Standing strong in the fog.

I have been itching to write, but without something specific I have hesitated. Then just this morning my sweet friend Audra shared something that resonated with my heart, with her permission I will share.

One of her friends sent her this, "Our kids are great and amazing. They were sent to us because the Lord knew we would fight to protect them from the world." 
Audra went on to say, "A wise friend sent me this text yesterday. We'd been chatting about our children who have quirks that are challenging us and growing us. As I caught the gorgeous rising of the sun this morning, I heard a voice quietly tell me that the end result will be magnificent. The sun doesn't rise with a snap of a finger. Slowly, over time we witness it's changing beauty."
She continues, "And so it will be with my child. So it is with every single quirk we encounter in life. So often I want the end result to be immediate. To be free from the frustration, exhaustion and overwhelm. But with each passing day, more beauty is being added. How lucky are we to witness beauty as it's being created?"

This seemed to fit with my scripture study early this morning as I read. Someone suggested reading a chapter each day of Luke as he wrote 24 chapters, and one a day in December will end Christmas Eve, and I will have the beautiful window into Christ's earthly life and ministry. It has been remarkable to read Luke again this time! Today Luke talked about the parable of the sower (Chapter 8 because today is December 8th) he explains what each of the seeds represent but it was the good seeds that really hit me today. Luke 8:15.
"But that on the good ground are they, which in an honest and good heart, having heard the word, keep it and bring forth fruit with patience."

 Then I went to my Book of Mormon and read 1 Nephi 14:14.
"And it came to pass that I Nephi, beheld the power of the Lamb of God, that it descended upon the saints of the church of the Lamb, and upon the covenant people, who were scattered upon all the face of the earth; and they were armed with righteousness and with the power of God in great glory." (Italics added on both scriptures)

Audra's remarkable sunrise message that the end result will be magnificent, combined with these specific scriptures this morning for me also reminds me that we are each armed with power from Jesus Christ to keep His good words, in any way they come to each of us individually, and that as His covenant people, in righteousness- we will bring forth fruit with patience. That patience is what is hard for me. Like Audra, I want to see results immediately! However I have learned that as I wait patiently on the Lord and have faith in His divine timing, the end result is magnificent! And these promises that I can, through my obedience in staying firmly on His covenant path, have His power daily in my life, are what makes my life have meaning, purpose and allow me to slowly see the magnificence I am promised, seep gently into my life.

This week I had a glimpse of a portion of His magnificence when I went to the Temple. The experience has been very much on my mind and is sinking deep into my heart. Sacred experiences always give me pause when faced with sharing them, however I think this is what has driven me to write this morning.

I have been nearly consumed with my upcoming return to work. My shoulder is still healing and I have been worried I am returning too early, if I do what the Short Term Disability folks are telling me. Always aware of our finances, this situation had me running around in circles in my head. Finally Wednesday morning as I began to prepare for my Temple shift I felt the strong impression to do an initiatory session first. 
So I did. 
Then I followed another impression to go to the Celestial room. 
So I did. 

I felt led to a couch there instead of a single chair, I remember thinking that was an odd choice as I was alone. Well not for long! I began admiring the beautiful chandelier, and then the windows, as I sought for peace, and to get into the right mindset to pray. Suddenly I felt someone join me on the couch. I think my spirit realized instantly who it was, but my mind was struggling to accept it. Then the Savior quietly said to me, "Take the money out of the equation." So I did. And then I saw the path before me open up to my answer. It was remarkable because while I couldn't actually describe what physical things were physically moving out of the way...the path to my answer was cleared before my eyes. It's difficult to explain the way it looked to me, yet the end result, my answer, was crystal clear. I paused a moment to absorb all of this remarkable experience. He waited patiently and quietly for me to catch up. Then I started to think how undeserving I felt of this moment as I had only recently restarted my daily devotionals again since being away helping Dani with Declan...but I didn't get very far in that thought when He gently replied, "Please don't say that, you are always deserving and I am always here for you. I love you." And just like that He was gone. And I got the distinct impression that there were others He needed to be with. My next thought was, well it is His house after-all, why wouldn't He be serving here too! 

Yes then I actually looked at the couch cushion next to mine...it was empty, as I knew it would be. I sat there and soaked up this experience, but quickly felt I didn't need to stay. As I walked quietly from the room I realized that I had only been inside for less than 5 minutes. It's like He was waiting for me and I felt a sense of excitement from Him as He sat down, and that surprised me a little. Later as I have reflected on this whole experience it was such a powerful reminder that our Savior is always close by. He is always willing and ready to help.  He was excited because I had come for His help, and He knew He could give me the guidance I was needing so desperately. It seemed almost effortless on His part, after-all does He not promise us all good gifts? Does He not stand at the door and knock? 

Yes His perfect timing in all things still makes the end result magnificent.

And now as my Sabbath is beginning here in Utah, I am a little jealous of Audra's sunrise in North Carolina, because while the sky outside is slowly turning to day...there will be no chance the sun will show itself as the mountains are shrouded in clouds...at least they hide the snow I know is there, so there's that....So today I glory in my Jesus. Today I will show covenant purpose and patience. And I will wait upon the Lord for my own magnificent end results.

Is there no end to leaves?

Fall is a very busy and trying time for us. With 44 mature trees, whose leafy shade is heralded by all at the peak of summer, we are nearly overwhelmed as they shake loose their leaves and fall. Everywhere. Leaves. Leaves, and more leaves! While I have been with Dani & Declan, Clark has been trying to keep up alone. Bryce is working full-time at Go Health in Lindon. This is their busy season as open enrollment goes through the first week of December. He's worked as many as 14 hours on some days but is totally nailing it and loving it! We are so proud as we watch him adult stone cold sober! He's amazing! But not available for yard work 😩

So with the rain forecasted for today we had to act quickly. I left Dani & Declan and dragged out the blower. Clark was stuck at work and sunset was at 5!

We had been issued a challenge on Sunday to take D&C 6:36 to heart...but with a twist...
 "Look unto me in every thought, doubt not, fear not" So at first glance it appears we are being challenged to  look to Him, without fear or doubts...however what if this follows the Book of Mormon pattern of "If...then"? So reading it again what IF I look to Him in every thought THEN I'll be blessed that I'll not doubt or be fearful. WOW! So I'd been trying this exercise in little ways and marveled at what was happening.

So back to my leaf blowing...it's pretty noisy  so I quickly discovered I was in a bubble  of noise, rendering any distractions mute. I again turned my thoughts to Him. I explained I needed whatever miracle He would bless me with because it would be absolutely impossible to complete the task before  me alone. So I gave Him a few suggestions, I have family in the other side of the veil, strong children, eager grandchildren, grateful ancestors...I was not opposed to their help. I knew it might mess things up a bit for others, if He lengthened out the day....so maybe bless my eyes to see in the gathering dark. I needed strength beyond my own as my shoulder is still healing. Maybe the blower could be stronger than normal... It may sound strange these suggestions but I realized that I had no  fear or doubt in laying out my plan to Him!
And then I went to work in a race against the sun. I did  my best and when sunset came and went and I was still in my blessed bubble, the leaves seemed endless and oh how I wanted to quit!!! No one would have faulted me, but in the past repeatedly I never quit when others expected it, why was now any different?
At 5 when Clark arrived home, I was still blowing those dang leaves! He started on the other side of our yard, I could still clearly see my leaves at 6:30, until I watched that last curled, dry leaf blow onto the pile to ends its life.
I turned around and realized Clark couldn't 'sweep' the leaves from the gravel path it too had to be blown. I began to blow and realized in the gathering dark I could still see enough to know I was moving the leaves in the right direction.
At 7:30 we both went inside and it was then that Clark realized I'd been blowing for three hours!!

At 6 am I heard the rain on my tin roof and smiled! As the rain has continued to fall gently most of the day I have felt to look unto Him in every thought of soul drenching gratitude. As the sun rose this morning I looked out on my back yard and realized what a sacred place it is now.
God lives He hears and answers every prayer. And as He does my fears and doubts flee, just as He promised.

So I   have finished the book and after several emails and phone calls I was formally invited to submit my manuscript to Covenant. I was excited but slowly let my faith trample my fear. My friend reminded me of the challenge. So I hit the button this morning and off it went! Shortly thereafter I got another phone call from the Acquisition Agent telling me he was very impressed and had already given it to an editor.He was told by the editor they were ahead of schedule and should have an answer by Friday or possibly Monday. I was pleasantly surprised. My day got busy with the grandkids but a couple of hours later I got another call..."Sharon, the editor just told me we can't accept your manuscript, remember I told you we are Christian publishers? Well we can't publish anything from a Mormon."
He went on to recommended another Publisher...I was stunned and very confused. He got off the call immediately and hasn't answered my followup email.
First I slowly realized I had submitted to Covenant Publishing, not Covenant Communications!!
Second I realized he appeared to be under the delusion that Mormons were not Christians!!
Then my Mama Bear came out and I really wanted to set him straight about just who we worshipped, The Living Christ, the author and finisher of my faith!! And the best yard work helper EVER!

Later in the day after I had laid my pride aside for making such a mistake, I mused in silent prayer why the Lord, who has directed this whole journey -allowed this deviation to take place. He quietly answered, "They needed the book for themselves, it was the only way they'd read it."

As I am writing tonight, I'm also rocking my sleeping sweet Declan for Dani and I marvel at what I have experienced since I heard and accepted the challenge. I also see sacred places in my everyday journey  that remind me of His miracles in my life. And I am reminded again, as Elder Bona taught me from Italy..."God's Plan is always working." And when I surrender my heart to Him, He never disappoints. So I am soaking up the sweet serenity of snuggles with my darling Declan seeing  his very existence as a gift from God!

...and then comes Joy...

As my daughter Danielle approached her 37th week of pregnancy, she
developed Cholestatis, where the liver fails to filter the bile from the blood. It can cause stillborn babies, so they induced her within days of the discovery.

Earlier in her pregnancy when she had said she didn't really want another October birthday in our family, she'd prefer he'd come November first, I was worried. She is very small boned and I knew this little guy was already good-sized, if she went over her due date (10/27) it would be unlikely in my opinion that she would be able to deliver him. In fact as we had a dinner out with them, the day before she would tell me about her suspicions of the Cholecystitis, we had each offered our guesses as to his birth weight. Six days later we discovered I was the closest...it's a Mommy thing. This dinner was so they could tell Clark little Mr Man would carry Clark as his middle name! Clark was thrilled of course. Dani told us it was Paul's idea from the beginning of the pregnancy.

By Friday she got the test results. A normal range is 1-10 she came in at 75! Her physician said "So baby Monday or Tuesday?" Since obviously this little guy would not have his own Birthday month, she said let's have him on my nephew Tayden's birthday...we'll go for Monday! Tayden was off-the-charts excited! If possible- even more excited, than he was at the gender reveal. He was so upset that the majority of us were guessing a girl, he thought that if more of us guessed a girl then it would dictate the gender. When the blue confetti filled the air from my cannon, Taydie went screaming round and round in circles "IT'S A BOY!! IT'S A BOY!!" So now for Dani to deliver this BOY on Tayden's birthday...well it didn't get much better than that! Only a few more sleeps til they meet!

As we reviewed her lists of things we had planned to do leisurely in her last three weeks before the newest little Mr Skinner arrived, suddenly all priorities changed. With laser-like focus we got the nursery ready, installed the car-seat, and bought the remaining items necessary. She chose his coming home outfit and packed her bags. GAME ON.

Simultaneously I packed my bags and made the necessary arrangements to move into her home for the foreseeable future. Her two step-sons at 11 & 13 years old, were not really sure how this littlest brother thing would turn out... 
On Sunday night she was being admitted to begin the induction process. When I arrived at her home in Bluffdale the boys were down stairs, unaware I had arrived, Dani & Paul were on their way back to their house after getting another steroid shot for Mr Man's lungs, so I began carrying in my things to my upstairs rooms. Going back for my second load, I descended their stairs, which are broken up by a landing halfway down. As my toes touched the landing, I stopped because I could feel his presence there. He said to me, " I am ready, and I will do my part." Although I didn't know his name at that time, I knew my grandson's spirit. The warmth of the Holy Ghost washed over me, testifying of the truth of this sacred moment. I smiled and thought, I too, am ready and will do my part. 

That night I prayed that we would have angels to support us all in this sacred experience.
All our best-laid plans went out the window, as her body responded almost immediately, going into labor before anyone really realized. All she knew was this was a ton of pain, way sooner than anyone had intimated.
After I arrived to be with her during the birth, and she progressed quickly. Then the end was insight, and on more than one occasion I could feel those Angels I had prayed for, including Dani's older sister Sara. A 'sunrise' baby. One of two miscarriages before Cassidy was born.
In reflection I marveled again just how thin the veil is at times, and how eager family is to support family.
They told us at three weeks early our little Mr Man would likely have breathing issues, and the Respiratory Therapist and nurses from Emergency Medicine quietly began preparations in her room. I asked how we would know he was ok ? The answer, "If he cries, he's good" 
Not long after that my amazing daughter gave birth to her first little Mr Man at 4:04 pm He weighed in at 7 lbs 8 ozs and screamed with gusto! I quickly moved from delivery helper to photographer, capturing those first moments of Mom & Dad finally meeting him. In that tender moment, I recognized the great blessings, tender mercies, major miracles, and the gentle presence of so many family members from the other side of the veil rejoicing in his arrival.  Seeing the pure joy on their faces, I set all other roles aside and quietly had my own tear-filled and tender Mom & Nanny moment. The recently heard remark "Our trials and afflictions can make space for greater joy." came to my mind. Oh what joy I was seeing and feeling there!

Declan Clark Skinner had arrived! He was perfect in every way, with no problems, and never did look like a premature newborn! His chubby cheeks and the ton of golden strawberry-blonde hair drew ooh's and aah's from all who saw him. One nurse told us "When a baby makes other nurses stop in the halls, you know he is cute...we see babies all day every day"
We laughed when his Audiologist asked if she could part his hair over his ear for her equipment! I commented "You probably don't ask that question too often."
Declan was alert, and knew His Mommy immediately, and screamed whenever he was taken away from her. By day two he knew his Dad, and watched him intently. I have never seen anything like it! 

And so life began with our darling Declan. I quickly observed that whenever I held him, his eyes would be pulled toward the ceiling. Not uncommon in newborns. I had always quietly felt babies were seeing their family there from this new perspective. However this time with Declan was different. I watched those beautiful blue eyes tracking the movements of others I could not see. It happened every time I held him for the first two weeks. I finally told Dani he was watching his sisters. I think he has twin sisters who are waiting to come down! Towards the end of last week he finally looked into my eyes and I knew the veil, thin as it is, had been closed.

During the weeks and months prior to this blessed event I had felt such a sense of urgency to complete the Book. So I have been working hard on this in & around two hand surgeries, a Stake Girls Camp, and then the other shoulder surgery. I have been greatly blessed physically to accomplish this divine mission. Although the pain has been my constant companion, I have felt sustained and blessed beyond measure. And then this was given to me, and it feels applicable to share here. It's in my chapter "The Power of Joy"
‘Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”

And so it is! Joy fills our lives, even when this old Nanny nearly falls asleep with the fussy Declan in her arms, or I stumble through the dark as Declan screams for his Mom and his next meal, or when I get ridiculously excited to see Lover after a week (or two or three) away from him. Joy! It's everywhere when I look for it! May we each find our Joy, even as we endure hard things, the promise of Joy to come will sustain us!

Suicide Prevention Week

Suicide prevention week. I have been asked why I am writing a book about our experience with Bryce's suicide attempt. Well, first and foremost because The Lord asked me to. Coming in a very close second is that I hold out the hope that it may help someone to either change their own course of action, or that they may be able to better understand the role mental health plays in this very sad decision, suicide. Far too often there are so many unanswered questions, and feelings of guilt in those left behind. I believe we have been able to get a rare glimpse inside the chaotic darkness of a mind who honestly believes suicide is the only unexplored pathway out of their constant aching pain. And so share I must, to break the silence, the stigma and the shame.

I also believe that we all must work to remove the negative stigma of mental health conditions, and suicide itself. I believe we can all do a better job of being kind to others. Whether we know their pain or not. Aren't we all completely shocked when someone takes their life? Is that feeling not proof enough that we rarely understand another's pain? But the beautiful truth is we do not need to know their pain, we just need to love them. We need to be that one person who isn't afraid of the uglies in other's lives. We need to each be that person that is known, and counted on, to look them in the eye with love, not censure and petty judgement. Sometimes we need to be the one to follow our heart and be unafraid to ask the hard questions, "Are you thinking about harming yourself?" "What can I do to ease your pain?" And then be prepared to hold on tight and not run from whatever answer we are given. Hard as it may be, STAY PRESENT with them! And if necessary stay until more help can arrive. 

The cold hard truth of the matter is that these preventive steps need to be taken early, consistently, and as often as necessary for prevention to be a real reality. As Elder Rasband asked our CES leaders, Seminary & Institute teachers, to be 'First Responders', so too must we. Be that friend, parent, teacher, or leader who is living close to the Spirit and obeying promptings. Be that one noticing others who are withdrawing or isolating, and go be with them. We can each truly make a difference! 

I'll never forget the day my sweet friends Jesse, Blaine and I were sharing our concerns about our sons, she had very recently lost her Spencer, and I was struggling with something Bryce was doing and Jesse quietly said, "I wish I had that problem." What a powerful moment that was, and it's impact on my heart & soul will forever be felt. Her fear of loss had been replaced by in-calculable pain at separation from her wonderful son. 

I am so grateful that we have been able to transition quietly into removing the shame in our conversations with Bryce, and others, about tough stuff. I hope everyone knows I can be counted on to talk about the uglies. So is Bryce, interestingly enough. And having gone down that path and survived- he has taught us so much. Even though suicide lingers on the edge of his mind still, he is learning how to handle that more effectively by sharing. And we can only hope and pray for his future. 

So in this week of prevention my prayer is that each of us can cast aside our fear of conversations about the uglies we all live with daily in mortality. I pray that we each can take on the role of 'First Responders' and let our heart lead us to our own personal power to love others wherever they may be on life's path, including those who have lost someone they love. We all need each other, every day. And I believe hearts, and minds will heal, as we offer pure love to our fellow-travelers here. 

Jello Jiggler Scraps Anyone?

I feel like I am pretty good about obeying the Spirit. I remember the one piece of advice my Mum gave me as I went off to college was, "When you are feeling down, do something for someone else." That counsel was etched on my heart after the first week of school. We had a friend living in Rexburg who cared for her elderly mother, and I knew her sweet Mom was declining and as I struggled with feeling a bit out of sorts on that Saturday night...my Mum's words floated into my mind. Then I began to argue with the Spirit...it was dark, I'd have to walk there alone, I'll go tomorrow. You can probably guess the outcome of this experience by now. Yes, the following morning my friend called to tell me her Mother had passed away in the early hours that morning. I was upset and vowed I would always do the Lord's bidding from then on. Even the errands He sends me on that seem very odd. Like the time I was making Jello Jigglers for a Stake Primary Activity, and the Spirit said take the scraps to Jenny...Yes that gave me pause as I thought what in the world will Jenny think? However He was pretty insistent, so I covered the pile of 'edges' with plastic wrap and dropped them off at her door with an "I love you." note on top. Later that day when she came home from work she called me in tears. "I just had the worst day at work, how did you know I love Jello Jigglers scraps?" You see I didn't know that about her. But God did! I have many stories of being led to do something for someone else. I have been true to my vow, with very few exceptions. 

Friday found Bryce and I in yet another courtroom, as he is diligently cleaning up his past messes. As is usual with these court hearings, we'd been waiting for his turn for over an hour. Then the judge called up this lady, who looked well put-together, dressed and spoke nicely, and stood out from the parade of folks we'd already witnessed. Then she had our undivided attention as she seemed determined to plead guilty of discharging a firearm in her home. The story began to unfold piece by painful piece, when the judge said, "Why did you do it?" She answered, "I was trying to take my life." Tears filled my eyes as she continued, and I had to put my hand over my mouth to stifle the sob that was trying to escape. She finally told him she had lost 7 people close to her in a two-month period of time and the pain to go on was just insurmountable. By now my tears were coursing down my cheeks as I struggled to breathe. She went on confidently advising the Judge she had gone into counseling, and really wanted to just get this behind her, as she was in such a better place now. We watched with respect as the Judge did the best he could for her. I leaned over to Bryce and said, "Be ready I am going to hug that woman when she's done." He quickly replied, "Oh good I was trying to figure out how to do that without freaking the Judge out."

I stood as she left the stand and said, "Can I give you a hug?" Though she was very surprised she seemed to fall into my outstretched arms. While I held her I said, "That was very brave and I am so glad you stayed. Please stay, you are loved and needed, don't leave." And then I stepped back as the Judge called Bryce up. I however couldn't stop crying, all through his hearing, through the paperwork to clear the warrant, and into the parking lot. I finally hugged him and quietly said, "I am glad you were here for your court hearing today, and that you are alive."
It was one of those moments when what-could-have-been screams at me in the face. 

I doubt I will ever see her again, and she doesn't know who I am or why I did that, but God does. God knew what she needed to hear and feel that day in the courtroom. And He knew I would do as He asked. So she could feel His love in whatever measure He knew she would feel it. WOW! I am not sure on this journey of healing and recovery if I will ever be able to erase that experience from my heart. 

I remember my sweet friend Claire, telling me once that if she could have one Gift of the Spirit, that she could choose, it would be to be able to say the words Heavenly Father wanted her to say to someone about how much He loves that person. I think she already has that gift, because she often brings Heavenly Father's love to me through her words.

Today was no exception, and a much needed boost of confidence when she text me. She said, " I finished reading your book today! I loved it. I believe you offer different avenues of hope when struggling through adversity. Each section offers examples of how I can reach out to my Heavenly Father to look for comfort and peace. I feel like there are many emotions of which you speak that will resonate with many. Although no one will experience the exact trial of which you write many many many brothers and sisters will experience the same depth of sorrow, grief, loneliness, hope, charity, and Christlike love. I love you friend. What an honor to read your sacred work."

I find often my fears are battling with my faith as I write the book, coupled with my physical issues with my shoulder, I was in desperate need of love and support to keep pushing on through this process. Claire was my sweet support today. You see, God knew exactly what I needed, even while I may have not been able to articulate it to Him. And in His infinite mercy and unfailing love, He placed Claire in my world, to be there for me today. There are angels among us, on both sides of the veil. And while I may be one for someone, He sends them to me when I need it most.

Love, hope and peace...in the fire.

I know I need to write today, I am struggling to complete the book I am writing, and that fight between fear and faith has kept me somewhat silent. So as I sit to write I look out over my yard, the trees are full and green, my lawn is covered in fascinating dappled patterns, as the sun shines through the thousands of leaves.The sky is a summer blue, promising plenty of heat later. The birds are chirping, and it all feels peaceful. I take a deep breath and let it out, slowly willing my heart and mind to relax. 

Suddenly the all-too familiar faint thump of the coming helicopter shatter the silence. Louder and louder the rotor blades whir, whipping the air as it passes right over my house. My heart races and tears filled my eyes as I say a silent prayer for whoever is in the helicopter, and especially for those left on the ground. I am not sure why some of these helicopter passes hit my wounded heart more than others. Today it was hard to hear. Last week at lunch with my friend, Judi, we watched three ambulances with lights and sirens pass us, and my tears fell quickly. Maybe it's the re-living as I commit those painful memories of this last year with Bryce, to the printed page, that has me feeling so raw. Maybe it's the anguish I feel as I hear of others in their heartache, trying to stop their personal pain by attempting to take their lives. Urgency that what I have been called to share may somehow ease someone's pain in some way.

In studying the words of Paul in his letter to the Corinthian saints, I think I am relating to what I see as his great desire to love others, as he brings them to Christ. He mirrors what I also know- that we are each given temptations-which the footnotes broaden to test, try, prove- that in our suffering we will come to Christ. And that through our suffering we can later empathize more fully with others, love more deeply, and seek to ease the burdens of others also struggling with their own trials. My brother-in-law Ed suddenly lost his wife a few years ago and shortly thereafter he penned a poignant piece about his being broken not to pieces, but to PEACE. I still am moved to tears each time I read it. When I asked permission to share it as I was teaching, his simple reply was "I knew it was never for me alone." I have thought on his powerful example so often as I have bared my soul during Bryce's crisis, and like Ed I know this experience is not just for me.

Paul teaches we are all members of the body of Christ, and in this community together we are blessed with all the gifts of the Spirit. And we know that these gifts of the Spirit are for the express purpose of blessing others lives. However I also know I can't fix someone else, Bryce included, but I can participate in their healing. I can't fix Bryce but I can be an instrument in Christ's hand to help heal Bryce's pain, to lead him back to Christ, so Christ the Master Healer can do what no one else can do for Bryce-apply His Atonement!

Paul also confirms "God will not suffer you to be tempted (tried, tested or proven) above that ye are able....but with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." (1Cor 10:13 Italics added) If God wasn't going to give us something more than we can handle...why would we need a Savior? 

The reminder weekly as we are offered His Sacrament, that He did drink the bitter cup before Him, and that cup is now turned into our blessing. So in my suffering I am walking a path, in a very small measure- similar, to Christ, and that is why when I have done all I can do myself, He steps in, carrying me, thus making a way possible for me to escape. My responsibility to always keep my covenants goes beyond just the blessings they bring me, but also increases my ability, after walking through my own fires, to reach out and lift others, and help them come to Christ. If I am to minister in Holy ways then I must live the things of the Temple. Mary Ellen Edmunds , my MTC Director years ago, once said, "In times of tribulation, hopefully a covenant person is within reach." I want to be that covenant person, living my covenants daily, so I am within reach of those around me who may be suffering. 

As I reflect on those I reached for after Bryce's attempt...my covenant-keeping husband, my children (who loved in the most Christ-like manner) my ministering brother, Gary, and my ministering sisters Claire & Heidi. And others who I knew were keeping their covenants, and therefore when I reached out they responded with love. Love is the motivation power behind every Spiritual gift, and every compassionate act. I am bankrupt without love. All these gifts bind our hearts to Christ.

Ultimately Christ's suffering taught Him how to understand my suffering, and my suffering gives me empathy for another's suffering. Charity is coming out of a really hard thing knowing I am going to understand someone else better, I am going to be able to love others more. This cycle of learning ultimately makes me more Christlike. His suffering made Him more able to love me more or better. I think I can hear Him explain, "As I bring you through this, you will be able to bring others through their trials." This then is the very essence of why we can have hope, and peace while we are still standing in the flames, or ashes of our trials. 

Sweet are the gifts come from God.

These last couple of weeks we've had almost daily improvements in Bryce. He apparently meant it when he said that last time was really his rock bottom. He has been so helpful caring for me after each of my surgeries. He's cleaned cooked and done whatever I needed to have done. And after he decided to start living again Clark talked to him about the blessings of weekly taking the sacrament, and that how no one was required to be perfect to partake, in reality that is exactly why we take the Sacrament weekly, to assist us to be better  and to repent as we go. So he has been to church and taken the Sacrament two weeks in a row and we have watched in humble amazement as the windows of Heaven have opened and blessed all of us! 
And today he was offered not one but two jobs at Vivint right here in Lindon. He chose the one he thought would be more enjoyable and felt right to him. HE HAS A FULL TIME JOB! 
Words to express my gratitude escape me temporarily. He is so excited and grateful and was moved to tears  as he offered his thanks to his Father in Heaven just now when we got home. 
Oh how sweet to see the power of prayer, the power of obediently keeping covenants, the power of holding fast to hope, and the power of turning away from Satan's attempts to destroy him! Today, Bryce is victorious! Not today Satan...not today!!!

I wish I had the ability to have each of you know how often your prayers and love  have sustained us all! I know Bryce's journey to happiness isn't over but we are one enormous step closer today. Isn't that the gift a new day brings? One with no mistakes, no leftovers from yesterday, one to make good or better choices than yesterday? 

This morning I was studying Paul in Romans and he talks about the age-old story of Abraham and Sarah. And how Abraham was promised seed too great to number like the sands of the sea....now y'all know I'm all in when it comes to beach references right? Well back to Abraham's promise, unfortunately Sarah was barren! So to them it seemed inconceivable to see things change. However, similar to Job, Abraham (Roman's 4:18-22) who against hope -believed in hope, and being not weak in faith, he staggered not at the promise of God. He instead gave glory to God and was himself fully persuaded that what God had promised God was able to perform!  And of course we know what happened in the Lord's time...well we wouldn't be here if God didn't keep His promises! 

But that's just it...God always keeps His promises! As Elder Bona taught me so beautifully at the conclusion of his mission to Italy last month "God's plan is ALWAYS working, even if we don't know just yet!" His timing is impeccable and His will is always being done. So then I began to think of some of His promises to me. Like Eternal Life. True and lasting joy. Promises about reclaiming my children for eternity. So while this will sound simplistic bear with me for a minute. If I do my part His promises are sure! 

And then He's given me grace, the ultimate power to access His Atonement, enabling me to  repent and return to Him. It's our secret weapon! And as I live up to my covenants with Him, every blessing He's promised will be mine. He cannot lie! 

So I will follow Paul, Abraham and Job's example and I will, against hope believe in hope, 
I will be not weak in faith, I will stagger not at the wonderful promises God has promised because I too will be persuaded if He's promised them - He will  perform! And I will live in Thanksgiving daily. God  is good!

To breathe or not to breathe, that is the question.

I wonder sometimes why certain events play out like they do, and try to understand the life lessons the Lord wants me to learn. I decided to blog about this partly in hopes of figuring out the lesson to be learned.

Many of you may remember the horrific experience I had with my last shoulder surgery, Murphys Law reigned supreme in that experience. So much so I was traumatized for three years and was unable to even consider having the necessary surgery for my other shoulder. Finally recognizing the unrelenting pain and knowledge that I was doing more damage by putting it off, I both decided, and executed,  very quickly. After both hands had healed sufficiently, but not enough to return to work, the Lord moved mountains for me and said now is the time! I had the surgery on Wednesday. It went very well Dr told Danielle. Removed a bone spur, repaired rotator cuff, and bicep Tendon release or repair...or something.

This time the nerve block actually worked initially, they described that as it began to wear off, my hands would get tingly and that sensation would continue up my arm and that when it got to between wrist and elbow I should start on pain medication to stay ahead of the pain. Because the nerve block last time didn't work at all- we never really got a good handle on my pain, so this time when 6-7 hours later the pain came on like a runway freight train, we were stunned! Fearing we were already behind the ball- we immediately started in on the prescribed meds. I was initially stunned at the amount the Dr had prescribed, but already in tremendous pain I submitted and we made a plan to stay ahead of it during the night. Knowing neither of us would sleep well Clark slept across the hall in the guest bedroom. But by the second or third dose I became aware that I was not breathing right. I'd doze  off and then wake myself up as I gasped to restart my breathing. This wasn't good but I was  powerless to change anything. I dozed off again and stopped breathing, no gasping. I want to believe it wasn't an extended period of time before I was woken by a familiar voice loudly saying "Mom!" That shocked me into breathing again. I lay awake and suddenly realized the voice was very similar to my daughter Danielle, but she wasn't in my room. I was then given to  know it was her older sister who I had miscarried before my pregnancy with Cassidy my first born son. I always knew I had both a son and a daughter waiting with our Bronson on the other side of the veil but I had never had any contact with either of them before this night.

And after she called out to me my breathing continued normally, had I had no difficulty since then. Still fighting in my mind against the pain I knew was lurking I continued taking the meds  howbeit in smaller doses. But several hours later I began throwing up. So violent and in quick succession were these bouts of vomiting- that I even bruised a rib, I think. I stopped the pain meds and the vomitting stopped. As I came out of the haze and exhaustion of those hours I realized the nerve block was back to normal and doing its job! I have no idea where the pain came from and why this whole experience happened.

And while I have no  concrete answers,  I am at least at peace knowing again I am being watched over and,  that help from family on the other side of the veil is both real and appreciated, especially when on some level I can't even ask for it in conventional ways!

So today is another new day and one day closer to pain-free normalcy. Faith in every footstep!
How grateful I am for my loving husband and wonderful children, on both sides of the veil!
And Happy Birthday to my darling Danielle today. And bonus- I now know what your older sister sounds a lot like you!

Saul or Paul..that is the question

Recently I was reading Acts 9:15 where Saul, who had been violently persecuting the fledgling church- and it's new members- shortly after the Savior had been killed, and then resurrected. His actions were causing no small stir among those who loved the Lord. There are so many levels of miracles and lessons embedded in Luke's account.
Why did Jesus Himself come, when other Divine interventions came by way of an Angel of the Lord? Why did only Saul actually see The Christ while others with him heard only the voice? Saul knew the Savior, immediately, and asked, "What wilt thou have me to do?" This interaction, to me, shows immediate obedience, however he was still blinded for three days. He also fasted for three days following this incredible experience.

Leaving Saul's account we are drawn into the next layer of the Lords plan. Ananias. The Lord calls to him, and he immediately answers, "Behold, I am here Lord." The Lord then  opens and enables his sight for a very unique perspective on Saul. A little stunned Ananias hears the Lord, Saul has been blinded and is praying for you , that he has seen [you] in a vision." I doubt anyone could fault Ananias for saying something like..."Um You know how evil this guy is right? You know he has viciously persecuted the saints in a very public way, often unto death..." And then in the heart of this account, the Lord said, "Go thy way:for he is a chosen vessel unto me, to bear my name before the Gentiles and Kings and the children of Israel." What great faith Ananias has here, this is no easy task Christ is asking of him. 
Christ continues, "For I will show him how great things he must suffer for my name's sake."

Without delay of any kind Ananias goes to Saul and testifies, as a second witness, recounting Saul's experience on the road to Damascus. Then he blesses him with the Priesthood Power of Christ, and Saul's sight is returned and he immediately is baptized and from that moment on never ceases to testify powerfully of Christ, everywhere! However his well-known past of persecuting the Saints, caused many to fear his conversion was only a ploy. So the Lord prepared yet another witness, Barnabas. With that introduction the disciples accepted the changed Saul, and eventually changed his name to Paul, who we know today to be one of the greatest missionaries ever to walk the earth.

I have read this account, and more, many times- but this time was different. This time I saw how I could apply this great experience as pertaining to me, and to Bryce. I have always known Bryce "...is a chosen vessel unto me, to bear my name before the Gentiles, and kings and the children of Israel. For I will shew him how great things he must suffer for my name's sake." Multiple milestones in Bryce's mortality have taught me this true principal. Suddenly it was as if the scales were falling from my own mortal eyes, and again I got a glimpse of how Christ truly views Bryce, and indeed each of us. 
Chosen vessels. 
To bear His name. 
A covenant to do all that may be required by Christ.
To build up the Kingdom of God in these latter days.

And as I come to more fully understand this responsibility in my own life, I also must therefore accept the same pattern in the lives of those I love around me.
This has been a powerful example of the blessing to see others through Our Saviors loving, accepting eyes.
Bryce, too, even amidst his darkest struggles, still remains a chosen vessel in Our Saviors eyes. Bryce, too, will have to suffer for Christ's plan for him to be fulfilled. We all do.

But oh the promised blessings for valiantly staying steadfastly on the covenant path! Paul's faithful, diligent example should strengthen and lift each of us. While we may have or desire to have a very different ending to our own mortality than Paul's, whatever it may be, how soon or late it may arrive, I know it is all part of our Savior's plan for just us, only us, and His Plan is always perfect, and his will is always being fulfilled. And when we align ourselves daily with His Perfect Plan for us, well that's when we truly comprehend the innate and vast difference between happiness and true JOY!

As I go in for my second shoulder surgery in a few hours, my fears of a repeat of the hellish history of my last one, have diminished as my faith comes to the foreground in my soul. I am choosing to be reminded that I too am a chosen vessel of the Lord. He does have a Perfect Plan for me here in mortality. I remember once Clark was asked to describe me to a group of strangers, and he simply said, "She is a choice daughter of God." I doubt I could ever receive a compliment I treasure more than this. This whole Saul/Paul experience serves to remind me how critical it is for us to see ourselves as Christ sees us, and to see others as Christ sees them. I believe these spiritual gifts can be ours if we ask and live worthy of them.

Today I will choose to see the Paul's in each Saul I may meet, that I may be an instrument in the Lord's hand to bring to pass each perfect plan He has made for us all.

I am enough!

There are times when I wonder how my heart can possibly survive the roller-coaster of emotions that seem to be such a part of this chapter of my life. However I am slowly discovering that a mother's heart can be a place of power. 

This week was Stake Girls camp. I chose to go and in doing so laid my heart at the Savior's feet. I trusted Him to take care of my family while I was gone. I had faith that the Angels would protect us all up at Aspen Lakes. I had patience when things happened that were "not my job" to fix. I felt my love grow for these amazing young women. I felt such gratitude for the leaders who not only planned every detail imaginable, but were there equally present to make it happen, and to empower the girls to grow their relationship with Jesus Christ, and each other. I watched as girls did really hard things, and overcome personal fear! I watched somewhat unlikely connections form, leaders who made themselves available when girls needed to talk, or walk, or be comforted. I watched strong, faithful women grow in their own self-understanding, recognizing the power of uniting with other leaders to forge ahead in faith. 

We had the privelage of also having Sister Shauna Ogden, who is a member of the General Young Women Board, speak to us all. The morning she came, we prayed the Spirit would touch each of the girls in the way they needed, and recognized, during this experience.
It was marvelous, and a delight to look into the young women's faces and see their expressions too. Sister Ogden had us crying, laughing and clapping out the cup song! 
The impact may never be entirely known to me, but the prayers were definitely answered.

President Jones also told us that as he and his wonderful counselors arrived, and paused in the upper parking lot, his eyes were unveiled and he saw Angels surrounding the entire property, and he was given to know.."that the plans the Young Women leaders have made for the Spirit to be here and for the young women's testimonies to grow, will come to pass."

What a sweet start to our final day together! 

And now I have to share the 'tissues miracle' for you see as I was packing I grabbed a travel pack of tissues (I can never be too far from a tissue source for my own leaky eyes) but as I did so the Lord prompted me "Take two." I was like- nah I'll be fine! 
Again, "Take two." 
I started into another room to continue my packing..."Sharon.." 
OK OK I'll take two. And then Wednesday I thought I knew why....

One of our sweet and dedicated leaders Jessie suffered a very serious and quick onset of heat exhaustion. I led her into our room and got her settled on a cot and summoned our awesome nurse Ashley. Suddenly Jessie said, "I need a tissue..." I quickly crossed the room and grabbed the first package of tissues and delivered them to her grateful hand, and as I did so I said quietly, "Jessie the Lord had me bring these for you. He loves you and knew you would need them today." I think I cried more tears than Jessie as I watched this miracle unfold before my now-humbled eyes. 

I marveled at the opportunity I had to serve. You see I have learned that as a Stake Leader my first responsibility is to serve, sustain and strengthen our ward leaders. Second we were to bless the lives of the young women we all loved. And so the miracles continued to unfold as the Lords plan was fulfilled, time and time again, with His timing and exactness.

And then the morning of Sister Ogden's visit came and again following the prompting I removed all the tissues from my car and shoved them into my backpack. Just before she was ready to speak she lamented that she had forgotten her tissues, again in a heartbeat my tissues came out and we laughed together. At one point in her talk, she got very emotional, and reached for those tissues! God knew exactly what she would need, and answered her need before she was even aware of it. 
It was awesome! Another tissue miracle!

On our final day at camp, everyone had dispersed to their ward campsite's for their last testimony meetings around their fires. For reasons I could not explain, I stayed behind in the pavilion, with just a couple of other leaders. Suddenly the wind began to whip the trees into a frenzy, black gathering clouds began to be visible very close to us, several flashes of lightening had us praying the girls would be protected. I knew every campsite had Priesthood with Bishoprics present so I prayed again, that those Angels President Jones had seen that morning, would do whatever was necessary to change the course of that violent storm heading straight for us. We discussed bringing in the flag, (good wife of my favorite scouter- Lover- that I am), and my suggestion was that we let the Angels do their job and we'd all be fine, flag and all. However it was not my decision to make and the flag was brought in. I looked up at those fierce black clouds looming so close to us, I saw raindrops splatter the dusty trails nearly the size of a dime! The wind whipped the flag as we wrestled it inside, and closed all the doors and waited. Just as surely as I had felt those first raindrops, I knew those Angels were now redirecting that storm. I watched with pure faith-filled delight as those clouds held their fat raindrops, and lightening, and marched right around the edge of the property. It was a personal miracle in my eyes! Later as we quickly restored the flag to it's pole, so no one would be the wiser, I looked down into Heber City and it was barely visible through the sheeting rain and violent wind-driven clouds!

And on that amazing miracle my camp experience ended. Memories I shall treasure forever. Moments of miracles always in my mind. Love for those leaders and girls deeper and richer than I would have dreamed possible.

Then from that precious pinnacle of promises fulfilled, today the earth seemed to open up beneath me as Bryce took a nose dive!! He asked me to take him to the Vape Store and as he got back in the car I heard the sound of pills in a bottle, not juice for his Vape.
"What did you buy?"
He rattled off an strange-sounding name...I held my breath..Kratom! NO! 
The last bottle brought him to his suicide attempt 15 months ago.
I asked him what I was supposed to do...
He said, "Forget about this?" No chance of that. 
"I said if I drive away from here and you use in my house, what am I supposed to do? If you use you'll be sleeping in your car, permanently."
My brain and heart were screaming for some divine guidance, but only gentle silence filled my heart..
I stopped the car and said, "Get out." he complied and I drove away, crashing into despair.
Shortly after that I pulled over and called Clark. 
Had I really just facilitated my son's suicide, without realizing it? 
What did the Lord want me to do? 
Would those words be the last, in mortality between us? 
Randomly I thought, well I know he has his license on him, so someone will let us know when they find his body. I assumed the worst, that with no home he would take the whole bottle and be dead by tonight.

About an hour later I got a text...
"Yes I did use, but I got rid of the rest of it. I am sorry but whatever you decide I know it's part of His plan. This was a rock bottom moment, I am ready to do therapy and get serious about work, I can't keep wishing to die..."

And so the roller-coaster continues. I arrived home and we will all talk when Clark gets here. I hoped by blogging I could get some mental clarity, and as I often do, feel Divine guidance for these next steps.

Fighting the feeling of failure Satan wants me to feel, I got a message from my sweet friend Audra, several weeks ago she had asked if I could be interviewed on her blog.(Audraelkington.com) I agreed and submitted answers to her questions. She told me it would post soon. Today it went up and as I read her comments and what I had written the tears fell furiously! What a tender mercy to help me remember how far we have come as a family with this child.

I know the journey won't end today. And as I continue to write the book, I know the Lord will get all these words to whoever He knows need them. I hope whoever reads any of these communications will truly believe that "I am enough" should be a daily mantra for each of us.
For indeed He knows each of us. He knows the words we cannot even say. He knows the thorny trail of tears we sometimes silently walk. He knows we are each precious in His sight, and I know that He would indeed move mountains, or violent thunderstorms, to protect us. And when those storms threaten to drown us He will let us know He is close and will help if we will but reach out to Him.

I am enough! 

M, L & M part 2

The urgency to continue to write the book I am working on, has pulled at me noticeably for the last few days. I have responded, but as my hands are still healing, it has been a challenge.Then added to the fact Cassidy arrived in town late Saturday to collect Emma & the kids for their final departure to Texas...oh how it pains my heart to even say it, let alone live through it these next few days, I hadn't been too successful at making time to write. 

However this morning I arose with a heightened sense of urgency to write. I opened my office window and the beautiful summer morning flooded into my room. The trees still, the sun shining in patterns through their leaves to my desk, the birds chattering in every tree, the cool morning air, with it's promise of summer heat to come later. Quiet. Peaceful. Hopeful. I smiled as I watched the hummingbirds feed in short, wings-fluttering-sips from the feeders.Then it was all temporarily shattered as I heard the all-too-familiar sounds of Bryce gaming downstairs, as he wound up his all-night session.

Suddenly the sting of his no-show yesterday to our family dinner (the last one we'd all be together until November.) rose to the forefront of my mind, and the other frustrations of seeing him alive but not living, too numerous to mention flashed with equal force through my consciousness. I whined to Clark, but knew I couldn't go against the Lord's directive. I sighed and picked up where I had left off. 

July 9 2018 blog titled M, L & M. As I read what I had written almost exactly one year ago...the Spirit gently made Itself known. I kept on reading. Suddenly I was swept back in time to that day. And the Holy Ghost said, "Just ask." And like a giant puzzle before me the final piece appeared. 
"Father what would Thou have me to do?" Instantly the impression came, 
"Limit his internet, and go back to a simpler form of the 24 hour plan." 
Afraid to make a wrong step in this moment I asked, 
"Lord just to be clear this is Thy will?" 
The second witness flooded through me as chills swept over me, and my heart KNEW.
I could hardly contain the urgency to share this with Clark. But forced myself to breathe, feel and enjoy the confirmation that what we were about to enforce was indeed Gods will...come what may. Other than the tears falling freely, the sun still shone, the birds were still singing, and the trees were peaceful, stirring occasionally on the gentle breeze. 

My heart felt peace. Hope. Faith, and blessed silence. And then I began to marvel at the magnitude of what had just happened. A year ago the Lord had answered my prayer that day but also laid the foundation to answer today's pleas. He answered my prayer before I even uttered it today! I stopped writing to record in my journal the miracle of God's hand in my life today. In doing so I recalled another time with similar circumstances. We had finally agreed to move back to Utah when Word Perfect came calling. Saddled with student loans upon graduation we had been praying for 7 years for help to meet our needs. Then the call came and we returned, and our first year-end bonus, paid off our loans completely! God had already laid the foundation for those prayers to be answered, years before we began asking. I will never forget the stunned silence when Clark told me. 

I choose to see and acknowledge every act of goodness from God. Every Tender Mercy. He is closer than we realize. He certainly is in the very details of my every day life. And He alone knows the secret desires buried deep within this Mother's heart. Oh how I love Him!

And now back to the joy of writing, praying always that His will be done. And shoring up my heart against the loss it shall surely feel when the final moments come for the kids to leave, back to Texas. My keyboard is swimming, blurry with my tears. But oh what a gift this 16 months has been. Also interesting to me that these 16 months were when Cassidy's family's love, strength and support was available before we even knew how desperately we would need them. Another answer to unspoken prayers! 

So as the unique hum of the hummingbirds wings penetrate my summer morning, I give thanks for Tender Mercies, and answers to silent prayers. God is good!

His Hands

As I contemplated all the ramifications of having another series of hand surgeries, numbers 5 & 6, I was admittedly concerned about many things. Foremost in those concerns was how the surgery would be performed this time, if I so chose. This could be the first one he can do in his office, without the invasive anesthesia, on one condition, if I could handle the needle to numb my hand. I thought long and hard about this decision. I knew hands have an incredible number of nerves in them. I actually visualized the nasty numbing needle dentists use. I shuddered at that memory. So I started to verbalize my concerns to the Lord.
His immediate response was to have me recall His hands....and then in His characteristic gentle humor he said, "Really, will it be worse than My hands?" In my minds eye I visualized Christ's scarred hands that do and will testify to His Divine Role. Savior of the world.

My mind instantly flashed to Joseph's prayer in Liberty jail as he was delineating his concerns for himself and the saints he was Prophet to, and Christ answered him, "The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than He?" D&C 122:8-9 
I smiled...all would be well, and He knew already how I would feel! I re-read the scriptural account if this Liberty Jail account. And I noticed in Christ's answer he first empathized with Joseph, he knew how Joseph was feeling, and then His gentle reminder that He of all people was not only the greatest (of all time...G.O.A.T.) but that He gently reminded Joseph this would not be as hard at what Christ had survived himself in mortality. And He went on to say God will be with you!

I took Him at His word and moved forward in my decision. In the moment I mentally called upon my Savior, fully awake, and when the surgeon stepped away I was flooded with gratitude at the power of Christ's atonement evidenced in that moment. Again I was stunned at the personal relationship I reverence and share with my elder brother Jesus Christ. I cannot profess to understand how He does what He alone does, but right now His Power was my comfort, solace and strength.

The surgery went well and the healing was surprising to all! Enough so that I scheduled the second hand to be done the following week. With only minor setbacks I am healing.

So today as I was studying the first accounts of interactions with the newly Resurrected Christ I marveled at some new understanding the Holy Ghost shared with me. When the two Disciples were walking on the road to Emmaus, and Christ joined them, their eyes were holden (restricted) so they didn't know the identity of the Savior in that moment. However after a lengthy discussion of the scriptures, Christ accepted their invitation to eat dinner with them. Then it was during the dinner that Christ took the bread of the meal, brake and blessed it. Instantly their eyes were opened and they recognized whose hands were breaking bread before them. The risen Lord Jesus Christ! The marks on His hands testified of Him, through the power of the great Testifier, The Holy Ghost. As they reflected on their conversation earlier on the road, they recognized again the feelings they had as Christ taught them. The Holy Ghost was just starting to be recognized as they had no need of His divine gift, when they had the Savior among them in the flesh.

Then in an attempt to liken the scriptures unto me. I thought of the priests hands breaking bread and blessing it for me every week. I could visualize this meal with His disciples, and I could visualize Christ breaking bread for my renewal of my covenants weekly. I know if He were to be in our Sacrament meeting, I believe he would want to personally minister to each of us, by braking, blessing and offering those sacred emblems to each person there.

And so today my hands are slowly healing, I am trying to do as He directs, but I always fall short- so it is with eager anticipation that I now begin my preparation to reverently, purposefully and ever so gratefully partake of that sweet ordinance on Sunday. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FySuVkiit0

A birthday for Bryce.

Twenty seven years ago! Oh what a night! I witnessed multiple miracles, as the moment had finally come. Bryce had finally arrived, blue as a blueberry, with his cord wrapped around his neck multiple times. With no newborn cry, the respiratory therapists began hitting his chest with a special mallet trying to have him breathe. Within a minute he was bundled up, thrust towards my face with the quiet command "Kiss your baby" which I did and then was startled when they ran from the room, and their racing footsteps could be heard all the way to the nursery!! 
I looked at Clark and said "you'd better go with him." He quickly left the room. I closed my eyes and prayed, but felt only peace. What I know now- was that on some level I knew he was in the Lord's gentle hands. While they cleaned me up, I lay quietly and reflected on all that had just happened. I marveled at the knowledge that the little hand I had felt on my belly towards the end with each contraction, was Bryce's twin Bronson. The twin I had miscarried within the first week of my pregnancy! I had seen him and silently communicated with him! I knew him immediately! What a marvelous miracle! Clark arrived back after a short stay with Bryce to report, "He has pinked up nicely, and is beautiful. I'll see you tomorrow." And with that he was gone. I breathed a sigh of relief, believing all was well.

The nurse finally asked if I would like to see my baby before going to my room, from my wheelchair, I nodded, already feeling the effects of the sleeping pill. Suddenly I was shocked into complete awareness, and felt nearly strangled with fear, as she wheeled me into the Newborn Intensive Care Unit!! 
The veritable sea of medical personnel parted and to my horror, I saw my son lying on his back in an open crib hooked to countless tubes, leads and machines, with his eyes closed, motionless! Something was very, very wrong, but no one had any answers yet, and I was wheeled silently to my room. 

Several hours later Bryce's new pediatrician, kindly entered my room and introduced himself. He gently told me our boy was very sick, but in excellent hands, and they were running some tests, but hopefully I would be nursing him within a few more hours. I was still in shock, but had the presence of mind to call Clark and tell him to come and give our beautiful boy a blessing, because he may not make it. Clark's Dad met us in the NICU, Bryce was still not conscious as they reverently stepped up to Bryce's bedside. Clark went to lay his hands on Bryce's head..and suddenly faltered, and withdrew his hands...softly he said "I don't know if I can do this..." As I met his eyes I saw his love for our son and yet agony was etched on his face. Little did I know our whole world was about to change. Clark again stepped up, and with trust and determination, he began the first of many blessings for this child. Then my heart crashed to the depths of terror as I heard Clark say, "Heavenly Father Bryce's is your son, if Thou needs to take him home, we will accept Thy Will. But Father if he is permitted to stay I will teach him all he needs to know to return to Thee someday." Silent tears slid down my cheeks, my mind screamed silently...."Please no! He just got here! But...Thy will be done." I fell weeping into Clark's arms and we cried together. 

Two days later I was checking out of the hospital, with a photograph of my beautiful boy, Bryce, twin of Bronson. One of the nurses had kindly snapped a rare shot of Bryce as they were changing the tube into his mouth, and oxygen tubing into his nose. He had not one, but two deep, beautiful dimples, and the most magnetic blue eyes. Lots of dark hair and long dark eyelashes!  But instead of taking that long-awaited bundle of joy home, he was being wheeled into surgery to correct a duodenal stenosis-high grade. A blockage of his intestines. 

To say this whole experience was unexpected would be a gross understatement. I won't go into any more detail here...it will be in the book! Yes I am writing a book. Please pray for me as I battle many fears, and Satan, in this project.

So today I look back and marvel at the evidence of the Lord's hand throughout this child's earthly life. I have been awed and humbled as pieces of the Grand Picture have been given to me over the years. Bryce is a truly remarkable soul, and I love him so much. The Mother-Bear in me has always been very close to the surface during his life, as we have walked through the valley of the shadow of death many times.

However, today, today we celebrate him. His goodness, his spirit, his beautiful eyes and dimples even! His kindness, the depth of his soul, and his undeniable connection to his twin brother Bronson. While Bronson had a very different arrival date to his mortality than Bryce, he has none-the-less been very much a part of our family's story. He has been permitted to be with me many times,and he is a very real part of Bryce's sojourn here.

I can hardly comprehend the journey we have shared with Bryce, and it is not over yet! But I love him with my whole soul. Relationships are undeniably altered when that walk into the shadow of death, as we know it, is undertaken...not one, not twice, but every time it happens. And I know it will happen again.

But today we celebrate! We are thankful for the multitude of miracles, awed by the opportunities for spiritual growth, humbled by the glorious love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for this valiant son. Today we hope Bryce knows how we treasure him, love him and are inspired by his struggles with, and victories over, his personal challenges. He is amazing! We are so proud of his efforts! I personally appreciate his spiritual insights and his quick laugh, spontaneous hugs, sticky-notes of love all over the place, his ability to let the past be the past, though it is a daily determination still.

Happy Birthday to you my darling Bryce! Thank you for being here with us today!

Angels among us...again.

I am more sensitive to hearing the Lord's requests, over and over in the scriptures, of the need for us to turn to Him. In all we do, seek Him. I wonder if I hadn't taken to heart this request, was it necessary to almost lose my son, in order for me to hear His plea, or follow it? Now I am sure many would emphatically disagree that the Lord would ever allow this on purpose...I am just pondering the possibility.

Today we sat with friends in church. And just as the meeting started Lynn was whispered into service for his calling, necessitating he leave his inside seat, climb over several of us to get out. Then as the Sacrament prayer began I heard someone sit down behind me, and felt their presence there. I had a fleeting thought, it must be Lynn and he didn't want to disturb us again. I glanced over my shoulder and was stunned to see the bench empty! 
Immediately I knew Bronson was there. I felt my heart race and my breath was gone. Only then did it occur to me to wonder why? Why was he here? I closed my eyes, to avoid any distractions, and felt my way into the experience of having my son close by.

As we were leaving for church today Bryce had come upstairs, and I invited him to come to church. He shook his head but said "I love you."  and then gave me one of his just-woken-up warm hugs. I trusted in the Lord, and gave Him my heartache in that moment and walked out. This experience ran through my mind, as I contemplated Bronson's visit today. I recalled a similar experience the day my brother Craig had died. I felt him sit down between Cassidy and I as the Sacrament Service began. Surprised, we had only been notified of his death a few hours earlier, I asked him "What are you doing here?" He answered, "I wanted to go to church today with family and you were the only one who went." After the Sacrament had been completed, Craig was gone. I found out later I had been the only one in Church that day. (Mum was nearly undone in her grief and couldn't face anyone that day.)

Then gently my answer came from Bronson, "I wanted you to know that I wanted to be in church with you today. You are loved and honored as a Mother in Zion." Tears filled my eyes and I thanked him & the Lord for such a tender blessing. I was reminded that although the veil may separate me from some of my children right now, the day would surely come when all of them would worship with me again. Silently Bronson slipped away, and I marveled at such a sacred, sweet  experience. I idly wondered how many other 'angels' were among us during that sacred part of our Sunday worship, on any given day.

Then our Sunday School lesson included the interaction between Christ and the rich young ruler. Clark and I had been studying it this week, and he recalled learning awhile ago that most often people pass over a very critical part of the story, when Christ looked upon this young man, "and loved him". It was a powerful reminder that regardless of our choices Christ loves us all. He will meet us wherever we are- and make us complete, if we let Him.
In this story Christ reviews several of The Ten Commandments, and the young man responded that he had been keeping those commandments his whole life, which was true, however when Christ issued His request to sell all he had and give to the poor, then take up His cross and follow Him, the young man couldn't do it. The general narrative of this is the young man loved his riches too much. I think it goes deeper than that.

I puzzled over this for days, finally I looked up the 10 commandments and knowing some were commandments about loving the Lord and the rest were about loving others, I reviewed the Savior's verbal list. Sure enough the rich young ruler had indeed kept all that applied to loving others, however he had missed the four about loving the Lord. His focus hadn't, and wouldn't be, on the Savior! I have to believe that the description given this young man was accurate: rich young ruler, he had focused his good life on everything to become rich at a young age, but not on the Savior! 

What tender mercies this day have been pored out on me. 
As I have focused on my Savior, He has indeed blessed me again, as He has promised.