Mountains before us all...

I suppose it stands to reason, having been raised on the pristine beaches in Australia, I have a bit of a fascination with snow-capped mountains. There are days when the weather seems to play hide-and-seek with my view of the Majestic Mount Timpanogos. Then suddenly the skies clear, become blue again and I see why she seemed to be hiding...she was merely getting changed!

Metaphorically speaking what is my mountain in life?

Timidly trying to trust-when historically trust has been violated...
Learning to have faith and patience in accepting Father's Perfect Plan for each of us...
Beginning again, picking up the pieces after being left behind, as loved ones slipped through the veil...
Personal pleading on behalf of those we love, that Father's tender mercies may bear them up in their hour of need....
Accepting mortal limitations when the soul aches to be free of pain, addictions and sore trials...
Finding perfect peace amidst the raging storm...
Knowing I am a daughter of Heavenly Father, who loves me...
Awakening the morning after sending that very precious child away to serve the Lord full-time, enveloped in the bittersweet, of that achingly excruciating moment when the plane door closes...

Each of us faces our own mountains...sometimes seemingly impossible to reach the summit....

Recently I followed the account of my sweet friend Shonee who grasped the rare opportunity to make the climb up one of the highest and most challenging mountains on our planet...Mount Everest! She worked so hard before, and during this exodus, and savored and survived every single stage along the way. She dipped her gentle heart into the cultures, religions, and peoples of that part of our world. Respectfully she shared her life with them, and took a part of theirs as she left. She struggled as the actual climb began...she realized soon into this adventure that while her training was helping, she also recognized the pure determination, and love of others supporting her was  key to her success. There were times when she wanted to stop. In some of her own words she says...

"The struggle of the increasing altitude was my constant companion, breathing struggles was the norm. Sore legs, sore back, blistered feet, heavy breathing, sore knees, sore quads, sore calves, tired body and headaches were also my constant companion. At this point – my body was broken, it was cold, I doubted myself, I talked myself down, I thought of every excuse under the sun to stop, I just wanted to stop, sit, lie down, give up, the stairs never ended, they kept coming, my resilience and self-belief, never wavered though, but my body was for sure broken.

My mind was so close to breaking. My mind told me no and my body was saying no. I don’t know what I had in the tank that helped me keep going because this is what it was like for the next five hours.

I had to really dig deep. I wanted so badly to quit. To call it quits and tell the guys I don’t want to do this anymore. I was limiting myself. I just needed to keep believing in myself and in my body and to put in the work. The faces of those that love me and support me pushed me forward one step at a time. Only I have the power to continue going and kill the doubts, the excuses and the fears I had. My mindset was weak but my willingness to succeed pushed me further."

.Shonee just wanted at times to enjoy a lung-full of the thin air, feel the arms of her sweetheart Jarom around her....but she kept putting one foot in front of the other, day after grueling day...and then finally the end was literally in sight....after reaching the base camp they told her to get the best view of the tip of Everest...they had to hike another 2 hours...and that when they got there they could only stay about 5 mins...no oxygen...and they were already dangerously deficient...but they also knew they couldn't stop now. 

"I noticed my breath getting heavy and my vision start to haze. The mountains surrounded me, and I knew there was nothing that could stop me now. Not my fitness, not my lungs, not my excuses, not my doubts, not my pains and aches, not my brain and certainly not Satan. Purpose moves mountains. Purpose gave me the fire to burn down the world of limitations. My “why” was everything, I found it, I used it and It drove me to the top of the mountain. I stopped and paused with trepidation. 

I opened my eyes and I can tell you – I felt like I conquered the WORLD. Tears streamed down my face as I let nature take over and my senses take it all in. Time stopped. My family and friends came into mind. They were counting on me. They are the reason I do this. I do this for me. I do this for them. In this moment I loved everything about my life. I loved myself enough to accept my weaknesses and know that I am stronger than them. I felt success. I felt fulfillment. I felt love. I felt peace. I felt joy. I felt truth. I made it. I made it to the top. Nothing can stop me from accomplishing my goals. We said a prayer full of gratitude and love for Heavenly Father looking after us even though we risked our lives. Our bodies were practically dead from the past week of hiking. Everything hurt. Literally everything. Spirits included. But our hearts were full. Nothing could stop us from smiling as we slept. (This was obviously written after being brought off the mountain in a helicopter as planned.)

The glory goes to God and always to God. There is nothing I haven’t done or achieved without HIS HELP. The glory goes to God and always to God. There is nothing I haven’t done or achieved without HIS HELP."

Shonee is amazing to me! I am grateful for so much more that she shared with me. She was inspiring, as she went with laser-like focus on the end goal, and refused to stop before accomplishing it.

I believe every mountain we encounter in our personal struggles has elements of pain and peace, light and dark, safety and danger, hidden and visible difficulties. However the incomparable-and often indescribable joy of reaching the summit, instantly mitigates all arguments. 
No matter how our personal mountain appears to us, it's as real as Shonee's journey in Napal and Tibet, China. 29,029 feet! But ultimately we can all see blue sky and sunshine as far as the natural eye can see...almost into Eternity!

Whether the view is visible to others or reserved for our eyes only...we each have mountains to climb in this our state of mortality and trial.

But this much I know...victory over any mountain is sweet and celebrated on both sides of the veil.

So look up! Reach for the hand of God daily, invite the enabling power of Christ's Atonement to fill your heart and lungs, as we each draw yet another determined breath! And resolutely place one foot in front of the other, conquering our personal mountains. 

And then let us all drop to our knees to give God the credit, for without His divine interventions daily...we wouldn't be where we are today! 

Many Blessings

There are times when I feel the pull to write, but I am not always sure what the content will be...today is one of those times.

It seems the longer my life goes on, the more people I love- I lose. I know they move on, leaving behind all the mortal-ness with it's struggles, pain and weaknesses. And I know they go to another place, even more exquisite, than what we know here. I know they are reunited with loved ones they have lost, and that they watch over me from there. But as I told my Nanny Sewell when she visited me after she had died, "It's not you I worry about...it's me!" Some days it's harder than others to remember to trust Heavenly Father's timing. I am learning, again it seems, that His timing is not only perfect, but also the only way! 

It just seems like the past few months have been loss after loss, and as I think about what I am grateful for this Thanksgiving Day....I am digging deep and remembering the beautiful things each of these dear departed loved ones have taught or given me. 

Max...I have a photo of his infectious smile, that made his whole face light up, in my office. He is the righteous parental Priesthood holder that I am sealed to for Eternity.  He persevered in faith, working on improving himself, wherever he felt he needed to. Always kind and caring to those around him. I remember fondly the Mother's Day he brought me a rose from his garden. His kindnesses are fresh in my memory!

Uncle Garry...while he teased me constantly, I knew under that facade he loved me very much. I remember him driving Mum & I to a local shopping center, and then sat patiently (not necessarily his strong suit when it came to me) outside in the hallway while we shopped our hearts out. He cooked for me and carefully taught Clark the intricacies of the dumbest game on the planet....Cricket! 

Dakota...my sweet nephew who reminded me sooo much of his Dad, my brother Craig. Koda Bear was kind, caring, and was always sharing a hug with me within seconds of us coming together. He brought family together, he loved deeply and completely. As I witness the pain in the wake of his passing, I am acutely aware it is because we all loved him so much, and he loved equally as fiercely in return.

Uncle Tom...quick to smile. laugh and joke, I loved watching the tender care he took of his girls...Aunty Una, Aunty Yvonne, Mum, Jan, Karin, Susan and Robyn. No one was excluded from any of his adventures. His generous heart will never be far from my memories of him. 

Dear Spencer...a life so beautifully accomplished there was no need to remain here. His family such a powerful example of Christ-like love. I think of him often, and pray his family feels the peace of Christ, as they move forward together, Spencer never far from their hearts.

Clark's Dad...my father-in-law was a truly remarkable man. His legacy is rich in righteousness. His example is being followed by his posterity. The hole he leaves here is hard to bear, but I know he would want us to keep striving for the blessings of Heaven. Staying strong on the covenant path, was his dearest wish for us all. 

So while I have shed many tears recently, I pause today to recognize the incredible gifts I have been given in knowing these remarkable people. And while my mortal path has been rugged at times with pain, I am so grateful for others who have stopped and lent a hand, lifting me, encouraging me, and walking this path of thorns with me.

I look to my greatest blessings, that of Lover and my children and grandchildren. Oh how sweet they make my life! How they inspire me to try hard things, and continue to grow. I take courage as I watch them walk their own vale of tears, strong, confident and lifting and helping each other. My heart is full as I see our fervent prayers being answered in their lives. I am so proud of each of them! 

And so while I acknowledge loss brings growth, I choose to linger upon the beautiful blessings I have been given. My prayer, or hope, for each of us, is that we may continue to lift and strengthen each other, that we won't ever become too busy to stop and share our love. That we may see the good in others and the world around us. And may we ever give thanks to that great God, who made all of this possible for us. And to Christ, who through His unselfish Atonement, has made Eternal Life with our loved ones a reality for us to reach out and grasp onto.

Happy Thanksgiving Day!

Leaves..

Falling leaves in my front yard caught my eye and then my mind just now. I reflected on my friend Bella's reference to fall being a time that teaches us to let go gracefully.... I continued to watch the golden leaves fall gently in the stillness of this Autumn morning. I realized it is not often that I get to actually see the leaves fall, having given their all, they have fulfilled the measure of their creation, and now letting go they fall gently to the carpet of leaves below.

Still letting these thoughts run through my mind I prepared my breakfast and then sitting down at my kitchen table facing my backyard, I witnessed again this little circle of life.
Then I saw one leaf moving, but not falling. Fascinated I watched as it precariously fluttered back and forth. Thinking it would be interesting to see it actually fall, as opposed to just glimpsing leaves after they had begun to fall...as I had no idea when the fall would begin, I watched. While there seemed to be very little movement in surrounding leaves, I was  almost mesmerized as the leaf swung in the invisible breeze. I was amazed at it's obvious tenacity, against inevitable odds. There were times when it was battering against nearby leaves, and branches...still it failed to fall.

Then the thought came to me...how often do I humbly accept the changes Christ is nudging me toward? Do I take His help and gracefully or humbly make the necessary changes...thus fulfilling my Divine Destiny. Or do I tenaciously cling to old habits resisting the very change that would help me reach the full measure of my creation? Which leaf am I?

I realized the are other times when violent winds would rip even the unwilling leaves from their safety and comfort...and then blow them in every direction, in essence, forcing the inevitable change, and they landed far away having been tossed unmercifully on the winds. Are there times I resist the change in my life I need to make, when a wise and loving Father in Heaven, shakes my world, helping me to accept changes that ultimately will bring me closer to Him and the Heavenly Home I am reaching for? Do I resist changing old ways, habits or poor choices, until He the Master of all sends, sometimes-violent winds, into my life thus focusing my attention on changes He knows are critical to enable me to make the necessary progress?

As I conclude my writing my little golden backyard leaf is still fighting to stay on the nearly bare branch. Even so, other leaves in yellow, oranges and browns...fall gently to the earth. The fight goes on...which leaf will I now choose to be like?

Surprise!!

Even though the calendar claimed I was now 60 years old, I still had a hard time wrapping my head around that reality. The morning of my birthday began with the heavy and instantly recognizable scent of my childhood. Frangipani...Plumeria. 

I remember my Nana Olsson had a carport on one side of her house in Strathfield, just outside of Sydney. That entire carport, both sides and the roof, was completely covered with Frangipani. 

After living in our Lindon house with 44 trees on our acre of land, I am overwhelmed with the fall leaves those 44 trees drop every year. So I can now appreciate the prolific flowering Frangipani may be considered a messy contribution to any yard in Australia. 

However as a child, often in dire need of solace, comfort, and to somehow be reminded that there was still beauty-in my often horrific young life- to me those pristine, picture-perfect flowers, and their unmatched fragrance seemed to represent my Heavenly Father’s gift to me. At the time I never saw the mess they made as they fell to the ground, having given their all. All I knew was that they were beautiful, and to this day I never tire of seeing, or smelling them. 

I also know now that smell is one of the strongest memory senses, and those sweet Frangipani still have the power to transport me home to Australia. 

So part of my heart immediately considered my birthday perfect-as I awoke to Frangipani blooms at my bedside. 

Little did I know....

Later that day we went to the Waikiki Hyatt for my birthday dinner. As I stood on the open balcony overlooking the famous beach, my mind drifted back to the week previous when we had Skyped with Trevor. He said “Well your card should arrive this week, but your present won’t get there til next week.” I reminded him we’d be in Hawai’i by then but that Bryce could bring it inside. That kinda dashed my secret hope that they would somehow meet us in Hawai’i. I returned to the table and my phone began to ring....it was Trevor. He said, “So I shipped your package to the hotel, because I thought you guys were staying there. Apparently not. I’ve talked to the front desk and they told me you’ll have to pick it up by 6pm.” 

I looked at my watch it was 5:56!

So Lisa took me down to the front desk and there were several people in line ahead of us. Suddenly I heard kind of a loud cough behind me and I felt like the person was standing a bit too close to me with that cough...so I turned around to them....and screamed as my brain caught up with what my eyes were seeing...Trevor and Chris standing there grinning at me and my reaction! I grabbed Chris in a huge hug as my eyes filled with tears. 

I could hardly take it in!

Later little pieces of the puzzle would drop into place in my mind. And I realized Clark and Trevor had planned this whole thing months ago!! Planning ahead has been so out of Clark’s character for much of our marriage, so the magnitude of what they’d done still reduces me to tears! 

They all thoroughly enjoyed sharing their respective roles in this birthday surprise of all surprises! 

As I looked around the table at the smiling happy faces, and the sparkling eyes, of some of the people most dear to me in this life, I felt so blessed! 

Much later I found out Lisa actually caught most of my initial reaction on video...another surprise that apparently had some divine intervention!!

We all enjoyed several days together before Jones’s continued on to London via Boston. 

So this somewhat scary 60th birthday will forever stand as one of the most remarkable surprises of my life. I remember looking into Clark’s eyes that night, as my heartbeat returned to normal, and his joy and his love for me, took my breath away again! 

There’s no way to adequately express my heartfelt gratitude to Clark, Trevor, Chris, Greg, Lisa...and a few others who kept their secret, but I will love each of them and cherish the memories forever! 

Glistening golden sand

We settled on Makapu’u beach, I strolled down the wet sand watching and listening. Descriptive phrases flooded my mind....endlessly enchanting...miraculously mesmerising. 

Stilled by the scenes unfolding before my eyes...continuously captivating the pale aqua waves building and suddenly bursting into white foam. Wave upon wave, waiting- then building then breaking over and over again. I let the cacophony of pounding surf seep into my battered, aching heart. 

The combination of sights, sounds, and sand between my toes, allowed peace to slip into my soul. Gradually I dragged my eyes from the ocean, and saw the white surf spray-splashing against the black lava rocks. I looked higher and saw the silent sentry of stone, covered in lush tropical foliage. 

A solitary lighthouse, perched on the edge of the mountain side, reaching out to bring others safely home,  and warning of unseen dangers below.

The perfect pallet of colors, draws me into the crazy surf. I quickly realized I had been perfectly safe on the glistening sand, but as I ventured away from that safety, suddenly I felt the invisible pull....before I can catch my breath, the waves- instantly the enemy- now pound me along with the already soaking sand. It may look good but the reality is entirely different. The analogy isn’t lost on me. Am I truly engaged in following the beacon from my lighthouse...the Lord’s Prophet on earth today-President Nelson? Knowing he will steer me away from worldly dangers....

The seagulls swoop towards the surface, hoping for a fresh catch from the sea, pulling away seconds before the surf meets the sand in the unmistakable roar. 

And life goes on. After untangling myself from the relentless rip-tide, I settled in back on the glistening sand and relaxed. Yes, yes, this is just what I needed!

Hawaiian Magic

As dawn slowly steals across the early morning Hawaiian  sky, my body-clock has already switched on to Hawaiian time. Craving an Hawaiian sunrise, I slowly come awake. Remembering there is absolutely no agenda whilst I’m here, I smile. Snuggling into Clark, we whisper sleepy thoughts about our time here so far. Agreeing we feel peace seeping into our souls. Our Idahoan-Kuaui friend Garry said when he knew we had landed in Oahu...”I hope that Hawaii works its magic healing powers. Enjoy!” He knew how desperate we were to have peace , and yes some time to heal.

Amongst some of our longest, sweetest friends, Lisa & Greg Winterton, and in some of God’s most beautiful natural settings, His cherished peace steals slowly into my heart-rejuvenating  me to my very soul. Oh the sweetness of His peace! Oh the majesty of His plan for me! My heart fills with gratitude as I breathe in the warm moist air, beckoned by the silence outside, I slip outside and the gentle island breeze ruffles my sleep-tousled hair, and caresses my cheek. Oh it’s good to be alive in this beautiful world He’s given me.

With my 60th Birthday looming...somewhat dauntingly, on my horizon I had decided to help me wrap my head around this major milestone of mortality- we would go home to Australia and with dear friends Trevor and Chris Jones, we’d celebrate on the Great Barrier Reef! We talked and planned and then suddenly six months ago our personal universe turned upside down as we began to live through those horrific hours after Bryce’s suicide attempt. To say our lives were not our own these last few months would be a gross understatement. So our big plans for this week were shelved permanently. Surviving day to day consumed us, as many of you know. Recently Clark suggested we celebrate in Hawaii. It sounded wonderful. The Islands beckoned me, whispering of peace and stillness. Of unmatched beautiful vistas, and friends whose  love and kindness would be a balm to my wounded heart.

So we came, leaving our cares and fears at the Savior’s feet by His request. Turning Bryce over to Him again, we boarded the first flight. As the distance from home increased and our destination drew nearer, our smiles grew deeper, and my heart finally felt lighter. Yes this was a good idea Lover!

And so today I thank my Savior for His endless empathy, His  living, lasting love, caring compassion and kindness and His ever-present, perfect patience. The sky here now continues to grow lighter, bird song now fills the air, and another day begins, on this island paradise of Hawaii. What incredible gifts He continues to give! So while the countdown to 60 marches on, I merely mute its sound, and absorb all the peace, tranquility and beauty around me. It is another day of sand, sea and sunshine for me!

And life is Eternal...

As I slowly came awake this morning my mind began to fill with snippets of sentences, words wanting to be written, memories making themselves known, feelings finding their voice inside my heart. The computer calling to me, I surrendered my sleep-in, and stumbled down the dark stairs....into the light. 

Yesterday Heaven welcomed home one of it's own as my Uncle Tom (my sweet Mum's only brother)  gently eased his way through the veil of mortality.  His departure from this mortal life came on so suddenly, we weren't even aware of this possibility until about two hours before it happened. Mum and I both received a video-chat from his eldest daughter Jan asking us if we'd like to say goodbye. By then he was in that space between consciousness and final departure. With a sob in my throat, an ache in my heart, and tears running freely down my cheeks I said.."Oh Uncle Tommy I am so sorry! I love you, and I know Nanny & Papa are waiting for you and you will not be alone!" I watched as my Aunty Una leaned into him giving him the kiss I asked her to give him for me. And I realized immediately in that moment- he was not long for this earth. I am so grateful to Jan, in that moment of tremendous grief, she included Mum and me!! I am awed again at the thoughtfulness of her tender heart! Oh how I hope I can be as selfless someday.

In my mind's eye I can see clearly how this tragedy from my perspective unfolded.
I knew without a shadow of doubt, that Nanny & Papa waited anxiously to greet him with open arms! What I can't stop thinking about is Uncle Tom's reaction. You see, my Mum joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints when she was just fourteen years old. Her Mum, my sweet Nanny also joined, as did my incredible Aunty Yvonne. So Mum had tried to teach Tommy about her new-found beliefs. Even recently they had conversations about her understanding and knowledge of our Eternal Natures, as Children of God. He was quick to smile and say oh Gwenny you know that's not true...there's no after-life. We do the best we can here and that's the end of it.

The scene that has been replaying in my mind, over and over, for nearly 24 hours now, begged me this morning to describe it. So here I am am. Desperate to give no offense, but knowing I need to share.

I know with every fiber of my being that the anticipation felt by those on the other side of the veil was mounting as the time drew close. I know they were all acutely aware of those of us here who were heartbroken at the thought of losing Tommy. However all I see is the veil parting and Tom's first glimpse into Heaven. I see him look with a child-like sense of wonder at the crowd of family and friends who stand patiently, but excitedly waiting to greet him. I see his ever-quick smile settle permanently on his face, as the realization slowly seeps into his heart and soul..."Gwenny was right!" Then I see Nanny & Papa rush towards him and embrace him with their combined, powerful love, joyful beyond description to have him home again, with them. And then the sweet scene fades...only to repeat itself again and again. The look on Uncle Tom's face has not left my mind for a second!

I know there are those who will pass this off as perhaps delusional desires of a grieving heart, whatever helps you sleep at night notions, But I know what is real, I know what is truth, and I know this scene played out yesterday exactly as I have described!
Truth is not dependent upon one's belief of it. Truth stands eternal.

So knowing where Uncle Tommy is does give me peace. However for those left behind, without the reassurance of these truths, makes my heart ache with their grief! 

Obviously I grew up with Uncle Tommy in my life, I hold dear the myriad of memories I have. He raised and trained horses. I remember going to the horse farm, and it was expansive and well-equipped, with many many horses. Then later after we had migrated to America, I remember several visits he made to us over the years. Recently, because of my flight benefits with jetBlue, I have been able to travel back home to Australia, multiple times, so we've spent time together often. He was always ready with a quick smile, plenty of laughs, with a sprinkle of teasing! He is one of the kindest, most generous, thoughtful people I know. He adored his girls Jan, Karin, Susan & Robyn. Their husbands became the sons he never had, they did everything together as a family. One of the long-standing traditions was their annual trip to the Melbourne Cup. It was always an incredible trip, including everyone of course. And when Aunty Yvonne moved to Melbourne, Uncle Tom included her and Uncle Garry in these adventures. Mum even went out one year to join the fun. Tommy would hire a coach (bus) to move all his family around to each event! Tommy always took care of Mum, he was generous and caring of her well-being. His phone message to her on her birthday this week was evidence of his love and care for her...even when he was obviously not well himself. Mum remembers thinking he didn't sound like himself when she listened to it. Eventually we'll know more of the timeline of this unexpected turn of events. She knew he loved her dearly always! He loved everyone deeply and without reserve.

To say he will be missed, is the biggest understatement ever! One of his granddaughter's Jayde summed it up perfectly...he was the glue of the family! He led his family into close and loving bonds that will never be broken. And whilst they may wonder if this family unit can continue after death, it brings such joy to me to know they will see him again, they will be a family unit after death...and on through Eternity! 

So I wipe my tears, often, and wrap myself tightly in the memories we all share of this wonderful man. I pray for their peace and comfort, and smile at the possibilities of Uncle Tom's adventures beyond the veil. I know he will be close by to Una and the girls, he has a vested interest in assisting his family any way he can. He always has, and always will. He will watch closely as they step into their new altered reality without him by their side. I know they will ache for him. But I also know in their quiet moments of reflection they can totally believe he will never be far away!

What peace this knowledge has already brought me. His good heart goes on, his love for us all will continue to grow. He will never be forgotten, but always missed. Farewell, for now, Uncle Tommy! I love you!

Nearer, my God, to Thee

I feel like my heart has been filleted. There is so much pain around me lately. My sweet friend Jodi, watched her Mother slip through the veil last week. And then sweet Spencer..
At times like this it seems to come all at once, this pain around me. Some days I am not convinced I will ever completely believe that Bryce survived his attempt. There are those quiet moments of reflection, wherein I try to wrap my head around the events of that fateful night....but sometimes it feels like I am watching someone else's life. Then suddenly the reality crashes through my subconscious when I learn about someone else's pain for their loved ones. Last night I learned of another friend, who's child attempted to take her life. 
I ache. I cry. I rage. I pray...for them..and for me too. And I feel so useless..knowing no one can really do much for anyone's shattered heart. However I now understand more intensely the the offers of help in my hour of need. But also I will never forget the power of loving faith-filled personal prayers, offered by others, in my behalf. That sustaining power is tangible to the recipients! And so I pray some more for their aching hearts! 

After finding out about my second friend's heartache, I was faced with driving home from Salt Lake in the rapidly approaching dusk of the day. I knew the drive would require my focused attention...instead of crying myself into a puddle. So as I drove in silent tears, I started a gratitude list of all the things I knew my sweet friend had done to prevent this very outcome. Slowly as the list grew, peace trickled into my heart. I arrived safely home, and learned her daughter would be ok. In the quiet of my home I ached for someone to hold me while I cried. I had made the decision not to tell Bryce. I didn't think it would serve any viable purpose at this juncture. Sitting at my kitchen table, suddenly I heard a gentle knock on my front door...I hesitated thinking I would likely be very poor company right then. However I opened my door to see my "Little" angels, Gary and Elizabeth poised to love me. I told them how desperately I had need of comfort, and they immediately did what they do best, wrapping me in their loving arms, listening, and talking. They ultimately prayed a protecting blessing over my home, both my friends' homes...and extended it to protect Clark and Cassidy as they made their way home.
As with most of our conversations, we discuss spiritual things, and my heart lifted as I witnessed yet another miracle. I felt so loved, by them, by my Savior, and by my Heavenly Father.

Today I ended my busy church-and-calling-day by visiting another ward's Young Women's meeting. This inspired YW President (who knew nothing of my life and struggles recently) began in earnest to teach those beautiful young women of their Eternal value and Divine destiny. As I watched this unfold I looked into the eager faces of some of God's truly incredible daughters and hoped and prayed they would somehow catch the vision of who they really are!. Daughters of the King, Royal Divine DNA flows in their veins, and in ours! We are all children of God. Oh how He loves us! Oh how I love those beautiful, divine, full-of-promise young women! I wish with all my heart that none of them would forget this moment, as Satan rages against them daily. That somehow they would in times of trial, pull from that Divine well-spring within and stand tall. Could we all have that moment of clarity, to remember who we really are?

Maybe we could all walk around with those animated conversation bubbles above our heads delineating our current challenge...think how much easier it would be to help those who were struggling silently!! Can you imagine how much we would want to be kinder to others, to wrap them in our arms and tell them they are loved, to pray for them especially when we are unfamiliar with their current trials? Maybe we can just pretend everyone's burdens are remarkably heavy, and personal, but that our love can heal, and bring peace, if we allow ourselves to be that instrument in God's all-loving and knowing hand.


Today I also was profoundly affected by one line in a hymn I have sung countless time over my life. 

Nearer, My God, to Thee.

"Nearer, my God to thee, nearer to thee,
E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me,
Still all my song shall be.
Nearer my God to thee."

I suddenly realized these words weren't talking about Christ's experience with His cross...
This was my plea to Him, that as I bore the cross of my struggles- those very struggles, and pain and anguish of soul, would ultimately bring me nearer to Him! If I let Him in.

I couldn't even finish singing the hymn, and I returned to the words again and again as this truth settled slowly in my heart. I felt His love wrapping me in a blanket of surety. He did know my agonies, he knew my friends agonies. He even knew intimately of the darkness that saturates the minds, and then removes rational thought as some of His children try desperately to find relief from their pain and suffering...ultimately believing suicide is truly their only option.

Yes His cross has made Eternity possible, but even during mortality my crosses will bring me to Him. That is His perfect plan for each of us!  Oh what a wonderful Sabbath it has turned out to be! 

Being in an agony...

I do not believe in coincidences...in fact I think that very word is tossed around so frequently, that it has impeded our ability, to recognize just how often the Lord's Tender Mercies run like a golden thread through the tapestry of our lives. Today I witnessed a singularly stunning example of the chain of recent Tender Mercies culminate into one of the most Christ-like events I can ever recall. 

About six weeks ago I was asked to facilitate one of the classes the Stake was offering, "Personal Finances for self-reliance." Try as I might, my attempts to get out of this assignment, failed repeatedly...until I finally listened to that still small voice. When I realized I was not required to have mastered this skill, or be the resident expert, in fact I was asked to just facilitate and follow the manual, I thought I knew some of the blessings (financially) that might come as a result of this course. My finite mind could not have ever comprehended what the Lord had in His plan for me. 

During the course of the training and preparation meetings of the Self-Reliance Facilitators,
I became acquainted with several other members of our Stake for the first time. One stood out as a kind and humble man. We had several conversations, and bumped into each other at various church-related occasions. He had such a beautiful spirit about him, that I admired.

By the second week of the course I had to miss due to the death and funeral of my Nephew Dakota. My heart aches still, for his life cut short. However moving forward in my life is the way I chose to honor my belief that Dakota is in a better place and no longer struggling. 

Clark & I had an accountability conversation recently with Bryce. While he was doing well in his recovery, we needed him to make a couple of changes. We discussed it and determined an acceptable course of action. Over the last two weeks Bryce has initiated our family prayer every night before bed. We have loved this new experience. Bryce told us he has felt such a difference in his life since doing this, and he has recognized the Spirit more in him and in our home. Today was the first time, in a long time, that he kept his commitment to us to work out in the yard by 9 am. We were definitely liking this new responsive son.  

I think back on my Wednesday this week, I worked, I served on my shift in the Temple. We passed a pleasant dinner with friends. A seemingly ordinary day. Little did I know that not far from us, another family's lives had been turned upside down. I remembered the feeling of standing in a grocery store line, when my world was seemingly spinning out-of-control. I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs...
"Don't you know that I am in the middle of my own personal Hell?" 
How can the world just appear to be going on the way it always has done, when my world was in such chaos? 

Yesterday I discovered the wonderful son of this good man, my new friend, I had so admired, had lost his son to suicide on Wednesday. My heart ached. I cried. I prayed for him and his family. And then a feeling- I am not sure how to even describe, seeped into my consciousness...a feeling to compete with the feeling of intense sadness engulfing my heart...guilt. A sense of somehow being rescued from the ending this family had, but not through any power of my own. I knew immediately I could not know the depth of their pain, but I had walked some of the path they were on. 

I finally sent my friend a text expressing that our love and prayers were with them. And indicated very briefly the decision Bryce had come to in his pain-filled mind, several months ago. He responded with heartfelt thanks for the prayers, sharing that he knew he and his family were being carried by those prayers, and was there a time he could stop by to visit with Clark and I? We arranged it this morning. I wasn't entirely sure why he was coming, but I prayed mightily that if I could be of service to him, that Father would show me His plan.

Bryce was mowing, and my friend asked when he arrived if that was Bryce, having never met him. I told him yes. I knew we were on sacred ground the minute he walked through our door. His pain was palpable. The conversation began about Clark's Moss family line, and they soon discovered they shared a common ancestor. As I watched this playing out before me, I wondered...surely he didn't come to discuss genealogy lines....And then Bryce came in through the back door...I wondered if I should invite him to join us...but instead of going on downstairs as I expected he would do...he walked up and into the kitchen. I introduced my friend to Bryce with the explanation that his son had taken his own life on Wednesday this week.

Bryce gasped and immediately reached out to shake my friend's hand. And then Bryce surprised all of us and joined us in the family room to participate in the conversation. Having just met Bryce, my friend explained: " I had to come over this morning to let you know you are loved!" We were all stunned into complete silence, and tears filled our eyes and fell down our cheeks, all of us were overcome with the love this friend was offering our Bryce. Before any conversation began he asked Bryce if he would be alright with the things we would talk about. He certainly didn't want to add to his pain. The compassion that emanated from this grieving father was breathtaking in it's intensity. We went on to talk for an hour, both about my friends' freshly wounded heart, and the peace he had been given even as he agonized over the loss of his son. And then we shared a little of Bryce's experience. 

Each of us shared something unique. Clark shared that just as we had been taught by a General Authority...who himself struggled with his own wayward children...we all need to rejoice in the gift of agency that each of us has been given. Each of us has to decide how we will use our agency, but it was a gift! 
Bryce shared that there is not usually anyone who can penetrate the plan of suicide permanently. That in the dark abyss of self loathing and depression, ending the pain often seems the only truly viable option. 
I shared that each of us is responsible for our choices, and that none of us can assume the responsibility of another's choices or consequences. 
Clark added...that is us trying to replace the Savior. Paying the price for another's choices is His divine role...not ours!

Our new friend told Bryce he will check up on him from time to time. And wave at him as he passes, so Bryce will know there are people who love and care for him.
After the hugs, he added, 
"You have a beautiful home...I mean it's beautiful what I feel here." It was a completely unexpected compliment, but I knew he'd also contributed to the Spirit in our home by what he had so selflessly done, and taught us all this morning.

Bryce went outside for a minute, and then as he came back inside he said simply, "That was awesome!" We talked about what had just happened...Bryce said "I just had the very clear impression that his son was happily doing missionary work on the other side of the veil. He was no longer struggling or in pain. I also know Bronson was in the throng of family and ancestors of this young man who greeted him with love and joy! I asked Bronson to give him a hug for me."

Bryce went on to say that the real miracle in his life is- that when he opened his eyes in the Hospital the first thing he remembers is my smiling face, so happy to see him. He said he felt pure confusion at my response....he's just tried to kill himself...and I was smiling and telling him I loved him. He's been blown away at how many virtual strangers love him. Slowly in his recovery he has finally been able to let go of the negative self loathing he has lived with in his head for so long...and he has slowly being able to accept the love so many offer him. He said recently he read that the success of recovery is in large measure due to the miracle of love. As he is learning to love himself, he's able to receive love and give it to others equally as freely as it has been offered to him.

Pretty powerful things this beautiful fall Saturday. Yet the thing that dwarfed all else as time went by...this friend in an agony of his own grief, didn't want to pass up an opportunity, to let Bryce, who may still be struggling... know that he loved him...even having only known of Bryce through us. Yet here he sat- in our home, impeccably dressed for a Saturday morning, and in the throws of his own personal excruciating grief, and he sought to offer love to another.

 A scripture came to mind, Luke 22:44 "And being in an agony he prayed...." Here before my very eyes I had witnessed quite possibly the most Christ-like service in a man filled to overflowing with heartache and personal pain, to a degree I honestly hope I will never know. And being in an agony... he was determined to make sure Bryce knew he was loved. 

There are no words.

Ahhh Fall...

I love milestones...maybe it's a way to acknowledge progress. Maybe it's an opportunity to celebrate our lives. Whatever the driving force behind marking the milestones, the work we are doing in our lives to improve ourselves should be a reason to celebrate.

Yesterday was Bryce's 90 days sober and clean! We took him out to lunch and did the whole corny toast to his recovery! We really are so proud of his efforts. He is doing so well at his job...he has been given a raise and a promotion. I'm not aware of any job he's had that either of those things have happened in his past. He's knocking their socks off with his performance and work ethic. Pretty impressive stuff!

The struggle is still real, and daily, but he's doing recovery one day at a time. Yesterday he told me that recently he was looking at his license plate on his car, and ever the numbers and patterns guy....came up with this: 

                                      F07 3HL                   "Fought thru hell" 

It took me a minute to get it...can you see it? He certainly has fought his way back to this life he has now. Just as his Dad and Gary blessed him to do that night in the ER. And I am so grateful and pleased he continues to choose to fight. He truly is amazing...and an inspiration to me and others.

He has instigated our family prayers each night this last week. And slowly as the days went by he told us he has felt a different spirit in his life as we've had those prayers, together,as a family. He laughs more and reacts to Clark's teasing with some of his own. 

My sweet friend Bella posted this recently:

"The trees are about to show us how lovely it is to let things go." 🍂🍁

I absolutely loved this! We all have to let things go from time to time. Some are painful even, as we progress, develop and grow. However every fall, here in Utah, the very handiwork of God Himself...show us how to do it with beauty and grace and dignity. Then as the glorious fall slowly morphs into winter, I am reminded again that for all it's breathtaking beauty...too soon, the fall leaves will flutter slowly to the earth below, as the colder nighttime air creeps into the mountains above and the valleys below. Trees become bare, eventually the snow will cover everything, and the world will be all-white and silent again. Then before we know it...the weather begins to warm up...the snow melts...the green buds are ready to burst on the trees, and slowly the branches are transformed into a cacophony of color and life. The cycle of life begins again. 

So this fall I vow to follow the example of these glorious leaves...and accept change as it comes. I am going to remind myself to strive harder for a balanced life. I am going to pray to be more intuitive to others needs...to reach out and be kind, and love others. I will try to relieve their burdens and suffering, even if all I can do is offer a genuine hug. And while the world outside goes through her graceful changes, I will work on my own changes, and try to be a better me.

And I promise to remember more often that God is in His heaven...and though sometimes I might question...All is well in the world. Or it will be in His divine and perfect timing. And I will try to recognize that change, though hard at times, is ultimately for my benefit. I need to trust more completely Him who molds me...because He loved me first, and loves me still.


 

All is well.

I have often heard the expression "Remember where you were when Pres Kennedy was shot?"
However, as I was not living in the United States when it happened..this expression had little meaning for me personally. Now, now I understand the expression. 

Our kids had just come home from early morning Seminary in California on the morning of the attacks. We turned on the TV and watched in stunned, silent horror as the events were unfolding on the other side of the country. In those early minutes as the attacks spread from the Towers in lower Manhattan...to a field in Pennsylvania...to the Pentagon...real fear gripped my heart as I knew we were only miles from one of the Nation's Nuclear Facilities...what if...the images were terrifying.

Then I thought about Trevor...who traveled all over the globe for Qantas...praying he wasn't on one of those planes...I dialed him, not caring what time it was in Australia...he answered the phone, and of course already knew more than we did.

Somehow there seemed to be some kind of surreal disconnect between the images I was looking at and the reality of the situation. It couldn't be possible....and then when the Towers began the swift disintegration of destruction...I watched the cloud of dust and debris racing towards the cameras....tons of twisted, melting steel collapsing on so many first-responders ...and others. Others who had gone to work that morning like they did every other day...only this day would not ever be like any other day any of us had ever experienced.

My heart ached for the loss of life. I prayed fervently for those working on recovery and rescue. 
Later this image became my favorite of that unspeakable disaster. It seemed to capture so much.

Later I stood at ground zero and I saw the crater left by that senseless act of hate.

Later I walked the beautiful, peaceful, reverent replacement grounds created in honor of the victims.

The twin lights seemed such a beacon of hope...when all seemed to be lost.
The reflection...life for some of us did go on, and today we stand united and stronger against hate.
Today again I am so grateful for the first-responders...who climbed to their death while they gave their all to save as many as possible.
There were many who were spared...they felt impressed not to go into work that morning. I hope they can rise above the survivors guilt and live again to make the world better.
I also remember that churches were filled to overflowing after the attacks.
I remember the companies making American flags...were sold out for months.

I remember the first General Conference after this time of pain.
I remember President Hinckley saying, "Are these perilous times? They are. But there is no need to fear. We can have peace in our hearts and peace in our homes. We can be an influence for good in this world, every one of us."

So as we come upon yet another anniversary of that disastrous day, 9/11, I feel grateful for the answers to prayers I have known. I am grateful to have leaders to follow, who know the path to take. I feel grateful to know good men and women continue to serve as first-responders. And most importantly I hold tight to my knowledge of my loving Heavenly Father, who knows me and loves me. And Jesus Christ, who as my Savior, has given His all that I may have a way back home for Eternity.

Hope and peace can live in this less-than-perfect world.
I continue to look forward to the day Satan will be bound from this earth.
In the mean time I choose to do all that I can to wrap those I love in the sacred security of the Holy Ghost.

Always remember...never forget...all is well.

Home-made Icecream

We've made a lot of home-made Ice cream at our house over the years. And to get the 'perfect' ice cream there has to be the calculated balance of time, ingredients, coldness, salt and churning. There have been times when after what seemed like forever...the ice cream maker is finally silenced...and slowly and carefully the lid is raised....and we are flooded with disappointment as the mixture is runny and under-developed. Frustratingly we re-start the maker, add more ice, churn it again...Eventually when that delicate, somewhat elusive balance has been met, then when that little lid is raised and we look inside....we are delighted to see peaks of soft, perfect, ice cream. First comes the "phew" because we are finished...then comes the laughter as we eagerly anticipate the delightful perfection of-    ICE CREAM!

Later we ponder that perfect balance, quite necessary to the perfect ice cream. Sometimes we get it right the first time....and other times we must make more effort and attempts. 
But that balance is what we are aiming for. 

Today as I came into my wakefulness, and consciousness began tug at me, thoughts began to filter into my mind and heart. And slowly the painful events of yesterday's final goodbye with Dakota, moved into focus. At first I wanted to pretend it was all just a bad dream...but then I knew...it was real. We had said goodbye to a beautiful soul, tortured at times for sure, but a light on earth had been extinguished, and no amount of hopes or tears could change that. I laid perfectly still, afraid that if I moved my heart would break into a million pieces and all would be lost. 

Slowly my room began to fill with light, as the sun started to appear over the mountain top. When those heavenly shards of perfect light began to reach toward me, I knew with certainty that just like my ice cream the perfect balance for Dakota had been achieved. He had done all God required him to do. Heavenly Father had taken Dakota home, no longer to struggle and suffer with the mortality of earth life and the imperfect physical body. Now Dakota was free to learn and grow and be with those he had lost to death prior to his own.

Just like my ice cream each of us is prepared by loving Heavenly Parents, given the perfect environment of ingredients to become who we are supposed to become, then we are surrounded by such cold...pain & heartache...and churned...tested and tried...sometimes when we think all is lost and we can't go on-Father lifts the lid and peaks in. Sometimes some of us are complete, and sometimes others need more churning to become so. And while many of us would argue that Dakota wasn't quite done here yet...our loving, all-knowing Father has said...now is the time. Dakota has been lifted out of the cold, the struggle and the pain here. He was met with laughter, and family & friends who celebrated his arrival with tears of more joy and more love than I can ever perceive exists.

Slowly I begin to heal as I glimpse the Eternal Plan. I will see him, and Craig and many others that I love again someday. Until then I need to do my best to endure and learn the cold, the churning, the tests lovingly determined by Father to make me how I am to become,the peeking by Heavenly Father....all to see when I am done to perfection. 

I have never in my life been so surrounded by tangible sadness, as I was yesterday. I watched so many heartbroken and lost, struggle to come to terms with this separation from our sweet Dakota. It tore at me and beat me up pretty badly. Ultimately I had to walk away, I love each of them so much! However the hopelessness was strangling my core belief...I do live with hope for life after this vale of tears. I know exactly where Craig & Dakota are. I also know that I agreed to much of this life's tests before I ever left Father's presence to accept this mortal body and experiences.

My heart no longer aches for Dakota, I'll miss him for sure. But my heart is hurting for his siblings and parents, and children and friends for whom the struggle is still real. Their lives 
are in the churning, surrounded by the cold, I wish they would reach for God's warmth. It breaks my heart all over again as I hold them while we sob in an agony. But I am richly blessed to have warmth and light in my heart nurtured by God. And while my tears may still flow I am doing all I can to be ready when He lifts the lid...and pronounces me perfect to go back home with Him. 

And another day begins....I think I'll make some ice cream.

Love ya Koda Bear! 

I hate addiction

My sweet nephew Dakota, died of an overdose early this morning. His father, my brother Craig died the same way 15 years ago. As I have tried to process this tragedy, the level of personal pain, the depth of fear, and the heartache that accompanied this news rocked me to my very soul. My heart is aching for Dakota's Mom Jeni, for my Mother Gwen. All the emotions of how close we came to losing Bryce, just bubbled up in a fury to the surface. 
We both sobbed as I told Bryce, he kept saying "I am so sorry Mom...I am so sorry Mom...at least he doesn't have to suffer anymore." I told him Dakota had finished rehab, completed the sober living house, and had moved into an apartment with one of the guys at the house...and now he's gone home to his Dad in Heaven. Slipping through the veil alone, I have no doubt Dakota went straight to his father's loving arms, and was surrounded by so many other friends, and his family...never to be alone again!  

My sadness turned into white-hot anger next. I wanted someone to blame. I wanted someone to pay! I wanted this not to be true. When does any addict get to win? I knew anger is the second emotion...and it served absolutely no purpose, except to mask the pain. I acknowledged that I needed to feel the pain, to ask Christ to ease that pain, rather than act foolishly myself. I let the anger go. I knew if I stayed in the anger I would be giving control to Satan. I needed to stay close to the Lord and have His Spirit to be with me. I needed His enabling power as I face the family today...they need to know of Heavenly Father's love. They need hope of where Dakota is now.

Yesterday I kept getting the prompting to fill my car up with gas...I continued to ignore it, thinking I'll do it when it's more empty. I am paying for that poor choice today. However yesterday I was also asked to give the opening prayer in Sacrament Meeting, which I accepted readily. No one would have faulted me, this morning to have Clark do it for me...but I realized that Heavenly Father knew yesterday when I was asked, what my morning today would be like, so I decided to do it. Clark was ready in the moment to step in for me. But as I read (rather than sang) the opening hymn I felt the peace only the Savior can bring, trickle into my heart and fill me to overflowing. 

...And may our thoughts still turn to Thee, 
With loved ones, friends, and family. 
In all we do till day is gone, 
may worship still continue on.
Help each to seek a quiet hour 
To read Thy word and feel Thy pow'r. 
To hear Thy voice, though small and still, 
Renew our strength to do Thy will.
Father on this Sabbath day, Be with us gathered here, we pray. 
Father on this Sabbath day, Be with us in our homes we pray. 
Father on this Sabbath day, Be with us in our hearts, we pray.
Hymn #148 Sabbath Day 

Enveloped in His tender arms, I felt His peace. Slowly I walked to the front, and prayed, I invited His spirit to attend our meeting, without a tear. What a testimony of the power of Christ's atoning, enabling power! He is my Savior!
Friends wrapped me in their arms as they came to know. All of them also asked how Bryce had taken the news. Their love helps heal my grieving broken heart! 

I hate addiction! I have watched the destructive power of addiction tear Dakota's family apart. And I realized this morning that maybe one of the reasons addiction is all around each of us, and is so prevalent in the final scenes on this earth is because once Satan has led someone to addiction...he can walk away because he no longer has to play an active role in destroying that child of God. Addiction does his work for him...and he moves on to another.

And so as I ache I step forward through this hard day, as I try to comfort Dakota's family, I continue to pray for His sustaining power. With a prayer in my heart, I will try to live my life, that others may want to be closer to Christ, because they know me.

When there's no peace on earth, there is peace in Christ.
He gives us hope when hope is gone.
He gives us strength, when we can't go on.
He gives us shelter, in storms of life.
When there's no peace on earth, there is peace in Christ. 

Many of you know we follow little Claire Ryann Crosby she and her Dad Dave sang this beautiful song when it was released to coincide with the YM/YW theme this year.
You can see them singing it on Utube  https://davecrosby.bandcamp.com/track 

I testify, there is peace in Christ, only He who bore our sins, pain and heartache, can bring us peace and hope and strength! He has, He is, and He will.