Come what may and love it.

The spring sky is dark, the streets are silent, most are still sleeping...but apparently I have things to write. I have felt a strange resistance to write these last few days, I am not really sure why. Yet today the pull was strong enough to get me up this early.

Sunday morning, we'd had our eldest grandson Paul, here for his "solo sleepover"...an event months in the making. It was hard to feel like normal Nanny however, I realized I was still on shaky ground emotionally. Suddenly Bryce was on the stairs, coming up into the kitchen, and I was nearly overwhelmed, tears filled my eyes and I realized this day could have been a very different experience. I clung to the life-line of love for this son. He dwarfed me as he wrapped me in his long arms tenderly and whispered, "Happy Mother's Day." 
And just like that I knew...a Mother's heart has many layers, yet love tied them all together, and I knew this forever love for each of my children would continue to lift and sustain me. 

I cannot remember the last Mother's Day that I sat with a child of mine in church. While I tenderly tucked this memory into my heart, another layer of this Mother's heart ached with a too-real to ignore physical pain, for Mother's everywhere who were hurting on this day. Mother's in all situations, those who had yet to know the exquisite joy of holding their newborn, those who silently wept at gravesides, for children's lives taken from them too soon, for those who's pillows were wet with tears of longing every night as they missed their children and their Mothers, both emotionally and physically apart, those who's opportunities to adopt had been fraught with frustrations and unsuccessful attempts. And those with whom I shared  an achingly familiarity of children whose life-choices had taken them far from the values I treasured and had taught them.

Many have felt the painful pull of feeling inadequate and perhaps feeling unsuccessful at parenting, especially Mothering. Why did I always feel others were more gifted, more loving, less judgmental, more fulfilled than my feeble sometimes selfish attempts? Why did the times I came up short seem to dominate my memories? Why was Mothering so hard at times? Slowly Eternal truths ebbed into my beaten, broken, aching heart...

"You are enough" 

Inch by agonizing inch these thoughts pushed out the hurt, the unfulfilled dreams, and allowed in the breathtakingly beautiful realizations that perfection was not necessary yet. Someday it would come, but until that glorious day, 

"I was enough." 

Having climbed up out of the dark abyss of negativity, I figuratively turned my tear-washed face to His light. Their light...Heavenly Father, Heavenly Mother...both of whom had lost forever one third of their children. Had they loved them any less? NO!  The ones who chose to come to earth, us, we came so we could return eventually and be like Them....Their plan is perfect and They continue to make up the difference as we fall short.

So I vowed to enjoy this day, to love, encourage and support as many others as I could. I managed to keep it all together on the outside, until a sister in our ward who was speaking said..."I'd like to quote Bryce Moss from his testimony last week...
"When I have tried my best, and it's not enough, the Savior steps in and makes up the difference." It was a powerful moment for me. I was stunned at the magnitude of what he had said...and the impact it had obviously made for good in others lives. I thought to myself...not too many recently-returned from inactivity individuals are quoted from the stand a week later! I shook my head in awe of this living miracle I also call my son.

Then the closing hymn was.. 
I have a fam'ly here on earth. They are so good to me.
I want to share my life with them through all eternity.
Fam'lies can be together forever through Heav'nly Father's plan.
I always want to be with my own family, And the Lord has shown me how I can
The Lord has shown me how I can.

The congregation had barely started to sing, when Bryce reached over and gripped my hand, effectively shutting down my ability to continue singing. The words on the page suddenly began to blur and swim before my now leaking eyes. After the closing prayer I reached over to hold this precious son. Both of us were sobbing at the terrifying thought that this moment in time almost didn't happen. Suddenly, without any preamble I blurted out to him, "No Mother ever wants her child to fail, but your epic fail at your attempt, makes me the happiest Mom anywhere today. Thank you for being here today with me." 

Being here with me today. Simple words, but the Eternities of meaning left me a little breathless, and un-measurably grateful. Suddenly my heart was also drawn out in gratitude to Bronson and his role in this very moment, to sweet Celecta, and her promise to mother Bronson,thereby assisting in the greatest moment of Bryce's mortality, and all the other mothers, Grandmothers, and my ancestors, whose help and love also gave me this magical, precious moment in time with my son.

Later that day as we all gathered in at Danielle's house, four generations of strong, beautiful, women...I marveled again at the richness of my life on this Mother's Day. I chose to enjoy what was immediately around me, honoring and being honored for our roles as women. My sweet Mum, Gwen-in her sunset years of mortality- vital, and still living  righteously her enduring covenants. She is such an example of overcoming hardships in her life, while standing strong in her faith. My daughters, Danielle, Kylee & Emma, beautiful, brilliant, becoming leaders and beacons of light to an ever-darkening world, and my grand-daughters Brigan and Nadja, developing their talents, discovering more of who they are, and filling my world with indescribable joy.

All strong women, each have blessed my life, and encouraged me to go on, they have lifted me to new heights, and I love and cherish each of them deep in my heart. All of us face challenges, hard things, but we are also bound to family and friends who also want to see us succeed. 

I'm not really sure why I have hesitated in writing this time...maybe because so much of these last few weeks has been filled to over-flowing with Bryce, but I cannot deny the steadying force my other children each have been throughout this experience. I know their pain is also real, and often nearly consuming too. But they have each soldiered on and loved Bryce in ways that I see are healing his very soul. He talked last night of those first few hours of finally being conscious again. He couldn't speak because of the tube in his throat...and even after it was removed it left a lot of pain in it's wake. However he remembers the massive outpouring of love from his siblings. He saw no anger, judgement or hesitancy. Instead they openly and clearly expressed their love to him. He still struggles to take it all in, but reflecting on those first few hours, he is slowly regaining his self worth. 

He is getting stronger every day, he had some very sacred spiritual experiences on Sunday. Slowly he is beginning to believe he is a choice son of God. He is loved and valued. What strength I see in him now. Slowly the scales of his past life are falling away as he emerges stronger and stronger. The Spirit he works hard to maintain in his life and our home is such a blessing to see. His simple gratitude for the smallest of things is heart-warming to watch.

And now the spring sky begins to lighten, as a new day begins. I can start to see the outlines of the trees against the morning sky as it grows lighter and lighter. Another day has begun. and as Elder Wirthlin said..."Come what may and love it."