Cautiously optimistic....Bryce will be released by noon tomorrow! We've had several hard conversations over the last couple of days and have finally arrived on a strategy we can live with, one he loves, and his recovery team approve of. (Final approval pending tomorrow's visit with his psychiatrist.) It was a very emotional moment when we told him he could come home. He hung his head and wept with relief and joy!
We proposed a 24-hour plan with an immediate leave-the-house consequence for failure to comply. Every 24 hours is all an addict has. So living for just 24 hours seemed the only way he could succeed at choosing life.The ball is squarely in his court, and he, and only, has control over the outcome.
Of course trust has to be earned, and ours in him and his promises has been violated repeatedly over the last 11 years...it's a big leap of faith for us. He seems determined, we are hopeful, and the reality will yet to be determined. One of the things he has to do every day is service...so if you live near us or he knows you...please give him an assignment when he comes knocking at your door. Only 30 minutes if it's physical..he has back issues...and please remember it is service. He won't accept any food thank you's or treats, because he is recently diagnosed with Diabetes.
When he first told me they were willing to release him tomorrow, my head felt like it exploded and I silently screamed..."It's too soon!" My heart battled with my head for awhile. I was scared to my core. So I began to process and ask myself why was this seemingly ridiculous fear nearly consuming me. This won't come as a surprise to those of you who have walked this treacherous road with a loved one before me, I realized finally that I knew he was safe where he was...but the minute he left that building...his risk level skyrocketed. And no matter how much I wanted the "I choose to live" ending to his life story...I knew I had no control whatsoever over his choices.
Wow is this at all similar to what Heavenly Father goes through with each of His children...ensuring their own agency was His gift to each of us...regardless of the outcome?
This is where the proverbial rubber meets the road...
Did I really have active faith in a loving God?
Did I truly believe faith drives out fear? I know they can't coexist...
Did I really mean what I said about letting the responsibility lay squarely on his own shoulders?
My fear was palpable, my heart was racing, my head was still screaming "Don't do it!"
My heart slowed down it's erratic response, I breathed deeply ...
And I chose faith!
My equilibrium returned slowly, my testimony held firm, my head quieted and acquiesced to my inner truth. Yes, I choose faith! Again and again. My shoulders squared up again, my smile inched back on to my face, my heart felt lighter, and I knew I chosen correctly!
Bryce is just beginning to comprehend the choice he made on that fateful Monday night, April 16th. He obviously doesn't have any recollection from 1030 pm that night until they shocked him after his 5th code on Wednesday April 18th.
Someday he'll read my blog and while it will be painful, we will do it together. He will remember he is never alone. He will recall the help he received that night from family beyond the veil. He will glimpse the power of prayer. He will honor the Priesthood of God that he holds. He will be a walking, breathing, living miracle and evidence of so many answered prayers and love!
He is our answered prayer...all of us.
We, with our hand in God's...we did this with faith and love.
How can I ever express my gratitude to each of you who have performed this miracle of life for me? There are no words...and I sincerely hope there are very few of you who already know, or will ever know...what this miracle means to me! Because I hope each of us- everywhere- will continue to choose life and faith. Keep on being a miracle for those you love! May you each know peace, love, joy and kindness, for I am praying you will.
You have changed my life forever, and you have saved my son.
May God's sweetest blessings be yours!
I love you!
Sharon, after reading most of these blogs I have wanted to respond every time but instead I have been speechless not knowing the right words to say. I have been blown away with your power with words and your amazing ability to express yourself so profoundly and beautifully. I have loved feeling of your faith and testimony, of your struggles and your strengths. I feel it has and is just as much a huge journey for you as much as for Bryce. I know it is far from over and something that will continue but I know you have built a strong foundation for whatever that future will hold. I think that at some stage in the future you might want to collate these blogs and the ones to come, even if only in your own personal journal, into a book that I think will be able to help others in yours and Bryce's situation. It makes amazing reading and you are such a talented writer. My love and prayers are with you both. Thank you for sharing your journey in such an unbelievable way. This is such a contrast to the normal happy person we all see on fb. I love that you love the flowers. I too get much the same joy from them, especially since being on my mission at Temple Square. When you share the beauty and joy, it's like I feel it too. Thank you. I love you.
ReplyDeleteI have loved following your story. I found your blog from Steve Stewarts facebook comment and he used to be my principal (I teach math).
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you and your struggles. I was married for 10 years to someone who lost his battle to bi-polar disorder and addictions 2 years ago and my daughter (then age 8) lost her dad. We ended up divorced before he passed, but I often have wondered many times what his life would have looked like if his parents would have been more like you and held him accountable for some of his actions rather than enabled him. I'm proud of your resolve and drawing the hard line to help him learn how to fight for himself. I have so much PTSD in reading some of your posts... how to look for addictive behaviors, not ever knowing what is truth, and so many more. Finding a NAMI group to share with (for him and for you) sometimes can be helpful in order to realize how much we are NOT alone in this fight here on earth. Keep fighting the good fight. You are in my prayers.
Tonia