Steps...

Steps, measurements through life. Happy events we quantify by steps, progress, patterns and roles. Steps to bless the baby when he's born and declared ours to train and guide, during mortality. 
Chubby little fingered fists holding you in a vice-grip, as baby struggles to master that walking thing..those first steps. An adorable, contagious grin, this is merely the
beginning as they recognize their independence and freedom. First the finger grip, then more steps along the couch, still reaching for new things, people and places. Too soon they take off on their cute little legs, trying desperately to make all the bits go together the right way...and then trying it alone!
Suddenly it seems they are riding some contraption that involves numerous wheels...
Oh be still my heart!  
And on and on they go.. steps for climbing the stairs, steps up on to the trampoline...to get the ride of their  life from the bigger kids. We see their steps that are taking them on to new paths to explore ahead. 
Steps into the lake to go fishing, with Grandpa. 
Steps down the cliffs to the ocean..
Steps along the wet, golden sand at the beach, where the waves crash and then ebb back to the ocean, leaving traces of water on the sun-drenched, sparkling sand.
Steps to kindergarten, where he learns about others and his world from others. 
Steps to the school bus, new friends, and adventures....

And so it goes...time after time steps are milestones as mortality goes on.

Sometimes we see the glistening sands as our steps leave their temporary mark as we desperately seek answers to life's struggles. Sometimes our journey of steps is lonely, hard, long and difficult to see ahead.
Sometimes we make choices..and take steps in the wrong direction.

1308 days ago I made a choice to turn my will over to God to find healing for my food addiction. I chose to not eat flour or sugar, and I haven't done so since then. I learned, in this process, about the 12-steps in recovery of the world-renown AA program. I  began to take those steps to heart in my own recovery. Later those steps would allow me to lead Bryce to his own 12-step program in recovery as he entered into Rehab. Unfortunately since them some of his steps recently had taken him down one of those wrong-turn paths.
Now 42 days after Bryce awoke, he has started his steps to recovery. Yesterday he reached step 4- Taking Personal Inventory. I feel empathy for him as I remember how hard this is, as it requires going back and doing inventory of past choices...
We silently observed as he began this process...after an hour or so he fell sobbing into my arms. I gently told him, "You are good. You have made bad choices...but you are a good person, and you are loved!" 

He was pretty low yet said he knew Heaven was helping him...there's no way he could have done this before....clean. Of course the Mother-Bear comes out again...in my head only...as I watch him suffer, yet I see him show such strength and courage! 

Much later, I heard the crunch of the driveway gravel as the tires rolled slowly over it. My heart stalled out for one exaggerated beat...and I leaped from my bed shedding the tangle of sheets and blankets. Grabbing the windowsill to steady myself, I leaned forward and with my forehead against the cool glass, I watched his brake lights shine through the darkness, as he turned the car towards the street...away from home. 
"Father...please keep him safe...I love him, and I know this is hard. Please bring him home again. Safe." 
Silent tears streamed down my face. I felt my knees begin to buckle, I wanted to scream, I wasn't convinced my heart could take another blow.

Instead I rushed down to my phone and frantically called him...as I was dialing,Clark said..."He's feeling much better now..." Suddenly Bryce answers my call..."Oh hey Mom what's up?" I slumped into the kitchen chair, swamped by relief and gratitude. "Just wanted to tell you that I love you!"

Steps..some days baby steps are all I can manage.
I hope fear and concern won't dog my steps every day...maybe just once in awhile instead....
However, as long as my daily steps are aimed back to Heaven...these earthly steps will become easier I know!

Slowly I take the steps to my bedroom, already offering my thanks to my loving Heavenly Father, who so perfectly understands my every step.

Charlotte...where's her web?

Yesterday I had a little "ah-ha" moment...the kind that sneak up so unexpectedly...seemingly so random to the surrounding discussion... I am not even convinced it was actually verbalized, maybe it was just the Holy Ghost teaching me. Remarkable in and of itself.

I was reminded when the children of Israel were wandering in the wilderness...and the Lord began to feed them every day with Manna from Heaven...and after awhile, some thought they could collect two days worth of food? They learned the hard way that God said what He meant, and meant what He said. He blessed them as they were obedient. The saved Manna was inedible the following day!

I get the lesson of obedience...exact and immediate obedience even. 
Pres Nelson said," Obedience brings success...exact obedience brings miracles." 
However this time the spirit gently nudged me to my own application of this historical experience.

The Lord gave His children a 24-hour commandment. Manna for one day, a 24-hour window, similarly He gave Bryce a 24-hour window. 
Suddenly the reality dawned upon me, He had done this before! 
He understands the frailties of mankind! 
So in His infinite wisdom He knew 24-hours was what we could handle to assist Bryce in his recovery. Then the Lord's prayer came to mind..."Give us this day our daily bread..." 

Quietly the Holy Ghost confirmed to my heart that this 24-hour day plan was indeed what the Lord wanted for Bryce. Even though I had been told before, and then confirmed again, this moment... it was still the right thing to do. Warmth filled my heart, as I knew we would continue to see His miracles and Tender Mercies.

I heard a song lyric recently that seemed to fit very well.

"I need all the cracks in my shattered heart
'Cause that's where His love gets in."

Indeed, my heart is slowly healing, as I continually try to let His love in. And when His love comes in, it is a beautiful thing!

While working on my never-ending weeds out side in the early hours of each day last week, I came upon several spiders, whose safety I seemed to be a constant threat to. Most merely scurried out of my way. However, twice I saw a Mamma Spider desperately trying to flee...with her egg sac. It stopped me cold as I watched her risk her life to save her babies. 

I sat motionless each time, even though I loathe spiders-who wouldn't after being raised in Australia where some of the deadliest spiders of the world reside there also? It would have been easy enough to kill both Mamma and her babies...who would no doubt grow up to be my enemies too! But something stronger stayed my hand in those moments. Suddenly I felt almost a respect for a Mamma doing whatever was necessary to save her offspring. I felt a strange kinship even, with those spiders, as I reflected on my recent Mamma Bear experience with Bryce. I saw the parallels clearly, and so I then waited patiently until they moved to an undisturbed patch of weeds. 

As I waited, my perspective expanded, and I thought of Heavenly Father, who I am sure, often has to wait for me to get to a safe place before He can teach me more. Just like my epiphany yesterday...He patiently waited to teach me and remind me of His plan in my life, and that of His plan for Bryce also! I know without any doubt that He has an individualized plan for each of His children. What comfort that alone brings me, as I struggle to do what is right, and all He asks of me.

I had an opportunity also last week to retrieve some of my frozen baked goods as I accepted the call to minister for Him. Both experiences touched my heart deeply. And as I drove home afterwards...I realized I had been able to minister without draining my reserves. My heart was filled up instead! I marveled at this Tender Mercy, I am feeling so very blessed. 

So while we continue to live one day at a time, with Bryce, I see His hand in our lives and am grateful for each Tender Mercy. Bryce is learning more about himself, and his choices as he continues to succeed living each 24-hours. He is doing really well and it is so awe inspiring to watch The lord manifest His plan for Bryce- to Bryce. 

Tears...then peace

In a matter of minutes there was chaos everywhere...I look out over our yard now, after the fierce winds that stripped my trees of hundreds of leaves, several branches, and left the air cooler but gritty with dirt from who knows where. And just as suddenly as it had come... it was gone! I wish the wind had a clean-up crew following in it's wake!! With 44 trees on our property one can imagine the potential for problems from a wind such as this. Just yesterday I admired all the hard work that had left our yard tidy, clean and beautiful. And now it is littered with leaves and branches that will never grow again, destined to the burn pile behind the workshop....

How like our lives at times...peace.. then chaos.. but then peace again. The analogy was not lost on me today. Sometimes we have to hang on and ride out the storms of life...but with the promise of peace, we keep moving slowly forward.

Seminary graduation, celebration. These incredible high school seniors were being recognized tonight. They had spent over 100 hours- each of their four years of high school- totaling some 491 hours, in religious education! In fact there are certain countries in the world who require this length of religious training to allow these marvelous youth to enter those countries as "missionaries' for our church. No small measure of these students dedication. I felt a sense of pride as I watched them, knowing both the world and our church will be in good hands, as they begin to carve out their personal impact in the coming days, months, and years. Some I knew a little, some only just a bit...but I was proud of all this night represented to each of them.

I suspected this event tonight may be hard for me. I had hesitated to go, feeling a little raw and very burdened today. Ultimately I chose to go, knowing somehow, on some level that as President Nelson has said.."Obedience brings success...immediate obedience brings miracles." 
I hoped with all my heart that my miracles hadn't hit an imaginary limit...I needed a miracle today, but I knew just asking for it was not enough. I had to walk by faith, I had to put others needs before my own, I had to serve in my calling to the best of my capacity, and knew the Savior would make up the difference. So I went very early, choosing a seat close to an exit...just in case...and I was desperately hoping the Spirit of God would meet me there with comfort, and peace. He sent an angel, my sweet Elizabeth, to sit by me, wrap me in her love, and stay strong when I fell to pieces.

The closing song was "Teach me to walk in the light of His love..." That was my personal undoing...I have only just begun to sing in church again. I am not sure what connects the hymns or songs to my eyes...but...I felt my throat close up and tears fell from my eyes. I wish I had an on/off switch for my tears sometimes...

The reality of my mortality hit me with force, as I pondered. Why, when I had done all the things I was supposed to do raising my children, why did my ending turn out so differently than others? I felt such a gaping hole in my heart...my Mother's heart ached as I felt these emotions wash over me. I gave up trying to discreetly catch the stray tear...it became a full-blown waterfall cascading over my cheeks. I hurt! It seemed today I felt my personal burdens with an intensity that took my breath away.  Elizabeth , and others, loved me on through my tears and heartache...offering their love and support and kind words. 

Slowly I felt the pain ebb and flow, and while others may struggle to understand this particular pain, I knew Heavenly Father also knew. And while I hope my children never fully know my pain this way, I know other parents who also know only too well the pain of a child's choice. I wish no parent knew this pain...and yet it is not for us, the parent, to decide or control.

I stepped outside to my car, in anguish borne of love, I cried out to Heavenly Father. Please...it was all that came out...Please... my heart continued to beg...Please let Christ's Atonement swallow my heartache...no sooner than the word had formed in my mind and heart...it was answered. Peace flooded my heart, filled up all the holes, eased me from a state of pain. Even though I have felt the redeeming power of Christ's Atonement many times, it still never ceased to amaze me how truly available it is for the asking. Instantly, completely, perfectly I am filled with peace. Balm to my aching heart. I am humbled and grateful for this gift!

Just like the leaves and branches scattered on my lawn at home, there were broken dreams, unfulfilled hopes, times I could never recover, things in my heart that would never grow again here in mortality, yet even after the chaos, peace remained. 

Peace as only the Lord can give...I yet have Eternity to see some miracles happen. I will resolutely hold to that hope. I will place my fears at His feet, yoking myself to Him, and I will trust that He will make all be well someday. I feel His love. I am so grateful for His complete awareness of each of us as we struggle to do His will. His aid is undeniable and I am always so grateful for another day ahead of me. Another 24 for me too! 

My weed garden, with a few flowers

Today I am not scheduled to work, so it's been nice to slowly get ready, and chat with my 'boys' Bryce and Lover before they each left. Tranquility is what I feel within my home this morning. It is a welcome relief and change. Slowly all our hearts are healing I believe.
Bryce has twice the healing so to speak...physical and emotional/spiritual. He is doing remarkably well. I am forever the optimist, thereby choosing to see the best.

This still, quiet, beautiful spring morning, filled with promise, seems to be the perfect setting to acknowledge that today Bryce has been clean and sober for 30 days! 
It's a big deal in his AA program, and it's a big deal in my heart too! 
30 days ago he stepped back in to his life conscious. 
30 days ago he spoke his first words in this second-chance in mortality.

His first, and predominant emotion was profound love for us, his whole family, and gratitude to be alive. I am aware that others experiences may differ dramatically... that this joy upon waking, especially after such a severe attempt, is rarely the case. Many wake up angry that somehow they hadn't succeeded. Others never wake up at all. If this is you, my heart aches for each of you. And I pray you will find comfort and peace in the coming days.
We know what an incredible gift Bryce, and us, have been given. 
We are profoundly grateful every single day.

Each day now, while never perfect, and not without significant challenges, is still a gift Bryce is grateful for. I love that, more and more, I am seeing raw honesty in him...this level of willing honesty has been completely absent for many years. I know now one of the reason's I was given the gift of discernment, was because of Bryce. God has allowed me to see through Bryce's lies and deceit. And while there were plenty of times I was powerless to act on my spirit-given knowledge about him (and my other children) it was almost like my loving Heavenly Father was saying.."Be still and know that I am God, these were my children long before they were yours. I know how you are feeling and I am also seeing the truth- even with  the lies. All will be well. I got this too."

So 30 days is indeed a big deal! But here's to the next 24 hours! 

I had a sweet friend Heidi, check in with me this morning, as she often does. 
Her Mother-heart has also seen heartache and sorrow in her extended family. 
So it is exquisitely bitter-sweet when others who share similar pain, reach out to me. 
I hope someday I can follow Heidi's example of strength and pay it forward so to speak... 
and gently minister to other hearts that may be aching. 
We were challenged recently in Relief Society to pray for opportunities to minister to others around us. I pondered that challenge at length...and as I knelt to pray one morning I said... "Heavenly Father I am not confident if you answered my plea to find someone to minister to, that I could actually have the emotional reserve to do it. Some days it's all I can do, after drawing on the many prayers being sent heavenward from those who love me, that I can actually put on my headset and begin taking calls for work...not knowing if someone, unintentionally, would say something that would shatter the tenuous hold I have over my emotions right now. So I am just not sure I could obediently carry out Thy wishes..."

Gently the silent answer came through the Holy Ghost to my mind, 
"Just bake. Bake then freeze everything. Then when you are ready to respond to a ministering opportunity, you'll have something to share physically, until you are ready emotionally."

My heart soared as I could feel my closed eyes filling with grateful tears. Bake. Just bake. 
I had been aching to bake for several weeks, because it has always been for me a way to express my love, and to lift others hearts. However I never eat what I bake anymore...no not even a lick of the finger...but I love to bake, and have learned to appreciate smell on a much deeper level. I smiled, and marveled again how truly brilliant Heavenly Father is!  
So sometime if you become a recipient of my culinary efforts, please know while I may be bringing you something sweet...it is also being driven by a Heavenly Father who loves you dearly!.

As I sat to write this morning, I looked out my window and my eyes were drawn immediately to the lovely splashes of color, strategically planted in my back yard by my darling friends Heidi & Claire...(with a little help from Tal I am sure). As my eyes lingered over the sight, I felt the beginnings of a powerful metaphor gathering in my mind. I kept my gaze on the flowers....trying to avoid feeling my hatred of the snails who thought Christmas had come in the form of a white Gerber Daisy...grrrr....so back to the flowers. I realized I still had more weeding to do, but the flowers were blooming exactly where they had been planted, and didn't seem to mind a little competition from my weeds. Then the clarity of understanding filled my soul.

I overlook the weeds to focus in on and enjoy the flowers! 
It's like I barely acknowledge the weeds are there. 
I realized with deep assurance that my Heavenly Father overlooks the weeds in my life! 
My 'weeds' of sin, pride, disobedience, (I could go on but why ruin a perfectly good thought...)  and He lovingly focuses on my personal flowers. 
My willing heart, the times I am obedient, particularly to His urgent personal revelations to me. When I keep my covenants, when I serve Him and others. When I am brave even when I certainly don't feel brave inside. When I do hard things. 

So from this day forward I will try very hard to continue to focus on my flowers in my back garden, and the flowers- metaphorically speaking- in my personal life, instead of the weeds. However, just like in my flower garden, where I will continue to work at removing the weeds, all the better to see my precious flowers, so also in my life I will continue to work hard to remove my personal weeds. Weeds that may be overshadowing the ability to have my gifts and talents shine through to bless others. 

It is my prayer that I may more fully develop my personal spiritual gifts, and be more of an instrument in the hands of the great Master Gardner, the Good Shepherd and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Mosiah 18:26

As I was reading the Book of Mormon recently, I read this verse, again, but this time the Spirit opened my eyes and heart. And I wanted to record what happened, so I decided to share here.

Mosiah 18:26
"And the priests were not to depend upon the people for their support; but for their labor they were to receive the grace of God, that they might wax strong in the Spirit having the knowledge of God, that they might teach with power and authority from God."

The rewards of laboring in the Spirit for the Savior are gifts of the Spirit from God-

1) Receive the grace of God
That beautiful enabling power given by Him who gave His all that we may come home to Him. He who gave us life, blessing us that we may be enabled to do His work-whatever that may be. Enabling spiritual awakening, deeper understanding, more obedience to His word. We must receive this divine gift, willingly, not just waiting for it to appear. We must live worthy of it, humbly ask for it & continue to receive it- over and over in the shifting scenes of our mortality.

2) Wax strong in the Spirit
These Book of Mormon people were very accustomed to hard physical work, laboring was part of their everyday lives, and they did it well. So learning to labor in the Spirit was something they could immediately, and personally, relate to! And they knew laboring brought strength physically, so as they learned to labor spiritually-the blessing of waxing strong in the Spirit was an immediate and recognizable blessing.

3) Having the knowledge of God
Can we know the mind and will of God?
Absolutely, only in and through the power of the Spirit of the Holy Ghost- the ultimate teacher-can we gain knowledge of God. As we learn to live with the Spirit our knowledge of God expands and we become more like Him. As we serve as He wants us to serve, as we learn what He wants us to learn, and as we accept His tutelage under the Spirit of the Holy Ghost we gain the knowledge of God.

4) Then...
we might teach with the power and authority from God. We become His mouthpiece, His instrument, and through these gifts of the Spirit we become more like Him and bless the lives of others in this mortal realm.

I have watched in awed respect others serving the Lord spiritually, and constantly amazed at the deep reserve of spiritual strength they seem to have. I know service takes an exacting toll on our lives, however some seem to just diligently keep on the covenant path. I wish I was more like them. When this new understanding was given to me, I began to see service through new eyes. And I began to believe these gifts could be achieved...by anyone willing to follow this sacred pattern. What a beautiful blessing this was to me...lifting me, inspiring me, encouraging my baby steps towards God, filling my parched soul with life-giving water.

Oh how I love the Lord!

Come what may and love it.

The spring sky is dark, the streets are silent, most are still sleeping...but apparently I have things to write. I have felt a strange resistance to write these last few days, I am not really sure why. Yet today the pull was strong enough to get me up this early.

Sunday morning, we'd had our eldest grandson Paul, here for his "solo sleepover"...an event months in the making. It was hard to feel like normal Nanny however, I realized I was still on shaky ground emotionally. Suddenly Bryce was on the stairs, coming up into the kitchen, and I was nearly overwhelmed, tears filled my eyes and I realized this day could have been a very different experience. I clung to the life-line of love for this son. He dwarfed me as he wrapped me in his long arms tenderly and whispered, "Happy Mother's Day." 
And just like that I knew...a Mother's heart has many layers, yet love tied them all together, and I knew this forever love for each of my children would continue to lift and sustain me. 

I cannot remember the last Mother's Day that I sat with a child of mine in church. While I tenderly tucked this memory into my heart, another layer of this Mother's heart ached with a too-real to ignore physical pain, for Mother's everywhere who were hurting on this day. Mother's in all situations, those who had yet to know the exquisite joy of holding their newborn, those who silently wept at gravesides, for children's lives taken from them too soon, for those who's pillows were wet with tears of longing every night as they missed their children and their Mothers, both emotionally and physically apart, those who's opportunities to adopt had been fraught with frustrations and unsuccessful attempts. And those with whom I shared  an achingly familiarity of children whose life-choices had taken them far from the values I treasured and had taught them.

Many have felt the painful pull of feeling inadequate and perhaps feeling unsuccessful at parenting, especially Mothering. Why did I always feel others were more gifted, more loving, less judgmental, more fulfilled than my feeble sometimes selfish attempts? Why did the times I came up short seem to dominate my memories? Why was Mothering so hard at times? Slowly Eternal truths ebbed into my beaten, broken, aching heart...

"You are enough" 

Inch by agonizing inch these thoughts pushed out the hurt, the unfulfilled dreams, and allowed in the breathtakingly beautiful realizations that perfection was not necessary yet. Someday it would come, but until that glorious day, 

"I was enough." 

Having climbed up out of the dark abyss of negativity, I figuratively turned my tear-washed face to His light. Their light...Heavenly Father, Heavenly Mother...both of whom had lost forever one third of their children. Had they loved them any less? NO!  The ones who chose to come to earth, us, we came so we could return eventually and be like Them....Their plan is perfect and They continue to make up the difference as we fall short.

So I vowed to enjoy this day, to love, encourage and support as many others as I could. I managed to keep it all together on the outside, until a sister in our ward who was speaking said..."I'd like to quote Bryce Moss from his testimony last week...
"When I have tried my best, and it's not enough, the Savior steps in and makes up the difference." It was a powerful moment for me. I was stunned at the magnitude of what he had said...and the impact it had obviously made for good in others lives. I thought to myself...not too many recently-returned from inactivity individuals are quoted from the stand a week later! I shook my head in awe of this living miracle I also call my son.

Then the closing hymn was.. 
I have a fam'ly here on earth. They are so good to me.
I want to share my life with them through all eternity.
Fam'lies can be together forever through Heav'nly Father's plan.
I always want to be with my own family, And the Lord has shown me how I can
The Lord has shown me how I can.

The congregation had barely started to sing, when Bryce reached over and gripped my hand, effectively shutting down my ability to continue singing. The words on the page suddenly began to blur and swim before my now leaking eyes. After the closing prayer I reached over to hold this precious son. Both of us were sobbing at the terrifying thought that this moment in time almost didn't happen. Suddenly, without any preamble I blurted out to him, "No Mother ever wants her child to fail, but your epic fail at your attempt, makes me the happiest Mom anywhere today. Thank you for being here today with me." 

Being here with me today. Simple words, but the Eternities of meaning left me a little breathless, and un-measurably grateful. Suddenly my heart was also drawn out in gratitude to Bronson and his role in this very moment, to sweet Celecta, and her promise to mother Bronson,thereby assisting in the greatest moment of Bryce's mortality, and all the other mothers, Grandmothers, and my ancestors, whose help and love also gave me this magical, precious moment in time with my son.

Later that day as we all gathered in at Danielle's house, four generations of strong, beautiful, women...I marveled again at the richness of my life on this Mother's Day. I chose to enjoy what was immediately around me, honoring and being honored for our roles as women. My sweet Mum, Gwen-in her sunset years of mortality- vital, and still living  righteously her enduring covenants. She is such an example of overcoming hardships in her life, while standing strong in her faith. My daughters, Danielle, Kylee & Emma, beautiful, brilliant, becoming leaders and beacons of light to an ever-darkening world, and my grand-daughters Brigan and Nadja, developing their talents, discovering more of who they are, and filling my world with indescribable joy.

All strong women, each have blessed my life, and encouraged me to go on, they have lifted me to new heights, and I love and cherish each of them deep in my heart. All of us face challenges, hard things, but we are also bound to family and friends who also want to see us succeed. 

I'm not really sure why I have hesitated in writing this time...maybe because so much of these last few weeks has been filled to over-flowing with Bryce, but I cannot deny the steadying force my other children each have been throughout this experience. I know their pain is also real, and often nearly consuming too. But they have each soldiered on and loved Bryce in ways that I see are healing his very soul. He talked last night of those first few hours of finally being conscious again. He couldn't speak because of the tube in his throat...and even after it was removed it left a lot of pain in it's wake. However he remembers the massive outpouring of love from his siblings. He saw no anger, judgement or hesitancy. Instead they openly and clearly expressed their love to him. He still struggles to take it all in, but reflecting on those first few hours, he is slowly regaining his self worth. 

He is getting stronger every day, he had some very sacred spiritual experiences on Sunday. Slowly he is beginning to believe he is a choice son of God. He is loved and valued. What strength I see in him now. Slowly the scales of his past life are falling away as he emerges stronger and stronger. The Spirit he works hard to maintain in his life and our home is such a blessing to see. His simple gratitude for the smallest of things is heart-warming to watch.

And now the spring sky begins to lighten, as a new day begins. I can start to see the outlines of the trees against the morning sky as it grows lighter and lighter. Another day has begun. and as Elder Wirthlin said..."Come what may and love it."

The power of prayer

I am listening to the rain...I love listening to the rain. When I was a child we had a tin roof on our 60-year old house in Adelaide...and so rain on a tin roof, especially, brings back many fond memories! 
I think somehow it makes me feel a closer connection to my Heavenly Father...like the rain came straight down from Him. It soothed my aching little-girl heart, through years of abuse, and it has the power to soothe my heart now.

I am not convinced I am even able to adequately express these next thoughts...but my heart is completely filled with gratitude for all those who are joining us as we pray for Bryce. Our collective prayers were answered again, when none of us even knew it was happening. 
These sacred prayers saved him again, last night.

Over the last two days he had been pulling away from us again, emotionally distancing himself, and we knew it. We attempted to engage him, but it was not to be. He told me tonight, he was feeling pretty low last evening about eight pm, and decided to go for a drive. Satan's forces were out in force. Eventually Bryce thought...this path I am on is going to end in either a relapse or death tonight. I held my breath while my heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest. He continued, so I drove up on the mountain, and began to pray. He sobbed as he told me..."Mom that's all the prayers everyone is saying for me, that's the prayers being answered." I was speechless. Tears flooded my eyes. I thought tenderly and gratefully of all who had been offering these life-saving prayers. Satan and his minions may have dared to believe success was theirs last night...but yet again... 
"Fear not, for they that be with us are more than they that be with them." 2 Kings 6:16.
Bryce's royal army, lead by Bronson, were prepared to do battle for, and with, Bryce again. Bryce was not alone, and the prayers on his behalf were the summons those on the other side of the veil heard and responded to. Strengthening Bryce, and answering each of our prayers, again.

I told him I had gone downstairs after he was in bed last night, and paused outside his room. We had worried when he began to withdraw again, and then I noticed one of his medication bottles wasn't where I thought it should be. Of course my knee-jerk reaction when I put the pieces together in my head, was a dangerous conclusion. However I didn't feel impressed to open his door. Trusting him to God- I turned and walked away. This morning I was thrilled to see him....as I am every morning now! And then around lunchtime I sent him a text, and told him I missed him being in the house during the day. Whenever he's in a good place in his life I love being around him. 

He responded and told me he'd figured out he'd been missing his AA Big Book readings...and that when his trainer was late to work this morning he read! He knew it was a critical part in his recovery, and it filled a space in him that he hadn't realized was empty. He came home chatty and happy again, oh how his smile and laugh fill us with joy!

I keep playing our conversation over and over in my head. I am still brought to my knees in gratitude for the many prayers and loving support we have been the recipients of. 
I wish there were words to express my heart-felt humility at the combined power of prayer. 

Thank you for all your faith-filled prayers. For your endless love and support. So many little things that have been said and done, each mean so much to us. But there are no words to tell you how your prayers continue to support and save us all! 

Prayer...
Conversations with Deity...
Faith that those pleas are heard...
Pure knowledge that Heaven is listening, and responds....

I love you!

Breathe, just breathe.

My heart just caught in my throat as I watched Bryce drive away from the house, towards his job, for the first time I had absolutely no anxiety watching him leave. It sometimes seems like the last 23 days have been just a dream...but alas I know that isn't true. The truth is we have fought a singularly hard, painful, but beautifully rewarding fight. 

21 days ago, was the first time I heard his scratchy, damaged voice over the phone after he was extubated...that memory still thrills my Mother Heart! April 18th 2018 is his first day to consciously live again, and be clean. So each day is it's own milestone and miracle in this journey. 

I recently realized that as a bystander watching this experience unfold, the Tender Mercies and miracles were very obvious to me...However we are learning Bryce struggles to think of himself as a miracle, he is still processing much of what he went through, and still doesn't know all I have even shared here. But he wonders what he has done to deserve such a miracle. He feels others who are struggling with disabilities or life-long physical or mental issues ought to be getting the miracles. He feels his poor choices somehow exclude him from blessings and miracles. That was a difficult discussion, because as a Mother, no matter what the circumstances, I want my child to have a miracle, if possible. In my mind miracles, by definition, are beyond the realm of reality. And whenever divine power sets the rules of reality, and earthly constraints, aside- for a miracle, the recipient is indeed worthy of such a divine act of God. Please don't misunderstand me here, I am not advocating there is any individual deemed more worthy of a miracle than another. We really don't understand the Divine Mind or purpose when miracles are involved. Every son or daughter of God...that's all of us on earth...has a purpose, a journey, lessons to be learned, and trials that are made for the express purpose of helping us learn whatever is necessary to allow us to return to live with our Heavenly Father after this life is over. I have also learned that sometimes my trials are as much for someone else to observe, and or, participate in- for the intended purpose to be realized. After all we have been taught that it's not necessarily the trial we are faced with, but more especially how we react to it. I had to remind Bryce that even though he made one poor decision that night...the minute he changed his mind and chose to live...that thought unleashed to powers of Heaven...and the miracles began.

I am trying to be more careful in the language I use with Bryce about the miracles I have seen. I have to remind myself he is a recovering addict, and as such his self-worth has taken a beating over a long period of time. Healing self-worth his hard, and to a small degree all of us probably struggle with some form of low self-worth often, as it is one of Satan's most-used tools. I remind myself often, that Satan never had the veil drawn over his mind, after leaving Father's presence...because he lost his opportunity, by his own choice, to receive a mortal body. So he remembers us, from our pre-earth life, until now, with clarity. It is why, in part, that his fiery darts hit their mark so often in our lives. However we will always overcome Satan, partly because we have this mortal body. Satan cannot win eternally!

And so I look outside today, and soak in the beautiful spring day. I acknowledge my many, many blessings. I feast my eyes on the final layers of winter snow that top the tip of Mount Timpanogos. I marvel at the variety of the leaves and their palette of green in my back yard. I hear the cooing of the doves and the chatter of the birds, busily working to build nests for their young, gathering food, and flying from tree to tree. The dappled sunshine on my lawn, moves and changes with the sunlight. The flowers are drinking up the warm sun...more now that I am removing the weeds each morning... slowly giving the flowers their full share of sun! My beautiful white Lilac's (that I picked this morning before work) fill my office with their sweet fragrance, bringing me joy! The gentle breeze lifts and seems to play in the leaves and grasses. I can occasionally hear a dog bark, or a train horn (if I am very lucky) and as cars pass by I know the world seems to be moving along just fine. Today I am also grateful for this moment of normalcy...it seems to help my heart begin it's journey of healing.

There are still times when I find myself wondering if this has all been a bad dream and I am going to wake up soon and realize it. And then my heart reminds my head that, yes, I have had a front-row seat in my life these last weeks. It is real. It is my real! 

And I shudder...

And then I breathe...

And then my heart soars with the knowledge that it is possible to survive horrible, oftentimes hard things. And I remind myself (as we did often in those first difficult days) we have done hard things! And I will possibly yet do more hard things. But that's just it...Heavenly Father knows me sooo well. He has created this journey especially for me. Some of it I know now, that I agreed to...some was a bit of a surprise to me here. He will help, as often as I ask. 

A dear friend of mine shared something I had said to her and her husband as they were going through...as he puts it...his "Tumor trauma." I have only a vague memory of the visit, and as I learned a long time ago...when I speak under the influence of the Holy Ghost to someone...the message is for them, and I am not at liberty to recall it. So my sweet friend Phyllis, said to me."Reading your words felt like I had walked into the temple. You have reiterated to me that our trials can and should be a holy place, especially when we step aside allowing the Savior to work His miracles. How blessed we are to have the truth, the understanding, that the power of God can be exercised here upon the earth. I love you."

So today, again, I draw such strength from this perspective Phyllis shared with me. And the many faith-filled prayers so many have offered for our family. I try hard to  remember to step aside, and allow the Savior work His miracles, in my life, and have hope that someday Bryce will feel differently about his miracles, both seen and unseen by him throughout this experience.

So I treasure each moment in my day, give glory and gratitude to the Lord as He continues to... answer my pleas, lift, guide, bless and amaze me. 

The rest of the story...

So today Bryce and Clark went to dot all the "I's" and cross all the "T's" where Bryce's car is concerned. We didn't stay while the tow truck was loading his car on Saturday. I am thinking now maybe that was key to what happened next. 

When they arrived to the impound yard this morning, they were told the car was in Pleasant Grove, not in American Fork, as we'd been told before we left the scene. A bit annoyed, I think, as they were doing this during Clark's work day, they went over to PG and the tow truck driver met them. He told the secretary he'd left the paperwork in his truck. He asked Bryce and Clark to follow him outside. Then he said, "The officer Saturday night told me a bit of what's been going on in your life recently, and I knew if I took your car to AF, or turned in the paperwork here, you would be charged more. So I didn't do either, I wanted to give you a break as well." He proceeded to just charge for the tow...no storage fees! Effectively saving us at the very least, $180! They looked at each other and knew this had been another Tender Mercy. 

Bryce has been attending church with us again, his choice not our requirement. Sunday was fast and testimony meeting. (Where anyone in the congregation may share their personal witness of their own beliefs, thus strengthening those listening.) Bryce had told us a week ago that he wanted an opportunity to express his appreciation for all those there who had offered prayers and love on his behalf. However when Sunday morning came, his back was giving him a lot of discomfort, and as we walked in together he said "I may be out here in the foyer if my back is too bad for the chapel seating."

The meeting progressed and I confess I did pray (and others told us they had as well) that he would have the courage to execute his plan...before I knew it we were effectively out of time. After the last individual had spoken, it felt like we were all collectively holding our breath...I thought maybe that was just my imagination, but someone told me later Brother Little had a look of expectancy on his face...it's like he was waiting for something...

Suddenly Bryce quietly unfolded his 6'5" frame and headed to the front. The very air in the room changed. It was if we could have heard a pin drop...on carpet. At first it seemed no one moved. Then simultaneously everyone leaned forward and listened to every word Bryce uttered. Tears leaked from many more than just our eyes. The Spirit was palpable! We all witnessed the very evidence of our faith, the answer to our heartfelt prayers, the living breathing miracle Bryce was to each of us. He spoke bravely, and candidly of how our trials were Heavenly Fathers way of blessing us. He acknowledged God's hand in his life, and expressed gratitude for all our prayers and faith. He then bore a powerful, but sweetly simple testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel and the power of the Book of Mormon. 

I gave up trying to dry my tears, I was so proud of him. I understood only a fraction of his courage to do what he'd done, but I also knew a very small portion of the profound respect and joy Heavenly Father would be feeling. Oh how this son continues to take my breath away. I love seeing his very soul. I know a little of his struggle with self-worth, knowing his own weaknesses...but his example makes me want to be better myself! I hope someday, he will come to know himself like I feel I know him, that someday he'll feel more deeply of the love we all have for him, family and stranger alike. For now it's very hard for him to recognize his role in saving his own life that fateful night, just three short weeks ago today. As an addict he tries daily to give the credit to God, because he still doesn't feel worthy of the great blessing he's been given, and he knows the totality of staying humble, and surrendering his will to God's.

He has always had such an irresistible, powerful, magnetic influence on me. When he's in a good place, it's like I cannot not  be with him. It's hard to explain but I have experienced it before with him. I know exactly how the Angels feel...they are drawn to him... to love him, to protect him, to lift and encourage him...and yes, even to save him. He's certainly not perfect but to watch him try hour after hour...brings a joy to my soul I didn't know was even possible.

Twice in his earth-life I have walked through the shadow of death with him. Immediately after his birth, and again just recently. Those experiences change a Mother's heart. He hasn't yet read my blog, but many have suggested I need to write a book...so he told me he wanted to write from his perspective before I made my decision about publishing. Today he asked me to read his journal entry....I learned a lot more about him. The thing that he was most surprised at, when he woke up, was how much we all showered him with our love. He was so afraid we- his family- would be mad at him....I don't ever think the memories of seeing his eyes for the first time, or hearing his first words will ever leave the sacred chambers within my heart. They are sweet moments- seared on my soul for eternity. I can honestly say there was never, ever, a solitary nano-second these past weeks, that I wasn't completely grateful to see him choosing life! 

I thank my Heavenly Father every single day for him, and my other children, my grandchildren and my sweetheart Clark. Each are precious to me in ways I cannot even verbalize. I am profoundly grateful for the Savior's great plan of happiness, that promises as I continue to keep my covenants, these precious wonderful family will be mine forever! Eternity will be too short to share with each of them! 

Red light...Blue light...

"Mom I got pulled over." 

In a heartbeat I felt like a child again...I would pick up handfuls of pristine-white sand from my hometown beaches in  Australia, and then spreading my fingers -I would watch fascinated as it slipped silently through my fingers, millions of grains merging together falling, falling in sheets, back to the sand below. Then grabbing another handful I would repeat the process, each time the sand would glisten as the sun hit it on it's journey back to the pile around my toes.

I grabbed my car keys, and raced towards my son....

Visions of the waves crashing over my childhood sand castles, as the tide slowly came in. It seemed the waves were determined to destroy my hard work, gradually the waves would eat away at the castle until it was barely recognizable. Systematically those beautiful waves reached for, and laid waste to my magnificent structure.

In another heartbeat, my still fragile heart, called out "Heavenly Father, please not this...not now...? I slowly pulled in behind, not one set of flashing lights, but two! Bryce was still in his car, not in cuffs on the ground.. that was the first tender mercy...my breath caught as I stepped up to the lead officer, who was seated in his truck again, hoping beyond reason he would at least listen to me.

"Sir, may I please say something...?" He motioned me to wait while he took information through his earpiece, the second officer was watching me carefully, his hand on his holstered gun. I was given the signal to begin.

"I know this is not good but I want you to know 20 days ago he made a very severe suicide attempt. I took home to the AF ER they transported him to ICU in Provo who later transported him to the psyche ward in Salt Lake. He is in a really good place but he is still pretty fragile. I just don't think jail for him right now would be a wise decision. Heaven knows he deserves it, but I just wanted to give you a broader view of my son."

"I smelled marijuana in his car."
"I would be shocked as hell if he's smoked weed in the last 20 days. And I will certainly support your decision."

While the Officer thought about what I said, the other Officer said, "Do you always run interference for your son?" 
It was an honest question, in fact in the last 20 days several had asked similar questions.
I took no offense and replied, "No sir, this no insurance, suspended licence, expired tags, unregistered title...and two previous moving violations, that unaddressed, have turned into warrants, have been a hot topic for months. We have told Bryce if he gets pulled over, for any reason, he would likely be going to jail. And we would not be bailing him out. Every time he walked out the door I would get sick to my stomach. But we were trying to help him take responsibility."

Silence. Praying in my head, weighing in his. More silence.

"I 'll tell you this much, I am not sending him to jail today. I am not sure what I will cite him for. I have cause, so I will be searching him and the car. I can't promise anything more than that right now." Tears filled my eyes and I quietly said, "Thank you, I do understand."

I stepped to where I was told to stand, Bryce joined me after he was searched. I asked him if he'd smoked weed in the last few days. He looked at me with fear, and pain, and honesty and said..."No Mom I haven't, I offered to do a test for him." And then he began to sob, and shake...it became obvious quickly the search was not bearing any fruit. The Officer said to Bryce, "I am not sending you to jail. I am going to cite you for driving without insurance. I will impound your car. This is called a break, you'll never get another one. You understand what a break is? It's a chance to make better choices and continue the path you're on."

I think I'd held my breath so often in those moments, there were stars in my vision...or maybe it was just our many angels through the veil who were showing their support of this incredible young man whom Satan seems determined to destroy. However Satan and his forces would not win today...not in this 24!

And so we returned home. Words can't truly describe the depth of gratitude that flooded my heart. I had worried for so many months about this very scenario! Grateful it was today, not yesterday while I was in Florida. Grateful the officer saw wisdom in a Mother's plea. Grateful Bryce had told us both the truth. Grateful we have another 24!

And now with a slightly different perspective we will address the issues, one at a time, together. Every penny, we now know, that he was earning was feeding his addiction, not his responsibilities. He has asked us to manage his money, he doesn't trust himself yet. So together we will take on the next 24.

I am sooo grateful for this glorious Sabbath and hoping my heart. broken, shattered, bleeding but hopeful can mend a little today as I allow the loving hearts of friends to continue to sustain me, and the empathetic, perfect love of my Savior fill me up during the Sacrament today! Oh God is good!

Sun, sand, sea and sweet memories .

Second only to the Spirit, the sea fills and restores my soul! Today a solitary beach stroll, toes sinking into the sea-soaked sand, as the waves crash, reaching and returning, leaving a gentle array of white happy bubbles around my toes. The breeze is fresh...ok it maybe brisk...but it’s blowing over the sparkling water and lifting the edges of my sundress as I walk.

Settling down on my beach-chair waiting for the waiter to bring me a Diet Coke, the sun is bursting forth from behind puffy white clouds, in a picture-perfect Florida sky and warms me through to my soul.

Again, I marvel at the majesty of the ocean. Powerful, continuously moving, endless and beautiful. Ever-changing, yet forever constant. Filled with shimmering light, it draws me in, offering  peace, joy and a deep assurance that God is in His Heaven and all’s right with the world. As I continue to watch the repetitive rolling waves, my thoughts are sensing the representation of my Heavenly Father Himself in the mesmerizing scene before me.  For surely I have seen, especially in these last sixteen days...His majesty, His power, continuously moving me towards His answers and more faith, endlessly I have His loving support, and beautifully He has shown me His concern. Ever-changing, yet forever constant. He has filled me with His shimmering light and hope, in the darkest moments of my life. He draws me in, offering  peace, joy and deep assurance that He is in His Heaven, and close by. As I have felt His kind embrace, He has whispered “I promise this is My Plan....and all will be well eventually. Take my yoke upon you for I am here with you and will ease your burden.”

Today I realized, ( just as I had done years ago when I finally began to heal from  my childhood of sexual abuse), while I would not want to re-live these last sixteen days, or wish the experience on any other individual.....I am again profoundly grateful for my personal spiritual journey, and growth.

As I walked this morning along the shoreline, the full sensory experience of sights, smells and sounds that are so soothing to me, filling and renewing my battered  soul. Bryce was not far from my thoughts again. I reached for a little seashell, thinking I would take it home to him, as a reminder of our past forays on the beaches of California. A remarkable thing happened next.

As I turned the little grey and white shell over in my hand, checking to see if would meet our seashell-approved standard, I began to study it as a series of impressions came into my mind. This beautiful seashell was perfect for my intended purpose, to bring joy to my son, to serve as a reminder of our shared past and love of the beach, and to give tangible hope to a future filled with happy times again. However....suddenly that pretty little shell spoke such astonishing wisdom to my soul, tears flooded my eyes and spilled down my cheeks. This little shell wasn’t initially made to look like I saw it now, it was once a beautiful safe home for a little sea creature. I tried to imagine what it had been through, losing so much, Being torn apart, tossed incessantly in the mighty ocean, ultimately, permanently broken, it is forced up out of the depths of all that is familiar, to land in a very foreign, unfriendly, strange world....the sandy beach. There to be left, alone, baking in the hot sun, never to be the same again!

And yet, just this morning, I picked up this little shell, marveling at it’s apparent perfection-for wasn’t it the one I’d chosen amongst the others there in the glistening sand? It wasn’t broken, it had pretty color, and it was absolutely perfect for the use I had intended it for! Aren’t we all a little beat up, separated from that Eternal realm and Family we’ve known forever? Haven’t we all been tossed and seemingly buried in pain, heartache and loss? Haven’t we all been thrown into a strange and sometimes unforgiving place? But isn’t this what we love about each other? Don’t we all delight in a partially-broken-seemingly-displaced gem of an individual that we immediately are drawn to
and take into our hearts in joy and thanksgiving? Oh my!

And so these last few days have been fun, filled with so many who know of my shattered heart, who have so kindly, picked me up from “the beach”, and hugged and loved me! Work friends, some whom I’m just face-to-face meeting for the first time, have let me know what a beautiful “seashell”
I am to them. My friend Natalie, when I paused to enjoy my first view of the beach said, “Here let me take a picture of you here, you deserve this” Another dear friend here, Kristen, herself suffering with a difficult disability, hurried towards me, arms outstretched with a beautiful smile on her face saying, “Oh Sharon I just wanted to hug you!” And our CEO Robin himself, meeting for the first time (After a couple of, at first,unrelated email exchanges) swept me into a big hug and pointing to me said “I promise your son will be ok! You’ll see”

And now with this wonderful experience tucked into the soft parts of my heart, I’m heading back home. One last look at the beach, one last glimpse of the palms, one more breath of the warm Florida air...to sustain me again.

A hug...

I have gained a whole new perspective on hugs! I've often been told I give good hugs...at first I thought a hug is a hug...I just want the person to know I care or love them. Some people are uncomfortable with hugs, my sister Beth seems to melt into me when we hug and I love that! Sometimes a genuine hug says all that we cannot say, don't want to say, or don't know how to say. And then there are times when no words are even necessary.
I have received a lot of hugs over the last two weeks...yes it's really been two weeks! Every hug I have received has been the perfect answer to my need at that very moment.

Sunday at Church for the first time, I was already on pretty shaky ground personally, but hug after blessed hug fed my soul! Infused with love, caring, and concern, those hugs enabled me to take my next step! And then on my way to the Bishop's office through an open doorway I looked and saw my brother-in-law Ryan...he hurried to his feet and came after me and just enfolded me in a huge hug, and he just held on and held on. (Clark's brother Ed had done the same thing in the Temple last week at his daughters wedding) He kept holding me until I had the courage to let go, he said not a word, just held me. I still get teary as I think of that seemingly simple act of kindness. To me it was epic, and I seem to never run out of the need to be hugged.

Also on Sunday, a dear friend shared this with me. He said..."We really don't know what, if anything, the angel said when he came to minister to Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane. Nothing is recorded so maybe he just held Christ to sustain Him."

Perhaps it was indeed just a hug...but a hug is never just a hug, from the receivers perspective! Sometimes we feel impressed to offer the hug, other times it's obviously much needed. Whatever the reason to give or to receive a hug, if love, caring or comfort is exchanged then you are indeed standing on holy ground. Ministering in a more holy way, to quote our sweet Prophet, President Nelson. 

I know I will never take for granted a Bryce hug again. When he wraps his long arms around me I feel his love! My Mother's heart aches for those who have lost their loved ones, and have to rely on spiritual hugs instead. And yes before you ask, I totally know those are real! This conversation about hugs then naturally takes me to thoughts of returning home to my Heavenly Father and Mother and Brother Jesus Christ...wow I seriously cannot even imagine how Their hugs will feel. Along with the promised..."Well done thou good and faithful child, welcome back!" Hmmm ... food for thought! Hope for another tomorrow on that journey Home!

Just wanted to share some of my musing today. Bryce is pushing his way through his fourth 24 hours...so far so good. He went back to his employer yesterday and told them he was there to fight for his job. There had been some communication issues, not of his doing, so he wanted to talk to them. They called him last night and welcomed him back beginning next week! He was soooo excited! I also saw the tender mercy in giving him another week before taking on the world again, a perspective taught to me from our sweet friends Gary & Elizabeth. They came and visited Bryce just before he was moved from Provo. Elizabeth said maybe Bryce should look at this as a cocoon to figure himself out before he is thrown back into the world...kind of like when we stay in the hospital after the birth of our baby. I loved that analogy and really hoped the Lord would arrange for Bryce to return to work when the time was right for him. And I believe He did just that.

I hope if we have the opportunity to share a hug with someone near us, we will pour our love into that hug. Everyone needs hugs, more at some times than others. However since we rarely have insight into everyone's heart or personal pain, remember, we may just be answering a prayer with a hug!