Today I am not scheduled to work, so it's been nice to slowly get ready, and chat with my 'boys' Bryce and Lover before they each left. Tranquility is what I feel within my home this morning. It is a welcome relief and change. Slowly all our hearts are healing I believe.
Bryce has twice the healing so to speak...physical and emotional/spiritual. He is doing remarkably well. I am forever the optimist, thereby choosing to see the best.
This still, quiet, beautiful spring morning, filled with promise, seems to be the perfect setting to acknowledge that today Bryce has been clean and sober for 30 days!
It's a big deal in his AA program, and it's a big deal in my heart too!
30 days ago he stepped back in to his life conscious.
30 days ago he spoke his first words in this second-chance in mortality.
His first, and predominant emotion was profound love for us, his whole family, and gratitude to be alive. I am aware that others experiences may differ dramatically... that this joy upon waking, especially after such a severe attempt, is rarely the case. Many wake up angry that somehow they hadn't succeeded. Others never wake up at all. If this is you, my heart aches for each of you. And I pray you will find comfort and peace in the coming days.
We know what an incredible gift Bryce, and us, have been given.
We are profoundly grateful every single day.
Each day now, while never perfect, and not without significant challenges, is still a gift Bryce is grateful for. I love that, more and more, I am seeing raw honesty in him...this level of willing honesty has been completely absent for many years. I know now one of the reason's I was given the gift of discernment, was because of Bryce. God has allowed me to see through Bryce's lies and deceit. And while there were plenty of times I was powerless to act on my spirit-given knowledge about him (and my other children) it was almost like my loving Heavenly Father was saying.."Be still and know that I am God, these were my children long before they were yours. I know how you are feeling and I am also seeing the truth- even with the lies. All will be well. I got this too."
So 30 days is indeed a big deal! But here's to the next 24 hours!
I had a sweet friend Heidi, check in with me this morning, as she often does.
Her Mother-heart has also seen heartache and sorrow in her extended family.
So it is exquisitely bitter-sweet when others who share similar pain, reach out to me.
I hope someday I can follow Heidi's example of strength and pay it forward so to speak...
and gently minister to other hearts that may be aching.
We were challenged recently in Relief Society to pray for opportunities to minister to others around us. I pondered that challenge at length...and as I knelt to pray one morning I said... "Heavenly Father I am not confident if you answered my plea to find someone to minister to, that I could actually have the emotional reserve to do it. Some days it's all I can do, after drawing on the many prayers being sent heavenward from those who love me, that I can actually put on my headset and begin taking calls for work...not knowing if someone, unintentionally, would say something that would shatter the tenuous hold I have over my emotions right now. So I am just not sure I could obediently carry out Thy wishes..."
Gently the silent answer came through the Holy Ghost to my mind,
"Just bake. Bake then freeze everything. Then when you are ready to respond to a ministering opportunity, you'll have something to share physically, until you are ready emotionally."
My heart soared as I could feel my closed eyes filling with grateful tears. Bake. Just bake.
I had been aching to bake for several weeks, because it has always been for me a way to express my love, and to lift others hearts. However I never eat what I bake anymore...no not even a lick of the finger...but I love to bake, and have learned to appreciate smell on a much deeper level. I smiled, and marveled again how truly brilliant Heavenly Father is!
So sometime if you become a recipient of my culinary efforts, please know while I may be bringing you something sweet...it is also being driven by a Heavenly Father who loves you dearly!.
As I sat to write this morning, I looked out my window and my eyes were drawn immediately to the lovely splashes of color, strategically planted in my back yard by my darling friends Heidi & Claire...(with a little help from Tal I am sure). As my eyes lingered over the sight, I felt the beginnings of a powerful metaphor gathering in my mind. I kept my gaze on the flowers....trying to avoid feeling my hatred of the snails who thought Christmas had come in the form of a white Gerber Daisy...grrrr....so back to the flowers. I realized I still had more weeding to do, but the flowers were blooming exactly where they had been planted, and didn't seem to mind a little competition from my weeds. Then the clarity of understanding filled my soul.
I overlook the weeds to focus in on and enjoy the flowers!
It's like I barely acknowledge the weeds are there.
I realized with deep assurance that my Heavenly Father overlooks the weeds in my life!
My 'weeds' of sin, pride, disobedience, (I could go on but why ruin a perfectly good thought...) and He lovingly focuses on my personal flowers.
My willing heart, the times I am obedient, particularly to His urgent personal revelations to me. When I keep my covenants, when I serve Him and others. When I am brave even when I certainly don't feel brave inside. When I do hard things.
So from this day forward I will try very hard to continue to focus on my flowers in my back garden, and the flowers- metaphorically speaking- in my personal life, instead of the weeds. However, just like in my flower garden, where I will continue to work at removing the weeds, all the better to see my precious flowers, so also in my life I will continue to work hard to remove my personal weeds. Weeds that may be overshadowing the ability to have my gifts and talents shine through to bless others.
It is my prayer that I may more fully develop my personal spiritual gifts, and be more of an instrument in the hands of the great Master Gardner, the Good Shepherd and Savior, Jesus Christ.
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