Another temporary goodbye

The hospital floor squeaked each time my shoe made contact. I was pacing in circles in the hallway. A woman I’d never met exchanged less than five minutes of words, alone, with Bryce....I doubt she knew him any better as she left than when she arrived. So her decision, based solely on the severity of his attempt, made the call. A minimum of two days in the Behavioral Modification Unit. I looked into Bryce’s stricken eyes, when I was allowed back into his room. He was devastated, terrified, sad and feeling very alone. Visitation is for one and a half hours in the evening. And an hour phone time three times a day. I asked if there was immediate availability and she left to double check. 

I said ok let’s look at the good- it’s local, that’s less complicated...we have the decision....no more waiting to get an answer.  It’s two days,so far. Then she returned and effectively undid any ground I thought I had gained with his mind and heart when she said “No beds here” She said you can go immediately to LDS Hospital in Salt Lake City or wait where you are now until tomorrow to be admitted here in Provo. He made the decision to stay so he could be admitted to the Provo facility here. But he wasn’t happy. Later when Cassidy and Emma was here he said quietly “Can’t believe how much I have to pay for one dumb mistake.”
I know he is processing in his head and wants to move on with his life but apparently the Lord’s plan is different than that. 

My Mother’s heart hurts because I can’t fix this. I ache for his emotional pain. I know his fears and this next stage will come close to his breaking point. He repeatedly refused to walk outside is room, let alone outside-which has permission for...because he doesn’t trust himself not to bolt! 

So tonight we wait again, and tomorrow we say yet another heart-wrenching goodbye that unfortunately I feel I’ve already had too many of! 

My heart is aching and my mind is weary....I can’t write any more today.
I feel so empty, and reaching desperately for my Savior’s comfort and peace. Feeling for the prayers of those who love us. Tomorrow will come too soon...simultaneously also not fast enough.