"Mom I got pulled over."
In a heartbeat I felt like a child again...I would pick up handfuls of pristine-white sand from my hometown beaches in Australia, and then spreading my fingers -I would watch fascinated as it slipped silently through my fingers, millions of grains merging together falling, falling in sheets, back to the sand below. Then grabbing another handful I would repeat the process, each time the sand would glisten as the sun hit it on it's journey back to the pile around my toes.
I grabbed my car keys, and raced towards my son....
Visions of the waves crashing over my childhood sand castles, as the tide slowly came in. It seemed the waves were determined to destroy my hard work, gradually the waves would eat away at the castle until it was barely recognizable. Systematically those beautiful waves reached for, and laid waste to my magnificent structure.
In another heartbeat, my still fragile heart, called out "Heavenly Father, please not this...not now...? I slowly pulled in behind, not one set of flashing lights, but two! Bryce was still in his car, not in cuffs on the ground.. that was the first tender mercy...my breath caught as I stepped up to the lead officer, who was seated in his truck again, hoping beyond reason he would at least listen to me.
"Sir, may I please say something...?" He motioned me to wait while he took information through his earpiece, the second officer was watching me carefully, his hand on his holstered gun. I was given the signal to begin.
"I know this is not good but I want you to know 20 days ago he made a very severe suicide attempt. I took home to the AF ER they transported him to ICU in Provo who later transported him to the psyche ward in Salt Lake. He is in a really good place but he is still pretty fragile. I just don't think jail for him right now would be a wise decision. Heaven knows he deserves it, but I just wanted to give you a broader view of my son."
"I smelled marijuana in his car."
"I would be shocked as hell if he's smoked weed in the last 20 days. And I will certainly support your decision."
While the Officer thought about what I said, the other Officer said, "Do you always run interference for your son?"
It was an honest question, in fact in the last 20 days several had asked similar questions.
I took no offense and replied, "No sir, this no insurance, suspended licence, expired tags, unregistered title...and two previous moving violations, that unaddressed, have turned into warrants, have been a hot topic for months. We have told Bryce if he gets pulled over, for any reason, he would likely be going to jail. And we would not be bailing him out. Every time he walked out the door I would get sick to my stomach. But we were trying to help him take responsibility."
Silence. Praying in my head, weighing in his. More silence.
"I 'll tell you this much, I am not sending him to jail today. I am not sure what I will cite him for. I have cause, so I will be searching him and the car. I can't promise anything more than that right now." Tears filled my eyes and I quietly said, "Thank you, I do understand."
I stepped to where I was told to stand, Bryce joined me after he was searched. I asked him if he'd smoked weed in the last few days. He looked at me with fear, and pain, and honesty and said..."No Mom I haven't, I offered to do a test for him." And then he began to sob, and shake...it became obvious quickly the search was not bearing any fruit. The Officer said to Bryce, "I am not sending you to jail. I am going to cite you for driving without insurance. I will impound your car. This is called a break, you'll never get another one. You understand what a break is? It's a chance to make better choices and continue the path you're on."
I think I'd held my breath so often in those moments, there were stars in my vision...or maybe it was just our many angels through the veil who were showing their support of this incredible young man whom Satan seems determined to destroy. However Satan and his forces would not win today...not in this 24!
And so we returned home. Words can't truly describe the depth of gratitude that flooded my heart. I had worried for so many months about this very scenario! Grateful it was today, not yesterday while I was in Florida. Grateful the officer saw wisdom in a Mother's plea. Grateful Bryce had told us both the truth. Grateful we have another 24!
And now with a slightly different perspective we will address the issues, one at a time, together. Every penny, we now know, that he was earning was feeding his addiction, not his responsibilities. He has asked us to manage his money, he doesn't trust himself yet. So together we will take on the next 24.
I am sooo grateful for this glorious Sabbath and hoping my heart. broken, shattered, bleeding but hopeful can mend a little today as I allow the loving hearts of friends to continue to sustain me, and the empathetic, perfect love of my Savior fill me up during the Sacrament today! Oh God is good!
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