Laughter is the best medicine!

Sometimes it's the simplest things...Bryce was watching a movie in hospital Sunday, and he laughed! Yesterday in his first call home he laughed again! I marveled at the simple joy of hearing him laugh. It lifted my spirits, and I knew I would never take a laugh from him for granted again! 

He is now in the Psychiatric Unit of LDS hospital in Salt Lake City. It is a secured floor and we had to give them our firstborn to get in...just kidding! His view is rather spectacular as he faces the west, and can see the Great Salt Lake itself, and can see south to the point of the mountain...where we live just beyond that impressive land mark and can look down on the Capitol Building. He has his own bedroom with a private bathroom attached. He was given some of meds again and has met with his recovery team. His Social Worker called and chatted with me yesterday. Their recommendation is that he go to an in-patient rehab. He doesn't want to go nor does he think it's necessary. We have to get rid of any weapons...um we don't have any weapons...we have to lock up our medications...um we've been doing that for over a year now...but he attempted on HIS OWN meds...which he has to be taking, um so how does that work....

Today we are having a Family Meeting with his entire recovery team. There we'll lay out his release plans. He is creating a suicide prevention plan, that they will have to approve. It sometimes feels very overwhelming. As I shared all this with Clark as we drove up to see Bryce last night, we felt very frustrated, indecisive of our forward path, and both are physically and emotionally drained to the very core.

I looked out my window as we drove through the Avenue's in Salt Lake on our way to him. Some of those homes are so old and stately and beautiful! Their gardens were alive with color and variety. The stunning blossoming Jacaranda trees dotted the route with vibrant splashes of brilliant purple. I smiled and thought I am so glad other people's worlds are operating 'normally'. It gives me a sense of balance, structure, hope and sheer happiness that my Heavenly Father created such a beautiful world, and that I could drink in this beauty and fill my parched soul! We would adjust to our new normal, and our lives would go on too. And maybe someday I can be part of the beautiful normalcy someone else who is feeling  pain, sadness or despair can draw hope and strength from.

It was great to see him and he was all smiles and hugs! Then he told us about his day and what his plans are. We had the first (this time) of I am sure many hard conversations with Bryce. We expressed our struggle to accept his words when he had violated our trust in him repeatedly. I told him I had made peace with the Lord about my responsibility for his actions. I would not take responsibility nor feel guilty from his actions up to, and including, suicide. We explained he needed to make his recovery plan on his feelings and desires not what he thought we wanted or felt. It was rough but necessary, and I think will prove beneficial in the long run. He asked us if we would pray for The Lord to show us what is in his heart as he knows we can't believe much of what he says. We agreed. 

We stopped to see the Skinner's & Mosses on our way home...and got lots of hugs- and snuggles- from the beautiful grandchildren. That always makes it a great day! 

And the healing begins!

I had some alone time before bed, pondering how my life had changed so drastically from this time last week. I wanted to be sure I was deeply asleep before 10:20 pm arrived this Monday night. I managed to fall asleep easily. About 2 am I was awakened by my heart pounding out of my chest. I lay still trying to gauge my physical response which was most unusual...and I looked over to the side of my bed- at first thought it was Bryce standing there, then as my mind began to catch up with my eyes I realized it was his twin Bronson. He was clearly in spirit form. I knew him immediately. He stood facing my bedside lamp and never made eye contact, unlike in the past with me. I marveled at the light gathered around him, it was soft not bright, and shortly thereafter he left the room. I lay awake for awhile, savoring the experience but wondered at it's meaning.

This morning as we were getting ready for the day Clark asked how I slept...I answered him really good...and then the impression came..."Tell him!" ...I responded immediately and shared the experience with him. I continued pondering the meaning of Bronson's visit. I thought perhaps it was his way of letting me know Bronson was still watching over Bryce...then I remembered Bryce asking us to pray about knowing his heart and I didn't remember verbalizing that in our prayers last night.

So when we prayed this morning I asked Father to help us to know Bryce's heart...and to trust the Lord's confirmation, and to help us have soft hearts and know the direction the Lord would have us go. After Clark left, I kept pondering Bronson's visit, I felt confident that it was both a reminder to pray as Bryce had requested, and to feel the assurance Bronson was very aware and involved in Bryce's earth-life. 

We are never far from family, who loves us! What a wonderful thing to remember. I am not alone, ever! I love that my other children, who have preceded me in death, and my ancestors are so aware of our family, especially during this crisis. 

So today I am enjoying several arrangements of flowers from kind friends as I take calls for work. Often customers ask "How are you today?" and my heart screams:
I AM HURTING...but I smile and know all will be well, and I can honestly say, as I look out to my sun-drenched back yard, with my tulips opening and birds busy in the trees..."I am good thank you! And how's your day?" 

After-all what would be the point of all this pain and suffering, if I don't keep going? "Ye must press forward, with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, Behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life" 
(2 Nephi 31:20) That is my goal! Then all my tears shall be dried, my heart shall know true and lasting joy, and I will be lovingly wrapped securely in the arms of my Heavenly Father, Mother and elder Brother...even Jesus Christ! Oh beautiful day!