In a matter of minutes there was chaos everywhere...I look out over our yard now, after the fierce winds that stripped my trees of hundreds of leaves, several branches, and left the air cooler but gritty with dirt from who knows where. And just as suddenly as it had come... it was gone! I wish the wind had a clean-up crew following in it's wake!! With 44 trees on our property one can imagine the potential for problems from a wind such as this. Just yesterday I admired all the hard work that had left our yard tidy, clean and beautiful. And now it is littered with leaves and branches that will never grow again, destined to the burn pile behind the workshop....
How like our lives at times...peace.. then chaos.. but then peace again. The analogy was not lost on me today. Sometimes we have to hang on and ride out the storms of life...but with the promise of peace, we keep moving slowly forward.
Seminary graduation, celebration. These incredible high school seniors were being recognized tonight. They had spent over 100 hours- each of their four years of high school- totaling some 491 hours, in religious education! In fact there are certain countries in the world who require this length of religious training to allow these marvelous youth to enter those countries as "missionaries' for our church. No small measure of these students dedication. I felt a sense of pride as I watched them, knowing both the world and our church will be in good hands, as they begin to carve out their personal impact in the coming days, months, and years. Some I knew a little, some only just a bit...but I was proud of all this night represented to each of them.
I suspected this event tonight may be hard for me. I had hesitated to go, feeling a little raw and very burdened today. Ultimately I chose to go, knowing somehow, on some level that as President Nelson has said.."Obedience brings success...immediate obedience brings miracles."
I hoped with all my heart that my miracles hadn't hit an imaginary limit...I needed a miracle today, but I knew just asking for it was not enough. I had to walk by faith, I had to put others needs before my own, I had to serve in my calling to the best of my capacity, and knew the Savior would make up the difference. So I went very early, choosing a seat close to an exit...just in case...and I was desperately hoping the Spirit of God would meet me there with comfort, and peace. He sent an angel, my sweet Elizabeth, to sit by me, wrap me in her love, and stay strong when I fell to pieces.
The closing song was "Teach me to walk in the light of His love..." That was my personal undoing...I have only just begun to sing in church again. I am not sure what connects the hymns or songs to my eyes...but...I felt my throat close up and tears fell from my eyes. I wish I had an on/off switch for my tears sometimes...
The reality of my mortality hit me with force, as I pondered. Why, when I had done all the things I was supposed to do raising my children, why did my ending turn out so differently than others? I felt such a gaping hole in my heart...my Mother's heart ached as I felt these emotions wash over me. I gave up trying to discreetly catch the stray tear...it became a full-blown waterfall cascading over my cheeks. I hurt! It seemed today I felt my personal burdens with an intensity that took my breath away. Elizabeth , and others, loved me on through my tears and heartache...offering their love and support and kind words.
Slowly I felt the pain ebb and flow, and while others may struggle to understand this particular pain, I knew Heavenly Father also knew. And while I hope my children never fully know my pain this way, I know other parents who also know only too well the pain of a child's choice. I wish no parent knew this pain...and yet it is not for us, the parent, to decide or control.
I stepped outside to my car, in anguish borne of love, I cried out to Heavenly Father. Please...it was all that came out...Please... my heart continued to beg...Please let Christ's Atonement swallow my heartache...no sooner than the word had formed in my mind and heart...it was answered. Peace flooded my heart, filled up all the holes, eased me from a state of pain. Even though I have felt the redeeming power of Christ's Atonement many times, it still never ceased to amaze me how truly available it is for the asking. Instantly, completely, perfectly I am filled with peace. Balm to my aching heart. I am humbled and grateful for this gift!
Just like the leaves and branches scattered on my lawn at home, there were broken dreams, unfulfilled hopes, times I could never recover, things in my heart that would never grow again here in mortality, yet even after the chaos, peace remained.
Peace as only the Lord can give...I yet have Eternity to see some miracles happen. I will resolutely hold to that hope. I will place my fears at His feet, yoking myself to Him, and I will trust that He will make all be well someday. I feel His love. I am so grateful for His complete awareness of each of us as we struggle to do His will. His aid is undeniable and I am always so grateful for another day ahead of me. Another 24 for me too!
You are such a powerful force for good eveywherev you go! Like a magnificent fully grown maple tree you drop countless seeds of goodness everywhere. You may not be able to see where those seeds land and be able to watch them grow- but be assured that they are real and growing everywhere!! Love you my awees friend!
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