When it rains....

My shattered heart can't seem to catch a break...I began today holding tightly to hope, while I chose hope, I didn't expect such total devastation....no I can no longer throw around phrases like that..total...complete...because that's not my perspective any more. Bryce is alive...my devastation today was not total, and just writing that initiated a paradigm shift. 
The weight that had been pressing on me since mid-afternoon lifted gently and I smiled. 

So let me begin again...I didn't expect such devastation...

Our hopes were dashed first thing this morning, after arriving at Bryce's ICU room...his Doctor informed us that he was being moved to another floor....my heart lurched in my chest as I cast a terrified look over at Bryce. His tear-filled eyes met mine...
The Doctor continued..."We have to get all his numbers to a more controlled and consistent level. So we hope only one more day..." He went on to explain that Bryce's liver was struggling as well as his heart rhythm. Until both were stable it wasn't safe to release Bryce. The silence was deafening. Then my Mother's heart kicked in and I gathered Bryce into my arms and let the tears fall...both of us were crying. We thought we were so close...But I also realized that I could never do what the facility and it's personnel could do for Bryce in a crisis, I wanted him as close to their help as necessary, until he was out of the danger of another 'code'.

We moved upstairs and began to talk positively of this new normal. Hope bloomed within me once again. I chose hope, again. However despite my best efforts I could see Bryce getting more and more agitated. His Dr had determined they couldn't risk giving him his normal medications yet- so on top of all this- his anxiety, depression and bi-polar disorder was running rampant inside his head. After another round of heart-wrenching sobs, he said "I just need to go outside Mom." 

One of today's huge tender mercies was that his 'sitter' while self-admitting was nowhere near as bad as Bryce, also did end up in the hospital as she battled similar mental health demons...so she "got" him. She convinced the charge nurse to allow a walk outside...with limitations. We made our way downstairs and through those big glass doors...to breathe fresh, rain-tinted air...see without the distortion of a window...hear the traffic...it was almost too much. Bryce turned to me and I again took him in my arms...all 6'5" of him, and as tears ran down his cheeks his body shook with sobs. I whispered to him..."this...this is why you chose to live! God loves you so much and so do I."

We didn't stay outside long.. but then this happened:
"Man my throat HURTS, someone did a crappy job of putting the tube down my throat!"
Me: "Well let me tell you a little bit more about your arrival at the ER...you were violently convulsing as your body fell victim to the Celexa...you were thrashing so much they not only managed to sedate you but they had to tie you to the bed...so that they could get the tube into your throat. It was infinitely more important to save your life than to worry about hurting your throat." He looked at me wide-eyed. 
Then I said "You have not talked much...that worries me, but is it because it hurts to talk?"
He glumly nodded is head and said softly..."It hurts so bad to talk Mom."

After we returned to his room, we took that throat challenge on & now they are using lozenges and Tylenol to help with the pain. Next hurdle came...he was hungry but someone had decided that because he was newly-diagnosed Diabetic he could only have 75 grams of carbs per meal. The Mother Bear in me came out and I was going to get to the bottom of this new wrinkle. NO ONE STARVES MY CHILD INTENTIONALLY!!! The list of can't do or can't have was pushing us both over the edge. The whole transferring of floors, rooms, Doctors, nurses....was insane! Everyone agreed once I had explained it was a ridiculous expectation.

Then the blind-side of the day...as if what we'd been through wasn't enough... apparently what was meant by his Doctor is once Bryce was medically cleared...he would then be evaluated by the psyche team, and depending on their decision would likely be moved to the Behavioral Modification Unit for up to another seven days!! I am not sure there are words to describe the emotions racing through my heart. I looked over to Bryce and saw fear, anger, defeat and despair in his eyes. I thought this cannot be happening...he won't make it through the night...let alone seven more days! 
Bless his Lion-heart he methodically, without his rational-keeping meds, began to process this new disaster. Finally he looked over at me and said,"I just want to get on with my life...whatever it takes. I'll do it." 

Still reeling from this dramatic change of direction, the Diabetic Doctor showed up and told us it's his belief Bryce has an autoimmune disease that is manifesting in TYPE ONE diabetes! His body fails to produce the right amount of insulin! He agreed it was usually diagnosed much younger...but when I told him Bryce had lost 90 pounds in the last 9 months...he retraced his steps and said well Type 2  usually doesn't manifest this early. Ummm when did anything of the last four days fall into the "USUALLY" category???
He did agree to up Bryce's carb allowance! Small miracles. Baby steps.

Exhausted Bryce fell into a restless sleep and I began to process all we had learned today. My whole world had just tilted. Slowly the tears began to fall. For a minute I could let down my guard to my own jumbled emotions. Again I reached for the Savior's atonement, and I felt for the many prayers that are sustaining me...slowly my world righted itself. If God thought I could do this...then with His help I would.

Several hours later I shared with Bryce my certainty that he had help from the other side of the veil...including his twin Bronson...and his yet-unborn children...to get himself up two flights of stairs in time to get our help that fateful night. He nodded as his eyes filled with tears. Five minutes...five minutes was the difference in him surviving or not. I recounted the blessings we were receiving from doing our Family History and Temple work. He is now living proof of those blessings as his ancestors we had done Temple work for came to his rescue! 

Emotionally running on fumes I returned to my home...only to discover one surprise after another awaiting me. My Kerr sisters...and brothers and spouses... had cleaned my house, stocked...literally...my fridge with tub after tub of fresh cut fruits and veggies...multiple meals...and baskets of our favorite snacks-one for Bryce and one for Lover & me! Flowers too...then custom-cookies from my JetBlue manager had been delivered also. My tears flowed as gratitude filled my heart to overflowing. Tangible evidence of love for our family. The texts, messages, emails, comments and shared experiences on my blog, calls ...even from Australia...still keep coming. I cannot describe the pure knowledge that those prayers and love are literally keeping me standing right now. 

And so another sun has set, another day is history and while I put my bone-weary body to bed, my thoughts of gratitude also remind me that many others are suffering tonight. Oh how I wish everyone could feel the love I have felt these last few days. How I wish hearts could heal, lives know simplicity, souls reconnect with God. It is my prayer that I may more fully be His hands to bless and lift others around me, others whose hidden sorrows only He can see. I wish everyone would believe in His love for them. I long for His arms to encircle me again. But until then I feel His presence in my life and I know I am loved.