Lover and I did a day trip to Southern Utah for a quick visit with Judy, our other Mother, on Friday. The time together, coupled with some warmth and sunshine, did wonders for us both. As we laughed together about silly things, I realized it had been a long time since we'd laughed and played together. We had a lovely visit with Judy and came away feeling so grateful for her in our lives.
On the way home a friend suggested I watch the movie Beautiful Boy. The title was familiar to me, as I remembered several others suggesting it as a resource for the challenges we are facing. Clark didn't want to watch it so I started watching it on my phone. Eventually Clark went to bed, and I felt the need to finish it. It was hard to watch, it taught me things I didn't fully understand before, it hurt my Mother's Heart, and it left me wondering about the remainder of the journey we have with Bryce. It also gave me pause about sharing my story with others...and what that would look like and ultimately be like. I lay perfectly still where I was watching the movie, as I attempted to process all I had seen and experienced. My mind started to take me down some very dark and painful paths. Then I discovered I literally couldn't move. I was paralyzed by this dark torture, I was alone. By the time about twenty minutes had passed and I couldn't shake these thoughts, or have my legs respond...the fear began to build inside me. Suddenly the thought came to me, "Read your Patriarchal Blessing." It's on my phone so I quickly pulled it up. Slowly I read. I remembered the day I had received it. I read it again. I read it again, and then the feeling came back into my legs and the light of Christ's enabling Atonement gently edged out the darkness, the fear, the black thoughts. Tears ran down my face as I slowly sat up and acknowledged all I had just experienced. I realized it had been almost twelve hours since I'd had contact with Bryce. And again my thoughts tumbled to the worse case scenarios ...but I didn't have the strength to go downstairs to check on him. Yes often my fear, overwhelms my faith, in this reality.
As I lay my head on my pillow I heard him in the kitchen, he was ok, and then I fell asleep with a smile. However the morning arrived and my heart felt heavy still. I reflected on my conversation with Judy. I'd shared with her that when I look at Bryce I can only see him as he is in this mortal experience. Often he has looked broken to me. However I realize that without the limitations of mortality, Heavenly Father and Christ can see in one glance, all Bryce had become in his pre-earth life, all he is struggling to be here, and where Bryce's journey and choices will take him after he returns to Father. From Father's unique perspective He sees Bryce very differently. He sees Bryce's former glory and who Bryce will become eventually...all at once. By definition Omnipresent.
I shared this with Bryce later and said..somewhat in jest..."I don't know what you and Bronson cooked up in the pre-earth life, but Heavenly Father has tremendous trust and faith in you two. He sure loves you both." And there are times when the veil is parted ever so slightly for me to glimpse the beautiful soul of this boy, he takes my breath away, and I am not really surprised that Satan wants to destroy him.
Today the things I heard and felt in church were answers to this Mother's prayers. In tender exchanges with some of my 'Saint Squad' I felt loved, and supported. Furthermore in a private moment one friend shared things that the Holy Ghost bore witness were true as she spoke. Her strength, perspective and deep spiritual well is my balm of Gilead. She told me "You have a gift to see the lessons while in the fire, and with your gift of words, you are able to lift others while you are hurting. That is Christ-like! You are elect!"
This time I listened as the Holy Ghost stilled my tongue and testified of truth in that moment. I was humbled. Later she told me if she could have one spiritual gift it would be to let others know how much Heavenly Father loves them. And I think she was given that gift today. I knew exactly what she meant because in my calling in the Stake Young Women Presidency I am often His mouthpiece to the young women. I can literally feel His divine love for those daughters...and I tell them as often as I experience this. I had just not ever considered it a Spiritual Gift before. Oh the things we can learn when we're ready!
As I explore the possibilities of sharing this journey with Bryce in a book, or on a website, my associate asked me how I envisioned success. It is definitely not motivated by money, rather I know it is motivated first and foremost because of my desire to be obedient. It is God's will for me to write and share, not mine! I know any spiritual gift that we receive, is to be developed and used to bless His children.
The next source of motivation is out of an abundance of desire to lift and strengthen others. Too many of His children are struggling with addictions,drugs, suicide and need to be sustained on the covenant path.
As I continue on this journey of pain in mortality, I am grateful for the Angels, both seen and unseen, that lift and carry me. My dearest hope is that my telling of these experiences can somehow lift others who may feel alone. As I make transparent my pain, I hope that perhaps my journey will strengthen someone else who will stand taller, knowing they too are children of a King. Divine DNA is within us. He did not send us here to fail, the very idea is ludicrous! He armed us, taught us, prepared us, and loved us enough to give us the hard things to do, because He knows who we are! And we are His, Christ bought us and paid for all our sins, weaknesses and pain. His very palms testify of His love for each of us. Walk tall you're a daughter of God! I choose hope again.
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