Reading the Blog

It has been a difficult few weeks, I wonder sometimes why at times it seems my life is repeatedly hard and difficult, and then I have these flashes of truly incredible experiences. But why can't that formula be reversed? Perhaps it's just the nature of this earthly experience, I know I learn great things as I struggle, and later...much later as the perspective changes I see what the Lord was teaching me.

We knew Bryce was using again...and we were at a loss to know what we were to do. Neither of us was truly surprised because little by little we watched him pushing against and away from the very  things that would arm him with power when Satan came calling again.

But we also know agency is a gift. Oh how hard sometimes to allow that agency to be managed by someone who is truly struggling. We prayed, we fasted, we listened carefully- hoping to glean some grain of wisdom that would help us parent this precious child. All we knew was that he was supposed to be here with us. And so we waited upon the Lord.

We did a lot of forgiving, and finally Bryce broke down...and we began to pick up the pieces yet again. We learned after some truly hellish experiences that he should have been in a medical facility for this detox. However we pushed on through with him, all the while our hearts were breaking all over again. Sometimes it seems we are caught in one of those revolving doors...going around and around and around again...we also feel like we're saying the same things over and over again. Our hope is that one of these times those oft-repeated words will touch the place in him that God has protected until His timing is perfect, and then we will see the light turn on again in Bryce's soul.

So whilst in this mode of asking the Lord "What would Thou have me to do?" I had a startling impression. I barely had the ability to breathe through it...and I absolutely did not want to internalize it. While I didn't ignore it, it seemed to paralyze me. A few days later, I still remember exactly where I was, it came again.."He needs to read your blog." Now I was genuinely disturbed. I didn't even want to acknowledge the realm of fallout this could potentially cause. I was stunned. So then as I pondered this singular experience, the question came to mind...do you trust the Lord? 

What a question! I knew the answer, but then I began to feel deeper, lean into that trust...how far did it go? How deep was this trust of my Savior, and my Father in Heaven? How far was my reach? Was my trust absolute? Was it Eternal?  

As I searched deeply and thoroughly into my very soul....it seemed on every level I found trust for Them. However knowing I trusted Them and acting on Their commands were two very different things.
Gently the Spirit led me, slowly the realization came- They knew Bryce better than I did. They knew his battered soul, only appeared that way through my eyes. They knew Bryce was a valiant son of God. Bryce had already proven himself worthy in the eternal realms before his mortal birth. I must try to look at him through Their eyes. 

Yesterday after another horrible night Bryce came in tears to me, sobbing, he was frightened and had no idea what to do. Before I really even knew what was happening I heard myself say..."Bryce I have had two distinct impressions, that you need to read my blog." I watched his eyes widen at the suggestion, then his face was awash with fear and trepidation. I continued..."just consider it please...this was not my idea."

We have often talked about that if the Lord tells me to do something concerning him, I just had to let him know that, and he would accept it. It's a promise he has always kept even in the darkest of times.

Later as we were planning his next 24 he said, "Tomorrow I'll start reading it." I told him I would be present with him. I was honestly surprised how easily he had accepted this suggestion. I sent out a request to my Spiritual Squad...a very small group of friends who are like-minded in spiritual things as me. I asked them to pray very specifically. 

Each time my fears with their practiced fingers attempted to choke out my faith, I pulled from my newly-discovered well of trust in My Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ...They both knew Father's powerful perfect plan for this chosen son. And so in utter meekness I reached out and drawing upon the power of a specific prayer, I asked them to pray that Bryce can take from this experience, whatever he needs to heal, and that Father's will may be manifest, magnified, glorified and understood.

Bryce began to read, I prayed silently. Bryce read more, and the tears began to fall. I reached for the strength others were sending me on their prayers. Quietly I moved to his side, armed with a box of tissues and a gentle hand on his shoulders. He wept soundlessly, agonizing over what he was reading. He would share later that he remembered parts of his story but not all. He stopped after two or three days of blogging. He went outside to process, but wasn't gone very long when he returned sobbing. I held him and gently whispered "Let it out, let it all out."And then I held on to him as great wracking sobs shook his frame from head to toe. When his sobs subsided he said, "I am so-o sorry!" 
I told him, I know you are, but I have forgiven you, now it's time to forgive yourself.

Pres. Jones comments on forgiveness at our ward conference recently flashed through my mind. He'd said..."there's only room for one on His cross." 
It hit me so powerfully then, and hasn't left. When we fail to forgive...ourselves or others it's as if we are attempting to take His place on the cross! We know that's impossible but....

After Bryce paused his reading he went on to do some writing of his own. He's still processing but told me he intends to keep going. We have a plan for tomorrow's next reading. He asked me to sit with him for awhile yet as he reads, of course I agreed. I told him how proud of him I was and the courage he is demonstrating. Later I kept reading my blog and wept as his story kept unfolding. And with distance and time as perfect moderators, I marveled at the patterns of spiritual gifts that kept emerging. 

What a journey this has been so far, it is not over yet, however I am trying to remember each day all the spiritual gifts I was given during that time. I pause to express my deepest gratitude to my "Squad" I am also grateful to so many who have repeatedly asked after Bryce, and continue to assure me he is in their thoughts and prayers. Please don't stop! I shudder to think where we would be without each of you.

And so as night settles in, I soon will fall to my knees in gratitude for a loving Father in Heaven who knows what each of us need most, for a Savior who gave His all that we might come home to Them. I am grateful for the power of specific prayer and faith-filled friends who take time out of their busy lives to invoke Heaven's blessings on us here. May each of you feel my love for you, is my prayer tonight.