My heart just caught in my throat as I watched Bryce drive away from the house, towards his job, for the first time I had absolutely no anxiety watching him leave. It sometimes seems like the last 23 days have been just a dream...but alas I know that isn't true. The truth is we have fought a singularly hard, painful, but beautifully rewarding fight.
21 days ago, was the first time I heard his scratchy, damaged voice over the phone after he was extubated...that memory still thrills my Mother Heart! April 18th 2018 is his first day to consciously live again, and be clean. So each day is it's own milestone and miracle in this journey.
I recently realized that as a bystander watching this experience unfold, the Tender Mercies and miracles were very obvious to me...However we are learning Bryce struggles to think of himself as a miracle, he is still processing much of what he went through, and still doesn't know all I have even shared here. But he wonders what he has done to deserve such a miracle. He feels others who are struggling with disabilities or life-long physical or mental issues ought to be getting the miracles. He feels his poor choices somehow exclude him from blessings and miracles. That was a difficult discussion, because as a Mother, no matter what the circumstances, I want my child to have a miracle, if possible. In my mind miracles, by definition, are beyond the realm of reality. And whenever divine power sets the rules of reality, and earthly constraints, aside- for a miracle, the recipient is indeed worthy of such a divine act of God. Please don't misunderstand me here, I am not advocating there is any individual deemed more worthy of a miracle than another. We really don't understand the Divine Mind or purpose when miracles are involved. Every son or daughter of God...that's all of us on earth...has a purpose, a journey, lessons to be learned, and trials that are made for the express purpose of helping us learn whatever is necessary to allow us to return to live with our Heavenly Father after this life is over. I have also learned that sometimes my trials are as much for someone else to observe, and or, participate in- for the intended purpose to be realized. After all we have been taught that it's not necessarily the trial we are faced with, but more especially how we react to it. I had to remind Bryce that even though he made one poor decision that night...the minute he changed his mind and chose to live...that thought unleashed to powers of Heaven...and the miracles began.
I am trying to be more careful in the language I use with Bryce about the miracles I have seen. I have to remind myself he is a recovering addict, and as such his self-worth has taken a beating over a long period of time. Healing self-worth his hard, and to a small degree all of us probably struggle with some form of low self-worth often, as it is one of Satan's most-used tools. I remind myself often, that Satan never had the veil drawn over his mind, after leaving Father's presence...because he lost his opportunity, by his own choice, to receive a mortal body. So he remembers us, from our pre-earth life, until now, with clarity. It is why, in part, that his fiery darts hit their mark so often in our lives. However we will always overcome Satan, partly because we have this mortal body. Satan cannot win eternally!
And so I look outside today, and soak in the beautiful spring day. I acknowledge my many, many blessings. I feast my eyes on the final layers of winter snow that top the tip of Mount Timpanogos. I marvel at the variety of the leaves and their palette of green in my back yard. I hear the cooing of the doves and the chatter of the birds, busily working to build nests for their young, gathering food, and flying from tree to tree. The dappled sunshine on my lawn, moves and changes with the sunlight. The flowers are drinking up the warm sun...more now that I am removing the weeds each morning... slowly giving the flowers their full share of sun! My beautiful white Lilac's (that I picked this morning before work) fill my office with their sweet fragrance, bringing me joy! The gentle breeze lifts and seems to play in the leaves and grasses. I can occasionally hear a dog bark, or a train horn (if I am very lucky) and as cars pass by I know the world seems to be moving along just fine. Today I am also grateful for this moment of normalcy...it seems to help my heart begin it's journey of healing.
There are still times when I find myself wondering if this has all been a bad dream and I am going to wake up soon and realize it. And then my heart reminds my head that, yes, I have had a front-row seat in my life these last weeks. It is real. It is my real!
And I shudder...
And then I breathe...
And then my heart soars with the knowledge that it is possible to survive horrible, oftentimes hard things. And I remind myself (as we did often in those first difficult days) we have done hard things! And I will possibly yet do more hard things. But that's just it...Heavenly Father knows me sooo well. He has created this journey especially for me. Some of it I know now, that I agreed to...some was a bit of a surprise to me here. He will help, as often as I ask.
A dear friend of mine shared something I had said to her and her husband as they were going through...as he puts it...his "Tumor trauma." I have only a vague memory of the visit, and as I learned a long time ago...when I speak under the influence of the Holy Ghost to someone...the message is for them, and I am not at liberty to recall it. So my sweet friend Phyllis, said to me."Reading your words felt like I had walked into the temple. You have reiterated to me that our trials can and should be a holy place, especially when we step aside allowing the Savior to work His miracles. How blessed we are to have the truth, the understanding, that the power of God can be exercised here upon the earth. I love you."
So today, again, I draw such strength from this perspective Phyllis shared with me. And the many faith-filled prayers so many have offered for our family. I try hard to remember to step aside, and allow the Savior work His miracles, in my life, and have hope that someday Bryce will feel differently about his miracles, both seen and unseen by him throughout this experience.
So I treasure each moment in my day, give glory and gratitude to the Lord as He continues to... answer my pleas, lift, guide, bless and amaze me.
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