I know I need to write today, I am struggling to complete the book I am writing, and that fight between fear and faith has kept me somewhat silent. So as I sit to write I look out over my yard, the trees are full and green, my lawn is covered in fascinating dappled patterns, as the sun shines through the thousands of leaves.The sky is a summer blue, promising plenty of heat later. The birds are chirping, and it all feels peaceful. I take a deep breath and let it out, slowly willing my heart and mind to relax.
Suddenly the all-too familiar faint thump of the coming helicopter shatter the silence. Louder and louder the rotor blades whir, whipping the air as it passes right over my house. My heart races and tears filled my eyes as I say a silent prayer for whoever is in the helicopter, and especially for those left on the ground. I am not sure why some of these helicopter passes hit my wounded heart more than others. Today it was hard to hear. Last week at lunch with my friend, Judi, we watched three ambulances with lights and sirens pass us, and my tears fell quickly. Maybe it's the re-living as I commit those painful memories of this last year with Bryce, to the printed page, that has me feeling so raw. Maybe it's the anguish I feel as I hear of others in their heartache, trying to stop their personal pain by attempting to take their lives. Urgency that what I have been called to share may somehow ease someone's pain in some way.
In studying the words of Paul in his letter to the Corinthian saints, I think I am relating to what I see as his great desire to love others, as he brings them to Christ. He mirrors what I also know- that we are each given temptations-which the footnotes broaden to test, try, prove- that in our suffering we will come to Christ. And that through our suffering we can later empathize more fully with others, love more deeply, and seek to ease the burdens of others also struggling with their own trials. My brother-in-law Ed suddenly lost his wife a few years ago and shortly thereafter he penned a poignant piece about his being broken not to pieces, but to PEACE. I still am moved to tears each time I read it. When I asked permission to share it as I was teaching, his simple reply was "I knew it was never for me alone." I have thought on his powerful example so often as I have bared my soul during Bryce's crisis, and like Ed I know this experience is not just for me.
Paul teaches we are all members of the body of Christ, and in this community together we are blessed with all the gifts of the Spirit. And we know that these gifts of the Spirit are for the express purpose of blessing others lives. However I also know I can't fix someone else, Bryce included, but I can participate in their healing. I can't fix Bryce but I can be an instrument in Christ's hand to help heal Bryce's pain, to lead him back to Christ, so Christ the Master Healer can do what no one else can do for Bryce-apply His Atonement!
Paul also confirms "God will not suffer you to be tempted (tried, tested or proven) above that ye are able....but with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." (1Cor 10:13 Italics added) If God wasn't going to give us something more than we can handle...why would we need a Savior?
The reminder weekly as we are offered His Sacrament, that He did drink the bitter cup before Him, and that cup is now turned into our blessing. So in my suffering I am walking a path, in a very small measure- similar, to Christ, and that is why when I have done all I can do myself, He steps in, carrying me, thus making a way possible for me to escape. My responsibility to always keep my covenants goes beyond just the blessings they bring me, but also increases my ability, after walking through my own fires, to reach out and lift others, and help them come to Christ. If I am to minister in Holy ways then I must live the things of the Temple. Mary Ellen Edmunds , my MTC Director years ago, once said, "In times of tribulation, hopefully a covenant person is within reach." I want to be that covenant person, living my covenants daily, so I am within reach of those around me who may be suffering.
As I reflect on those I reached for after Bryce's attempt...my covenant-keeping husband, my children (who loved in the most Christ-like manner) my ministering brother, Gary, and my ministering sisters Claire & Heidi. And others who I knew were keeping their covenants, and therefore when I reached out they responded with love. Love is the motivation power behind every Spiritual gift, and every compassionate act. I am bankrupt without love. All these gifts bind our hearts to Christ.
Ultimately Christ's suffering taught Him how to understand my suffering, and my suffering gives me empathy for another's suffering. Charity is coming out of a really hard thing knowing I am going to understand someone else better, I am going to be able to love others more. This cycle of learning ultimately makes me more Christlike. His suffering made Him more able to love me more or better. I think I can hear Him explain, "As I bring you through this, you will be able to bring others through their trials." This then is the very essence of why we can have hope, and peace while we are still standing in the flames, or ashes of our trials.
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