tissue..." I quickly crossed the room and grabbed the first package of tissues and delivered them to her grateful hand, and as I did so I said quietly, "Jessie the Lord had me bring these for you. He loves you and knew you would need them today." I think I cried more tears than Jessie as I watched this miracle unfold before my now-humbled eyes. 

I marveled at the opportunity I had to serve. You see I have learned that as a Stake Leader my first responsibility is to serve, sustain and strengthen our ward leaders. Second we were to bless the lives of the young women we all loved. And so the miracles continued to unfold as the Lords plan was fulfilled, time and time again, with His timing and exactness.

And then the morning of Sister Ogden's visit came and again following the prompting I removed all the tissues from my car and shoved them into my backpack. Just before she was ready to speak she lamented that she had forgotten her tissues, again in a heartbeat my tissues came out and we laughed together. At one point in her talk, she got very emotional, and reached for those tissues! God knew exactly what she would need, and answered her need before she was even aware of it. 
It was awesome! Another tissue miracle!

On our final day at camp, everyone had dispersed to their ward campsite's for their last testimony meetings around their fires. For reasons I could not explain, I stayed behind in the pavilion, with just a couple of other leaders. Suddenly the wind began to whip the trees into a frenzy, black gathering clouds began to be visible very close to us, several flashes of lightening had us praying the girls would be protected. I knew every campsite had Priesthood with Bishoprics present so I prayed again, that those Angels President Jones had seen that morning, would do whatever was necessary to change the course of that violent storm heading straight for us. We discussed bringing in the flag, (good wife of my favorite scouter- Lover- that I am), and my suggestion was that we let the Angels do their job and we'd all be fine, flag and all. However it was not my decision to make and the flag was brought in. I looked up at those fierce black clouds looming so close to us, I saw raindrops splatter the dusty trails nearly the size of a dime! The wind whipped the flag as we wrestled it inside, and closed all the doors and waited. Just as surely as I had felt those first raindrops, I knew those Angels were now redirecting that storm. I watched with pure faith-filled delight as those clouds held their fat raindrops, and lightening, and marched right around the edge of the property. It was a personal miracle in my eyes! Later as we quickly restored the flag to it's pole, so no one would be the wiser, I looked down into Heber City and it was barely visible through the sheeting rain and violent wind-driven clouds!

And on that amazing miracle my camp experience ended. Memories I shall treasure forever. Moments of miracles always in my mind. Love for those leaders and girls deeper and richer than I would have dreamed possible.

Then from that precious pinnacle of promises fulfilled, today the earth seemed to open up beneath me as Bryce took a nose dive!! He asked me to take him to the Vape Store and as he got back in the car I heard the sound of pills in a bottle, not juice for his Vape.
"What did you buy?"
He rattled off an strange-sounding name...I held my breath..Kratom! NO! 
The last bottle brought him to his suicide attempt 15 months ago.
I asked him what I was supposed to do...
He said, "Forget about this?" No chance of that. 
"I said if I drive away from here and you use in my house, what am I supposed to do? If you use you'll be sleeping in your car, permanently."
My brain and heart were screaming for some divine guidance, but only gentle silence filled my heart..
I stopped the car and said, "Get out." he complied and I drove away, crashing into despair.
Shortly after that I pulled over and called Clark. 
Had I really just facilitated my son's suicide, without realizing it? 
What did the Lord want me to do? 
Would those words be the last, in mortality between us? 
Randomly I thought, well I know he has his license on him, so someone will let us know when they find his body. I assumed the worst, that with no home he would take the whole bottle and be dead by tonight.

About an hour later I got a text...
"Yes I did use, but I got rid of the rest of it. I am sorry but whatever you decide I know it's part of His plan. This was a rock bottom moment, I am ready to do therapy and get serious about work, I can't keep wishing to die..."

And so the roller-coaster continues. I arrived home and we will all talk when Clark gets here. I hoped by blogging I could get some mental clarity, and as I often do, feel Divine guidance for these next steps.

Fighting the feeling of failure Satan wants me to feel, I got a message from my sweet friend Audra, several weeks ago she had asked if I could be interviewed on her blog.(Audraelkington.com) I agreed and submitted answers to her questions. She told me it would post soon. Today it went up and as I read her comments and what I had written the tears fell furiously! What a tender mercy to help me remember how far we have come as a family with this child.

I know the journey won't end today. And as I continue to write the book, I know the Lord will get all these words to whoever He knows need them. I hope whoever reads any of these communications will truly believe that "I am enough" should be a daily mantra for each of us.
For indeed He knows each of us. He knows the words we cannot even say. He knows the thorny trail of tears we sometimes silently walk. He knows we are each precious in His sight, and I know that He would indeed move mountains, or violent thunderstorms, to protect us. And when those storms threaten to drown us He will let us know He is close and will help if we will but reach out to Him.

I am enough! 

M, L & M part 2

The urgency to continue to write the book I am working on, has pulled at me noticeably for the last few days. I have responded, but as my hands are still healing, it has been a challenge.Then added to the fact Cassidy arrived in town late Saturday to collect Emma & the kids for their final departure to Texas...oh how it pains my heart to even say it, let alone live through it these next few days, I hadn't been too successful at making time to write. 

However this morning I arose with a heightened sense of urgency to write. I opened my office window and the beautiful summer morning flooded into my room. The trees still, the sun shining in patterns through their leaves to my desk, the birds chattering in every tree, the cool morning air, with it's promise of summer heat to come later. Quiet. Peaceful. Hopeful. I smiled as I watched the hummingbirds feed in short, wings-fluttering-sips from the feeders.Then it was all temporarily shattered as I heard the all-too-familiar sounds of Bryce gaming downstairs, as he wound up his all-night session.

Suddenly the sting of his no-show yesterday to our family dinner (the last one we'd all be together until November.) rose to the forefront of my mind, and the other frustrations of seeing him alive but not living, too numerous to mention flashed with equal force through my consciousness. I whined to Clark, but knew I couldn't go against the Lord's directive. I sighed and picked up where I had left off. 

July 9 2018 blog titled M, L & M. As I read what I had written almost exactly one year ago...the Spirit gently made Itself known. I kept on reading. Suddenly I was swept back in time to that day. And the Holy Ghost said, "Just ask." And like a giant puzzle before me the final piece appeared. 
"Father what would Thou have me to do?" Instantly the impression came, 
"Limit his internet, and go back to a simpler form of the 24 hour plan." 
Afraid to make a wrong step in this moment I asked, 
"Lord just to be clear this is Thy will?" 
The second witness flooded through me as chills swept over me, and my heart KNEW.
I could hardly contain the urgency to share this with Clark. But forced myself to breathe, feel and enjoy the confirmation that what we were about to enforce was indeed Gods will...come what may. Other than the tears falling freely, the sun still shone, the birds were still singing, and the trees were peaceful, stirring occasionally on the gentle breeze. 

My heart felt peace. Hope. Faith, and blessed silence. And then I began to marvel at the magnitude of what had just happened. A year ago the Lord had answered my prayer that day but also laid the foundation to answer today's pleas. He answered my prayer before I even uttered it today! I stopped writing to record in my journal the miracle of God's hand in my life today. In doing so I recalled another time with similar circumstances. We had finally agreed to move back to Utah when Word Perfect came calling. Saddled with student loans upon graduation we had been praying for 7 years for help to meet our needs. Then the call came and we returned, and our first year-end bonus, paid off our loans completely! God had already laid the foundation for those prayers to be answered, years before we began asking. I will never forget the stunned silence when Clark told me. 

I choose to see and acknowledge every act of goodness from God. Every Tender Mercy. He is closer than we realize. He certainly is in the very details of my every day life. And He alone knows the secret desires buried deep within this Mother's heart. Oh how I love Him!

And now back to the joy of writing, praying always that His will be done. And shoring up my heart against the loss it shall surely feel when the final moments come for the kids to leave, back to Texas. My keyboard is swimming, blurry with my tears. But oh what a gift this 16 months has been. Also interesting to me that these 16 months were when Cassidy's family's love, strength and support was available before we even knew how desperately we would need them. Another answer to unspoken prayers! 

So as the unique hum of the hummingbirds wings penetrate my summer morning, I give thanks for Tender Mercies, and answers to silent prayers. God is good!