We've made a lot of home-made Ice cream at our house over the years. And to get the 'perfect' ice cream there has to be the calculated balance of time, ingredients, coldness, salt and churning. There have been times when after what seemed like forever...the ice cream maker is finally silenced...and slowly and carefully the lid is raised....and we are flooded with disappointment as the mixture is runny and under-developed. Frustratingly we re-start the maker, add more ice, churn it again...Eventually when that delicate, somewhat elusive balance has been met, then when that little lid is raised and we look inside....we are delighted to see peaks of soft, perfect, ice cream. First comes the "phew" because we are finished...then comes the laughter as we eagerly anticipate the delightful perfection of- ICE CREAM!
Later we ponder that perfect balance, quite necessary to the perfect ice cream. Sometimes we get it right the first time....and other times we must make more effort and attempts.
But that balance is what we are aiming for.
Today as I came into my wakefulness, and consciousness began tug at me, thoughts began to filter into my mind and heart. And slowly the painful events of yesterday's final goodbye with Dakota, moved into focus. At first I wanted to pretend it was all just a bad dream...but then I knew...it was real. We had said goodbye to a beautiful soul, tortured at times for sure, but a light on earth had been extinguished, and no amount of hopes or tears could change that. I laid perfectly still, afraid that if I moved my heart would break into a million pieces and all would be lost.
Slowly my room began to fill with light, as the sun started to appear over the mountain top. When those heavenly shards of perfect light began to reach toward me, I knew with certainty that just like my ice cream the perfect balance for Dakota had been achieved. He had done all God required him to do. Heavenly Father had taken Dakota home, no longer to struggle and suffer with the mortality of earth life and the imperfect physical body. Now Dakota was free to learn and grow and be with those he had lost to death prior to his own.
Just like my ice cream each of us is prepared by loving Heavenly Parents, given the perfect environment of ingredients to become who we are supposed to become, then we are surrounded by such cold...pain & heartache...and churned...tested and tried...sometimes when we think all is lost and we can't go on-Father lifts the lid and peaks in. Sometimes some of us are complete, and sometimes others need more churning to become so. And while many of us would argue that Dakota wasn't quite done here yet...our loving, all-knowing Father has said...now is the time. Dakota has been lifted out of the cold, the struggle and the pain here. He was met with laughter, and family & friends who celebrated his arrival with tears of more joy and more love than I can ever perceive exists.
Slowly I begin to heal as I glimpse the Eternal Plan. I will see him, and Craig and many others that I love again someday. Until then I need to do my best to endure and learn the cold, the churning, the tests lovingly determined by Father to make me how I am to become,the peeking by Heavenly Father....all to see when I am done to perfection.
I have never in my life been so surrounded by tangible sadness, as I was yesterday. I watched so many heartbroken and lost, struggle to come to terms with this separation from our sweet Dakota. It tore at me and beat me up pretty badly. Ultimately I had to walk away, I love each of them so much! However the hopelessness was strangling my core belief...I do live with hope for life after this vale of tears. I know exactly where Craig & Dakota are. I also know that I agreed to much of this life's tests before I ever left Father's presence to accept this mortal body and experiences.
My heart no longer aches for Dakota, I'll miss him for sure. But my heart is hurting for his siblings and parents, and children and friends for whom the struggle is still real. Their lives
are in the churning, surrounded by the cold, I wish they would reach for God's warmth. It breaks my heart all over again as I hold them while we sob in an agony. But I am richly blessed to have warmth and light in my heart nurtured by God. And while my tears may still flow I am doing all I can to be ready when He lifts the lid...and pronounces me perfect to go back home with Him.
And another day begins....I think I'll make some ice cream.
Love ya Koda Bear!
No comments:
Post a Comment