Nearer, my God, to Thee

I feel like my heart has been filleted. There is so much pain around me lately. My sweet friend Jodi, watched her Mother slip through the veil last week. And then sweet Spencer..
At times like this it seems to come all at once, this pain around me. Some days I am not convinced I will ever completely believe that Bryce survived his attempt. There are those quiet moments of reflection, wherein I try to wrap my head around the events of that fateful night....but sometimes it feels like I am watching someone else's life. Then suddenly the reality crashes through my subconscious when I learn about someone else's pain for their loved ones. Last night I learned of another friend, who's child attempted to take her life. 
I ache. I cry. I rage. I pray...for them..and for me too. And I feel so useless..knowing no one can really do much for anyone's shattered heart. However I now understand more intensely the the offers of help in my hour of need. But also I will never forget the power of loving faith-filled personal prayers, offered by others, in my behalf. That sustaining power is tangible to the recipients! And so I pray some more for their aching hearts! 

After finding out about my second friend's heartache, I was faced with driving home from Salt Lake in the rapidly approaching dusk of the day. I knew the drive would require my focused attention...instead of crying myself into a puddle. So as I drove in silent tears, I started a gratitude list of all the things I knew my sweet friend had done to prevent this very outcome. Slowly as the list grew, peace trickled into my heart. I arrived safely home, and learned her daughter would be ok. In the quiet of my home I ached for someone to hold me while I cried. I had made the decision not to tell Bryce. I didn't think it would serve any viable purpose at this juncture. Sitting at my kitchen table, suddenly I heard a gentle knock on my front door...I hesitated thinking I would likely be very poor company right then. However I opened my door to see my "Little" angels, Gary and Elizabeth poised to love me. I told them how desperately I had need of comfort, and they immediately did what they do best, wrapping me in their loving arms, listening, and talking. They ultimately prayed a protecting blessing over my home, both my friends' homes...and extended it to protect Clark and Cassidy as they made their way home.
As with most of our conversations, we discuss spiritual things, and my heart lifted as I witnessed yet another miracle. I felt so loved, by them, by my Savior, and by my Heavenly Father.

Today I ended my busy church-and-calling-day by visiting another ward's Young Women's meeting. This inspired YW President (who knew nothing of my life and struggles recently) began in earnest to teach those beautiful young women of their Eternal value and Divine destiny. As I watched this unfold I looked into the eager faces of some of God's truly incredible daughters and hoped and prayed they would somehow catch the vision of who they really are!. Daughters of the King, Royal Divine DNA flows in their veins, and in ours! We are all children of God. Oh how He loves us! Oh how I love those beautiful, divine, full-of-promise young women! I wish with all my heart that none of them would forget this moment, as Satan rages against them daily. That somehow they would in times of trial, pull from that Divine well-spring within and stand tall. Could we all have that moment of clarity, to remember who we really are?

Maybe we could all walk around with those animated conversation bubbles above our heads delineating our current challenge...think how much easier it would be to help those who were struggling silently!! Can you imagine how much we would want to be kinder to others, to wrap them in our arms and tell them they are loved, to pray for them especially when we are unfamiliar with their current trials? Maybe we can just pretend everyone's burdens are remarkably heavy, and personal, but that our love can heal, and bring peace, if we allow ourselves to be that instrument in God's all-loving and knowing hand.


Today I also was profoundly affected by one line in a hymn I have sung countless time over my life. 

Nearer, My God, to Thee.

"Nearer, my God to thee, nearer to thee,
E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me,
Still all my song shall be.
Nearer my God to thee."

I suddenly realized these words weren't talking about Christ's experience with His cross...
This was my plea to Him, that as I bore the cross of my struggles- those very struggles, and pain and anguish of soul, would ultimately bring me nearer to Him! If I let Him in.

I couldn't even finish singing the hymn, and I returned to the words again and again as this truth settled slowly in my heart. I felt His love wrapping me in a blanket of surety. He did know my agonies, he knew my friends agonies. He even knew intimately of the darkness that saturates the minds, and then removes rational thought as some of His children try desperately to find relief from their pain and suffering...ultimately believing suicide is truly their only option.

Yes His cross has made Eternity possible, but even during mortality my crosses will bring me to Him. That is His perfect plan for each of us!  Oh what a wonderful Sabbath it has turned out to be! 

Being in an agony...

I do not believe in coincidences...in fact I think that very word is tossed around so frequently, that it has impeded our ability, to recognize just how often the Lord's Tender Mercies run like a golden thread through the tapestry of our lives. Today I witnessed a singularly stunning example of the chain of recent Tender Mercies culminate into one of the most Christ-like events I can ever recall. 

About six weeks ago I was asked to facilitate one of the classes the Stake was offering, "Personal Finances for self-reliance." Try as I might, my attempts to get out of this assignment, failed repeatedly...until I finally listened to that still small voice. When I realized I was not required to have mastered this skill, or be the resident expert, in fact I was asked to just facilitate and follow the manual, I thought I knew some of the blessings (financially) that might come as a result of this course. My finite mind could not have ever comprehended what the Lord had in His plan for me. 

During the course of the training and preparation meetings of the Self-Reliance Facilitators,
I became acquainted with several other members of our Stake for the first time. One stood out as a kind and humble man. We had several conversations, and bumped into each other at various church-related occasions. He had such a beautiful spirit about him, that I admired.

By the second week of the course I had to miss due to the death and funeral of my Nephew Dakota. My heart aches still, for his life cut short. However moving forward in my life is the way I chose to honor my belief that Dakota is in a better place and no longer struggling. 

Clark & I had an accountability conversation recently with Bryce. While he was doing well in his recovery, we needed him to make a couple of changes. We discussed it and determined an acceptable course of action. Over the last two weeks Bryce has initiated our family prayer every night before bed. We have loved this new experience. Bryce told us he has felt such a difference in his life since doing this, and he has recognized the Spirit more in him and in our home. Today was the first time, in a long time, that he kept his commitment to us to work out in the yard by 9 am. We were definitely liking this new responsive son.  

I think back on my Wednesday this week, I worked, I served on my shift in the Temple. We passed a pleasant dinner with friends. A seemingly ordinary day. Little did I know that not far from us, another family's lives had been turned upside down. I remembered the feeling of standing in a grocery store line, when my world was seemingly spinning out-of-control. I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs...
"Don't you know that I am in the middle of my own personal Hell?" 
How can the world just appear to be going on the way it always has done, when my world was in such chaos? 

Yesterday I discovered the wonderful son of this good man, my new friend, I had so admired, had lost his son to suicide on Wednesday. My heart ached. I cried. I prayed for him and his family. And then a feeling- I am not sure how to even describe, seeped into my consciousness...a feeling to compete with the feeling of intense sadness engulfing my heart...guilt. A sense of somehow being rescued from the ending this family had, but not through any power of my own. I knew immediately I could not know the depth of their pain, but I had walked some of the path they were on. 

I finally sent my friend a text expressing that our love and prayers were with them. And indicated very briefly the decision Bryce had come to in his pain-filled mind, several months ago. He responded with heartfelt thanks for the prayers, sharing that he knew he and his family were being carried by those prayers, and was there a time he could stop by to visit with Clark and I? We arranged it this morning. I wasn't entirely sure why he was coming, but I prayed mightily that if I could be of service to him, that Father would show me His plan.

Bryce was mowing, and my friend asked when he arrived if that was Bryce, having never met him. I told him yes. I knew we were on sacred ground the minute he walked through our door. His pain was palpable. The conversation began about Clark's Moss family line, and they soon discovered they shared a common ancestor. As I watched this playing out before me, I wondered...surely he didn't come to discuss genealogy lines....And then Bryce came in through the back door...I wondered if I should invite him to join us...but instead of going on downstairs as I expected he would do...he walked up and into the kitchen. I introduced my friend to Bryce with the explanation that his son had taken his own life on Wednesday this week.

Bryce gasped and immediately reached out to shake my friend's hand. And then Bryce surprised all of us and joined us in the family room to participate in the conversation. Having just met Bryce, my friend explained: " I had to come over this morning to let you know you are loved!" We were all stunned into complete silence, and tears filled our eyes and fell down our cheeks, all of us were overcome with the love this friend was offering our Bryce. Before any conversation began he asked Bryce if he would be alright with the things we would talk about. He certainly didn't want to add to his pain. The compassion that emanated from this grieving father was breathtaking in it's intensity. We went on to talk for an hour, both about my friends' freshly wounded heart, and the peace he had been given even as he agonized over the loss of his son. And then we shared a little of Bryce's experience. 

Each of us shared something unique. Clark shared that just as we had been taught by a General Authority...who himself struggled with his own wayward children...we all need to rejoice in the gift of agency that each of us has been given. Each of us has to decide how we will use our agency, but it was a gift! 
Bryce shared that there is not usually anyone who can penetrate the plan of suicide permanently. That in the dark abyss of self loathing and depression, ending the pain often seems the only truly viable option. 
I shared that each of us is responsible for our choices, and that none of us can assume the responsibility of another's choices or consequences. 
Clark added...that is us trying to replace the Savior. Paying the price for another's choices is His divine role...not ours!

Our new friend told Bryce he will check up on him from time to time. And wave at him as he passes, so Bryce will know there are people who love and care for him.
After the hugs, he added, 
"You have a beautiful home...I mean it's beautiful what I feel here." It was a completely unexpected compliment, but I knew he'd also contributed to the Spirit in our home by what he had so selflessly done, and taught us all this morning.

Bryce went outside for a minute, and then as he came back inside he said simply, "That was awesome!" We talked about what had just happened...Bryce said "I just had the very clear impression that his son was happily doing missionary work on the other side of the veil. He was no longer struggling or in pain. I also know Bronson was in the throng of family and ancestors of this young man who greeted him with love and joy! I asked Bronson to give him a hug for me."

Bryce went on to say that the real miracle in his life is- that when he opened his eyes in the Hospital the first thing he remembers is my smiling face, so happy to see him. He said he felt pure confusion at my response....he's just tried to kill himself...and I was smiling and telling him I loved him. He's been blown away at how many virtual strangers love him. Slowly in his recovery he has finally been able to let go of the negative self loathing he has lived with in his head for so long...and he has slowly being able to accept the love so many offer him. He said recently he read that the success of recovery is in large measure due to the miracle of love. As he is learning to love himself, he's able to receive love and give it to others equally as freely as it has been offered to him.

Pretty powerful things this beautiful fall Saturday. Yet the thing that dwarfed all else as time went by...this friend in an agony of his own grief, didn't want to pass up an opportunity, to let Bryce, who may still be struggling... know that he loved him...even having only known of Bryce through us. Yet here he sat- in our home, impeccably dressed for a Saturday morning, and in the throws of his own personal excruciating grief, and he sought to offer love to another.

 A scripture came to mind, Luke 22:44 "And being in an agony he prayed...." Here before my very eyes I had witnessed quite possibly the most Christ-like service in a man filled to overflowing with heartache and personal pain, to a degree I honestly hope I will never know. And being in an agony... he was determined to make sure Bryce knew he was loved. 

There are no words.

Ahhh Fall...

I love milestones...maybe it's a way to acknowledge progress. Maybe it's an opportunity to celebrate our lives. Whatever the driving force behind marking the milestones, the work we are doing in our lives to improve ourselves should be a reason to celebrate.

Yesterday was Bryce's 90 days sober and clean! We took him out to lunch and did the whole corny toast to his recovery! We really are so proud of his efforts. He is doing so well at his job...he has been given a raise and a promotion. I'm not aware of any job he's had that either of those things have happened in his past. He's knocking their socks off with his performance and work ethic. Pretty impressive stuff!

The struggle is still real, and daily, but he's doing recovery one day at a time. Yesterday he told me that recently he was looking at his license plate on his car, and ever the numbers and patterns guy....came up with this: 

                                      F07 3HL                   "Fought thru hell" 

It took me a minute to get it...can you see it? He certainly has fought his way back to this life he has now. Just as his Dad and Gary blessed him to do that night in the ER. And I am so grateful and pleased he continues to choose to fight. He truly is amazing...and an inspiration to me and others.

He has instigated our family prayers each night this last week. And slowly as the days went by he told us he has felt a different spirit in his life as we've had those prayers, together,as a family. He laughs more and reacts to Clark's teasing with some of his own. 

My sweet friend Bella posted this recently:

"The trees are about to show us how lovely it is to let things go." 🍂🍁

I absolutely loved this! We all have to let things go from time to time. Some are painful even, as we progress, develop and grow. However every fall, here in Utah, the very handiwork of God Himself...show us how to do it with beauty and grace and dignity. Then as the glorious fall slowly morphs into winter, I am reminded again that for all it's breathtaking beauty...too soon, the fall leaves will flutter slowly to the earth below, as the colder nighttime air creeps into the mountains above and the valleys below. Trees become bare, eventually the snow will cover everything, and the world will be all-white and silent again. Then before we know it...the weather begins to warm up...the snow melts...the green buds are ready to burst on the trees, and slowly the branches are transformed into a cacophony of color and life. The cycle of life begins again. 

So this fall I vow to follow the example of these glorious leaves...and accept change as it comes. I am going to remind myself to strive harder for a balanced life. I am going to pray to be more intuitive to others needs...to reach out and be kind, and love others. I will try to relieve their burdens and suffering, even if all I can do is offer a genuine hug. And while the world outside goes through her graceful changes, I will work on my own changes, and try to be a better me.

And I promise to remember more often that God is in His heaven...and though sometimes I might question...All is well in the world. Or it will be in His divine and perfect timing. And I will try to recognize that change, though hard at times, is ultimately for my benefit. I need to trust more completely Him who molds me...because He loved me first, and loves me still.


 

All is well.

I have often heard the expression "Remember where you were when Pres Kennedy was shot?"
However, as I was not living in the United States when it happened..this expression had little meaning for me personally. Now, now I understand the expression. 

Our kids had just come home from early morning Seminary in California on the morning of the attacks. We turned on the TV and watched in stunned, silent horror as the events were unfolding on the other side of the country. In those early minutes as the attacks spread from the Towers in lower Manhattan...to a field in Pennsylvania...to the Pentagon...real fear gripped my heart as I knew we were only miles from one of the Nation's Nuclear Facilities...what if...the images were terrifying.

Then I thought about Trevor...who traveled all over the globe for Qantas...praying he wasn't on one of those planes...I dialed him, not caring what time it was in Australia...he answered the phone, and of course already knew more than we did.

Somehow there seemed to be some kind of surreal disconnect between the images I was looking at and the reality of the situation. It couldn't be possible....and then when the Towers began the swift disintegration of destruction...I watched the cloud of dust and debris racing towards the cameras....tons of twisted, melting steel collapsing on so many first-responders ...and others. Others who had gone to work that morning like they did every other day...only this day would not ever be like any other day any of us had ever experienced.

My heart ached for the loss of life. I prayed fervently for those working on recovery and rescue. 
Later this image became my favorite of that unspeakable disaster. It seemed to capture so much.

Later I stood at ground zero and I saw the crater left by that senseless act of hate.

Later I walked the beautiful, peaceful, reverent replacement grounds created in honor of the victims.

The twin lights seemed such a beacon of hope...when all seemed to be lost.
The reflection...life for some of us did go on, and today we stand united and stronger against hate.
Today again I am so grateful for the first-responders...who climbed to their death while they gave their all to save as many as possible.
There were many who were spared...they felt impressed not to go into work that morning. I hope they can rise above the survivors guilt and live again to make the world better.
I also remember that churches were filled to overflowing after the attacks.
I remember the companies making American flags...were sold out for months.

I remember the first General Conference after this time of pain.
I remember President Hinckley saying, "Are these perilous times? They are. But there is no need to fear. We can have peace in our hearts and peace in our homes. We can be an influence for good in this world, every one of us."

So as we come upon yet another anniversary of that disastrous day, 9/11, I feel grateful for the answers to prayers I have known. I am grateful to have leaders to follow, who know the path to take. I feel grateful to know good men and women continue to serve as first-responders. And most importantly I hold tight to my knowledge of my loving Heavenly Father, who knows me and loves me. And Jesus Christ, who as my Savior, has given His all that I may have a way back home for Eternity.

Hope and peace can live in this less-than-perfect world.
I continue to look forward to the day Satan will be bound from this earth.
In the mean time I choose to do all that I can to wrap those I love in the sacred security of the Holy Ghost.

Always remember...never forget...all is well.