Being in an agony...

I do not believe in coincidences...in fact I think that very word is tossed around so frequently, that it has impeded our ability, to recognize just how often the Lord's Tender Mercies run like a golden thread through the tapestry of our lives. Today I witnessed a singularly stunning example of the chain of recent Tender Mercies culminate into one of the most Christ-like events I can ever recall. 

About six weeks ago I was asked to facilitate one of the classes the Stake was offering, "Personal Finances for self-reliance." Try as I might, my attempts to get out of this assignment, failed repeatedly...until I finally listened to that still small voice. When I realized I was not required to have mastered this skill, or be the resident expert, in fact I was asked to just facilitate and follow the manual, I thought I knew some of the blessings (financially) that might come as a result of this course. My finite mind could not have ever comprehended what the Lord had in His plan for me. 

During the course of the training and preparation meetings of the Self-Reliance Facilitators,
I became acquainted with several other members of our Stake for the first time. One stood out as a kind and humble man. We had several conversations, and bumped into each other at various church-related occasions. He had such a beautiful spirit about him, that I admired.

By the second week of the course I had to miss due to the death and funeral of my Nephew Dakota. My heart aches still, for his life cut short. However moving forward in my life is the way I chose to honor my belief that Dakota is in a better place and no longer struggling. 

Clark & I had an accountability conversation recently with Bryce. While he was doing well in his recovery, we needed him to make a couple of changes. We discussed it and determined an acceptable course of action. Over the last two weeks Bryce has initiated our family prayer every night before bed. We have loved this new experience. Bryce told us he has felt such a difference in his life since doing this, and he has recognized the Spirit more in him and in our home. Today was the first time, in a long time, that he kept his commitment to us to work out in the yard by 9 am. We were definitely liking this new responsive son.  

I think back on my Wednesday this week, I worked, I served on my shift in the Temple. We passed a pleasant dinner with friends. A seemingly ordinary day. Little did I know that not far from us, another family's lives had been turned upside down. I remembered the feeling of standing in a grocery store line, when my world was seemingly spinning out-of-control. I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs...
"Don't you know that I am in the middle of my own personal Hell?" 
How can the world just appear to be going on the way it always has done, when my world was in such chaos? 

Yesterday I discovered the wonderful son of this good man, my new friend, I had so admired, had lost his son to suicide on Wednesday. My heart ached. I cried. I prayed for him and his family. And then a feeling- I am not sure how to even describe, seeped into my consciousness...a feeling to compete with the feeling of intense sadness engulfing my heart...guilt. A sense of somehow being rescued from the ending this family had, but not through any power of my own. I knew immediately I could not know the depth of their pain, but I had walked some of the path they were on. 

I finally sent my friend a text expressing that our love and prayers were with them. And indicated very briefly the decision Bryce had come to in his pain-filled mind, several months ago. He responded with heartfelt thanks for the prayers, sharing that he knew he and his family were being carried by those prayers, and was there a time he could stop by to visit with Clark and I? We arranged it this morning. I wasn't entirely sure why he was coming, but I prayed mightily that if I could be of service to him, that Father would show me His plan.

Bryce was mowing, and my friend asked when he arrived if that was Bryce, having never met him. I told him yes. I knew we were on sacred ground the minute he walked through our door. His pain was palpable. The conversation began about Clark's Moss family line, and they soon discovered they shared a common ancestor. As I watched this playing out before me, I wondered...surely he didn't come to discuss genealogy lines....And then Bryce came in through the back door...I wondered if I should invite him to join us...but instead of going on downstairs as I expected he would do...he walked up and into the kitchen. I introduced my friend to Bryce with the explanation that his son had taken his own life on Wednesday this week.

Bryce gasped and immediately reached out to shake my friend's hand. And then Bryce surprised all of us and joined us in the family room to participate in the conversation. Having just met Bryce, my friend explained: " I had to come over this morning to let you know you are loved!" We were all stunned into complete silence, and tears filled our eyes and fell down our cheeks, all of us were overcome with the love this friend was offering our Bryce. Before any conversation began he asked Bryce if he would be alright with the things we would talk about. He certainly didn't want to add to his pain. The compassion that emanated from this grieving father was breathtaking in it's intensity. We went on to talk for an hour, both about my friends' freshly wounded heart, and the peace he had been given even as he agonized over the loss of his son. And then we shared a little of Bryce's experience. 

Each of us shared something unique. Clark shared that just as we had been taught by a General Authority...who himself struggled with his own wayward children...we all need to rejoice in the gift of agency that each of us has been given. Each of us has to decide how we will use our agency, but it was a gift! 
Bryce shared that there is not usually anyone who can penetrate the plan of suicide permanently. That in the dark abyss of self loathing and depression, ending the pain often seems the only truly viable option. 
I shared that each of us is responsible for our choices, and that none of us can assume the responsibility of another's choices or consequences. 
Clark added...that is us trying to replace the Savior. Paying the price for another's choices is His divine role...not ours!

Our new friend told Bryce he will check up on him from time to time. And wave at him as he passes, so Bryce will know there are people who love and care for him.
After the hugs, he added, 
"You have a beautiful home...I mean it's beautiful what I feel here." It was a completely unexpected compliment, but I knew he'd also contributed to the Spirit in our home by what he had so selflessly done, and taught us all this morning.

Bryce went outside for a minute, and then as he came back inside he said simply, "That was awesome!" We talked about what had just happened...Bryce said "I just had the very clear impression that his son was happily doing missionary work on the other side of the veil. He was no longer struggling or in pain. I also know Bronson was in the throng of family and ancestors of this young man who greeted him with love and joy! I asked Bronson to give him a hug for me."

Bryce went on to say that the real miracle in his life is- that when he opened his eyes in the Hospital the first thing he remembers is my smiling face, so happy to see him. He said he felt pure confusion at my response....he's just tried to kill himself...and I was smiling and telling him I loved him. He's been blown away at how many virtual strangers love him. Slowly in his recovery he has finally been able to let go of the negative self loathing he has lived with in his head for so long...and he has slowly being able to accept the love so many offer him. He said recently he read that the success of recovery is in large measure due to the miracle of love. As he is learning to love himself, he's able to receive love and give it to others equally as freely as it has been offered to him.

Pretty powerful things this beautiful fall Saturday. Yet the thing that dwarfed all else as time went by...this friend in an agony of his own grief, didn't want to pass up an opportunity, to let Bryce, who may still be struggling... know that he loved him...even having only known of Bryce through us. Yet here he sat- in our home, impeccably dressed for a Saturday morning, and in the throws of his own personal excruciating grief, and he sought to offer love to another.

 A scripture came to mind, Luke 22:44 "And being in an agony he prayed...." Here before my very eyes I had witnessed quite possibly the most Christ-like service in a man filled to overflowing with heartache and personal pain, to a degree I honestly hope I will never know. And being in an agony... he was determined to make sure Bryce knew he was loved. 

There are no words.