Which way am I facing today?

I was reminded this week about King Benjamin's address in the Book of Mormon as his final "General Conference" The people came to hear him speak, gathering as families they set their tents up facing King Benjamin, so they could hear him and to avoid any possible distractions. I love the gentle reminder this gives me every time I read it, and every time I think of it, and especially as General Conference starts tomorrow. Which way am I facing? Am I facing towards God's Prophets and Jesus Christ?

While this week seemed to be heading the right direction as we got started, Monday quickly lured me in to a false sense of peace. Bryce asked me to take him to the Doctor so he could get his medications re-started. I was stunned at the clarity of thought that request represented. Clark and I scrambled to get him in to his Doctor, even though he had no openings. Then Clark had to pay off Bryce's delinquent account there to be seen. 

During the course of the visit the Doctor asked Bryce if he had thoughts of hurting himself....the silence was deafening as we waited for Bryce to regain his composure enough to articulate his answer. 
"Yes every single day....but I am not going to."
Doctor then asked, "Where do you feel safe?"
Bryce said, "Upstairs with my parents. That is the only place I feel safe. Downstairs in my room it holds too many bad memories" He goes through phases where he literally lives on my couch upstairs. Prior to this appointment I had summoned specific prayers from my Spirit Squad, that Bryce's medications (which usually take weeks to have an affect) would work immediately.

By later that afternoon Bryce told us he was feeling so much better. While I am sure there is some relief in his mind that 'help' is on it's way, I cannot discount the faith-filled prayers and love from those who were aware of our struggles in that moment. I am so grateful for each of you, who in one way or another strengthen and support us here.

My delight in this right direction was shattered by Tuesday. My spiritual gift of discernment doesn't allow for his lies to go undetected. He also knows while I may not react to his lies, he knows I know when he is lying. And lie he did, multiple times. And as the afternoon wore on, and I was continuing to attempt to keep it all together while I worked....suddenly everything inside me began to quickly unravel. I got off work and sat at my desk and cried. I asked the Lord what I should do and He quickly responded, "Call Sheron." She is my neighbor and has unfortunately had some similar life experiences, so I knew she would empathize completely.

After texting her I needed a hug, I stepped outside to meet here so my conversation wouldn't be overheard by Bryce. Sheron took one look at me from across the street, and bolted through her gate and sprinted to meet me. I fell into her tight hug sobbing. She just held on and gradually I felt I could keep breathing. We talked for awhile and suddenly the garage door opened and Bryce walked outside and put a bag into the garbage can, then went back inside without a word. What I discovered in that bag broke my heart even further. Suddenly I was contemplating calling the police....

Clark came home and we began to talk and I began to rage at all the unfairness, all the sacrifices we were making for a son who seemed not to care. The thought kept running through the chaos of my mind...I just can't take any more...

Then Clark lovingly and quietly said, "Sharon who's side are you on? Because it looks to me like your Momma Bear attitude is in full swing, and I thought you were supposed to be focusing on Christ." I sat perfectly still as the realization washed over me. Somewhere between- being the mouthpiece for Christ, an instrument in His hands as instructed on Sunday-and this raving, angry Mom who's heart was filleted and bleeding and hurting, somewhere, I had witnessed the very miracle the Lord had promised me and somehow, drew the conclusion that His directive was now over. And my focus shifted back to Bryce.

I apologized to Clark and then climbed the stairs and humbly knelt at my bedside to beg for forgiveness from the Lord. I had not lived up to my part of the directive...and He needed me to turn and face Him again. So my thoughts of not being able to take any more, were indeed exactly how I felt, when I wasn't facing the Savior! He hadn't let me down, He was still there, patiently waiting for me to turn back around and face Him again.

So I have learned another great lesson, His directive is as much for my happiness as it is for His Perfect Plan to unfold, in His Perfect Timing, for Bryce- and us. How grateful I am for a strong, loving husband who knew when to say the exact thing I needed to hear. And while we still don't know much about the next chapter of our lives, I can look up and forward in faith and peace. I have been dreading the anniversary of Bryce's attempt, I had so hoped he would have been in a much better place, however, we will take it as it comes. Facing the Savior, I am excited to have General Conference all weekend long, to strengthen me, to lift me, to bind up my aching heart and to help me understand what the Lord needs for me to do now. 

As always, God is Good!