Oh weeds....

I have a very large yard...almost an acre, with 44 trees. With a large yard comes an equally large portion of yard-work. My abilities and talents lend themselves to weeds. Occasionally flowers, but mostly weeds. No sooner do I clear one area, than my smile of accomplishment is stripped from my face, as I look back and see those blasted weeds are already reproducing at an alarming rate! It gets overwhelming from time to time. Last week after a particularly rough several days...wherein I learned the origins of the expression "grass roots" I closed my eyes at bedtime, very ready to succumb to sleep when to my horror I realized my mind was displaying the very weeds I had wrestled with for hours earlier in the day!. Seeing these weeds pop into my minds eye unbidden and certainly most unwelcome...gave me pause. Grrrr!

While I have taken a sort of pleasure over the years as I have diligently rid my yard of weeds...this house has been the exception. Not only is it much larger than anything previously we have owned...two consecutive years of shoulder injury, and subsequent surgeries, and hideous recoveries... had left my "garden" unattended, and consequently those weeds think they are in full possession of my yard!  

Never one to back down from a fight, I knew I had to do something, especially as I look out on to this particularly overgrown weed-patch as I sit at my desk to work every day. Knowing my personal history of critical body parts rendering me a bit challenged...hands, back, shoulders...I resolved to begin slowly at this task before me. Fifteen minutes in the cool morning, then thirty, then sixty. Slowly I realized I was at least making progress with my endurance level...however I was sure at this rate fall would be here before I saw any substantial progress.

Saturdays were my delight as I began to do a sustainable 4-5 hours! I opted for the front yard first, rewarding myself with beautiful bark weed-free beds. I also knew I had many friends and neighbors who passed by my house during their walks or runs every day. I convinced myself I was making my yard presentable as an act of service for them! It worked well that day. And when I get fed up or overwhelmed in my back yard jungle...I tell myself, but the front yard looks nice.

This week as the grass-weeds were taking their toll on my poor hands, and each day was a truly painful experience, I remember thinking one morning, "Heavenly Father I could sure use a little help here...maybe a little more hand strength, or a little less resistance from these grass-weeds..." Though the Heavens remained silent as I continued to struggle..suddenly seemingly out out of nowhere a gentle breeze blew across my shoulders and cooled my face. I smiled and thanked Heavenly Father for His tender mercies. 

Other times when my hands kept screaming..."I am done!" I would think just a few more...and suddenly I would hit a patch that was incredibly easier than the others. I would smile and thank Heavenly Father for His tender mercy again. And then I would think...how remarkable that in all the pleas, demands, and heart-felt requests His time is filled with, He still can make me feel like I am His favorite after all! Awesome parenting skills there!

On my final day in one area...I came upon one of our pine trees. The ground below it was covered more with pine needles than weeds-definitely a cause for a celebration- I remembered thinking that not much grows beneath a pine because of the acidity they produce. It quickly became obvious there was some truth to that as I was able to rake the needles away to reveal the dirt beneath in a very short and rewarding amount of time. There were a few hardy grass-weeds which I began to remove. I realized these grasses had very shallow root systems, unlike their now-dead relatives that had been giving me fits for days! 

I pondered this phenomenon  and wondered if I had been like these weeds at one time, under the protection of parents and church leaders, even strong friends, there was a time when my own roots may have been shallow. Like the grass-weeds here, I too had continued to grow and even flourish, in the safety of my environment. However there had come a time when I had to branch out and let my own roots of my testimony sink deeper into the eternal truths I had learned. Even now I recognize there are times in my life of relative smooth-sailing, so to speak, where my testimony may not be challenged, or life is quiet and delightfully peaceful.

However I also know that during the trials of life, where sometimes, my testimony took a considerable beating, I am so grateful for those deep roots, anchored deep into the bedrock of the gospel of Jesus Christ. No matter what the trials are, I can know with deep, fundamental, gentle assurance that I am loved by Heavenly Parents. I have an older Brother Jesus Christ who gave His all that I may have a way Home. The peace that assurance brings is without worldly measure or comparison.

And so the weed saga continues day after day in my own little jungle of a yard...some sessions go better than others. Some  days I do a little and then just relish in the stillness of the summer morning. Those times remind me of the scripture, "Be still and know that I am God." He his in His Heaven and all will- someday- be right with the world. I am slowly learning how to nurture myself, to fill my bucket, so that I can continue to be an instrument in His hands to do His will, and minister in His way.

Fond farewells

Yesterday in Australia, heaven claimed one of it's own. My giant-of-man Uncle Garry finished the course here on earth, and peacefully slipped through the veil. Fortunately I can absolutely envision the joyous reunion he would have had with many loved ones. While he was heartbroken to leave his sweetheart of 62 years, they both have righteously endured, and set us all an incredible example of covenant keeping. Together they have blazed an unmistakable path of the early pioneers of the Church in Australia. Condolences to the Osborn family continue to pour in from all the corners of the globe. Their love and influence together- with their wonderful children, have blessed countless lives.

Everyone knew Aunty Yvonne was my favorite...why else would I fly 17,000 miles to surprise her on her 80th birthday! However my esteem for my Uncle Grumpy Garry grew as I watched him sit for hours patiently explaining to Clark the ins and outs of the worlds most ridiculous sport...CRICKET!  

Uncle Garry worked his magic in the yard..in the dirt, as his great-grandson Caeden said.."I'm going to drop dirt on Papa's coffin because he loves dirt!"  and I ate many a fruit from his labors! He would often break into song, at seemingly random moments...there always seemed to be a song in his heart, a smile, and then a tease...followed by a laugh!

He adored his wife, and loved his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren too. 
And so the veil parted and his spirit moved on, finally free from any pain, ailments or worries. I know he won't be far from those he loves here, and will continue to fight the good fight for the gospel wherever he will be most needed.

I ache for the pain, heartbreak and loss my Aunty Yvonne and my dear cousins are suffering. It's moments like these that I know my heart is definitely not on this side of the world. I wish I could wrap each of them in a big hug, and promise it will all slowly, someday get better ahead. 

But all I can really do from here is be deeply grateful for the sure knowledge that Families can be together Forever! We each do our best and then the Saviour makes up the difference.  

May the Comforter strengthen you-
to bear this burden of pain.
May the Saviour's Atonement heal you-
as you give Him your grief.
May Father's loving arms hold you-
as you weep with each new wave of sorrow.
May the love of those who surround you-
help you face each new dawn with hope.

All my love, forever!

Steps...

Steps, measurements through life. Happy events we quantify by steps, progress, patterns and roles. Steps to bless the baby when he's born and declared ours to train and guide, during mortality. 
Chubby little fingered fists holding you in a vice-grip, as baby struggles to master that walking thing..those first steps. An adorable, contagious grin, this is merely the
beginning as they recognize their independence and freedom. First the finger grip, then more steps along the couch, still reaching for new things, people and places. Too soon they take off on their cute little legs, trying desperately to make all the bits go together the right way...and then trying it alone!
Suddenly it seems they are riding some contraption that involves numerous wheels...
Oh be still my heart!  
And on and on they go.. steps for climbing the stairs, steps up on to the trampoline...to get the ride of their  life from the bigger kids. We see their steps that are taking them on to new paths to explore ahead. 
Steps into the lake to go fishing, with Grandpa. 
Steps down the cliffs to the ocean..
Steps along the wet, golden sand at the beach, where the waves crash and then ebb back to the ocean, leaving traces of water on the sun-drenched, sparkling sand.
Steps to kindergarten, where he learns about others and his world from others. 
Steps to the school bus, new friends, and adventures....

And so it goes...time after time steps are milestones as mortality goes on.

Sometimes we see the glistening sands as our steps leave their temporary mark as we desperately seek answers to life's struggles. Sometimes our journey of steps is lonely, hard, long and difficult to see ahead.
Sometimes we make choices..and take steps in the wrong direction.

1308 days ago I made a choice to turn my will over to God to find healing for my food addiction. I chose to not eat flour or sugar, and I haven't done so since then. I learned, in this process, about the 12-steps in recovery of the world-renown AA program. I  began to take those steps to heart in my own recovery. Later those steps would allow me to lead Bryce to his own 12-step program in recovery as he entered into Rehab. Unfortunately since them some of his steps recently had taken him down one of those wrong-turn paths.
Now 42 days after Bryce awoke, he has started his steps to recovery. Yesterday he reached step 4- Taking Personal Inventory. I feel empathy for him as I remember how hard this is, as it requires going back and doing inventory of past choices...
We silently observed as he began this process...after an hour or so he fell sobbing into my arms. I gently told him, "You are good. You have made bad choices...but you are a good person, and you are loved!" 

He was pretty low yet said he knew Heaven was helping him...there's no way he could have done this before....clean. Of course the Mother-Bear comes out again...in my head only...as I watch him suffer, yet I see him show such strength and courage! 

Much later, I heard the crunch of the driveway gravel as the tires rolled slowly over it. My heart stalled out for one exaggerated beat...and I leaped from my bed shedding the tangle of sheets and blankets. Grabbing the windowsill to steady myself, I leaned forward and with my forehead against the cool glass, I watched his brake lights shine through the darkness, as he turned the car towards the street...away from home. 
"Father...please keep him safe...I love him, and I know this is hard. Please bring him home again. Safe." 
Silent tears streamed down my face. I felt my knees begin to buckle, I wanted to scream, I wasn't convinced my heart could take another blow.

Instead I rushed down to my phone and frantically called him...as I was dialing,Clark said..."He's feeling much better now..." Suddenly Bryce answers my call..."Oh hey Mom what's up?" I slumped into the kitchen chair, swamped by relief and gratitude. "Just wanted to tell you that I love you!"

Steps..some days baby steps are all I can manage.
I hope fear and concern won't dog my steps every day...maybe just once in awhile instead....
However, as long as my daily steps are aimed back to Heaven...these earthly steps will become easier I know!

Slowly I take the steps to my bedroom, already offering my thanks to my loving Heavenly Father, who so perfectly understands my every step.

Charlotte...where's her web?

Yesterday I had a little "ah-ha" moment...the kind that sneak up so unexpectedly...seemingly so random to the surrounding discussion... I am not even convinced it was actually verbalized, maybe it was just the Holy Ghost teaching me. Remarkable in and of itself.

I was reminded when the children of Israel were wandering in the wilderness...and the Lord began to feed them every day with Manna from Heaven...and after awhile, some thought they could collect two days worth of food? They learned the hard way that God said what He meant, and meant what He said. He blessed them as they were obedient. The saved Manna was inedible the following day!

I get the lesson of obedience...exact and immediate obedience even. 
Pres Nelson said," Obedience brings success...exact obedience brings miracles." 
However this time the spirit gently nudged me to my own application of this historical experience.

The Lord gave His children a 24-hour commandment. Manna for one day, a 24-hour window, similarly He gave Bryce a 24-hour window. 
Suddenly the reality dawned upon me, He had done this before! 
He understands the frailties of mankind! 
So in His infinite wisdom He knew 24-hours was what we could handle to assist Bryce in his recovery. Then the Lord's prayer came to mind..."Give us this day our daily bread..." 

Quietly the Holy Ghost confirmed to my heart that this 24-hour day plan was indeed what the Lord wanted for Bryce. Even though I had been told before, and then confirmed again, this moment... it was still the right thing to do. Warmth filled my heart, as I knew we would continue to see His miracles and Tender Mercies.

I heard a song lyric recently that seemed to fit very well.

"I need all the cracks in my shattered heart
'Cause that's where His love gets in."

Indeed, my heart is slowly healing, as I continually try to let His love in. And when His love comes in, it is a beautiful thing!

While working on my never-ending weeds out side in the early hours of each day last week, I came upon several spiders, whose safety I seemed to be a constant threat to. Most merely scurried out of my way. However, twice I saw a Mamma Spider desperately trying to flee...with her egg sac. It stopped me cold as I watched her risk her life to save her babies. 

I sat motionless each time, even though I loathe spiders-who wouldn't after being raised in Australia where some of the deadliest spiders of the world reside there also? It would have been easy enough to kill both Mamma and her babies...who would no doubt grow up to be my enemies too! But something stronger stayed my hand in those moments. Suddenly I felt almost a respect for a Mamma doing whatever was necessary to save her offspring. I felt a strange kinship even, with those spiders, as I reflected on my recent Mamma Bear experience with Bryce. I saw the parallels clearly, and so I then waited patiently until they moved to an undisturbed patch of weeds. 

As I waited, my perspective expanded, and I thought of Heavenly Father, who I am sure, often has to wait for me to get to a safe place before He can teach me more. Just like my epiphany yesterday...He patiently waited to teach me and remind me of His plan in my life, and that of His plan for Bryce also! I know without any doubt that He has an individualized plan for each of His children. What comfort that alone brings me, as I struggle to do what is right, and all He asks of me.

I had an opportunity also last week to retrieve some of my frozen baked goods as I accepted the call to minister for Him. Both experiences touched my heart deeply. And as I drove home afterwards...I realized I had been able to minister without draining my reserves. My heart was filled up instead! I marveled at this Tender Mercy, I am feeling so very blessed. 

So while we continue to live one day at a time, with Bryce, I see His hand in our lives and am grateful for each Tender Mercy. Bryce is learning more about himself, and his choices as he continues to succeed living each 24-hours. He is doing really well and it is so awe inspiring to watch The lord manifest His plan for Bryce- to Bryce. 

Tears...then peace

In a matter of minutes there was chaos everywhere...I look out over our yard now, after the fierce winds that stripped my trees of hundreds of leaves, several branches, and left the air cooler but gritty with dirt from who knows where. And just as suddenly as it had come... it was gone! I wish the wind had a clean-up crew following in it's wake!! With 44 trees on our property one can imagine the potential for problems from a wind such as this. Just yesterday I admired all the hard work that had left our yard tidy, clean and beautiful. And now it is littered with leaves and branches that will never grow again, destined to the burn pile behind the workshop....

How like our lives at times...peace.. then chaos.. but then peace again. The analogy was not lost on me today. Sometimes we have to hang on and ride out the storms of life...but with the promise of peace, we keep moving slowly forward.

Seminary graduation, celebration. These incredible high school seniors were being recognized tonight. They had spent over 100 hours- each of their four years of high school- totaling some 491 hours, in religious education! In fact there are certain countries in the world who require this length of religious training to allow these marvelous youth to enter those countries as "missionaries' for our church. No small measure of these students dedication. I felt a sense of pride as I watched them, knowing both the world and our church will be in good hands, as they begin to carve out their personal impact in the coming days, months, and years. Some I knew a little, some only just a bit...but I was proud of all this night represented to each of them.

I suspected this event tonight may be hard for me. I had hesitated to go, feeling a little raw and very burdened today. Ultimately I chose to go, knowing somehow, on some level that as President Nelson has said.."Obedience brings success...immediate obedience brings miracles." 
I hoped with all my heart that my miracles hadn't hit an imaginary limit...I needed a miracle today, but I knew just asking for it was not enough. I had to walk by faith, I had to put others needs before my own, I had to serve in my calling to the best of my capacity, and knew the Savior would make up the difference. So I went very early, choosing a seat close to an exit...just in case...and I was desperately hoping the Spirit of God would meet me there with comfort, and peace. He sent an angel, my sweet Elizabeth, to sit by me, wrap me in her love, and stay strong when I fell to pieces.

The closing song was "Teach me to walk in the light of His love..." That was my personal undoing...I have only just begun to sing in church again. I am not sure what connects the hymns or songs to my eyes...but...I felt my throat close up and tears fell from my eyes. I wish I had an on/off switch for my tears sometimes...

The reality of my mortality hit me with force, as I pondered. Why, when I had done all the things I was supposed to do raising my children, why did my ending turn out so differently than others? I felt such a gaping hole in my heart...my Mother's heart ached as I felt these emotions wash over me. I gave up trying to discreetly catch the stray tear...it became a full-blown waterfall cascading over my cheeks. I hurt! It seemed today I felt my personal burdens with an intensity that took my breath away.  Elizabeth , and others, loved me on through my tears and heartache...offering their love and support and kind words. 

Slowly I felt the pain ebb and flow, and while others may struggle to understand this particular pain, I knew Heavenly Father also knew. And while I hope my children never fully know my pain this way, I know other parents who also know only too well the pain of a child's choice. I wish no parent knew this pain...and yet it is not for us, the parent, to decide or control.

I stepped outside to my car, in anguish borne of love, I cried out to Heavenly Father. Please...it was all that came out...Please... my heart continued to beg...Please let Christ's Atonement swallow my heartache...no sooner than the word had formed in my mind and heart...it was answered. Peace flooded my heart, filled up all the holes, eased me from a state of pain. Even though I have felt the redeeming power of Christ's Atonement many times, it still never ceased to amaze me how truly available it is for the asking. Instantly, completely, perfectly I am filled with peace. Balm to my aching heart. I am humbled and grateful for this gift!

Just like the leaves and branches scattered on my lawn at home, there were broken dreams, unfulfilled hopes, times I could never recover, things in my heart that would never grow again here in mortality, yet even after the chaos, peace remained. 

Peace as only the Lord can give...I yet have Eternity to see some miracles happen. I will resolutely hold to that hope. I will place my fears at His feet, yoking myself to Him, and I will trust that He will make all be well someday. I feel His love. I am so grateful for His complete awareness of each of us as we struggle to do His will. His aid is undeniable and I am always so grateful for another day ahead of me. Another 24 for me too! 

My weed garden, with a few flowers

Today I am not scheduled to work, so it's been nice to slowly get ready, and chat with my 'boys' Bryce and Lover before they each left. Tranquility is what I feel within my home this morning. It is a welcome relief and change. Slowly all our hearts are healing I believe.
Bryce has twice the healing so to speak...physical and emotional/spiritual. He is doing remarkably well. I am forever the optimist, thereby choosing to see the best.

This still, quiet, beautiful spring morning, filled with promise, seems to be the perfect setting to acknowledge that today Bryce has been clean and sober for 30 days! 
It's a big deal in his AA program, and it's a big deal in my heart too! 
30 days ago he stepped back in to his life conscious. 
30 days ago he spoke his first words in this second-chance in mortality.

His first, and predominant emotion was profound love for us, his whole family, and gratitude to be alive. I am aware that others experiences may differ dramatically... that this joy upon waking, especially after such a severe attempt, is rarely the case. Many wake up angry that somehow they hadn't succeeded. Others never wake up at all. If this is you, my heart aches for each of you. And I pray you will find comfort and peace in the coming days.
We know what an incredible gift Bryce, and us, have been given. 
We are profoundly grateful every single day.

Each day now, while never perfect, and not without significant challenges, is still a gift Bryce is grateful for. I love that, more and more, I am seeing raw honesty in him...this level of willing honesty has been completely absent for many years. I know now one of the reason's I was given the gift of discernment, was because of Bryce. God has allowed me to see through Bryce's lies and deceit. And while there were plenty of times I was powerless to act on my spirit-given knowledge about him (and my other children) it was almost like my loving Heavenly Father was saying.."Be still and know that I am God, these were my children long before they were yours. I know how you are feeling and I am also seeing the truth- even with  the lies. All will be well. I got this too."

So 30 days is indeed a big deal! But here's to the next 24 hours! 

I had a sweet friend Heidi, check in with me this morning, as she often does. 
Her Mother-heart has also seen heartache and sorrow in her extended family. 
So it is exquisitely bitter-sweet when others who share similar pain, reach out to me. 
I hope someday I can follow Heidi's example of strength and pay it forward so to speak... 
and gently minister to other hearts that may be aching. 
We were challenged recently in Relief Society to pray for opportunities to minister to others around us. I pondered that challenge at length...and as I knelt to pray one morning I said... "Heavenly Father I am not confident if you answered my plea to find someone to minister to, that I could actually have the emotional reserve to do it. Some days it's all I can do, after drawing on the many prayers being sent heavenward from those who love me, that I can actually put on my headset and begin taking calls for work...not knowing if someone, unintentionally, would say something that would shatter the tenuous hold I have over my emotions right now. So I am just not sure I could obediently carry out Thy wishes..."

Gently the silent answer came through the Holy Ghost to my mind, 
"Just bake. Bake then freeze everything. Then when you are ready to respond to a ministering opportunity, you'll have something to share physically, until you are ready emotionally."

My heart soared as I could feel my closed eyes filling with grateful tears. Bake. Just bake. 
I had been aching to bake for several weeks, because it has always been for me a way to express my love, and to lift others hearts. However I never eat what I bake anymore...no not even a lick of the finger...but I love to bake, and have learned to appreciate smell on a much deeper level. I smiled, and marveled again how truly brilliant Heavenly Father is!  
So sometime if you become a recipient of my culinary efforts, please know while I may be bringing you something sweet...it is also being driven by a Heavenly Father who loves you dearly!.

As I sat to write this morning, I looked out my window and my eyes were drawn immediately to the lovely splashes of color, strategically planted in my back yard by my darling friends Heidi & Claire...(with a little help from Tal I am sure). As my eyes lingered over the sight, I felt the beginnings of a powerful metaphor gathering in my mind. I kept my gaze on the flowers....trying to avoid feeling my hatred of the snails who thought Christmas had come in the form of a white Gerber Daisy...grrrr....so back to the flowers. I realized I still had more weeding to do, but the flowers were blooming exactly where they had been planted, and didn't seem to mind a little competition from my weeds. Then the clarity of understanding filled my soul.

I overlook the weeds to focus in on and enjoy the flowers! 
It's like I barely acknowledge the weeds are there. 
I realized with deep assurance that my Heavenly Father overlooks the weeds in my life! 
My 'weeds' of sin, pride, disobedience, (I could go on but why ruin a perfectly good thought...)  and He lovingly focuses on my personal flowers. 
My willing heart, the times I am obedient, particularly to His urgent personal revelations to me. When I keep my covenants, when I serve Him and others. When I am brave even when I certainly don't feel brave inside. When I do hard things. 

So from this day forward I will try very hard to continue to focus on my flowers in my back garden, and the flowers- metaphorically speaking- in my personal life, instead of the weeds. However, just like in my flower garden, where I will continue to work at removing the weeds, all the better to see my precious flowers, so also in my life I will continue to work hard to remove my personal weeds. Weeds that may be overshadowing the ability to have my gifts and talents shine through to bless others. 

It is my prayer that I may more fully develop my personal spiritual gifts, and be more of an instrument in the hands of the great Master Gardner, the Good Shepherd and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Mosiah 18:26

As I was reading the Book of Mormon recently, I read this verse, again, but this time the Spirit opened my eyes and heart. And I wanted to record what happened, so I decided to share here.

Mosiah 18:26
"And the priests were not to depend upon the people for their support; but for their labor they were to receive the grace of God, that they might wax strong in the Spirit having the knowledge of God, that they might teach with power and authority from God."

The rewards of laboring in the Spirit for the Savior are gifts of the Spirit from God-

1) Receive the grace of God
That beautiful enabling power given by Him who gave His all that we may come home to Him. He who gave us life, blessing us that we may be enabled to do His work-whatever that may be. Enabling spiritual awakening, deeper understanding, more obedience to His word. We must receive this divine gift, willingly, not just waiting for it to appear. We must live worthy of it, humbly ask for it & continue to receive it- over and over in the shifting scenes of our mortality.

2) Wax strong in the Spirit
These Book of Mormon people were very accustomed to hard physical work, laboring was part of their everyday lives, and they did it well. So learning to labor in the Spirit was something they could immediately, and personally, relate to! And they knew laboring brought strength physically, so as they learned to labor spiritually-the blessing of waxing strong in the Spirit was an immediate and recognizable blessing.

3) Having the knowledge of God
Can we know the mind and will of God?
Absolutely, only in and through the power of the Spirit of the Holy Ghost- the ultimate teacher-can we gain knowledge of God. As we learn to live with the Spirit our knowledge of God expands and we become more like Him. As we serve as He wants us to serve, as we learn what He wants us to learn, and as we accept His tutelage under the Spirit of the Holy Ghost we gain the knowledge of God.

4) Then...
we might teach with the power and authority from God. We become His mouthpiece, His instrument, and through these gifts of the Spirit we become more like Him and bless the lives of others in this mortal realm.

I have watched in awed respect others serving the Lord spiritually, and constantly amazed at the deep reserve of spiritual strength they seem to have. I know service takes an exacting toll on our lives, however some seem to just diligently keep on the covenant path. I wish I was more like them. When this new understanding was given to me, I began to see service through new eyes. And I began to believe these gifts could be achieved...by anyone willing to follow this sacred pattern. What a beautiful blessing this was to me...lifting me, inspiring me, encouraging my baby steps towards God, filling my parched soul with life-giving water.

Oh how I love the Lord!