The pieces of new information and old understanding crashed together in my head like a Tsunami. My new reality stormed over me like a deluge, nearly drowning me, leaving me gasping in it's wake. Reeling still, I am not sure I can even process where we now stand.
Bryce's psychiatrist told us he has treated thousands of addicts, and Bryce is one of the top five of those he has treated previously,who should not have made it...by the numbers and reports of his suicide attempt. It was so severe LDS hospital wasn't sure they should accept him. He went on to say that strictly by historical numbers Bryce won't likely be alive in 10 years. No one anywhere that sees all the facts, can even believe he's here today. I remember thinking on that terrifying ten-minutes Monday night...would I be delivering him to the ER alive or dead! Somehow, some days, I nearly keel over under the sheer agony of my shattered heart. Yesterday, and it appears today ...are some of those days. I desperately want someone...ANYONE...to shake me by the shoulder and wake me from this nightmare.
It's not going to happen.
My heart hurts.
My tears will not stop.
I don't think there are enough hugs in this world to make this pain go away.
And yet as I ask my Heavenly Father to help me breathe one more breath, dry one more cheek, lift my aching Mother's heart one more time...He never fails me. Christ's atonement is real! His perfect empathy He freely shares with me. His ultimate sacrifice, which helps me through the next hour, is unfathomable but perfect and complete. I see hope and miracles in the most reality-defying places.
My breath catches and my heart races now when I hear the medical helicopters go over my house, I used to pray for those in the helicopters and the family on the ground, left behind. Today I realized, as I heard one just now, Bryce was so sick that they wanted to transport him by helicopter...14 miles! That night it was too windy to risk it, but that they even considered it necessary makes my heart hurt.
We went to eat between the earth-shattering meeting and our daily one-hour visit with Bryce. As we were seated, I saw the individually wrapped butter heaped on a plate at our table, then I looked over and in my line of sight they were slicing the bread to come out to each table. When ours arrived I looked at it and the food-addict in me felt a keen desire to throw my abstinence to the wind and eat every last crumb of that bread and butter! I sat very still and let the raging monster in my head take a breath....then I thought how can I as an addict give in when I want my son to never use again? While my addiction is real to me, and yes I have to live in a world of food, daily, hourly, and in almost every situation, I am surrounded by my addictive elements....I am not convinced the reality of my cravings could ever compare with Bryce's. I know it's a useless thought to compare different addictions...I just knew on some level...I had to stick to my abstinence plan as surely as I hoped Bryce would stick to his and live!
As we drove home last night...I had a meltdown...it just was so overwhelming. I then also thought if my heart hurts this much, I truly cannot fathom the pain in Bryce's heart. It was then that the clarity came to me about wanting the bread at the restaurant...as we talked about it Clark said you know I would have said something right...and I said based on what was going on in my head I doubt the first comment would have done anything to stop me. I wanted that bread...I was sure I did...I didn't care in that moment what it would ultimately cost me...
It had been a very long time since a temptation with that much power behind it had accosted me! Then I realized the desire to eat the bread was merely me trying to eat over my pain. To stuff my face with food and by so doing stuff my pain down where it couldn't be felt. Numb my pain with food. That's was when I allowed myself to feel my pain. I gave myself permission to feel, to hurt, to rage if necessary. And slowly the realizations have come...maybe I needed to look at this experience for what it truly was-a gift from God. Maybe to help remind me I need to continue to acknowledge my pain, allow myself to grieve the loss of the kind of life I wanted and hoped would be Bryce's...and mine. I am learning again to be grateful for my addiction, because it truly gives me real empathy as I see others struggling with theirs.
And so today I will walk outside and enjoy the spring sunshine and wonder, I will take some time for myself, and I have an appointment with my trusted counselor. My tears are too close to the surface and my pain too raw to work or serve in the Temple today, but I may go to the Temple, just to enjoy the peace there instead. Balm of Gilead.
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