Faith and great anxiety.

The early morning darkness shrouds my world, yet I am beckoned to write. I began reading my scriptures, and one verse was already highlighted and it caught my eye, 2 Nephi 32:9
"But behold I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that He will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul." I had reached for my journal, and felt the impression to blog instead.

Jacob then says "For because of faith & great anxiety..." It has been exactly that these last 6 weeks for me. Wading through some truly terrifying physical experiences, yet not finding answers. Great anxiety? Absolutely! Yet throughout it all my constant prayer has been..."Please Father help us find the right person who will give us answers." And along side that great anxiety- I have  felt peace. Patiently working through each of these medical challenges, unsure of the outcome, but feeling the peace only Christ can bring, in my aching heart. Today I see the 10th Doctor, all who are baffled, 4 ER visits, one ambulance ride, 2 brain MRI's, 3 CT scans, countless EKG's, EEG, Ultrasounds, blood draws, poked, prodded, and questioned. While the Chiropractor seems to have had the most positive impact, I was still in the ER Friday with blood pressure 200/97 !! Then yesterday I was reading the report from Fridays CT scan and three little words that were in bold print caught my attention. Degenerative Disc Disease...C5-6 & C6-7. I looked at it, stunned. I knew I had DDD because of 5 bulging discs in my lower back, but no one had ever identified it in my neck. Realization flooded into my mind, with the ever-present peace, this was likely the cause for all my anxiety. And now I can see my clearly-defined journey, with it's many twists and turns, all becoming the answer to my very specific prayer, of getting to the right individuals who could solve my issues.

I knew with perfect clarity that I was in the Lord's gentle hands all along. The many prayers and good wishes of loved ones and friends certainly were tangible and deeply appreciated. God is good. Miracles were expected, and have been received. 

So back to Jacob and his expression of faith and great anxiety.  My journal entry of February 17th 2016 reads, "I had never seen those two words combined before, yet how true it is. Often those with faith are facing trials that cause great anxiety, and if Nephi & Jacob, prophets of the Lord, can feel that, then I am ok. But so often when our anxiety becomes great we instead doubt our faith. These two-faith and great anxiety- can co-exist unlike faith and fear." Then the entry continues, "Yesterday we buried beautiful little Ella Ranson, 20 months old and called home.Monday night I had gone with Claire Brown to her viewing.This was the first time seeing Sarah & Daniel Ranson. I told Sarah there are no words, only prayers. She said she had truly felt them. They were both filled with such grace and dignity and I know they were being borne up on wings of Angels. Then I stepped to the little white casket and Ella looked for all the world as though she was just sleeping. I was stunned at the cocoon of spirit-filled peace that seemed to surround the three of them. I've seen my share of bodies after their spirit has left them, but I've never experienced anything like this before. I couldn't drag myself away because I was convinced at any moment those big brown eyes of hers would pop open and we'd all be released from this painful nightmare.
So many others expressed this exact sentiment as they respectfully came to sustain the Ranson family. Great faith and great anxiety, but being borne up on the wings of grace from a loving Savior, who was enabling them, whilst knowing that Father had called Ella home because she had completed all that was required of her during her too-short stay in mortality." 
This particular journal has a scripture at the bottom of each page, and I am constantly stunned how they relate to my writings. 
The first one is Alma 38:5 "...as much as ye shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day." 
And then Galations 6:2 "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."

Well this is not what I thought I would be blogging about this morning. But trusting my heart to the Lord, here it is. Someone must need this today also. Faith and great anxiety, trusting in the Grace of God, allowing Him to guide, lift and consecrate my actions. It is truly miraculous as I stand back and watch with perfect faith in Him as He continues to direct His work on the earth. I am grateful to see His hand in the minutest details of my life. May I remember this day to allow Him to be Master of my Soul.