I am enough!

There are times when I wonder how my heart can possibly survive the roller-coaster of emotions that seem to be such a part of this chapter of my life. However I am slowly discovering that a mother's heart can be a place of power. 

This week was Stake Girls camp. I chose to go and in doing so laid my heart at the Savior's feet. I trusted Him to take care of my family while I was gone. I had faith that the Angels would protect us all up at Aspen Lakes. I had patience when things happened that were "not my job" to fix. I felt my love grow for these amazing young women. I felt such gratitude for the leaders who not only planned every detail imaginable, but were there equally present to make it happen, and to empower the girls to grow their relationship with Jesus Christ, and each other. I watched as girls did really hard things, and overcome personal fear! I watched somewhat unlikely connections form, leaders who made themselves available when girls needed to talk, or walk, or be comforted. I watched strong, faithful women grow in their own self-understanding, recognizing the power of uniting with other leaders to forge ahead in faith. 

We had the privelage of also having Sister Shauna Ogden, who is a member of the General Young Women Board, speak to us all. The morning she came, we prayed the Spirit would touch each of the girls in the way they needed, and recognized, during this experience.
It was marvelous, and a delight to look into the young women's faces and see their expressions too. Sister Ogden had us crying, laughing and clapping out the cup song! 
The impact may never be entirely known to me, but the prayers were definitely answered.

President Jones also told us that as he and his wonderful counselors arrived, and paused in the upper parking lot, his eyes were unveiled and he saw Angels surrounding the entire property, and he was given to know.."that the plans the Young Women leaders have made for the Spirit to be here and for the young women's testimonies to grow, will come to pass."

What a sweet start to our final day together! 

And now I have to share the 'tissues miracle' for you see as I was packing I grabbed a travel pack of tissues (I can never be too far from a tissue source for my own leaky eyes) but as I did so the Lord prompted me "Take two." I was like- nah I'll be fine! 
Again, "Take two." 
I started into another room to continue my packing..."Sharon.." 
OK OK I'll take two. And then Wednesday I thought I knew why....

One of our sweet and dedicated leaders Jessie suffered a very serious and quick onset of heat exhaustion. I led her into our room and got her settled on a cot and summoned our awesome nurse Ashley. Suddenly Jessie said, "I need a tissue..." I quickly crossed the room and grabbed the first package of tissues and delivered them to her grateful hand, and as I did so I said quietly, "Jessie the Lord had me bring these for you. He loves you and knew you would need them today." I think I cried more tears than Jessie as I watched this miracle unfold before my now-humbled eyes. 

I marveled at the opportunity I had to serve. You see I have learned that as a Stake Leader my first responsibility is to serve, sustain and strengthen our ward leaders. Second we were to bless the lives of the young women we all loved. And so the miracles continued to unfold as the Lords plan was fulfilled, time and time again, with His timing and exactness.

And then the morning of Sister Ogden's visit came and again following the prompting I removed all the tissues from my car and shoved them into my backpack. Just before she was ready to speak she lamented that she had forgotten her tissues, again in a heartbeat my tissues came out and we laughed together. At one point in her talk, she got very emotional, and reached for those tissues! God knew exactly what she would need, and answered her need before she was even aware of it. 
It was awesome! Another tissue miracle!

On our final day at camp, everyone had dispersed to their ward campsite's for their last testimony meetings around their fires. For reasons I could not explain, I stayed behind in the pavilion, with just a couple of other leaders. Suddenly the wind began to whip the trees into a frenzy, black gathering clouds began to be visible very close to us, several flashes of lightening had us praying the girls would be protected. I knew every campsite had Priesthood with Bishoprics present so I prayed again, that those Angels President Jones had seen that morning, would do whatever was necessary to change the course of that violent storm heading straight for us. We discussed bringing in the flag, (good wife of my favorite scouter- Lover- that I am), and my suggestion was that we let the Angels do their job and we'd all be fine, flag and all. However it was not my decision to make and the flag was brought in. I looked up at those fierce black clouds looming so close to us, I saw raindrops splatter the dusty trails nearly the size of a dime! The wind whipped the flag as we wrestled it inside, and closed all the doors and waited. Just as surely as I had felt those first raindrops, I knew those Angels were now redirecting that storm. I watched with pure faith-filled delight as those clouds held their fat raindrops, and lightening, and marched right around the edge of the property. It was a personal miracle in my eyes! Later as we quickly restored the flag to it's pole, so no one would be the wiser, I looked down into Heber City and it was barely visible through the sheeting rain and violent wind-driven clouds!

And on that amazing miracle my camp experience ended. Memories I shall treasure forever. Moments of miracles always in my mind. Love for those leaders and girls deeper and richer than I would have dreamed possible.

Then from that precious pinnacle of promises fulfilled, today the earth seemed to open up beneath me as Bryce took a nose dive!! He asked me to take him to the Vape Store and as he got back in the car I heard the sound of pills in a bottle, not juice for his Vape.
"What did you buy?"
He rattled off an strange-sounding name...I held my breath..Kratom! NO! 
The last bottle brought him to his suicide attempt 15 months ago.
I asked him what I was supposed to do...
He said, "Forget about this?" No chance of that. 
"I said if I drive away from here and you use in my house, what am I supposed to do? If you use you'll be sleeping in your car, permanently."
My brain and heart were screaming for some divine guidance, but only gentle silence filled my heart..
I stopped the car and said, "Get out." he complied and I drove away, crashing into despair.
Shortly after that I pulled over and called Clark. 
Had I really just facilitated my son's suicide, without realizing it? 
What did the Lord want me to do? 
Would those words be the last, in mortality between us? 
Randomly I thought, well I know he has his license on him, so someone will let us know when they find his body. I assumed the worst, that with no home he would take the whole bottle and be dead by tonight.

About an hour later I got a text...
"Yes I did use, but I got rid of the rest of it. I am sorry but whatever you decide I know it's part of His plan. This was a rock bottom moment, I am ready to do therapy and get serious about work, I can't keep wishing to die..."

And so the roller-coaster continues. I arrived home and we will all talk when Clark gets here. I hoped by blogging I could get some mental clarity, and as I often do, feel Divine guidance for these next steps.

Fighting the feeling of failure Satan wants me to feel, I got a message from my sweet friend Audra, several weeks ago she had asked if I could be interviewed on her blog.(Audraelkington.com) I agreed and submitted answers to her questions. She told me it would post soon. Today it went up and as I read her comments and what I had written the tears fell furiously! What a tender mercy to help me remember how far we have come as a family with this child.

I know the journey won't end today. And as I continue to write the book, I know the Lord will get all these words to whoever He knows need them. I hope whoever reads any of these communications will truly believe that "I am enough" should be a daily mantra for each of us.
For indeed He knows each of us. He knows the words we cannot even say. He knows the thorny trail of tears we sometimes silently walk. He knows we are each precious in His sight, and I know that He would indeed move mountains, or violent thunderstorms, to protect us. And when those storms threaten to drown us He will let us know He is close and will help if we will but reach out to Him.

I am enough!