Nearer, my God, to Thee

I feel like my heart has been filleted. There is so much pain around me lately. My sweet friend Jodi, watched her Mother slip through the veil last week. And then sweet Spencer..
At times like this it seems to come all at once, this pain around me. Some days I am not convinced I will ever completely believe that Bryce survived his attempt. There are those quiet moments of reflection, wherein I try to wrap my head around the events of that fateful night....but sometimes it feels like I am watching someone else's life. Then suddenly the reality crashes through my subconscious when I learn about someone else's pain for their loved ones. Last night I learned of another friend, who's child attempted to take her life. 
I ache. I cry. I rage. I pray...for them..and for me too. And I feel so useless..knowing no one can really do much for anyone's shattered heart. However I now understand more intensely the the offers of help in my hour of need. But also I will never forget the power of loving faith-filled personal prayers, offered by others, in my behalf. That sustaining power is tangible to the recipients! And so I pray some more for their aching hearts! 

After finding out about my second friend's heartache, I was faced with driving home from Salt Lake in the rapidly approaching dusk of the day. I knew the drive would require my focused attention...instead of crying myself into a puddle. So as I drove in silent tears, I started a gratitude list of all the things I knew my sweet friend had done to prevent this very outcome. Slowly as the list grew, peace trickled into my heart. I arrived safely home, and learned her daughter would be ok. In the quiet of my home I ached for someone to hold me while I cried. I had made the decision not to tell Bryce. I didn't think it would serve any viable purpose at this juncture. Sitting at my kitchen table, suddenly I heard a gentle knock on my front door...I hesitated thinking I would likely be very poor company right then. However I opened my door to see my "Little" angels, Gary and Elizabeth poised to love me. I told them how desperately I had need of comfort, and they immediately did what they do best, wrapping me in their loving arms, listening, and talking. They ultimately prayed a protecting blessing over my home, both my friends' homes...and extended it to protect Clark and Cassidy as they made their way home.
As with most of our conversations, we discuss spiritual things, and my heart lifted as I witnessed yet another miracle. I felt so loved, by them, by my Savior, and by my Heavenly Father.

Today I ended my busy church-and-calling-day by visiting another ward's Young Women's meeting. This inspired YW President (who knew nothing of my life and struggles recently) began in earnest to teach those beautiful young women of their Eternal value and Divine destiny. As I watched this unfold I looked into the eager faces of some of God's truly incredible daughters and hoped and prayed they would somehow catch the vision of who they really are!. Daughters of the King, Royal Divine DNA flows in their veins, and in ours! We are all children of God. Oh how He loves us! Oh how I love those beautiful, divine, full-of-promise young women! I wish with all my heart that none of them would forget this moment, as Satan rages against them daily. That somehow they would in times of trial, pull from that Divine well-spring within and stand tall. Could we all have that moment of clarity, to remember who we really are?

Maybe we could all walk around with those animated conversation bubbles above our heads delineating our current challenge...think how much easier it would be to help those who were struggling silently!! Can you imagine how much we would want to be kinder to others, to wrap them in our arms and tell them they are loved, to pray for them especially when we are unfamiliar with their current trials? Maybe we can just pretend everyone's burdens are remarkably heavy, and personal, but that our love can heal, and bring peace, if we allow ourselves to be that instrument in God's all-loving and knowing hand.


Today I also was profoundly affected by one line in a hymn I have sung countless time over my life. 

Nearer, My God, to Thee.

"Nearer, my God to thee, nearer to thee,
E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me,
Still all my song shall be.
Nearer my God to thee."

I suddenly realized these words weren't talking about Christ's experience with His cross...
This was my plea to Him, that as I bore the cross of my struggles- those very struggles, and pain and anguish of soul, would ultimately bring me nearer to Him! If I let Him in.

I couldn't even finish singing the hymn, and I returned to the words again and again as this truth settled slowly in my heart. I felt His love wrapping me in a blanket of surety. He did know my agonies, he knew my friends agonies. He even knew intimately of the darkness that saturates the minds, and then removes rational thought as some of His children try desperately to find relief from their pain and suffering...ultimately believing suicide is truly their only option.

Yes His cross has made Eternity possible, but even during mortality my crosses will bring me to Him. That is His perfect plan for each of us!  Oh what a wonderful Sabbath it has turned out to be!