Tears, but joy in the morning.

I was so looking forward to the possibility of sleeping in this morning. With no work scheduled I was in desperate need of sleep and a slow, lazy start to my day. Apparently the Lord had other plans for me. 

I began to read in 3 Nephi 28:6 where the Savior is discussing with the Twelve their desires, after His eminent departure. It reads as follows, "And he said unto them: Behold, I know your thoughts, and ye have desired the thing which John, my beloved, who was with me in my ministry, before that I was lifted up by the Jews, desired of me." Even though I know exactly what is coming, something gave me pause today. I went back and read it again. And then the Spirit gently washed over me and said, "Just like Laurel." 

Ten days ago one of God's sweetest angels, Laurel Blomquist, had what now appears as her final, massive, stroke. She is currently clinging to the last moments with her beloved Keith and their incredible family. By all accounts she should have already slipped through the veil. However they are lovingly keeping vigilant watch as they are " shedding tears...laughing...singing Broadway music and hymns that she loves." until the Lord says, "It is finished thou good & faithful servant."

Their complete transparency about this painfully private experience has allowed so many of us to share this sacred, tender time from a far. We have joined our love, prayers, fasting and hope with her family. Laurel came blazing into my world when she answered my plea for help at work. She was always one of my favorite life-lines as I navigated difficult waters during my job. Her distinct voice, tone and laughter always made me feel as though I had just phoned a friend. She was so kind, reassuring, and helpful. As we all work from home, it is rare that we ever actually meet in person. But some, like Laurel, have impacted me so deeply I truly consider them the dearest of friends. She used to live near me in Lindon so I have popped in and been readily embraced into her world, regardless of who is there or what is going on. I have watched as her sweet, kind, Keith and her daughters have lovingly cared for her since this journey began. Often the blows to Laurel's health would have laid the rest of us out flat, however her unconquerable spirit, her laughter, and her twinkly eyes have been an amazing inspiration on handling adversity.

So it is with great tenderness, gratitude for having known her, and amidst many tears, that the reality of this 'Terrible horrible no good very bad day' as Lindsay so aptly described it yesterday, is weighing upon my heart. 

So as I read this morning I realized I don't remember ever hearing or reading Christ's own description of His death like this before. He states that He was "...lifted up..." I certainly wouldn't describe His brutal, agonizing death as being lifted up. And before today I always thought it referred to the physical lifting up on that awful cross. But His recently resurrected state certainly entitled Him to a vastly different perspective than mine. And while it is not usual for us to be able to see beyond the veil, I have had several experiences where I have had the privelage to see the scene as some step through the veil we call death. I am no longer surprised at the pure joy radiating from those eagerly awaiting their loved ones, as they warmly embrace them with tears of joy. I am not even capable, even if I was allowed, to describe these scenes. Nevertheless I know it is a reunion unlike any other!

I find the only comparison I have experienced is both leaving home to go on my mission, and then leaving my mission to return home. In each the exquisite pain and joy feels almost impossible to bear. The simultaneous emotions seemed to war within my heart. I wanted to both go and stay in the same heartbeat.

So now knowing how Christ viewed His death as being 'lifted up' helps me to try and view this pain through His eyes. We love, and we have to let go. We weep but are promised joy in the morning. We remember because we love so deeply. 

May His peace, as only He can give, come to each of Laurel's family and friends. I know her legacy of love will continue on through the lives of her children and husband. May we each honor her great goodness and life, by choosing righteousness, kindness, gentleness, unselfishness and love unfeigned. May we each know we are better for having known Laurel. May we each love and lift those around us and those who pass too quickly from our view. And may we each learn from, and follow, our Saviors examples in life and in death. 

Till we meet again, Laurel, God be with us all. Farewell my friend.

 

Oh the bittersweet of it all.

Bittersweet. It's an interesting word. I have seen it play out before me many times, leaving for my mission to London is one. Returning from my mission, another. Some examples have a great distance between the two intrinsically linked experiences. However yesterday they were separated by only a breath and a heartbeat as my Bishop was released, and my new Bishop was sustained. The words suddenly collided forcefully in my reality.

Six years ago, at our first ward party after moving into this home, Steve & Heather Stewart (whom we'd never met, although we did realize much later that our daughters Kylee & Whitney, and Amanda Ricks knew each other from school) made us feel so welcome as they chatted with us, introduced us to many of the ward members and honestly sealed-the-deal for capturing our hearts. I have never forgotten that initial meeting of hearts. And a year later even though Steve had a deer-in-headlights look about him that Sunday, he humbly accepted the call to be our Bishop. And since that moment til yesterday morning, he has never laid down the torch. He has served with such love and devotion to our Savior, Jesus Christ, and by extension he has ministered to a very large and diverse ward as a true disciple of Christ. Kindness, gentleness, love, strength, and yes even joy, lots of Joy! He has led by righteous example, and showing us he was very mortal and continued to learn and grow. He was willing to do whatever was asked of him. He set aside his own desires to serve others whenever and wherever he was needed. And then when it was also asked of him, we watched as that mantle of God-given authority gently lifted from his shoulders and was placed on another disciple of Christ.

The spirit had confirmed my belief, just moments before as we drove into the parking lot, when I saw Brook & Val Blackhurst step out of their car. This was the newly called Bishop and his sweet wife. My church callings over the last five years had brought these two into my life in close and tender ways. When Bishop Blackhurst took the stand to share his feelings it was a visible witness to me that the mantle had just come to gently rest on his shoulders. Remarkable. And it was in this moment, between hearing former Bishop Stewart's testimony, followed by newly-sustained Bishop Blackhurst, that the bittersweet moment registered in my brain.

It was bitter, in one way, to be losing the loving leadership of my trusted friend Steve, but sweet in almost the next heartbeat, to have this incredible man Brook to be stepping into this sacred calling. Time after time I had watched Brook speak to, and associate with, our Stake youth, he was the High Council representative for us in the Stake Young Women Presidency. I recalled with ease one particular occasion. Something hadn't gone to plan during a Stake Standards night and we were left with some extra time. I was sitting with Jodi on the stand when we realized the situation. Brook was also on the stand with us, and prompted by the Spirit I said to Jodi- ask Brook to bear his testimony. She said no I couldn't do that. I repeated, ask Brooke. So she did, and we sat in awe listening to him teach and testify to the kids, he totally nailed it! Saying exactly what we had hoped the kids would be hearing that night. I quickly learned this was going to happen every time he was with the youth. His love for the youth was/is legendary.

And then I realized with the new focus of Bishop's callings- with the youth taking center stage,  Bishop Blackhurst, was exactly where the Lord wanted him. And I knew already that he would do exactly what the Lord wanted him to. And I knew my dear friend Val would be the perfect Bishop's wife (just as I had seen sweet Heather be for Steve) Val is all heart and lots of fun, and one of my favorite people, and she would continue to be the amazing Matriarch in her family. And now I know why she was on my mind so much this last two weeks.

Then we were thrilled to sustain some of our other favorite people, Matt Beck & Jake Hoyt as counselors to Bishop Brook Blackhurst. (B³ and his posse!) It will be a dynamic and powerful youthful and youth-focused Bishopric!  

And so after a veritable spiritual feast yesterday the bittersweet of the heart is fading into joy both past, present and future. God is good! And my prayers will again be to sustain God's chosen Bishop today. And added blessing...we still get to have Steve as part of our lives.

Pandemic Miracles..if only...

In the pre-dawn stillness, the pull to write was strong. Words poured into my heart as sleep fled in the face of such light. The ever-present personal hesitancy of not knowing what would evolve in this experience, was replaced by the desire to be obedient in the use of His gift of language to bless others, and myself. In the darkness I heard Him and quietly made my way downstairs and began to write.

I had awoken from a vivid dream about my friend Lynne Bentley. She is currently serving with her sweetheart as companion in the Presidency of the Chile Santiago North Mission. She has been on my mind a lot recently as I have watched them dig deep into their faith and lead their precious missionaries through circumstances no one could have imagined two years ago. You see their call was changed from California to Chile, just prior to their departure. No one was more surprised than this powerhouse couple. Yet in obedience, faith, and strength in the Lord, and standing shoulder to shoulder with her best friend, she has taken on every challenge before her. Two months and 5 days ago I followed the Lord's direction, and feeling a great urgency, I put together a package of home baked goodies and an unusual print I stumbled across of the Savior's hand holding the gloved hand of a physician. I knew immediately it was for President Bentley, formerly Doctor Bentley, who was now ministering to the spiritual bodies of those he was called to serve in Chile. Within  days of shipping my little package, I was surprised I hadn't heard from Lynne. We began to message and I told her what I had done. She hadn't received the packaged and assured me that my offering and subsequent messaging came at the perfect moment. She knew her prayers had been answered, she knew her Heavenly Father, and His Son, were aware of her and her needs in that moment. I was stunned, as I often am when I think something was my idea, only to take a step back and see the Lord's Perfect Plan working. 

I was however more focused on why the delivery was hung up in customs, especially since a previous package just about six weeks earlier arrived to her within two days of my shipping it. And so for two months now I have been fighting with FedEx to get the package delivered, to no avail. It is exactly where it has been, undelivered, for these last two months. As I came out of the dream this morning, I wondered at it's meaning. I recalled in my dream, that I was with Lynne, in Chile, and I was delighted to be helping her prepare for the visiting authority, who was coming to minister to her and President Bentley and their precious missionaries. We were busy making sure everything was ready, and my heart was so happy to be assisting her. 

Then this morning as I was walking through the dark to my computer, suddenly my mind was filled with His light and the meaning was clear. His miracle had been delivered two months ago! It wasn't in the now-moldy sweet bread inside the package. It wasn't the painting that I knew wasn't for President Bentley. (I remembered explaining in the accompanying note that I wasn't sure who it was for, but that President & Sis Bentley would know.) In the very moment Lynne first knew about the package, she had her miracle. She didn't need the package, just the moment she knew her prayers had been answered. That was His miracle for her. He had heard her pleas, He had provided a miracle for her to know He had heard her.

Yet in these last two months I have been on so many phone calls, pursuing the delivery, completely missing the miracle that was right in front of me. Lynne had told me that first conversation, that just knowing the Lord was aware of her was all she needed in that sacred moment. And so this morning I am repenting of trying to make the miracle happen, when it had already been made manifest to the one who needed it, and the one who recognized the true miracle in the very moment the Lord delivered that miracle to Lynne.

So just ignore me over here thinking I know what the true intent of that experience was. I know the Lord has a good sense of humor when it comes to me. Stay calm and carry on. He's got this! And when I get out of His way, He kindly shows me His Perfect Plan. And I get better at repenting!

I have learned that years ago as my memories of my sexual abuse came to light, there were many who ridiculed me because they didn't believe my truth. As I healed I took comfort in knowing Heavenly Father & my Elder Brother Jesus Christ, knew the truth. I also came to know truth is not dependent on someone's belief of it, truth always stands alone. And I realize now, amidst the chaos of the world, again truth stands unmarred, alone, and eternal. We may not have the full understanding of what is true about this pandemic now, but in that day when all truth is revealed to all people, we will see His Perfect Plan unfold. I realized recently, this simple act of faith, has for me, brought early, undeniable peace. I didn't fully understand why I was given such a gift of peace when literally the world was falling apart around me. But throughout these last five months, even when I was criticized and ridiculed for recognizing truth, I knew peace. I still know peace, and I am grateful for that gift.

My list of Pandemic blessings is growing. I love to see the Lord's hand in my life. I love to #HearHim. Hearing Him in the chaos of our new 'abnormal' because I am determined to grow my list has been such a joy. The latest one came in the life-altering broken leg of my grandson Paul, in his first football game of his high school experience. All the things that happened to line up perfectly for him to receive the very best care possible. Not the least of which is the Pandemic blessing of both parents working from home who can adjust their schedules to care for him as he is immobile for this first week. The many prayers that were answered before our eyes, as this horrific drama unfolded. And then yesterday, because of the Pandemic, I am not working (because of the dismantling of my industry during this chaotic time) and was able to take Kylee to her Doctor appointment. Suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, I was able to feel her little Princess move for the first time! Oh what joy! I couldn't contain my excitement and may or may not have screamed out loud! I am still in awe of her existence. I never expected to have another grand daughter! 

And so it goes, miracles everywhere, if only I open my eyes and remember how much He loves me! If only I remember to look for His Hand in my daily life. If only I continue to acknowledge, and give thanks for His miracles, I will continue to #HearHim. He lives!  He loves!  He blesses! He guides! He protects! He answers every prayer, very often through others, and in His timing! God is Good!

The Lost Doll

Last Friday we headed out for an overnight stay to celebrate our 38 years of marriage. We arrived with a couple of hours to kill, so opted for some outlet shopping. We parked near the most likely stores we would visit and began. We had been on this seemingly spontaneous and rather random adventure for about an hour, when we discovered a little Frozen doll on the ground. Clark picked it up and I noticed it still had it's tag on it, so we assumed she had just been purchased. We continued on, passing up one of the stores I thought for sure we would go in to.

Then we realized there was a little girl ahead of us crying, probably about three or four years old. Occasionally she would stop and look at her knee. As the crowd kept moving around her I suddenly realized she was alone!

Still following her closely, I passed one store who was restricting numbers of shoppers I quickly said to the employee standing at the door, "Call Security, she's alone! Please call security quickly!" I realized I couldn't wait for security to arrive-I had to act NOW, I walked faster catching up to her and bending down I said, "Did you hurt yourself?" She said yes and I asked where is your Mom? She began to cry harder and said "I don't know." Clark held out the discarded doll and I asked her if it was hers, she looked confused and then looked at the empty bag she was carrying. And we all knew it was hers. I recognized the store it had come from, and thought to myself...hmmm that was one of the stores we passed that I thought I had wanted to go into...

I said "Come with me I think I know where your Mommy is" I turned around and we headed back- as I took her hand and made small talk with her. Suddenly I looked up and a very frantic woman was rushing towards us. She was obviously terrified, and embarrassed, and her tone was ready to give her daughter a total scolding, so I said to my little charge, "She's not mad at you, she's just very scared."

And that was all it took as this Mom folded her little girl into her arms and the damn of tears broke. She cuddled her daughter as tears streamed down her face. Then she looked at me and said, "Oh my gosh you are my angel today, thank you!" over and over as the tears continued to fall. 

We both were kinda quiet as we walked away and then suddenly it hit us both at the same time, and we both said, "Apparently we were meant to be here for this little family today." While we thought we'd made this random decision, we had picked one store to go into, and suddenly we could see that everything we had done in those preceding hours lined up perfectly for us to be present to step into a terrifying, and potentially dangerous situation, literally becoming instruments in His hands.

We were His hands in those few moments.
He knew where we'd be and when.
He was also watching out for that little girl.
He was also answering fear-filled prayers of her Mother & Grandmother.

We quietly walked the remainder of the stores as we both pondered what had just happened. I could relate, I think losing a child in a public place is every parents worst nightmare. I thought back to the time we were in a Hotel with our Texas Mosses and Kenton ran ahead and jumped into the elevator as it closed. He was alone and we had no idea which floor he would get out on. I knew exactly what I had to do as I sprinted up one side of the building stairs and stuck my head out the stairwell door on every floor, until i reached the top floor...which was ours. He apparently knew which floor we were on and had even gone to our room and was found by a neighbor as Kenton knocking on our door-alone. And decided to stay with him til someone came!
I had been given a warning through a very vivid dream the night before and had been sick about the thought of losing Kenton. And while I couldn't have prevented his actions, I was prepared to think clearly about the plan of what I needed to do. And so I could act immediately.

This experience has continued to press upon my heart. I doubt I'll ever forget it. But again I marvel that we can be instruments in His hands whenever He needs us. I am always amazed when it happens though. It was such a simple thing. A simple kindness. But in comparison it may well have been the most important thing to that Mommy that day. 
And it may have been the most important thing that day for me too. 

We often talk about how we "Hear Him" and hearing Him does come in many different ways, the fact that we continue to try to Hear Him is very significant. Within 24 hours of this experience Clark then heard two divine directives about something completely new to us. He was listening. And He heard Him. What if we hadn't had the little girl experience, would Clark have been as willing to Hear Him? I'd like to think so, but we'll never know. But we do know that as we prepare ourselves to hear Him and then act upon these experiences we are blessed with more. 

#Godisgood
#HearHim
#HappyAnniversarytous
#Iamproudofus
#Thejourneycontinues

4EVRBLU

It has become increasingly harder, to live without the opportunity to go wherever, whenever, as this Pandemic has grounded us all. This image spoke to my soul this morning and sealed the deal for me. I have come to a new level of peace as I have been praying and weighing, my personal options about my job. Through the myriad of emotions these last few days, gradually my decision to stay with JetBlue has come into focus. I am putting great faith and trust in my nine and a half year goal of retirement in May next year. Much as I have loved my job, the airline industry (like many others) has forever been changed by our world circumstances. I opted to take the Summer Off without pay in doing my part to ease the financial bleed forced on JetBlue by the Pandemic. And I was faced with a very difficult decision, as the Opt Out Options were unveiled, as my airline scrambles to reinvent themselves as a much smaller company to survive this financial devastation. It has been a mentally exhaustive experience. Added into the mix, my heart has been badly bruised as I have lost my Darling Declan privileges also. With Clark working in Texas until next month, and Bryce on a temporary suicide watch again, feeling a little overwhelmed likely would be not just an understatement...but a big fat lie! However the Lord has not left me comfortless, His loving support to lift and carry me is beautifully evident yet again. I am so richly blessed! 

 As I have humbly turned over the next few months into the Lord's most capable hands, gently as the dew from Heaven, my peace has come. Sweetly. Softly. Completely. And by degrees my happiness has returned. 

I have found my smile again. I find joy in the smallest things. I am seeing beauty in my home- and beautiful yard particularly, as I have had the time ( and physical ability) to care for it again. I have seen so many miracles as the Lord has blessed me with strength beyond my own, helpers who appear as answers to my prayers, doing the things I physically cannot. As I have responded to the promptings of the Spirit when to stop, I have been blessed. I am not one to stop midway through any project, my compulsive nature wants to rush unwittingly toward the finish line, so this has been a whole new experience for me. I will be working away outside, and gently the Spirit whispers, "It is enough." And I return to the house, rest a little, cross-stitch a little more, and then later return outside to pick up where I left off. It has been remarkable. And now as I am seeing the fruits of my labor the jungle is slowly being tamed. I made the decision to break up this acre lot into more manageable size projects, as I view each "area" or project I see progression. Once I have completed one area, I happily move on to the next, no longer drowning in my to-do list! And while there is still much to be done, without work or Declan I know I have the time, and I can breathe and try out my new level of patience. 

In the stillness of these summer mornings I can reflect on my many blessings, I can look ahead with faith, not fear. I can see the Lord's miraculous hand in my life, and know with surety all will be well. How that 'well' will look I couldn't exactly say, but for today there is peace and joy within my heart. God is good!

Faith-colored Glasses

"When we look at the world and our experiences with faith-colored glasses, we will see proof of God everywhere." 
This speaks to my soul! Years ago Pres Eyring shared that in the time he was Bishop he began a daily written acknowledgement of the Saviors Hand in his life. He said there were many times he would come through the door exhausted at the end of a very long hard day and would be tempted to skip it, or thought "I'll do it tomorrow" but he never once succumbed to those temptations. Every day he would write about how he saw the Hand of God in that day. He said he did it so that some day his descendants could read it and know wherein his faith had it's roots. I know Pres Eyring, I met him through a mutual friend, and took Pres Eyring at his word when he said, "Anytime you need to talk to me, please just come to my office." And I did, when he was President of then Ricks College, later when he was Commissioner of Education in the Church office building. Later we would continue to communicate, one letter arriving when I was in the MTC prior to my mission. I wept tears of joy when he was called as an Apostle. I remember Clark gathering the children around our TV as we sustained him the following day and Clark said "He's Mom's friend!" So when he speaks for me it's my friend speaking, as well as the Lord's anointed Apostle.

And so I began a daily journal of His Tender Mercies. Those of you who have read my blog, know those Tender Mercies are both real and deeply appreciated. And yesterday sweet Bryce made a comment in passing to me (can't even remember what we were talking about) he said, "I love that you look for the Lord's hand all the time." That was it. And I felt grateful that Bryce could see that, and voiced it to me. While Bryce is doing really well he still battles daily with the devil, and I am so proud of him for that.

So when I wanted to read something uplifting today I went to Come Follow Me daily on my FB feed. and when Mary said this, "When we look at the world and our experiences with faith-colored glasses, we will see proof of God everywhere." It filled my heart. And I know it is true. I challenge anyone to try it for one week. And I hope each of us would follow Pres Eyring's example and then record those Tender Mercies. In dark days when our hearts and minds may be wrestling with chaos, uncertainty, and faith challenges, we can return to this Tender Mercies Journal and remember the Lord is real, remember He is loving, remember the Lord is walking this journey with you! And when we lift up our head and put on those faith-colored glasses, the world is an amazing place. And maybe our personal struggles haven't changed, perhaps with our new glasses of faith we can see things a little differently, maybe we can get a reprieve from the burden, maybe we can believe Christ is on the details of our life, not the devil after all.

Faith-colored glasses...I so love this! God is good. We may be in this together...but we are not social distancing from the source of love & truth. Christ doesn't have COVID-19...we don't need to pull away from Him! Happy Sabbath!

#hearhim

After another episode late last night that Clark worked through with me, including a priesthood blessing, I woke early with thoughts tumbling around in my head. I have only had three episodes since starting with the Chiropractor about 7 weeks ago. Throughout this experience we have learned what can be addressed at home, and what needs medical intervention. So I am so grateful for Clark's loving and gentle attention as we worked through total body weakness, uncontrollable seizure-like movements, disrupted language, severe nausea and brain scramble. 
So I got up early to journal a couple of Tender Mercies yesterday, and that makes me realize again the blessing of seeing the Lord's hand in the most minute details of my life.

This week has been very different for me. Last Saturday we enjoyed a much-needed visit with Kylee, Jonny & Nadja. Their little family has had some struggles with the circumstances the virus has left in their lives. We weeded together, worked on our burn pile, and enjoyed a 'picnic' lunch. They left with lighter hearts and reminded of how much we love them. Unfortunately we didn't physical-distance well enough, and so I am isolated from my Darling Declan & his family for two weeks. Regardless of how much I hate this, I also respect Dani & Paul for protecting their little family also. So without work or Darling Declan, suddenly I had a ton more time on my hands. So I have spent a lot of time trying to tame my backyard, which always allow a lot of personal reflection. 

I had just sat down in the early afternoon yesterday, at my kitchen table, where I have an unobstructed view of my back door. I looked up as Bryce walked back inside, and said, 
"I need to go see the Doctor." And then the tears rolled down his face. I quickly went to him and hugged him while he cried and he said his depression was making this new normal soooo hard. He knew he was doing well at work (from home- he's been working full-time since last September-ish) but his negative thought pattern was not allowing him to see the good...only that he wasn't good enough! We talked through some ideas and points while he took the suggested Reliv Shake. Immediately feeling better he started back down the stairs and paused before saying, "I am sure glad you were sitting right there when I came in." He disappeared downstairs and I thought to myself...wow! Had I still been working and tending Darling Declan I most certainly would not have been 'sitting right there' then! God is good! And so mindful of  every one of His children! He is also still fulfilling His promise to me that "when the time is right you will be an instrument in my Hands." 

After that I felt the impression come again to submit my manuscript to another publisher. 
Editors note: In defense of full transparency, please don't judge me...I blame my scrambled brain.
So I sat down to compose an email to a friend of Clark's who had offered to help in this process. As I started to bring him up to date on this journey...I suddenly had a funny feeling. Crossing my office to the bookshelf I picked up another friends book and flipped it over to see the publisher, remembering why the book was lying out. I recently met Merrilee Boyack and told her I had used one of her quotes in the manuscript to which she replied, "If Covenant says no go to Cedar Fort, I had to do that a couple of times." I came home that night, pulled out my friends book to verify they both had published through Cedar Fort. Returning to my computer I went to Shadow Mountain Publishing and saw again they were not accepting manuscripts til September! I had almost submitted to the wrong publisher again. So I paused my email and instead submitted my manuscript to Cedar Fort. I was pleasantly surprised that they were actually soliciting manuscripts in Genre's my manuscript could easily fall under. It was a pleasant, seamless process that I actually enjoyed this time. Within a couple of hours I received the auto-response email advising me they had received my manuscript and advised it would take about a month for their response.

So this morning with a bit clearer brain, I am delighted to recognize  the Tender Mercies that continue to unfold in my life. I feel the Lord's blessings as if I am wrapped in a warm blanket, you know the ones the hospital heats up for you? And when I see Him working through me to bless His other children I am in awe. I am well aware of my shortcomings and straight-up failures, yet in all my less-than-perfect self, He still sees "I am enough for Him", and He uses me accordingly. What a gift to remember. As King Benjamin would say..."O remember, remember that these things are true..." I love his final General Conference talk! 

I think one of the greatest blessings of this pandemic is the forced slowing down of the world and all it's trappings and noise, in such a way that, in silencing the worlds influence, the things of the Spirit, and those things which we do that are of the most importance and of eternal worth, seem to be increasing in our lives. With less worldly noise, I hear Him more often and more clearly see His works in my life. I keep reminding myself we are living in remarkable times, but not left alone by our God, His Son Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost. 

Enjoy the silence, remember to take time to see His hand and #hearhim as often as possible. Notice the spring time around us. And breath deep! Happy Friday!

Finding peace & joy amidst the chaos

I feel the pull to blog again...but without any clear direction that He wants me to go. So I sit here alone in the dark, just my computer & me. I reflect on life today as we know it. We are in very unusual times, I read so often of individuals who experience fear, loss & plenty of uncertainty. Yet underlining these emotions I personally feel the hum of peace, yes even joy and know this is all part of His divine plan for us. Did He give us this Pandemic...no, but He gave us  prophet who is a Doctor. This great man knows better than most what this will likely do to our world. This great man who has for so many years has also cultivated Chinese relationships so that when we asked for the impossible in China...permission to use an existing meeting house for our Temporary Temple, the answer was a resounding yes. Shocking the entire world! Then to be invited to build a temple in Dubai, which was likely not even on the Temple Departments radar....all because they saw something in our leaders & members that made this request a reality.

Then to now look back on the signs along the way preparing us for surviving today in this new world. Home-centered, Church supported learning. Yep! We were pretty excited when Church went to a two-hour block...who could have imagined NO Church at our buildings, at all!

We all know by now that the Salt Lake Temple Dedicatory prayer that sacred day so long ago, contained a plea that when we couldn't be in the Temple we would be protected by the Sacred Covenants we will make in the Temple. I think that phrase must have sounded a little strange to those in attendance. Who would have thought we would ever seen a time when every Temple is closed across the globe? And yet we are still being protected and sustained because of our sacred covenants made within those Holy Edifices !! 

In my calling as a  Councillor in our Stake Young Women Presidency, I often admonished our Young Women, to go to the Temple. And if they weren't ready to go inside the Temple, to remember the entire Temple grounds are dedicated as Holy Places. Touch the Temple physically, until you can go inside and have the Temple touch you! It is always a reminder to us of the Sacred Covenants we have made, and a way to remember to stay in the very center of our own Covenant Path.

Then our Prophet changed the time requirement when a Temple Sealing isn't how we got married. That surprised us all, and now we are seeing faithful couples getting married civilly until their marriage can be Sealed later in the House of the Lord. No less worthy or protected for being obedient and prepared for that sacred blessing.

Now thousands of missionaries have been called to come home, some to end their faithful service early, others to accept new assignments within their home country. Each of these scenarios carry their own challenges, and therefore blessings previously unrealized with these new circumstances. 

And so amidst these uncertain, chaotic & challenging times, I marvel at the steady, trusting, faithful families, who are reaping unprecedented blessings as they turn down the volume, if you will, on the things of the world, and witness the ability to see & hear those sacred, spiritual scenarios that surround us now. Some have spoken of this being a time to reset. To remember what matters most. To see ourselves and others through the eyes of our loving Savior Jesus Christ. To yearn for the fellowship of the saints we love & worship with. To seek Fathers guidance on how to navigate this treacherous terrain before us. To re-learn what our faithful Pioneers lived so long ago...simple lives centered in Christ. Finding joy in our families, lifting and helping those who may be hurting or lonely around us. Sharing the peace & joy of the Gospel of Christ, with all fellow-travelers, without apology.

And so as we adjust to a new normal may we each pause and reflect, and realize just what a precious gift we have been given. What will we look back and see, after the malls are filled again, the grocery stores are fully stocked, the busy schedule of work, church callings and family life fill our days again? How will we remember these challenging days? Will we come out the other-side stronger, more centered on Christ and His on-going restoration? Will our loved ones be the center of our focus, that we may all be on the covenant path together?

My prayer for each of us is just that. That tomorrow we will be better for having survived this century's worst Pandemic ever...COVID-19. I hope & pray we will be kinder, more intuitive to those around us, more focused on Christ and having found more peace & joy in His Eternal Gospel. 

The tulips are blooming at the Mount Timpanogos Temple, ushering in springtime. Better days are ahead. Look up, trust God, and continue to hope for a better day tomorrow. Express heartfelt gratitude, and see God's Tender Mercies all around. 

God is in His Heaven, and all's right with His Eternal Perfect Plan! 

#5moresleeps #takethatcovid-19

Five more sleeps til General Conference! I honestly don't recall a time before where this wonderful event has held such anticipation, excitement or personal preparation. We have all been forced into a dramatic 'reset' of our lives as we shelter & stay safe, stay home, world-wide because of COVID-19. Yet six months ago when General came to a close Pres Nelson, our Prophet, called each of us to prepare ourselves. We all thought it was for the next conference, now perhaps we have a slightly different perspective. Many took his counsel to heart, many got very creative in ways to prepare. And ultimately the preparation, if we took the challenge, has indeed prepared us for far more than we had expected. And now we are all anxiously, and excitedly counting down the days til we can hear our beloved Prophet's voice. A calm, loving voice in a world of more chaos than the majority of us have ever been surrounded by. 

As I read Jarom's words in the Book of Mormon, likening his words unto me. He said, "...our leaders were mighty men (and women) in the faith of the Lord." Jarom 1:7 he goes on to say, "..And thus being prepared to meet the Lamanites, they did not prosper against us...." Jarom 1:9. Because they had been prepared, the enemy didn't get the upper hand. The enemy didn't go away, they didn't lesson their attacks and strategy against the faithful few, but they did not overtake these faithful few. Because of the Lord-led preparation. 

It doesn't matter that we may have stumbled in our preparation, it doesn't matter that our world has been thrown into fear, worry and chaos, the likes of which few could ever have imagined. It doesn't matter that evil meets us every day, it doesn't matter that we are each in isolation.  Our enemy will not prosper against us! The struggles around us in the world, will not defeat us. Our promises are sure, we have "...leaders who are mighty in the faith of the Lord...." And with this slow-down, this reset, this preparation, we are each ready, willing and eager to hear the words of the Lord in just 5 more sleeps here in America.

Woven in the words of these mighty leaders we will feel their love, we will feel their calm assurances, we will take to heart their counsel, and ultimately come closer to Christ. It may take some skittles for conference bingo, it may take some home-made cinnamon rolls, it may involve note-taking as the Spirit speaks privately to us, it may take quiet, reverent reflections. However above all else, we have been given such an incredible gift to quiet the noise of the world and the adversary, to anticipate and enjoy this semi-annual event in a way we may never have before. Maybe this latter-day plague called COVID-19 is truly blessing in disguise...of epic, Biblical proportions. Maybe with all the quiet around us, we can hear from these mighty leaders in an unprecedented manner. Maybe what they will share with us, needs to be heard clearly, without dilution, without distraction, with a heart prepared and open. 

May we each make the final preparations that will allow the Spirit to fill our homes and hearts as we listen to the saving word of God through his Prophets and leaders, mighty in their faith of the Lord. Enjoy!

Called to go somewhere...

My heart has been heavy these last few days, as world events have dictated the early return  or reassignment of so many missionaries, often creating an unimaginable end to their service. I also ache for friends who are serving as mission Presidents & Companions, whose heartbreak is unprecedented in our Church's history as they seek to protect their missionaries-and watch them leave, often all at once! It is always a bittersweet experience, coming home. However these unique world-wide circumstances may create a deeper level of the bitter portion of that bittersweet.

I remember not long after Clark and I were married we suddenly began to see some unprecedented blessings pouring into our lives. We pondered these remarkable blessings and were given to know that these blessings were coming to us as a direct result of the choices those we had taught and loved into the Gospel of Jesus Christ were making in righteousness. Left over missionary blessings. Returned missionary blessings. I came to know on a far deeper level that God and Jesus Christ never forgot their missionaries, not ever! 

Years ago i had the privelage of teaching early-morning seminary with Elder Rasband's sister Nancy in California. She taught me an eternal principal I have never forgotten. We as servants of the Lord Jesus Christ often have our "assignments" changed here in our lives. We accept callings, and releases as the Lord sees fit. However there are times when we struggle with those releases. She taught me that seeking the Lord's confirmation is equally important with a release as it is for a beginning. There are countless examples in our scriptures where individuals sought to know that their offering had been accepted.
One of my favorites is Doctrine & Covenants 105:19 "I have heard their prayers, and will accept their offering; and it is expedient in me that they should be brought thus far for a trial of their faith." Now no one wants to willingly accept a trial of their faith, however as we can all testify those very trials often bring the sweetest of God's blessings, and growth is often unattainable in any other way. We can each know our offering, whatever it was, is accepted by the Lord. Now we can teach this principal to these returned missionaries. Teach them to seek to know that the Lord has accepted their offering, through fervent prayer. This sweet assurance will come, and they will know of the great love the Lord has for His missionaries, as they press forward faithfully on His Covenant Path.

I see no coincidence that this early release will likely be completed prior to our General Conference! God's Perfect Plan is working! And I know the Lord's anointed Prophet and Apostles will lead by example in welcoming this Royal Army home!

And so as these missionaries, this living breathing army of God, begin to slip quietly back into our lives, I believe we each can be instruments in the Lord's hands in wrapping them in our love, as they struggle with the reality of an early release. Through no fault of their own they have been removed from their missions with absolutely no warning. Some will be leaving people they have loved with their whole hearts, some will be leaving before the very goal of baptism was just within their reach. Some will struggle knowing how beautifully simple their life had become, get up, share the gospel, go to bed. Repeat. Each has looked forward to bearing a fervent testimony to those who have loved and supported their efforts from home. Now they can't even walk through those chapel doors, they are locked and dark. Some will be reassigned to other missions while they harbor undeniable love for the mission, missionaries, members and Presidents & Companions they have been torn from. And without warning, be pressed into a whole other mission experience, often even in a different language! 

Even with the social distancing we are currently doing, there are ways for us to reach out and support them at this time of great upheaval. There are many resources on the Church website available to help us, and them, understand some of these tender feelings we are all having. Ask them to share their mission experiences. Ask them to bear their testimonies often. Maybe they can record a video of their experiences and share it through social media, on ward FB pages so others can still be blessed by it and them. Ask them to share the good and the hard. Listen with love. Being in isolation right now is so very foreign to everything they have been doing. It's weird enough to be without a companion 24/7 initially, but to be in isolation will be yet another layer to their struggle and adjustment to life after the Mission. Interact with them, love them, flood them with assurances. Satan still desires to have them, don't let him anywhere near them while they are vulnerable. 

Remember the ice-bucket challenge that ran rampart on social media for awhile? Didn't we watch repeatedly for the shock and reaction on their faces as that ice-cold water hit them from behind? Well this Royal Army has just been doused with that ice-cold water metaphorically speaking of course. They will be a bit shell-shocked for a minute. Be patient with them please.

I want to close with a quote from our beloved President Thomas S. Monson "Now a word for those elders, sisters, and couples who, for whatever reason, may not be able to finish their assigned time in the mission field: The Lord loves you. He appreciates your sacrifice. He is aware of your disappointment, Know that He still has a work for you to do. Don't let Satan tell you otherwise. Don't get down; don't become discouraged; don't despair. As I observed in General Conference shortly after I was called to lead the Church; 'Fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith.' That promise still holds true for you. So don't lose your faith, because the Lord has not lost faith in you. Keep your covenants and move forward."        "Called to the work" Ensign June 2017.

Our Savior appreciated the righteous service we gave as missionaries, no matter how long we served. "God is not unrighteous to forget your work and labour of love, which you have shewed toward his name."   Hebrews 6:10. 

We sometimes cannot control what happens to us, but we can always control how we react to it. Go forth showing an increase of love to all.
God is good, and his Perfect Plan for each of us is unfolding rapidly. Rest, eat your vitamins and run together to the finish line where we will each enfolded in His loving arms.

"I need to cancel my flight..."

" I need to cancel my flight..." I quickly came to recognize the fear, anxiety and unease woven tightly into those words. I work from home providing customer support for JetBlue. I have just completed 13 consecutive days of work, with mandatory overtime as we have worked our way through thousands of distraught callers in these darkening days.  I personally logged an exhausting 60 hour week. Not only is it physically taxing, but emotionally as well. I have assisted those with canceled wedding plans, which I know can be rescheduled, but the ones who have had to miss funerals were probably among some of the most heart-wrenching. The cycle of life goes on. Clark's sweet Aunt Marcia left this world for the next one, and watching her family bravely hold on to her memories, and figuring out how to forgo their planned celebration of her life, in the midst of their shattering grief, has been hard but admirable.
I have spoken to those who have tested positive for the virus, but who have no idea how they contracted it....likely from the gas station one thought...to others who have been banned from visiting their precious grandchildren because they had to pass through two airports to get to them, and their children told them not to come. Single Mothers who have put their children through college and will now forfeit that glorious moment of  seeing them graduate. Sons and daughters who have elderly parents, and "..what if this continues and they get sick without me there?" Then the Americans who were stranded in foreign countries who had locked down their borders before the Americans could get home. I could hear the fear, I wept silently with those who cried, I also delighted in the transactions where we could get someone back home to be with their family, where flights worked out, and where JetBlue had empowered me to go above and beyond in tailoring a success story for some. At the peak of the trials I noted we had 2900 customers waiting on hold. Waiting over an hour sometimes, although they assured me the cruise lines were 3 1/2 hours hold, and Delta was 6 hours! They repeatedly said how much they loved JetBlue and how kind the agents always were. They apologized for other customers who were nasty or yelling, I assured them we were all ok (even though there were times when that was stretching the truth a bit...) I repeated many times we have the best customers in all the world! 
And amidst all this chaos and fear and turmoil, and sometimes anger driven by terror, then one morning began with a 5.7 earthquake. With all that JetBlue was dealing with, they stopped everything to initiate our internal emergency response plan and contacted every single employee here in Utah. We each were required to answer:

 1) I am alright 
 2) I need assistance

Shortly thereafter the well-wishes and prayers for us began to pour in from our Orlando Customer Support team, offering to pick up our shifts for those who had lost power or needed to be with their children and families. I was in awe again at the ability for our JetBlue family to help us feel we matter to them, that our welfare as the backbone of this company was their priority. 

And then this week was the disappointing news that Covenant Communications decided not to publish my book. Quietly that contributed to this pretty rough week. I will continue to pursue other options as the Lord directs. It has been hard to say those words out loud, however His will always prevails, and I am on His errand, and I find peace knowing He knows.

So as I have now reflected on all that has transpired within these last 13 days, I can see the loving hand of the Lord gently holding my bruised and battered soul. Lifting me with His love and support. Recognizing the gifts around me of kind words, hugs from family, Clark picking up the slack in our home while I spent hours assisting others all over the world. Watching my daffodils bloom, brightening their little patch of the world here. And hearing the birds twitter as they rushed to find food for their newborn babies. I see gifts of having my schedule lightened because of all the medical issues I have been dealing with, which then allowed me to pick up my mandatory overtime. I am grateful all my doctor visits and tests were over before the 'shelter in place' order came. I am grateful for Darling Declan and the hours of pure joy I was able to experience as we spent many hours together. I am so impressed with my children as each of them have gathered their little families in and kept each other safe. 

But this morning as I felt my anxiety creep in as the reality of this situation begins to unfold on a global scale, Australia has closed it's borders for 6 months...Qantas has had to lay off 20,000 workers...I recognized my anxiety beginning to escalate, and so I reached for the Savior. Knowing He knows all, knowing I love and trust Him, knowing He has provided a Prophet-Doctor to lead and guide all the world who will listen to him. My heart began to feel His peace. I listened to one newscaster with my jaw dropping last week when he said, "We all need to get plenty of rest, take our vitamins and eat healthy..." Hmmm I think I have heard that before....oh yeah President Nelson told us that a year ago! 

And so with my anxiety slowly receding, my faith and peace gently increasing, I know to whom I will look for strength. I glory in my God. I glory in my Jesus. I am grateful for my Prophet. I am so excited for our General Conference in 13 sleeps! 

I pray for each of us be safe, that we will be kind to others, that we will be on our knees that we may each see the Lord's Tender Mercies that abound. Spread goodness and light to all around us, and know to whom we can turn for peace.

Faith and great anxiety.

The early morning darkness shrouds my world, yet I am beckoned to write. I began reading my scriptures, and one verse was already highlighted and it caught my eye, 2 Nephi 32:9
"But behold I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that He will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul." I had reached for my journal, and felt the impression to blog instead.

Jacob then says "For because of faith & great anxiety..." It has been exactly that these last 6 weeks for me. Wading through some truly terrifying physical experiences, yet not finding answers. Great anxiety? Absolutely! Yet throughout it all my constant prayer has been..."Please Father help us find the right person who will give us answers." And along side that great anxiety- I have  felt peace. Patiently working through each of these medical challenges, unsure of the outcome, but feeling the peace only Christ can bring, in my aching heart. Today I see the 10th Doctor, all who are baffled, 4 ER visits, one ambulance ride, 2 brain MRI's, 3 CT scans, countless EKG's, EEG, Ultrasounds, blood draws, poked, prodded, and questioned. While the Chiropractor seems to have had the most positive impact, I was still in the ER Friday with blood pressure 200/97 !! Then yesterday I was reading the report from Fridays CT scan and three little words that were in bold print caught my attention. Degenerative Disc Disease...C5-6 & C6-7. I looked at it, stunned. I knew I had DDD because of 5 bulging discs in my lower back, but no one had ever identified it in my neck. Realization flooded into my mind, with the ever-present peace, this was likely the cause for all my anxiety. And now I can see my clearly-defined journey, with it's many twists and turns, all becoming the answer to my very specific prayer, of getting to the right individuals who could solve my issues.

I knew with perfect clarity that I was in the Lord's gentle hands all along. The many prayers and good wishes of loved ones and friends certainly were tangible and deeply appreciated. God is good. Miracles were expected, and have been received. 

So back to Jacob and his expression of faith and great anxiety.  My journal entry of February 17th 2016 reads, "I had never seen those two words combined before, yet how true it is. Often those with faith are facing trials that cause great anxiety, and if Nephi & Jacob, prophets of the Lord, can feel that, then I am ok. But so often when our anxiety becomes great we instead doubt our faith. These two-faith and great anxiety- can co-exist unlike faith and fear." Then the entry continues, "Yesterday we buried beautiful little Ella Ranson, 20 months old and called home.Monday night I had gone with Claire Brown to her viewing.This was the first time seeing Sarah & Daniel Ranson. I told Sarah there are no words, only prayers. She said she had truly felt them. They were both filled with such grace and dignity and I know they were being borne up on wings of Angels. Then I stepped to the little white casket and Ella looked for all the world as though she was just sleeping. I was stunned at the cocoon of spirit-filled peace that seemed to surround the three of them. I've seen my share of bodies after their spirit has left them, but I've never experienced anything like this before. I couldn't drag myself away because I was convinced at any moment those big brown eyes of hers would pop open and we'd all be released from this painful nightmare.
So many others expressed this exact sentiment as they respectfully came to sustain the Ranson family. Great faith and great anxiety, but being borne up on the wings of grace from a loving Savior, who was enabling them, whilst knowing that Father had called Ella home because she had completed all that was required of her during her too-short stay in mortality." 
This particular journal has a scripture at the bottom of each page, and I am constantly stunned how they relate to my writings. 
The first one is Alma 38:5 "...as much as ye shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day." 
And then Galations 6:2 "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."

Well this is not what I thought I would be blogging about this morning. But trusting my heart to the Lord, here it is. Someone must need this today also. Faith and great anxiety, trusting in the Grace of God, allowing Him to guide, lift and consecrate my actions. It is truly miraculous as I stand back and watch with perfect faith in Him as He continues to direct His work on the earth. I am grateful to see His hand in the minutest details of my life. May I remember this day to allow Him to be Master of my Soul. 

The fear versus faith battle rages.

Each evening I find myself furtively glancing at the clock more frequently, slowly the hands move towards the inevitable, it's time. I gather my things and move slowly towards the stairs. 
The inner battle begins. 
One stair at a time. 
There is such reluctance to take the next step, as the war rages, gaining intensity within. Fear raises it's ugly head, and I reach for faith, for hope, unsure who will be the victor this night. As I cross the threshold of our bedroom, I take in the furnishings, looking everywhere but the bed. Unable to delay any longer I cross the room, and fall to my knees at my bedside. I plead for strength to face the demons that have become, ironically again, my companions through the night. 
My personal sanctuary has been shattered once again. It has taken years, a lot of counseling with divine intervention, and the complete, eternal love and steadying sustaining support of Lover to overcome my childhood filled with sexual abuse, when the nighttime hours of horror was my normal.

And now a different kind of terror plagues the darkest hours of some days.I never know when it will strike, nor what the outcome will be. And for me, control freak that I am, is tough to take. So each night the struggle to allow faith, to overpower fear is real. I reach for the Lord's hand, dig deep to feel the power of prayers from those who know, and slowly rise from my knees and climb into bed.

Beginning January 30th I was awoken from a deep sleep by the sensation of pins & needles all over my body. My brain was so scrambled the only thought I could hold onto was that something was really wrong. I couldn't make out the numbers on my bed-side clock, my vision was so bad. I attempted to get out of bed and stumbled into the wall, unable to stand I fell back on the bed. I was terrified. 
Over the last 24 days other symptoms have been part of these too-familiar episodes, brilliant exploding lights in my head, inability to speak and be understood, even severe chest and back pain. Perhaps the worst was the temporary but total paralysis. Unable to move any part of my body, including my mouth, I lay there thinking  Clark would find me dead in the morning. Eventually it passed. 
With two frantic trips to the ER, countless tests and Doctor visits, gradually we are ruling out possible causes. I have ached to write, but hesitated because maybe somehow doing so would make this nightmare more real. And, I had initially hoped these episodes would turn out to be isolated experiences. Unfortunately that has not been the case. 

While there are still no clear answers, it has also been a journey of faith. Step by step the Lord has cleared the path to Doctors, specialists and test availability, towards a resolution. I have been reminded again, of the power of specific prayer, and the miracle of seeing the resulting answers to those specific prayer. I am humbled by the outpouring love of those who know about these episodes and who love me. And those who don't know and have reached out because they have followed the spirit, in their hearts and minds, to express their love by an unexpected visit, bringing flowers (which is my favorite thing ever!) a loving text, a message, a hug or call, or telling me they are praying for me.

I think the hardest thing emotionally for me is recognizing the reality of not knowing what any night will bring.

I woke last night again with the tingling sensation beginning and unbidden I heard myself say, "No, no, no. no. Please no." The last several episodes have not introduced any new symptoms, and have resolved themselves more quickly, without the usual escalation. I am not sure what that even means, if anything at all.

And while the fear-faith battle continues, I have also felt such peace in this storm. Clark & Gary gave me a blessing last Sunday, and Heavenly Father- through Clark, promised me, peace, hope and joy! I love the power behind those feelings! I marvel at the gift of joy, especially in the mists of darkness that are present in my daily life right now. I have had joy. I do have faith. Peace is present more often than not, and I cling to hope every day. How important it is for me to recognize these gifts every day!

So while I still struggle briefly at the beginning of each bedtime hour, as I invite the Lord in, I am strengthened to face the darkness. I often reflect on my blessings. I recall the millions of times The Lord has guided my life, and I know He is The Captain of my Soul, The Master of my destiny, The Source of my joy, and the Giver of good gifts. He does lift me up, He does strengthen me. And in the words of my all-time favorite song by Nik Day,

He gives us hope
When hope is gone
He gives us strength
When we can't go on
He gives us shelter
In the storms of life
When there's no peace on earth
There is peace in Christ.

And now as the shadows begin to flee before the rising sun, so do my fears. God is in His Heaven and alls right with the world...for this sacred moment. And I again fall to my knees in gratitude. Elder Brian Bona taught me a lesson I will never forget, despite all we believe or imagine or think, "God's plan is always working." To the degree I see it depends on my willingness to surrender to Him. That's the entire purpose of this mortal experience- surrendering my will to His, and participating in the unveiling of His Perfect Plan for me. 

His stillness after the storm.

This morning I dropped to my knees feeling the need to have Heaven's help as today I was to take the assessments at Jetblue that were required before I can return to work. After being on a medical leave for 7 months, the closer this day came, the more my anxiety went up. So much had changed with my job since I had been gone. And while some part of my brain knew I would be fine, there was another part that was tirelessly taunting me with these changes, and had started me second-guessing myself.

I began my prayer and no sooner were the words forming in my head, than I suddenly found myself in awe of the lack of anxiety. There was an almost eerie silence, stunned at what I was experiencing, I couldn't even continue to pray. I stayed very still. I wasn't imagining this abrupt change. There was just nothing I felt stressed about. I completed my prayer and slowly got to my feet. I quietly gathered my things, offering another quick request, if there's anything I will need, that I haven't set out, please tell me before I leave the house. Silence.
No anxiety. No racing thoughts. Just gentle quietness. I started down the stairs to the garage, and I thought to myself, "Well it's just me and what's in my head and my heart then." 

As I began to drive up to the center in Salt Lake City, I began to think, I wonder if this is what it will be like when I die, and cross over through the veil. I can't take anything with me, except what is in my head and my heart. I won't have my scriptures all marked up for easier recall, I won't have my journals to look back on, I won't have my scrapbooks, or social media reserves of family & friends photos documenting all the delightful experiences of my mortal life. All I get to take is my learning in my head, and the testimony & love in my heart. 

Have I allowed the Lord to write His love in my heart? Have I learned all that I had opportunity to learn, both secular and spiritual? Has my heart been changed by the love I have for others, including my family? What was I going to take home to Father & Mother, when I leave this frail existence? It was a sobering thought, to say the least. Am I becoming all They intended for me to become?

In my Stake calling I have begun to memorize the new Young Women Theme.

                     I am a beloved daughter of Heavenly parents
                     with a divine nature and eternal destiny.

                    As a disciple of Jesus Christ 
                    I strive to become like Him.
              I seek and act upon personal revelation
                 and serve others in His holy name.    

This is as far as I have gotten up until today. Those are some powerful truths and responsibilities! As I continue to see the young women of our stake stand taller to accept these sacred promises, I am amazed at their strength and willingness to be obedient, and follow the Prophet! What an inspiration and example they are to me! 

As I attempt to internalize these gifts I am so grateful for all I am learning, and feeling.
I am coming closer to Christ as I study His words in the Book of Mormon. I used to joke that someone must have edited that wonderful book, because it seemed every time I read it again, I found new truths! Well if I thought editing had happened before...NOW it's like instead of the equivalent of a candle's limited light shining on my text, this year it's like a football field's worth of lights is flooding every page! I love it!  God is good!

Yes God is good, and He supported me through to success with my assessments today! 
And now as this day comes to a close, I will kneel again, this time to thank Him for answering the prayers of my family and myself. And then I will record the witness of His hand in my life today. He is indeed so good. 

Aussie Fires

My beloved homeland Australia is burning in the deadliest bush fires the country has ever known, and the official fire season has only just begun.  

Australia today is ground zero for the climate catastrophe. It's glorious Great Barrier Reef is dying, rain forests are burning, kelp forests have largely vanished, numerous towns have run out of water, or are about to, and now the vast continent (roughly the same geographical size as North America) is burning on a scale never before seen. The fires have already burned upwards of 14.5 million acres. Some scientists estimate that close to half a billion native animals have been killed and the real possibility exists that some species of animals and plants may have been wiped out completely. At last known count 23 people have died, 1500 homes lost and 2500 buildings destroyed, but with fires reaching to the oceans and cutting off roads and highways, many are unaccounted for. Some regions of the country have recorded air quality measurements 20 times above the hazardous level!

And here I sit with snow as far as the eye can see. I am sure many others share my sense of helplessness as we watch and wait. I am grateful my friends and family are safe, as are all the missionaries serving there, for now.

But as I pondered what if anything I could do, this quote came to mind.

“Sometimes when we see or hear of a need, there is nothing we can do to help. Sometimes the only thing we can do is pray. But never underestimate the power of the prayers of the righteous.” Merilee Boyack

I would add, righteous or not-as-righteous, God hears each of our prayers. So please join with us in praying for a miracle. It is after all the only thing we can do from here. The Pacific Area Presidency announced a National January Fast, and I'd like to invite those who choose to, please remember Australia in your prayers and fasting this weekend especially.

So many of you have reached out telling me how heartbreaking this situation is and how much you too love Australia, from visits and family, we're all connected world-wide. Thank you all, may we each see the miracles God is doing daily in our lives, and may we all keep praying for the others we hold dear in our hearts.