Our walking, breathing miracle!
The first picture was taken after he arrived in the Trauma ICU, Tuesday April 17th 2018.
The second was taken...with the requested smile, today Thursday April 19th 2018.
It's very hard to eloquently describe the range of emotions both pictures elicit in my heart.
Awe at the power and majesty of God's priesthood in action. Wonder at the millions of miracles we've seen in just under 72 hours. Delight in seeing and acknowledging all the tender mercies. Gratitude and deep respect for those who have used their knowledge and gifts to serve and ultimately save our son. Humility at the outpouring of love, support and prayers. And indescribable joy for the first glimpse into Bryce's beautiful eyes, signifying his desire to live, and countless prayers answered as he came back to us!
And while I had made my peace with my Heavenly Father sometime last week,(obviously before I had any inkling of what this week would hold) that I had truly done all I could have done as his Mom, and knowing I had done all our loving Heavenly Father had asked me to do for Bryce....ultimately I knew the choice was not mine. Bryce had his agency and as a result if he chose- at any time- to give up the fight here, I promised myself and my Heavenly Father I would not choose guilt for my continued but lonely walk until we could be reunited. Bryce as an addict with huge mental health issues to battle daily, would always be close to my heart and I would choose to remember the beautiful, kind, happy soul I knew as my son Bryce.
So today as I captured that million-watt smile of his, the pure joy of witnessing his first walk will forever be etched upon my heart. We now know that somehow before the medication
began it's destructive path through his tortured and pain-wracked body...he chose to live!
He chose to live! He did not want to die!
I believe with assistance from beyond the veil...many family members now bound together through Priesthood covenants...saw to it that he chose to live! A mere minutes stood between him and certain death, as he climbed the stairs to ask us to help him. Had he stayed in his room the convulsions seared into my memory would have taken place without a single soul on earth knowing. He would have passed painfully through the veil, alone,and separated from his loved ones in mortality, breaking so many hearts who were left behind.
So today we celebrate life. Today we celebrate life with Bryce.
Tonight after another sleepless night, followed by another long day watching him fight for life. I came home exhausted, to an eerily quiet house, evidence of no one living in it for days...too quiet for comfort, and I thought oh my goodness this could have been my daily discovery..my life and heart and home are so empty without him. I picked up the phone and called him, as much to reassure my aching heart that he would indeed be coming home soon, as to tell him of my hearts discovery. He wept on the phone and simply said...
"Thanks for saying that Mom. I love you."
Ministering and being ministered to in a more holy way, as our beloved Prophet Russell M. Nelson, taught us in our last General Conference, has more depth and meaning to me now than I could have ever begun to believe. The kindness of those who know our pain has been evidenced all around us. We arrived home tonight to a freshly cut lawn (no easy feat ever for our one-acre lot!) and flowers on my front porch assuring us we were in their prayers! Hugs and chats, meeting and visiting Bryce...deliveries of abstinent treats for me...Wendy's frosty's for Bryce, phone calls, texts, messages, tangible prayers and love...the list goes on!
I have loved hearing so many stories back as something I have said or shared has touched a heart. I have no words! My heart will never forget the feelings!
And so I humbly implore that the Lord will hear and answer our united prayers. Tomorrow will either be a very good day, or a very dark, hard one. Bryce must prove he is not a danger to himself or others through a Psych Evaluation. His heart is desperate to get out of the hospital and come home with us...as he said today "I just want to put this behind me and get on with my life." Words I was delighted to hear from him! He will also have an Echo done on his heart to confirm no permanent damage. If he is cleared, we'll bring him home (we all hope tomorrow) If he is not cleared he will likely be moved to the Psyche floor there until cleared. Please keep praying for him and us, that we may all be able to accept with humility the outcome.
Forever the optimist, I will hold to those tender innermost feelings in humble hope. God is the Captain of my ship! I trust in His plan for each of us. And while I may stumble, or choose poorly at times, His plan is still perfect for me! And for Bryce! And for each of us.
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