My shattered heart

About 13 hours ago, after just falling asleep, Bryce woke us with an urgent plea...
"Mom, Dad I need to go to the Hospital."
I stumbled into some clothes and met him in the car. 
As we left the garage I said "What have you taken?"
He replied "90 Celexa." Shoving down the fear curling inside my heart I said,
"How much was each pill?" 
His solemn reply, "20 mg."
Not three minutes later he looked all wild-eyed at me and then with a groan I will never forget, he began have a seizure in the car. My reactionary thoughts were will he throw himself out of the moving car? Would he grab the steering wheel and cause us to crash at the high rate of speed I was currently driving....we'd both be killed. Would I make it to the American Fork ER before he died?
Within three more minutes I was fumbling with my phone to call 911. He continued to thrash around in the front seat and I don't think I have ever lived through such terrifying moments.
"911 what's your emergency?" 
"I am en-route to AF ER with a suicidal 26 male. He has ingested 90 Celexa and appears to be having a seizure."
"Continue on hang up and drive, I will alert the ER you are coming."
Safely running red-lights and dodging the very few cars on the darkened streets I made to the ER where we were met with a wheelchair we managed to get him into, and they took him inside while I parked my car, and began calling my children. We called our dear friend Gary Little who joined Clark to give Bryce a special Priesthood Blessing. Later he would tell me Clark blessed Bryce to receive the necessary medical treatment, that the Doctors would know how to treat him, and he blessed him with the will to live.
They sedated him, pumped his stomach (retrieving multiple broken pill parts...meaning much had been ingested) then when his stomach was clear they pumped him full of charcoal which binds to the drugs in his stomach reducing the effects. Which we unfortunately knew from his first attempt about 10 years ago with a handful of Ibuprofen. His heart was erratic, his blood sugar was insanely high...600! And he continued to twitch all over as they restrained him to get IV lines etc into him. They x-rayed. blood-tested, and we all waited. I don't know that I would describe my feelings as useless, I knew in my heart I had done everything I could possibly have done for this precious child. I also knew God was very aware of Bryce and his personal struggles. 
About 10 days ago we discovered he was 'using' again through his addict behavior we were intimately acquainted with. Not illegal drugs but a 'natural' over the counter opioid-like substance. Using. Again. In my home. For nearly 10 days Clark and I wrestled with what to do next. During this time I came face-to-face with the reality that Bryce might not ever be able to stay in recovery. He may even choose to end his life. I promised myself were this ever my reality...I would not feel guilty. I would trust my loving Heavenly Father would ultimately know the desires of both our hearts and would love and sustain me and Bryce too. Finally we confronted him, he admitted his use and we asked him to begin to pack and leave. His response was pretty mellow and while obviously wanted us to reconsider, we were firm. Feeling our hearts break yet again. I said Bryce you have already made your choice...now this is your consequence. Our choice would be for you to stay and continue to recover...that is no longer a choice we can make.
An hour later he wrote this:"I'm sorry for everything. I obviously can't live like this anymore. I love you all and thanks for trying. But I can't do this. Goodbye"
He coded three times....and they re-set his heart, however nothing seemed to be counter-acting the medications affect on his heart. After a couple of hours the Doctor's knew he needed to be under the care of heart doctors...they couldn't life-flight him as the weather was too bad. So they loaded him in an ambulance and transported him to UVRMC in Provo.
Now we wait. I will continue to blog throughout this experience and please know I feel incredibly sustained by family, friends,co-workers, ward family and especially my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ...who knows each exquisite pain in my soul.